Friday, October 24, 2014

Wherein I Complain

I am so effing tired of being sick.

I've been sick since September 26th.  Well, no, that's not true.  But I do remember that day very well because I was up almost all night with Tater for a reason still unknown to me and I missed church because I could barely hold my head up.

Right after that, I got sick.  And I've stayed sick.

I had the pneumonia.  I knew I had the pneumonia.  The doctor didn't believe I had the pneumonia and gave me a weenie antibiotic that I took for an entire week and continued to get steadily worse.

And then I was all like, "Doctor, dude, I told you I have the pneumonia, give me something f'real."

So, he did.  And I took that for a week and stopped having fevers and hot flashes.

But the cough and shortness of breath continue to be a problem.  Like, I walk up the stairs and at the top, I have to take a rest.  There are thirteen steps.  Hardly breathless-worthy.  I can't take a deep breath or laugh without coughing.

And to top it all off, now my nose is dripping like a hose.

You know how hard it is to give a massage when you can't take a deep breath or take time to repeatedly blow your nose?

Not that I'm doing that massages.  I've been "working" for three weeks and managed to give my first for-real-paid-on-a-massage-table-massage yesterday.  I don't know if it's good news or bad news, but the dude slept for about 83 minutes of the 90 minute massage.  He said it was an outstanding massage, but I have no idea how he'd know that.  At least he couldn't hear me sniffling and breathing heavily and think me inappropriate.

Other than that, I do a whole lot of sitting around, which was exactly why I hesitated to take the job in the first place.  I detest sitting around (paying others to take care of my children) when I have things at home that could be getting done.  Like watching What About Bob.

So, now that I'm done complaining (and on a FRIDAY of all days), here's my prayer for the next week:  please let me feel better.  A month is a looooooong time to feel cruddy.  And please let me be useful (and get paid) at work!  Me sitting there is helping no one.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

11 Months



*Tater is standing and walking.  Well, kind of walking.  The most he's taken is ten steps at a time.  But, if he falls, you'd better bet he's not getting back up.  He takes one try at it and then takes another try about three hours later.  If he'd just stand back up and try again right away, he would have been walking days ago.

*This kid is in love with food.  Like so in love that if anyone has anything that can even remotely be considered food, he stands in front of them and grunts loudly until he gets a bite...or fourteen bites.  It doesn't matter if he's just eaten.

* He doesn't have very many toys and he doesn't really need them since he spends most of the day playing with empty baby food bottles.  He pushes them all over the house.

*I think he's talking.  I swear to you that he says bye bye, thank you, mama, daddy, and pee pie.  I know, it's probably just wishful thinking, but I pretend it's not.

*  He continues to love his sister.  She can maul him and carry him around by the neck and he thinks it's hilarious.  At least until he can't breathe.

* He's done very, very well at the little two-day program he's been going to while I work.  He doesn't seem to mind that I leave and has even started taking a nap there.

* He is a laugher and a smiler and I think I'm entitled to have one since Carolyn didn't laugh or smile until she was about fifteen months old.

* He is still holding steady at 8 teeth.

* He still does not like to snuggle.  Ever.  I'm going to keep having children until I have one that does.

*He has finally started sleeping through the night about three times a week.  It's totally random, but at least that's something.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Thirty-Five


Happy thirty-fifth.

We're old.  Or rather, I'm old.  I wonder if you're still 18.  Probably.

We'll be watching Dumb and Dumber tonight and I might make a pie.  Your niece thinks the pie is a great idea.  Of course, she doesn't quite understand that it's your birthday and not hers.  She's already invited one friend over and told them it will be a Frozen themed party.

All I know is that since you've gone, time has marched on.  And yes, it's marched across my face.  I saw myself in the mirror a couple of days ago and thought, "Oh, my word, I'm MOM!"  My lines are in the exact same places hers are - it's more than a little disturbing.

I miss you.  Still.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Because, WHY NOT?!

I started my new job on Tuesday.

I was so nervous, I almost puked.

I'm just doing between eight and ten hours a week at the chiropractic office around the corner from our house.  It's the same place I did events with last spring, so it's not like I don't know the people.

It's rough because I haven't worked in an office setting in over three years.  So, I'm basically starting from scratch client-wise.

I'm hoping access to chiropractic patients will make the transition easier.

But, naturally, things can't go the way they're supposed to.

