Friday, April 21, 2017

On Facebook - March 2017

The very best thing about driving around in a Jeep with no doors? The ability to stop and talk to every, single dog I see along the side of the road. For behold, there are many. #ITalkToDogs #AlsoToCows #AndCats#ButNotToPeople

The Kid appears in my room crying after I've put her to bed and says, "Mama, I forgot to tell you, we have to pay off the lunch lady! She gave me free money today, but I'm scared she's going to take it out of my hide!" #GettingCrunkInTheLunchRoom #AwItFeelsGoodToBeAGangster#FearTheLunchLady

Had a dream last night that I showed up to the gym and ALL of the equipment was dismantled. When I asked what happened, George Wellstold me that because I'd missed a day, I had to earn back the right to have assembled equipment by doing 100 squats in a row at 300 pounds. #WayHarshGeorge #ToughANDUnfair #IWillNeverMissAgain#ItWasntJustADream #100SquatsIsClearlyANightmare

It never ceases to amaze me how Husband can fall asleep amidst chaos and STAY asleep as it reigns supreme around him. #MyGoalIsToSleepLikeHim

I've just tried on swimming suits. Now I'm sweating profusely and I hate everyone. That is all. #SwimSuitSeasonSnuckUpOnMe#ForTheTwentiethConsecutiveYear

I, much like mothers all over Southeast Texas, had the night from hell last night. Between a stomach thing, the thunderstorm, the kids, and the cats, I'm pretty sure the longest I slept at one time was 37 seconds. At 2am, I might have muttered under my breath, "Having kids is so fun!", to which The Kid replied, "Are you kidding? It's really not." #SheHasHearingLikeABat#ShesNotWrong #AtLeastLastNightSheWasnt #ZombieWalking#IfIDrankCoffeeIdHaveAGallonOfItRightNow

That one time when someone tells you they're "not a talker" and then two hours later wherein you barely got a word in edgewise, you're all like, "I wonder what they think a talker is, then!" #ImSorryButYouAreATalker#YoureLyingToYourself #AndToMe#AndICanTakeYouToTaskBecauseIAmAlsoATalker

That one time when you're trying to purchase a BB gun for Husband for his birthday:
Walmart worker: How old is the kid you're buying for?
Me: He's turning 39.
Walmart worker: Three and nine?
Me: No. Thirty-nine.
#EverybodyLovesABBGun #YoullShootYourEyeOutKid#DaisyRedRiderAirRifle

The dance studio gave me The Kid's recital costume last night. Don't they know I'm not responsible enough to know where it is in two months? #IWillPutItInASuperSafePlace #AndThenForgetWhereIPutIt#BecauseThatsHowIRoll

"Mama, since I can tell you anything, I have some bad news. God didn't create the pinky swear at all, people did." #BadNewsIndeed#HowCanWeEverTrustAPinkySwearAgain

Liberated my sewing machine from the closet for the first time in more than three years. The good news: it only took me five years to remember how to thread a bobbin and only forty-seven years and two prolonged sessions with the seam ripper to fix the thing I was supposed to fix. #ImBasicallyAPro#DontBeJealousOfMyManyTalents

First day back to school since the time change. I open the door so The Kid can get on the bus and it's totally dark outside, "Mama, is there a new bus schedule or did you just mess up the time?"

Using my newly strung clothes line for the very first time today and this from The Kid's friend, "My mom usually just puts wet clothes in the dryer. Because she's normal."

