That one time when you're watching brave and amazing helicopter rescues from flood water and the CNN news anchor complains because "there are no seats in those helicopters". It happened to be the same anchor that got onto Melania Trump yesterday for wearing white on their tour of Corpus. Uhh....as they say, ain't nobody care about that. #SeriouslyLady
1. We've just heard from the governor that price gouging during a storm is not only illegal, but is patently "un-Texan". 2. I'm pretty sure all of the rain and wind has purely addled The Tater. He is now referring to me as "you little chickie". 3. It's still raining. And blowing. 4. To do list before the next storm: (1) buy boat (2) become helicopter pilot (3) learn to teleport. The last one has nothing to do with storms. #Harvey#LongestStormInTheHistoryOfEver
What does it say about my children that our cats would rather spend all day and night in the rain rather than occupy the same space as them? #Maulers
Local news reports the city of Beaumont has received over 45 inches of rain (26 inches yesterday alone). It's still raining. It was a rough, scary night. If anyone needs a dry place (and can actually get here), our house is open to you.
Y'all. It's been raining like the dickens non-stop since midnight last night (after a small reprieve yesterday afternoon/evening). It. Is. So. Much. Water. According to the weather, now Tropical Storm Harvey will make landfall tomorrow morning somewhere between us and the Louisiana border. #GoAwayHarvey #WinningAtHurricaning #HurricaningIsTotallyAWord#RainRainGoAway
"Mama, can you paint my nails? I can't let a hurricane keep me from being fabulous." #HurricaneHarvey #CantKeepUsDown#WeAreBusyBeingFabulous
There is now officially water over our road, but in championship fashion, The Caddy brought us safely home from church. Still raining. And we're almost out of peanut M&Ms. #StateOfEmergency#SendOutTheNationalGuard #NoButSeriouslyPrayForTexas
It's been raining steadily for the last twenty hours. The Kid, worrying that the school will be closed tomorrow, "Mama! We've gotta pray to God that it stops raining and we can go to school tomorrow or else Mrs. Shofner will miss seeing me for an entire day! She'll be so disappointed!" #ImSureSheWould
When it's raining big outside and your family is stuck inside and your seven-year-old decides that now is an optimal time to learn how to whistle. #NotAnnoyingAtAll
So, nobody worry, because thanks to my weather genius friend, Heather, a new, 100% correct Hurricane Harvey prediction has just been revealed. It's referred to as the "BYU Model" and will make it possible for me to watch the BYU game this weekend (our cable goes out when it rains) and will decrease flooding in Houston so the BYU/LSU game will still happen next week. And for this, we praise the Lord. #BecauseLetsFocusOnWhatReallyMatters #TheLordsTeam#43KyleGriffittsIsMyBrother #WellHesNotTechnicallyMyBrother#HesMyBrotherInTheGospel #AndAlsoByAdoption#HesNotAwareIveAdoptedHim #HurricaneHarveyCantKeepUsApart#PrayForTheBYUModel
The native Bunans (or should that be Buna-ites? Tanya Ferguson, please advise) are sand bagging and filling up every gas can on the face of the planet. The egrets are flocking and I just saw the biggest snake I've ever seen in my entire life. Husband is making fun of me because I bought two cases of water on top of the three he already had. As of right now, the storm is supposed to hit 327 miles to our southwest, but damned if I'm not ready for it!
I have just been reassured that I sweat as efficiently as an elite athlete. Look out, Usain Bolt, I'm comin' for ya! Or at least I'm coming for you as you were before you lost to Justin Gatlin, who, bless his heart, is a Grade A douche bag. #SweatLikeAnAthlete #BeAChampion #JustDoIt
Latest discovery: if I tell my children something is their father's, they are 96% more likely to leave it alone.
1. When the kid who literally talks NON-STOP all day long is gone to school, the house is eerily quiet. 2. The Tater has not had one, single tantrum today because he's not been required to share a single thing with anyone. 3. The Tater celebrated the first day of school by removing all of his clothing and streaking the gym. 4. I mowed the entire lawn. Without breaking anything. 5. Upon coming inside from mowing I literally had a love bug stuck in my teeth and five of them stuck to my face. Like the grill of a car. There are swarms and swarms of them. 6. I smell like sweat and mud. Come on over and we'll party.
Me: Dude, what'd you think of the eclipse?
The Tater: I fink it's a jolly good show.
#OhExcuseMe #IDidntRealizeIWasAddressingTheQueen
The Kid: The eclipse was lame.
Me: Well, now we have to wait until 2024 for the next one. You'll be in high school and probably be acting terrible.
The Kid: I'm sure when I'm in high school, I'll be absolutely delightful.
#Eclipse2017
I am at my wit's end with these love bugs. I've done EVERYTHING I've found on the Internet to get rid of them. The bad news: apple cider vinegar doesn't keep them from your house. The good news: It keeps literally everyone and everything else from your house. #WhyDoesYourDoorSmellLikeVinegar
The Kid: What are you packing me for a snack on my first day of school?
Me: You don't get snack time in second grade, dude.
The Kid: WHAT?! Whose cockamamie idea was THAT?!
