On Facebook - October 2017

You know what’s awesome? Your kids waking up and running the house and then TWO HOURS LATER, you’re running around the house turning off all of those “now is the appropriate time to wake up” alarms you’ve set for them. #IsThisAHalloweenJoke #WhenIsNapTime #GoToSleep

Husband is upstairs watching college football and this from The Kid, “Daddy’s just up there yelling at those men on TV. I hope they listen to him because you know how mad he gets when people don’t listen.” #YouMeanYou #HeGetsMadWhenYOUDontListen

It’s FINALLY shorts and sweatshirt weather. I hate to brag, but this is kind of my season - my best look, if you will. #DontBlinkOrYoullMissIt#ITrainForThisAllYear

Me: Hey, finish your food, we need to go to the store.
The Tater: The food store?
Me: No, the Dollar Store.
The Tater: Are we going to buy some dollars?
#IWillGiveYourFiftyCentsForThatDollar

Yesterday I remembered how I used to fix my hair every, single day. So, I decided to put in a little more effort: 1. Fixing hair takes 300 years. This may be short lived because sleep is more important. 2. I bought hairspray for the first time in ten years. I bought the cheap kind (because AquaNet was 98 cents and look how amazing that was). The cheap kind smells like a brothel. How do I know what a brothel smells like, you ask. That’s another story for another day.

Me trying to guilt/threaten/entice The Tater into wearing his Halloween costume:

Me: If you wear your costume and take your pumpkin and say, “Trick or Treat!”, people will put candy in your bucket.
The Tater (gasps): WOWEE! That’s AMAZING!
#IKnowRight #PeopleJustRandomlyGiveCandy #HalloweenIsACandyMiracle

So. Say you’ve decided to swear off fried food. But since you make bacon in the oven, bacon is exempt from the “no fried” status, right? Asking for a friend.

Brought some balloons home from work last night:

The Tater: Don’t let it go or it’ll fly away high in the sky!
The Kid: No, it won’t. I attached it to two glow sticks and glow sticks are stronger than helium.
The Tater: Oh, I see! You’re smart!

When you get to work with THREE lip glosses in your pocket. #Addicted#YouKnowJustInCase #INeedAllOfThem #IHaveALotOfLips

An insight into who I am: when Google Maps gives me two routes that look equidistant, you can bet your rear end that I’ll take the one with seven school zones, a traffic jam, and 900 buses. #IMakePoorDecisions

The Kid finishes telling me a story that’s twelve million hours long:

The Kid: So, what do you think, mama?
Me: I think that would be awesome.
The Kid: Mama, I’m sensing sarcasm, whereas I was being completely serious.
#DontBeRidiculous #ImOnlySarcasticOnTuesdays

Note to self: when a recipe calls for chicken cutlets, go ahead and pay the extra money and buy actual chicken cutlets. Because you super suck and trying to cut your own from the cheaper chicken breasts.  #FYI#LuckilyIDidntCutMyHandOff #Uneven #WhatAFreakingMess

When you’ve been at home full time with a three-year-old and decide to go back to work: 1. You repeatedly sniff a patient because she “smells like cake”. 2. During a massage, every time a patient tells you something hurts, you pet their hair and say, “You’re doing a good job.” #NotFitForPublicLife#HereLetMeSmellYou #PettingYourHeadIsntCreepingYouOutRight

When it's finally cold enough for a couple of days to sleep with the window open and you wake up in the morning to a 62 degree house and your inner polar bear is yelling, "YAAAAASSSSSSS!" #IWasAPolarBearInMyFormerLife#ColdWeatherMakesMeFeelSassy

Today at Walmart: The Tater yanks down his pants in the middle of an aisle and yells, "Look, mama! My pee-nee is getting bigger!" #NotEmbarrassingAtAll #YesVeryNiceDude #PullUpYourPantsForTheLove

Working on parts for this Sunday's Primary Program at church, trying to prompt The Tater to say, "My daddy gives me priesthood blessings when I am sick":

Me: My daddy gives me....
The Tater: MONEY!
#NailedIt

When you go through the trouble of printing and cutting coupons and forget to give them to the Walmart cashier before your credit card goes through. #NoButSeriously #GiveMeMyTwoDollars#ItWasActuallyThreeDollars #BigMoney

When your mother tells you the same story six times and you know that in her mind, since she's said it six times, that means that all six of her kids know about it. #YesYouToldMeThatSixTimes #ButDidYouTellAnyoneElse#ErinHowAmISupposedToRememberWhoITold

New to the list of the parents I've pissed off in the school drop off line: Lumberton Middle School. #CanIJustPassYouToGetInTheParkingLot#ImNotTryingToCutTheLine #YesIHaveToGoThisSlowOverSpeedBumps
#TheCaddyIsClassyButItBottomsOut

