On Facebook - September 2017

Watching football and I see all of these girls in the crowd wearing tube tops: #1 Why are they half naked at a football game? Could they not at least afford straps? I have it on good authority that they can purchase a perfectly good full-coverage t-shirt at their college bookstore. #2 I am very interested in the logistics of keeping a tube top in place while madly cheering for your team. Like, are you hoping things will just flop out and you'll get accidental TV coverage and become the next Kardashian family? Or are you actually hoping to remain covered? #SoManyQuestions#PleaseEnlightenMe

Just for fun, I told The Kid we are not having dinner tonight. She immediately fell to the floor and started wailing, "Mama! Don't you love me?!" #NopeIDont #MakeYourOwnDinner

There is a big accident between Lumberton and Silsbee. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to take to the back roads to circumvent the wreck:

The Kid: Mama, I really don't think this is a good idea. You'll get lost.
Me: Oh, I will not.
The Kid: Heavenly Father, please help mama not to get lost so I don't starve to death in the car. Amen.

When you get to the high school football game an entire hour early and still struggle to find a seat. #ForTheLove #HottestTicketInTown#AlsoTheOnlyTicketInTown

You know how when you drive a Jeep you become part of the Jeep brotherhood? Apparently the same thing happens when you drive a late model Caddy. Except your "brotherhood" consists of Grannies who pull up next to you at the stop light, honk, and give you a thumbs up. #ItsACaddyThing #YouWouldntUnderstand #PartOfTheCoolCrowd#IfIWereYouIdWannaBeMeToo

The Kid had a homework question asking how many total vegetables were in a certain pot of soup:

The Kid: This homework is trying to test my intelligence.
Me: Uhh...yeah, that's usually how homework works, dude.
The Kid: Well, potatoes are a starch, not a vegetable, so they don't even count.
Me: Potatoes are vegetables and a starch.
The Kid: I don't think so! That's why you'd fail second grade, mama.
#DontTestMyIntelligence #PotatoesAreVegetables

The Kid: Do we own Cinderella?
Me: I think so.
The Kid: I'm going to need to watch it to study for my vocabulary test at school this week.
Me: Ok.
The Kid: Also, I'm going to need to know all of my vocabulary words in Chinese.
Me: I only speak Japanese, dude.
The Kid: Well, you're certainly disappointing.
#MyBad #IWillDoBetterNextTime

For the second week in a row, I've effectively pissed off every, single parent in the Silsbee school drop off lanes. #ImNotFromHere#SevenEntrancesAndYouCanOnlyEnterOne#DontYouHonkYourLittleLexusHornAtMeHoney

When you're at the Tractor Supply and you're vacillating between two different refrigerants, and a man with a mustache, wearing Wranglers with a Skoal ring on his back pocket points to one and says, "That one's guaranteed to freeze your ass off", you buy it immediately. #BestRecommendation #WhoNeedsGoogleReviews#MenInWranglersKnowStuffLikeThat

My take on the NFL protests (and really, protests in general, because I'm sure everyone wants to know): 1. I absolutely believe in any American's right to peaceful protest. 2. However, I don't think this is the best way for NFL players to draw attention to this specific issue (especially when you consider your audience). I thought the Dallas Cowboys handling was much more classy and poignant. 3. If you're going to protest something, please FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, know what you're protesting. Postgame interviews - seven men from seven different teams and seven different answers. 4. Have at least one educated sentence prepared on why you're protesting or nominate a spokesperson to do so for you. Nothing weakens a cause more than someone standing in front of a microphone saying, "Oh, we're protesting because, oh, you know...." 5. Protesting is not enough. Especially when you have money (that's you, NFL players) and perhaps a famous face to add to the cause. Find an organization that is furthering your cause and work with them in any way you can.

1. Before living in Texas, I didn't even know it was possible to have 93% humidity without it raining. 2. Someone in this house has been sick every, single day for an entire month. The stomach virus claimed the last one of us yesterday (even with large doses of grape juice). 3. The Kid, explaining when she knows to go sit on the toilet, "Oh, so I go sit on it when I feel like my bum is going to explode." 4. Motherhood is not for wimps. 5. How is it that UPS can find my house no problem, but FedEx can't find it to save their lives, even AFTER I've called to give explicit directions TWICE? It's not like I live in the middle of nowhere.