#CockamamieForsooth
It's been roughly 24-hours since The Foot Injury Heard Round The World took place (but seriously, by the time I got to her, she'd literally smeared blood all over her face, hands, and both legs, and I was terrified). Y'all. The whining and crying and whimpering that have gone on since then....I might lose it. #WhiningIsMyLeastFavoriteLanguage #SuckItUpCupcake
You know, I've dreamt of having a potty trained kid for maybe two years. Then it happens, and maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be. 1. I am called into the bathroom at least fifteen times a day to see what has been produced in the toilet. 2. As such, I am also required to re-dress him fifteen times a day since I cannot convince him that he doesn't need to be completely naked to potty. 3. Still wiping bums. 4. His hands down his pants. All. Day. Long. 5. Going out in public has just become immensely more difficult - I literally never know when he's going to drop his pants and run to the bathroom. #WhoseIdeaWasThis #YesThatsVeryNicePoop#GoodJobLittleBuddy
Me: Hey, dude, what do you say we ditch the chores today and just go swimming?
The Kid: FINALLY! A parenting move I can get on board with!
And again, The Kid is crying because she's nervous about starting 2nd grade:
The Kid: But I won't know anyone and what if they bully me?
Husband: How about we walk in and the first kid you see, you punch them in the nose.
The Kid: But then no one will want to be my friend.
Husband: Yeah, they'll all be scared of you.
Me: You're not helping.
Husband: How about we walk in and the first kid you see, you punch them in the nose.
The Kid: But then no one will want to be my friend.
Husband: Yeah, they'll all be scared of you.
Me: You're not helping.
Family home evening game won by Husband, giving him the right to be called "Lord Master Supreme Commander" for the rest of the evening. #ICantStopGiggling
We are officially on day two of undie-wearing-Tater. All his idea. No timers, no salty foods, no excessive drink offerings. No threatening, bribing, or cajoling. He is a) super thrilled about the "pocket" in his undies, b) convinced that the only toilet he can go in is the one in my bedroom, c) overly obsessed with his man junk, d) only interested in wearing blue undies, e) a believer that when one goes to the bathroom, every, single stitch of clothing must be removed. #OnlyNearAccidents#AintNobodyGotTimeForGreyUndies
I just bought my daughter jeggings, people. Jeggings. And a backpack with a rainbow unicorn on it. #ISworeINeverWould#SchoolShoppingWeakenedMyResolve#INixedTheBackpackWithARainbowPoopEmoji #SoAtLeastTheresThat
The Kid and I have constant disagreements about her hair:
Me: Dude, what did you do to your bangs?
The Kid: I put them up. They always get in my face.
Me: Well, we can cut them, you know.
The Kid: Not today, sister. NOT TODAY.
Me: Dude, what did you do to your bangs?
The Kid: I put them up. They always get in my face.
Me: Well, we can cut them, you know.
The Kid: Not today, sister. NOT TODAY.
The Tater decided all on his own last night to potty in the toilet several times. Thinking he was FINALLY READY to potty train, I suggested he put his undies on again when he woke up this morning and he started screaming, "NO! I DON'T LIKE IT UNDIES! BECAUSE THERE'S ALIENS!
Satan invented foam rolling. And that's all I have to say about that. #OldLadyBackProblems #LordGiveMeStrength
That one time at the gym when you decide to do some of the exercises Katy Jo Shaffer posts to Instagram thinking, "They don't look THAT hard" and then you do them and you pretty much die on the first set. #AllHerMusclesTrickedMe #HowIsSoLittleAndStillThatStrong
All of this rain is ruining my remaining summer plans: to swim all day, every day and neglect everything else (but especially laundry). Instead, we're stuck inside and guess what's staring me down? Buckets of clean-but-not-folded clothes. #ItKnowsIHateIt #LaundryWithAnAttitude #RainRainGoAway
I gave The Tater a bowl of apple slices and then sat down to eat them with him. He batted my hand away, said, "That is enough for you!", and proceeded to drag a chair over to the fridge so he could put them out of my reach. #CheekyBugger
Every time I do housework, I promise myself I'll make a schedule where I'll do a little work each day instead of cleaning the whole house at one time and hating myself for it. Of course, I don't always do it. In fact, I've never done it. #IHateHousework #CleaningWithLittleKidsIsStupid#OnceItsCleanImLockingEveryoneOut
When you ask someone if they're busy and they say they have to "check their schedule" and you're all like, "Huh. The only thing on my schedule is keeping this hair silky and being awesome." #JustLikeMaui#BeingThisAwesomeTakesWork
The Kid is singing the chorus to "Stay" (Zedd, Alessia Cara), "It keeps saying we should wait a minute, but I don't know what they want me to wait for because if it's something ridiculous, I really do have other things to do." #WeDontWaitForRidiculousThings #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat
That one time when you put the entire BYU football schedule on your (BYU disliking) Husband's calendar and then laugh yourself silly because really, could you be more clever? #22DaysTillKickoff #MyOwnPersonalChristmas
The Kid is currently upstairs crying (sounding much like a wounded elk) because I told her she has to clean her room before she can have a friend over. She claims cleaning is "not fun" and "not fair" and "takes forever". Um...yes, those things are all true. #YouDontHaveToWantToYouJustHaveToDoIt
Y'all. It's August 2nd. That means at least two more months of Texas summer. Maybe three. And I am so-tired-of-being-hot-and-sweaty. As someone who has difficulties maintaining any sort of normal body temperature, I get physically ill when I get too hot - Texas is going to be the death of me. #HotBody #NoOneIsThisHot #DontHugMe#ThanksForNothingIntegumentarySystem
Brittany Spears came on the radio at the gym today:
Me: This was popular when I was in college.
The Kid: So....1837?
#NailedIt
#GettinCrunkIn1837 #ImApparentlyAVampire
The Kid: So....1837?
#NailedIt
#GettinCrunkIn1837 #ImApparentlyAVampire
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