The Kid has a friend over and since the pool is still too cold, they settled for swimming suits in the bathtub:
Friend: I kind of have to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to get out.
The Kid: Just pee in here. I do it all the time. In fact, I'm doing it right now.
#KidsAreGross #ShesNeverTakingAnotherBathWithMeAgain

Just saw a truck with police lights on top and stenciled on the side, "Zombie Apocalypse Rescue Unit". #TheTexansAreReady #WeHaveARescueUnit#Legit

When a high school boy at the gym is trying to mimic all your best dance moves. Son, please. #SitBackAndLetMeShowYouHowItsDone#AintNobodyGotNothinOnThis #OldEnoughToBeHisMother

Husband recorded Seven Brides for Seven Brothers for me yesterday. Best quote, "I'm here today to get me a wife, don't mean to go home empty handed. Now you're all pretty and fresh and young and I'll keep you in mind, but I ain't deciding on nothing till I look 'em all over." #HowBoutMarryingMe#OhIKnowItsKindaShortNotice

You know, you really should be allowed to drink when it's time to go through all of the baby stuff to prepare to give it away. You should be allowed to drink a loooooooooot. #MamaWhyAreYouCrying#IsThereSomethingScaryInThatBox

In order to help us prepare for Cinco de Mayo, Husband has downloaded an album entitled, "Mexican Mariachi Party". And boy, is it ever. #WheresTheParty #ItsRightHereInMyKitchen #TurnItUp#CelebratingOurMexicanHeritage#ExceptWeDontActuallyHaveAMexicanHeritage

As a one car family, we now get the excitement of dropping daddy to his 7:45am meeting Sunday mornings and this morning, this from The Kid, "Mama, what is up with all of these early morning meetings?! It's getting ridiculous." #FourteenthArticleOfFaith #WeBelieveInMeetings

When your home teacher shows up at your door with pork-a-bobs from the local festival booth because you had no cash to buy one yourself. #HomeTeachingForTheWin #HeWasInspiredByTheSpirit#AndAlsoByMeWhining #PeopleTakingCareOfPeople#WhomTheLordCallsHeQualifies

Two things: 1. If I could have any super power, it would be the ability to have perfectly ripe avocados on my counter at all times. 2. I blame all of you, Facebook friends, for never telling me how delicious feta cheese is. As such, I've missed out on thirty-eight years of it.

Spring Break has commenced. I've already heard, "I'm BORED" seven times (she now owes me a quarter every time she says it), the cats have been running for their lives since well before dawn, and The Tater is literally screaming at the top of his lungs any time he feels inconvenienced by having his sister home, doing things he normally has exclusive rights to. I doubt we could be having any more fun.

I arrived at The Kid's school this morning for Cowboy Day and The Kid greeted me in tears:
The Kid: Mama! I failed my Texas history test and I'm afraid I'm going to be kicked out of Texas!
Me: Baby, that's not going to happen.
The Kid: But mama! The Texans are serious about their history!
#TheTexansReallyMightKickUsOut #TheNevadansWouldWelcomeUs#DidYouKnowNevadaUsedToBePartOfTexas

An overheard conversation between my kids (wherein The Kid talks and The Tater listens), "Tater, neither one of us are ever going to be able to go to college because you still poop your pants and I can't even open a jar of pickles." #YouHaveToCheckThoseBoxesOnYourApplication#ISeeSheCantOpenPickles #WeAreSorryToInformYou#YouveNotBeenAccepted

Some friends from church have generously (so, so generously) allowed me to borrow their old Jeep for the week. Let me tell you, after two months of having no car, being able to go where I want, when I want is indeed a heady experience. On top of that, it rattles and smells just like an old ranch vehicle and that makes me feel right at home. #ToCelebrateIDroveToTheGym#AndTheLibrary #IfIFeelCrazyIMightHeadToSonic #Freedom#TopSpeed50MPH #WhichIsStill42MPHFasterThanMyBike#ThankfulForGenerousPeople

Speaking to my mom on the phone:
Mom: What are you having for lunch?
Me: A warm spinach salad.
Mom: Oh, where'd you get that recipe?
Me: I thought it up in my head.
Mom: I didn't know you could just think things up in your head! Good for you!
#TurnsOutICan #IKnowItsAmazing #BetterCallOprah#TitleOfTheInterviewLadyJustThinksUpHerOwnLunch#ThanksForTheVoteOfConfidencMom