Feeling nostalgic this morning. I was just remembering a time where when I was tired, I went to bed and slept until it was time to wake up. It. Was. Awesome. #SleepDeprivationTorture #SleepIsForTheWeak

The Kid: What are you making?
Me: Biscuits.
The Kid: I don't see you using your Bread Bible.
Me: I'm using my mom's recipe.
The Kid: I doubt it will work. She didn't even write a part of the Bread Bible.

Picking up a few hours with my old job this morning. Meaning I actually had to be somewhere on time for the first time in over a year: 1. Both kids up at 4:30. 2. Lost my keys. 3. Couldn't find matching shoes for The Tater. 4. Literally on the way out the door when The Tater decides he needs to go to the bathroom. For fifteen minutes. 5. Two minutes down the road and my air conditioner quits. 6. I'm late. 7. Leaving The Tater with someone new today, ALL DAY, and I am having an anxiety attack. #PleaseGetBetterDay

The Kid sits down with a massive jar of Nutella:

The Kid: Some Nutella should tide me over until dinner.
Me: Do you plan to put it on something?
The Kid: Um, yes! I have this spoon to put it on.
#CantEvenBeMad #LikeMotherLikeDaughter #AllYouNeedIsASpoon#NutellaIsTheFruitOfTheGods

I've been a HUGE Wonder Woman fan my entire life (as evidenced by my refusing to wear any clothes beside my Wonder Woman swimming suit for my entire third and fourth year of life) and I've just finished the new Wonder Woman movie. I am sorry, but I refuse to believe Aries, The God of War has a British accent. #IMeanForReal #RemusLupinCannotAlsoBeAries#ButIStillNeedANewWonderWomanSwimmingSuit

Big thunder and lightning today:

The Tater: It's Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost!
Me: Naw, dude, it's thunder and lightning.
The Tater: No, it's not. They're mad with you.

In The Kid's prayers tonight, "And bless that the Africans on the savanna don't get diarrhea..." #ValidConcern#DontAskMeWhereSheComesUpWithTheseThings

That one time when you take your kid to the doctor and it takes FOREVER, not because you have to wait on the doctor, but because with every question the doctor asks your kid, she feels the need to tell the doctor her Medical History Since the Beginning of Time. Since The Kid is only seven, you'd think it wouldn't take that long, but you would be wrong. #ThisOneTimeAtBandCamp #StickToTheRelevantDetails#OurPediatricianIsASaint

The Tater has started watching Max and Ruby in French. As such, he now says, "Mama, I can do it! It's supa facile!" #DontWorryIKnowWhatItMeans#ITotallyTookFrenchInHighSchool #AndMomSaidIWouldNeverNeedIt

The Kid has discovered Siri. And despite multiple admonitions, she believes Siri is a real person who actually cares about her as Siri's answer to all of The Kid's long, drawn out questions is, "It's not about me, it's about you."

It is unclear to me whether it's better for everyone to all be sick at one time and just get it over with or if it's better to get sick one after another and string it out for a week so not everyone is miserable at the same time. #ManDown #StomachVirusFromHell#EitherWayMomsMiserableTheEntireTime

The one positive take-away from the BYU football season so far: Jonny Linehan is basically a shoo-in for the Ray Guy punter of the year award. #BecauseHesPunted900TimesThisSeason #QuantityOverQuality#ImNowCelebratingFirstDowns #AintNobodyNeedATouchdownAnyway#MostPainfulSeasonEVER

At my request, Husband is growing a beard. How you doin'? #SexyAndHeKnowsIt #AndIKnowItToo #FacialHairForTheWin

The Tater has a stomach bug, "Mama, my bum threw up on the floor and I can't make it to the toilet and I'm so sorry I make a mess, mama." #CantEvenBeMad #ButTheCloroxIsComingOut

Is anyone else having problems with kids not sleeping since the storm? Y'all, in 3 weeks, we've had one night (ONE NIGHT) where kids haven't been in and out of our room multiple times during the night. If it's anxiety based, I can totally try to be more understanding, but as of right now, all I am is tired and irritable. And sick, too.

Amount of time in which my Kindle estimates I will finish a book when my kids are awake and providing constant interruption: 6 hours 43 minutes. Amount of time in which my Kindle estimates I will finish the same book when my kids are asleep: 1 hour 25 minutes.