It's official: starting Tuesday, October 17th, I will rejoin the incomparable massage team at Wilson Chiropractic. I will be available for longer massages Tuesday/Thursday mornings and will be working in the treatment bay doing treatment massages in the afternoons. Come by and see me! To schedule an appointment (either for massage or for chiropractic care) call 866-8661. #MassageTherapyChangesLives #IAlsoChangeLives#AndILookAmazingInScrubs

Nothing fuels my longing for another baby more than finding a tiny dinosaur costume at the local consignment shop. Conversely, nothing quells my longing for another baby more than my three-year-old picking out a Halloween costume that he declares is "his very favorite" and then screaming like I've asked him to pull off his own fingernails when I want him to try it on at home. #IWantAnotherBaby #NoIDont#CanWeStickWithOurDecisionsPlease #JustPutTheFreakingCostumeOn

Two things that make me happier than pretty much anything: 1. Hearing Husband talk to our children when he doesn't know I'm listening. 2. A freshly mowed lawn. I stand on the porch for days after it's mowed just to see how tidy it looks. #MyHouseIsDirtyButLookAtMYGrass

Me: We can either read the scriptures or just for tonight, you can stay and play in the bath for fifteen extra minutes.
The Kid: MAMA! NO! We have to read the scriptures. It's a commandment! And if I'm wrong about it being a commandment, it's still what God would want us to do!
#OhRight #ParentingFail #ItWasATestToSeeWhatYouWouldChoose#YouPassed #Congratulations

The Kid: Daddy says I have poop all over my undies, but I don't see it.
Me: Yup. Right there. It might be Nutella, though.
The Kid: I'm going to go ahead and lick it to check which it is.
#EwwwwNO #KidsAreGross

The Kid brought home a new book from school:

The Kid: This book has bad words in it and I don't feel good about reading them.
Me: What words would those be?
The Kid: Stupid. And ugly. I'm just going to have to refer to them as "S" and "U".
Me: Uh, yeah, ok, that works.
#StupidIsTheSWord #NotUglyJustUnfortunateLooking

Husband has baked us a soapapilla cheesecake. The Kid is ready to recommend him for sainthood based on this act alone. #SoDelicious#BetterThanAnythingYouMakeMom #SugarAndButterAndABitMoreSugar

Woke up in the middle of the night with the head cold from hell (thus ending our nine day streak where no one was sick) 1. As someone who rarely, if ever, watches daytime TV, I'm here to tell you that it is absolute garbage. 2. Without proper supervision, The Tater managed to mess up my entire box of yarn (for behold, it was a big box) and almost succeeded in tying himself into the closet. It really did take an appeal to every, single one of my motherly sympathies to not leave him there. 3. Husband brought me a Dr Pepper before he left for work. It was absolutely delicious. 4. How has cold medicine not improved over the last 30 years? 5. I've finished Poldark. Now what do I do?

When Husband comes home from work bearing a gallon of milk and a jug of Simply Lemonade, you know he's a keeper. #AFewOfMyFavoriteThings#MyLoveLanguage #ItsTheSimpleThings

When you've been two weeks air conditioner-less in your car and have arrived everywhere you've gone with sweat running down your shins. And then one day, Jake Allen comes and works his voodoo magic, and your air conditioner works again! #PraiseTheLord #BlessedAirConditioning#YesEvenInOctober

The Kid: Will you read this to me?
Me: Why don't you read it to me? Looks like something you can read.
The Kid: I should have never learned to read! Now I have to work all the time!
#Amen #WeShouldAllRemainAsIgnorantAsPossible

Nearing the end of Season 2 of Poldark and here's the #1 lesson learned so far: Ross would have a much better, easier life if he'd just listen to his freaking wife. For. The. Love. Ross.  #SelfAbsorbedMuchRoss#DemelzasHairMadeAComeback #GeorgeIsTheDevil

The Tater just came to me with his paper towel roll "telescope":

Me: Oh, am I supposed to look for treasure?
The Tater: Yes! Put it on your eye. Look at me! I am your treasure.
#MyBestGuy #WhereYourHeartIsThereWillYourTreasureBeAlso

It is The Kid's main goal in life to have at least one of the cats imprisoned at all times. Today when the cat managed to escape her massive cat fortress she screams at her brother, "Tater! We're really going to need to up our game!" #ThesePoorCats #ICanOnlyProtectThemSoMuch

"Mama, I sure am glad we made friends with the British after we whipped them at war. Or else, how'd we ever know about all of these great English things? Like talking. And drinking tea. And watching The Minions steal the queen's crown." #AllAmazingThings #ThankYouEngland