I started feeling nasty last Saturday.  And then three times as nasty on Monday night.  Tuesday, my first day of work, I propped myself up with a dose of NyQuil and Mucinex and went to work (which was kind of anti-climactic anyway because I got there and everyone acted like they didn't know I was coming and I ended up doing 10-minute chair massages in the waiting room all morning long).

By the time I was done, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed.

Thursday, on what would have been my second day of work, I drove myself down to the doctor's office for the first time in I-don't-even-know-how-long.

Turns out I have pneumonia.  Freaking outstanding.  They loaded me up with drugs and gave me a steroid shot in the rear end and off I went, feeling like a million bucks.

Good news:  the "million bucks" feeling lasts for 24 full hours.  Bad news:  the steroid makes you feel like you can do anything, so you do, and then when the steroid wears off OH. EM. GEE.  It's like getting hit with a truck.  Again.

Husband has been making the dinners and cleaning the kitchen and all I can do is languish on the couch while kids crawl all over me.  I am so, so, so, so tired.  All I want is to curl up in a ball and have someone pet my hair while I drink a fruit smoothie from a super long straw.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Monday, October 06, 2014

Family Photo - Eight Years in the Making

My New Year's goal for the past four years has been to take a family photo.  And I was just sure it wouldn't be hard.  And then I looked up and an entire year was gone (and then FOUR entire years) and it hadn't been done.  Also, I may have sort of avoided it thinking, "Oh, by next year, I'll be 20 pounds lighter and it'll be better to do it then."

So, last month, I traded some services with a good friend of mine who is a photographer.  And then kind of swindled her into taking our family pictures.

She's a photographer.  A for real one.  Like she has gear.  And she's the kind of photographer that makes you realize that even though you consider yourself somewhat of a photographer as well, all you really do is randomly dink around with your camera.

Anyway, here are a few of the sneak peak images she posted this morning.  The good news is, she's totally edited out my neck wattle!

Just as a PS We had a majorly hard time getting Tate to smile at all.  I couldn't figure it out because he'd just had a nap and after a good nap, he's usually a super agreeable kid. Then, on the way home, as he was having a major conniption, we realized we hadn't actually fed him since noon.  Mother of the Year!






Wednesday, September 24, 2014

10 Months



*Tater made 10 months.  I've been trying for over a week to get a picture of him standing up - because he does that now - and he's just not having it.

*Tater is now a HUGE fan of food.  Such a big fan, in fact, that when you run out of food, no matter what it is, he screams bloody murder and throws himself on the floor.  It's awesome.

*  He's got a little temper on him anyway.  He doesn't like to have things taken away from him.  Period.

*He STILL doesn't sleep through the night.  I'm having to avoid anyone who has kids who actually sleep through the night because I want to choke them.

*  He's figured out the stairs.  And he wants to be on them constantly.  He can get all the way up in about 3 seconds.

*I keep thinking he'll start walking soon, but then he's still so unsteady on his feet, I think it'll be a couple of months yet.

*He lurves his sister.  Any time she's on the floor, he crawls over, sits by her, and pulls her hair while giggling like a fiend.

*  I've been trying to transition him to a sippy cup (gave up completely on the bottle), but literally the only thing he will drink out of it is apple juice.  I'd give it to him all day every day except I'm scared it'll rot his teeth out.

*He has somehow stopped growing - for the first six months, I could barely keep him in clothes.  Since then, he's been in the same size (9-12 months).  I think he's getting taller, but he's thinning out a little.

*  He is holding steady with 8 teeth.  Every time he's grouchy, I force his mouth open just sure he will have molars.

*I fish things-he's-not-supposed-to-have out of this mouth about 40 times every day.  I really do try to keep the floor picked up, but he still manages to find things.  I blame his sister.


On Facebook - September!!

The Kid: Are you excited about me going to school?
Me: I'm excited and sad.
The Kid: It's ok to be sad sometimes. Sad is a normal human emotion. 
Me: A normal human emotion? Who taught you that?!
The Kid: From my daddy. He's a great guy.


The Kid was playing with The Tater when she jumped up on the bed:

Me: Well that's hardly fair. He can't climb on the bed yet, dude.
The Kid: Mama, I've got news. It's never going to be fair.



Picked The Kid up from school today:

Me: How did it go?
The Kid: Awful.
Me: Awful?! Why?!
The Kid: They make me keep my clothes on even when I'm hot. It's ridiculous!