That one time when it's 4am and you're cleaning up puke as The Kid is loudly demonstrating about how disgusting it is (because for once in her entire life, she's not the culprit) and The Tater turns to you and says, "Mama, you clean that up. I go finish watching my show." #ThisIsMyLife#IAmBeingPunished #YouCleanItUp #ImGoingBackToBed

The Tater: Mama! Come here!
Me: What do you need, dude?
The Tater: I need to listen to you!

Upon arrival home from school, "Mama, I've got great news! The Big Bad Wolf wasn't big OR bad. I read the true story about him today and he's just plain fancy. He wears gloves. How can you be bad when you wear gloves?!" #MichaelJacksonWoreAGloveAndHeSangBad

It takes The Tater a solid thirty minutes to be approachable following a nap:

Me: What's the problem, dude?
The Tater: I wake up from a nap and now I will be sad forever!
#ThatsHowIFeelWhenHeWakesMeUpAt3AM

All summer long I have to tell my kids to close the door so as not to let the bought air out. As a general rule, it takes three to four tellings as they stare at me blankly and my voice volume increases dramatically and it's shrillness reaches levels only heard by dogs. For the last week, we've been having AMAZING, low humidity weather and as such, I've been trying to keep doors open to cool the house down. And guess what. Both of my children are literally running around after me closing the doors as soon as I walk away from them. #NowYouWantToCloseTheDoor

Just as I'm sitting down to eat breakfast, The Tater asks me to put his socks on:

Me: Dude, can you go ask daddy?
The Tater: I can't! Daddy doesn't know how to do anything!

If the Cajun Navy is the epitome of first responders, The Mormons are the epitome of second responders.  #CallUs #MormonsTearStuffUp#GoodbyeMoldyDrywall #WeWorkForFree#AndWeWillAlsoBringYouASammich

Continuation of the freak out about the STAAR test:

The Kid: But then I'll pass the STAAR test and then I'll go to college and fail there!
Me: Dude, if you believe you'll pass and work hard it will be fine.
The Kid: But I've been working hard and I believe I can fly and I can't do that, so I don't think that applies all the time!
#ExcellentPoint #IBelieveICanFly

The Kid is currently having a breakdown about having to take the STAAR test (which isn't even until the end of third grade), "But mama, it'll come so fast because time flies when you're having fun and I have fun, every, single, day. I'm going to have to try to be more miserable!"

So. Who's starting the petition to move Hurricane season from summer to winter when it's not so blasted hot? I'll be the first to sign. #WhatDoYouMeanThatsNotHowItWorks

A conversation that takes place at our house nine hundred times a day:

Me: Dude. Please take your hands out of your pants.
The Tater: I can't. It's stuck.
#ButSeriously #WhatIsItWithBoysAndTheirJunk #DontWorryItsStillThere#ItDidNotDisappearWithinTheLast17Seconds

That one time when Hurricane Harvey was bearing down on the Texas coast and you're all like, "I'd better stock up on batteries just in case" and you proceed to buy one billion AA batteries. And then your power goes out and you find that every.single.one of your flashlights takes AAA batteries. #HurricaneFail #NoWorriesTheLightsAreBackOn#GoodThingBecauseIWasGettingMean

So. Harvey did not succeed in killing off the love bugs. Just in case you were wondering.  #IKnowYouWereThinkingAboutIt#TaterIsGoingToKillTheRestByHand

The Kid, "I hope when I serve my mission, I don't get called to Mexico. Because I don't think they really know how to do tacos like you do, mom." #TacoMaster #TheAmericanVersion#SeeJessicaHarderIMakeAmazingTacos

1. I am NOT graceful under pressure. 2. I also LITERALLY cannot be nice when I'm hot. Or tired. 3. Husband is a saint for putting up with me. In any condition. 4. I am asking my wealthy benefactor for a generator for Christmas. And ten five-gallon gas cans. And a water purifier. 5. We tried to get gas at Walmart down the road and the line was literally two miles long. In our little town, there is not even one gallon of gas to be had. 6. I tried to buy milk yesterday and there is none to be had. Or eggs. Or any type of bread product. 7. The Texans and specifically the Buna-ites really are the best people on the entire planet. #LifeAfterHarvey#ThingsYouDontThinkAbout

You know what my favorite thing about not having power? Having to explain to my children every 7.2 seconds what does and what doesn't work when the power is out. What does work = nothing. What doesn't work = everything. That about clears it up.