I'm 99% sure there's a little alarm that goes off in The Tater's head when I'm just out of the shower and not yet dressed. He chooses that exact time almost daily to make a run for it out the door toward the pool. #SorryNeighbors #IDoOwnClothes #ImNotAlwaysWearingJustATowel

The Tater just walked into the kitchen crying like his heart was broken:
Me: What's wrong, dude?
The Tater: Oh, dear, I have pooped my pants.
#ThingsTheyDontTellYouAboutMotherhood #YouTalkAboutPoop#AllTheFreakingTime

Nineteen years it's been. It's so funny how it still seems like yesterday. It's because we're getting older, you know. And from here on out we would have prattled on and on about how things were "back in our day". Thirty-seven. You'd be thirty-seven years old. Is that old enough to sit in rocking chairs on the front porch to gossip, judge people, and maybe swear a little while people look on and say, "Bless their hearts, they can't help it, they're old"? Probably not, but for some reason, I really feel like you and I could have either gotten away with it or not really cared what anyone else thought. Sometimes I still talk to you like you are sitting next to me.  #IMissYou#FamiliesAreForever #ThankTheLordHaircutsAreNotForever

At a birthday party for a girl from The Kid's class and as she's opening gifts, this:
Girl: I already have one of these!
The Kid: Well, you could do a giveaway, you know.

The neighbor's (not tame) pigs escaped this morning, leading in a wild chase, grabbing, tackling, tying, pulling, lifting, and lots and lots of squealing (mostly by the pigs). I did a lot of standing around and laughing. Because I'm sorry, I don't tackle pigs - the only thing that smells worse than pigs are mink. #GreasedPigs #PigsMightBeMoreStupidThanSheep#AndTheyreQuickLittleBuggers

Because The Judy is not on Facebook, this is a PSA in her honor: Today is the only day of the year that gives a command. March Forth. #YesIKnowItsSpelledDifferently #JudyAlsoKnowsItsSpelledDifferently

The Kid just fell off the tire swing and The Tater starts yelling from the porch, "Stop crying! Get up! Shake it off! You're not hurt!" #TeachingThemEmpathyFromAYoungAge  #YoureNotHurt #ForTheLove

The Kid on the phone with her friend:
Friend: Is your mom trying to lose weight?
The Kid: Nope. She competes at power lifting. She just lifts weight, she doesn't lose it.
#ILiftWeight #IDontLoseIt #OneCompetitionMakesMeAPowerLifter#AintNobodyGotTimeToLoseWeight

The Kid and her best friend from school have procured one another's telephone numbers and are currently on FaceTime discussing their plans for this weekend. Just like little adults. But like, little adults with an amazingly active social lives.

The Kid opens the back door and shouts in, "MAMA! TATER'S ON TOP OF THE CAR AND HE'S NAKED!"  #OhForTheLove#TheChildrenAreTryingToKillMe #AShadowingOfThingsToCome

Me: Dude, you smell. Did you poop your pants?
The Tater: Yes, I smell. I smell delicious.

That one time when you send Husband to pick up a prescription that you've been on for five years and they quote him a price that is more than your house payment. Turns out that due to recent legislation, our prescription plan is now linked to our medical deductible, which, thanks to rising insurance costs, is more expensive than putting a child through college. I've already checked all of the coupon sites, called my insurance, called the drug company, and checked for generics and alternatives, and, in medical terminology, it appears I'm screwed.

Today at school is Wacky Wednesday: where you're supposed to wear mismatched clothing. In other words, it's just another day in The Kid picking out her own clothes. #BabyThatDoesntMatch #NeitherDoesThat#AndWhyAreYourUndiesAlwaysOnBackward

After being woken up by my children at 1, 2:30, and 4, I had a dream that I started sleeping in my closet so they couldn't find me. When they woke me up for good at 5:30, I realized it was a revelation from God. #ImSettingUpACot #OhYouThinkILookTired #ItsBecauseIAmTired