Got home from church today to find The Kid parked on a stool in front of my birthday cake:

Me: What're you doing, dude?
The Kid: I'm eating a delicious meal of cake and green beans.
Me: That sounds disgusting. 
The Kid: Well, I didn't put the green beans IN the cake



Me: You know I love you, right, dude?
The Kid: You know, I'm glad. Because the feeling is mutual.


Gave The Kid something she didn't like for dinner last night:

The Kid: Mama, you know there's no way I can eat all of that. It'll make me pregnant with a food baby.



The Kid: Mama, can you wrap me up in this blanket?
Me: Sure. You want me to make you into a burrito?
The Kid: Oh, mama, don't be silly. I want you to make me into a chrysalis.


Picked The Kid up from school today:

The Kid: Man, this heat is KILLING me.
Me: It is, huh?
The Kid: You know what would make me feel better? A cold Sonic beverage.



Me: Do you know what Cora's Daddy's name is?
The Kid: No. What is it?
Me: It's Aaron. Like my name. But it's spelled a different way.
The Kid: Well, that's an interesting approach.


The Kid: I think Elliot is my favorite so I can't wait till he grows up.
Me: Why's that?
The Kid: Because I'm going to marry him and tell him what to do all the time.



Had a lesson at Family Night about tithing:

Me: Sometimes the church uses tithing to build church buildings. Like the one where mommy and daddy got married. What is that place called?
The Kid: Um....McDonald's?


The Kid, explaining her school art project to me:

The Kid: I drew your favorite vegetable! It's a pepper!
Me: Oh, I do like peppers. What's your favorite vegetable?
The Kid: Chocolate cake.



Sleepless nights for mom coupled with four rainy days in a row = A LOT of time on the tablet for The Kid. She insists on turning it up as loud as it will go - I ask her about 45 times a day to turn it down (that is a conservative estimate). And unfortunately, all of this = a VERY short temper for the mother.

Me: For the love, turn that damn tablet down!
The Kid: Ok. Mama, what's a damn tablet?


The Kid: Mama, do monkeys love ketchup?
Me: Uh....I don't know.
The Kid: Well, that's disappointing. I thought you knew some stuff.



Saw a man riding a motorcycle without a helmet today:

The Kid: That guy is just like those monkeys.
Me: What monkeys?
The Kids: Those ones that were jumping on the bed and bonked their heads. His mother will not be pleased.


The Kid: Look mama, I'm Elsa!
Me: But you don't have any clothes on.
The Kid: Oh, mama, I think Elsa probably played in her undies sometimes, too.



The Kid, when not at home, is a garbage-picking-up-fiend. Today, as we were walking into Chick-Fil-A, there was a dude outside playing a guitar, his CFA drink sitting by his case. Before I could stop her, she picked up his cup, dumped it on the sidewalk, and threw the cup in the garbage can proclaiming, "I'm an EXCELLENT garbage man!" Sorry, dude.

On Facebook...(all the way to August!)

Whenever I cook with ground beef, I always save a small pile out for myself before I put in whatever sauce I'm doing (I've done it for as long as I can remember). Today, I turned my back and The Kid walked in and out of the kitchen holding my meat:

The Kid: Oh, mama, thank you so much for saving me all of these little meats. They are delicious.


We got a Conn' s circular today in the mail:

The Kid: Look! They're selling us a new house!
Me: Naw, dude, it's just new furniture.
The Kid: Well, it's a nothing but a bunch of rubbish.


The Kid is outside killing ants: "I am sending you to Heavenly Father. Congratulations!"


The Kid: You know what my problem is?
Me: What?
The Kid: I just keep ordering the same Mexican food all the time.


Called to make a hair appointment for The Kid so she can get evened up before school starts:

Me: I just called to make you an appointment for a haircut.
The Kid: So I can get clown hair?
Me: What's clown hair?
The Kid: Big hair with rainbows in it. And I really, really want it!


Me: Dude! Where's your swimming suit? This is the third time I've had to ask. If I have to ask again, we won't go.
The Kid: Oh, mama, thank you do much for giving me one more opportunity to do the right thing.



The Kid: Let's play a game where you're me and I'm you.
Me: Ok.
The Kid: Go clean your room right now!
Me: Yes, ma'am!
The Kid: Mama, you're not playing right! You know I have to tell Carolyn three times before she does anything!


Our favorite grocery store is remodeling...and that means lots of stuff is being moved around and now I can't find anything:

Me: Where on earth is the soup?! It's just....GONE.
The Kid: It must have been the Russians.
Me: You think the Russians took the soup?
The Kid: That Vladimir Putin is always taking stuff that's not his.



The Kid in a dialog while playing with her toys (all of her toys, regardless of make or species, are Anna and Hans):

Hans: Will you marry me?
Anna: Of course I won't.
Hans: Why not? I have great hair.
Anna: Well, great hair or not, there's no way you're kissing my belly button. Or my ears.


The Kid: What do dragon flies eat?
Me: Uh.. I don't know.
The Kid: We should look in up on the internet. Because having the internet means you never have to wonder.



Shredding some beef roast to use in burritos and this, "Mama! This looks like a meat-a-palooza!"


The Kid: Daddy, I have good news! We can go to the Hamas! Where you can get a nice massage and where hearts beat faster!
Daddy: Where?
The Kid: The Hamas.
Daddy: (blank look)
Me: She means The Bahamas.



Have the pool all to ourselves this morning, "Mama! Since we're just here all alone, wouldn't it be a good time to just swim without out clothes on? I can do my best swimming tricks naked."


Trying to explain the difference between a noun and a verb to The Kid:

The Kid: Is "ruin" a verb?
Me: Well, it's a noun and a verb.
The Kid: It's an action Tate did.
Me: It is?
The Kid: Yeah, when he was born, he ruined our lives.



The Kid was "helping" me frost cupcakes:

"Mama, you know the funny thing about this knife? It only holds enough frosting for me, but not enough for a cupcake, so I'd better just eat it, I guess."


To a very hug-happy friend at the gym today, "Listen, this is a lot of good love, but could you step off a little bit?"


Had a well-check today at the doctor's office:

Doctor: Can you count to ten?
The Kid: Did you want it in English, Spanish, or Japanese?
Doctor: Well, you know a lot, don't you?
The Kid: My mama says I'm a know-it-all.


Talking to The Kid about BYU:

Me: Do you know that I graduated from BYU? 
The Kid: I didn't know you were smart enough to go to college! Good for you!



Taught The Kid the BYU fight song last night and at the end, this:

"Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, GOOOOOOOO Kroger!"

On Facebook (JULY!)

The Kid: You know what would make me feel so much more cooler? Having some Chick Fil A by the pool.


The Kid: Now, I'm not trying to copy daddy, but I gotta have a cup of delicious orange juice.


For various reasons, we've been discussing death a lot in our house. Today, this, "Mama, if daddy went to heaven, I'd miss him so much! But then the TV would be all mine and that wouldn't be so bad."


Me: Do you know what sound a lion makes?
The Kid: ROAR!
Me: Yeah, but they also chuff. Like this, "Mahuf, Mahuf."
The Kid: Well, my goodness me!



Having chicken and spinach salad for dinner and this, "Mama, why are we having leaves?"


The Kid: When I have a baby, I'm going to name her Elsa. 
Me: What if you have a boy? 
The Kid: Oh, mama, don't be silly. God wouldn't do that to me.



The Kid: I have a brilliant idea. Next time it's the 4th of July, we should live in America.
Me: We already live in America.
The Kid: Well then next time, we should have a better party.


The Kid: Well, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I have to practice my best 4th of July moves.

*These moves include lots of dancing around in her undies while brandishing an umbrella. Oh, and a pink fleece sock on one hand.



Husband got ready to leave for work today, taking the iPad with him, causing a great melting down:

The Kid (crying): I will miss daddy so much! Daddy, please don't go!
Husband: Well, would it be better if I left the iPad?
The Kid (stops crying): Yeah, that would be better.


The Kid made a new friend today at the gym and when it was time for us to go home, he decided he didn't want her to leave. The Kid explained to him that we had to go and then this:

The Kid: Well, ok, then, man, we'll just take you with us. Mama, we're going to take this little dude home.
Me: Don't you think his mother would miss him?
The Kid: Probably not. C'mon, mama! He's my best friend!
Me: Whats' his name?
The Kid: How on earth am I supposed to know?



The Kid: Look, I drew another picture!
Me: Man, you're on fire!
The Kid: What does that mean?
Me: It means that you're awesome.
The Kid: "You're on fire!" means "awesome" in Spanish!


To her daddy, "Well, daddy, I'm sorry, you have a super big day at work tomorrow, so you can't go to Cow Appreciation Day with us because if you don't go to work, you can't buy me presents."


As we're walking out of the gym yesterday, "Mama, don't you want to go sit on the bench over there and share all your secrets?"


The Kid: Daddy, why do you have hair in your nose?
Husband: To keep bad stuff out.
The Kid: Well, it looks like a spider web to me.



Me: Alright, dude, you wanna watch Wreck It Ralph or The Little Mermaid?
The Kid: I want to watch Wreck It Ralph, of course. The Little Mermaid doesn't even wreck anything.


Yesterday was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-Fil-A. The Kid wanted to enter the costume contest and ended up finishing third in her category (The Tater fell asleep right before the judging) and won 10 free meals. When I gave her the cards she said, "What is this? This is ridiculous!"


This morning at 4:30am:

The Kid: Mama, Tater's awake.
Me: I know.
The Kid: I think he's starving to death.
Me: No he's not. I just fed him.
The Kid: Oh. Well as long as we're all awake, we might as well have a little chat.


Had to run back into the gym this morning to return a hijacked towel and told The Kid to stay in the car for the five seconds it took and this, "Well, mama, that's fine, but I certainly hope The Hulk won't get us while you're gone."


Husband has been on a House watching binge. The Kid likes to watch with him and during every episode asks, "Ok, when are they going to do the cutting part?" Perhaps she'll be a surgeon.


The Kid got her birthday card from her grandmother today. It had money AND a balloon included. The money was dumped on the floor in favor of the balloon. Then, when I told her that grandma had sent some money to take her somewhere she wanted to go (thinknig she'd name the water park or Chuck E. Cheese, she said, "Oh, I'd love to go to the Dollar Store!"


The Kid: Today is a perfect day for a nice, refreshing swim. But I'd better do it naked so I don't get my underwear wet.
Me: Well, I'll help you put your swimming suit on.
The Kid: No, thanks. Swimming naked is better.


Me: Dude, corn chips are not a meal. You have to eat a meal.
The Kid: But mama! They have corn in them! Corn is good for my bum!



The Kid is watching a cartoon that has a pirate in it who owns a cell phone.

Me: I didn't know pirates have cell phones.
The Kid: Well,usually they don't. But Red Beard needs one to contact his darling while he's on his ship.


There were some squealing girls at the house next to where we were swimming today:

The Kid: I think those girls sound like Maleficent's bird. Don't you think so?



Me: What should we have for dinner tonight?
The Kid: Tacos! But I don't want any lettuce or tomatoes.
Me: That doesn't sound like a very good taco at all.
The Kid: It is a berry good taco. It's called a one-sided taco.


The Kid: I'm going to need a blanket to make me much more con-ster-ble.
Me: No, dude, it'll just be in the way.
The Kid: Oh. Ok. I'll just wrap myself up in daddy's undies then.



"Mama, I really want to do the splits, but I'm afraid if I go down too far, I'll pee just a little."

Well. Don't we all?


At bubble day and they were trying to explain light refraction to The Kid:

Me: Ok, so what does refraction mean?
The Kid: It means "sequin" in Spanish!



Husband is trying his best to teach The Kid southern manners (totally foreign for this Nevada girl):

The Kid: Why do I have to say "yes, man" to you if you're a girl?
Me: Not "yes, man", it's "yes, MA'AM".
The Kid: Well, that just doesn't make sense.


The Kid: MAMA! I have ascertained that I'm four-years-old today!
Me: You ascertained that, huh?
The Kid: Yes. And my tummy has ascertained that I should stroll into the kitched and have a cupcake for breakfast.



The Kid: Anna and kristoff are getting married today. They're going to have a party later on. I really hope it's funky fresh.


The Kid insisted on playing with The Tater alone in her room. Then, 10 minutes later, I see her sneaking down the stairs:

Me: Where are you going?
The Kid: Downstairs.
Me: What about Tater?
The Kid: Well, I just tied him up and now I'm leaving.



The Kid is getting more and more interested in carting The Tater around:

"Oh, Tater is crying! I believe he could use the benefit of my muscles."


The Kid: Mama, I'm so glad your curly hair is back! Your straight hair was kind of crusty but your curly hair is fabulous, especially with your party nails!


The Kid: I've decided, mama. I'm just not going to kiss cows. They slobber.
Me: Ok. But what about kissing a boyfriend. Daddy's my boyfriend and I kiss him all the time.
The Kid: No, I'm not going to kiss a boyfriend either because I don't want to get a baby in my belly. Babies slobber, too.


The Kid: I need a snack. How about cheese toast with the brown stuff on the top and bottom cut into four triangles?
Me: I'm not making grilled cheese, dude. But, I'll give you some cheese.
The Kid: In that case you'd better give me five units of cheese.