Sunday, May 22, 2016

January on Facebook

Today: just the right temperature to leave the door open while sitting on the couch in sweats and a fleece blanket. One room de-junked and cleaned. Burgers and zummos on the grill. A full bag of Sonic ice. College football bowl games on the TV. Husband off of work. Left over caramel corn from the New Year's Eve party last night. I submit that this is the finest New Year's Day in history. ‪#‎amilliondollarsmightmakeitbetter‬ ‪#‎butonlybarely‬

As a mother, my least favorite phrase (which is ALWAYS screeched in firey indignation) is, "Hey! I had that first!" Makes me want to claw my eardrums out with a fork.

A man at the gym taps me on the shoulder and says, "Good for you for being here. I know it's hard for girls your size to make a resolution to lose weight, but you're doing great!" Um...a girl my size? How about I punch you in the throat and then we'll see how you feel about a girl my size.

That one time when your sister-in-law sends your son a card that plays Darth Vader's theme song and when you're nearly asleep, it falls off of your nightstand, begins to play, and makes you think you're under attack from the man who robbed the bank down the street. Not the most fun I've ever had.

A direct quote from CBS Evening News, "Exercise works best when you actually do it." Hard hitting journalism, that.

Nine years ago today, Husband nearly froze his little Texas booty off taking wedding pictures with yours truly. Here are nine things I appreciate about him on our anniversary: 1. He married me even though my father warned him I'm "excitable". 2. He still has the nicest hands (and triceps and legs) I've ever seen. 3. No matter the situation, he remains calm (see #1). 4. He makes the best food I've ever eaten in my entire life. 5. He married me because he "likes a lady he can grab a holt of". 6. When I've overdone it at the gym, he massages my poor, old legs. 7. He cleans up under the sink when the garbage disposal throws up. 8. He is positive. Always. 9. He always lets me put my hot feet on his cold legs.

There should be a rule: No kid should be allowed to cry or whine until everyone in the house is fully dressed.

The award for Awesomest Man at the Gym Today goes to the dude who was shouting positive self-affirmations in the mirror after completing five pull ups, "Awesome! That was AWESOME, DUDE! YOU DID IT!" I believe I will incorporate that tomorrow.

This morning The Tater brought me a bowl and said, "I need meat! I need candy!" If there was any doubt he is my child, this confirms it.

That one time when you're used to driving a barely functioning 1996 Geo Prism and you rent a 2015 Chrysler 300 for the day. ‪#‎imnotreturningit‬‪#‎sorryenterpriseitsminenow‬ ‪#‎smooth ride‬

That one time when you triple check to make sure you can walk your 5-year-old to her airplane and then when you get to the airport, it takes five United agents to determine that in fact, you cannot even approach security with her. Um....say what? ‪#‎unitedairlinesFAIL‬ ‪#‎wasalreadyanxious‬ ‪#‎nowimgoingtohurl‬

You know you're outstanding at your job when a patient proposes marriage before the treatment is even over. ‪#‎consummatewinner‬‪#‎massagetherapywinshearts‬ ‪#‎butsorry‬ ‪#‎imtaken‬ ‪#‎pleasedontcry‬

We're 24-hours without the presence of The Kid. Missing her big, but I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. PS I'm not going to lie, it was soooooooo nice to sleep through an ENTIRE NIGHT without her trying to sneak into our bed.

While sister is away, this is how this one rolls - reclining while shoveling Cadbury mini eggs in his mouth as fast as he can. He knows how to party.

Started a new year at church today and therefore, a brand new batch of 11-year-olds. As I was getting ready to start, some of them were watching a video on a tablet so I said, "Hey, turn that crap off."
One of the kids looked straight at me and with great dignity said, "Well, that's salty language."
Best. Church. Moment. Ever.

72-hours The Kid-less and finally got to talk to her - let me tell you, she had absolutely no use for sitting still long enough to say more than a few words. The good news: she's having the time of her life. The bad news: she may never want to come back home. Spoke to my brother for a bit and he said he's been trying to wear her out, but she's been going happily from 7am-11pm. When he suggested a nap she said, "I am not a baby. I don't take naps."

On days like today, where you feel like you did 900 massages, you count your blessings that you work with the best chiropractors in the entire world who are always willing to stay a little late to adjust everything from your hips to your wrists. Best. Job. Ever.

The Kid got off the boat in Cozumel where she was taken for a burrito at Pancho's Backyard. When she got there she said, "How can they not have chicken and fries?!" (My brother says since Saturday, he's pretty sure she's consumed five whole chickens worth of chicken and fries...all her wildest dreams are coming true).

Today's Challenge De Jour: calf extension max (which, let's be honest, was not nearly as cool in execution as it was when the idea was conceived). Machine max = 350. Erin max = 330. I might have felt awesome about it until I realized that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE cares about calf extensions. Congratulating yourself about it is akin to congratulating yourself for remembering to breathe. ‪#‎challengefail‬ ‪#‎breathingishard‬

The Kid will be back in three days. My sister-in-law said today that she's pretty sure the boat is going to have to stop to restock chickens despite the fact that The Kid had steak and a cinnamon roll for breakfast.

We pick this one up at the airport tomorrow - where she will be forced to come home and be disappointed in her daily life for at least the next ten years. It's so hard when you reach your peak at the age of five.

Me: Today we're going to pick up sister at the airport!
The Tater: Nooooooooo! Don't want it!

Putting The Kid to bed just now:
Me: Did you sugar Uncle Jared and Aunt Margaret good night while you were gone?
The Kid: No, that would be gross.
Me: Why? 
The Kid: Well, they have different spit.

Me: So, did you miss us while you were gone?
The Kid: I saw Captain Hook on the boat.
Me: So, you missed us?
The Kid: I don't think you understand how entertaining Captain Hook is, mama.

The first thing on The Kid's agenda upon returning home last night was to grab her tablet and head for her room explaining, "I need some privacy time. They never left me alone on that boat."

Just downloaded Whitney Houston's 1985 How Will I Know. Because it came on the overhead at work the other day and I totally lip-sync killed it. Like a boss. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), the patient I was working on was face down and missed the entire performance. The good news is that my next performance will probably take place on the treadmill at the gym - in front of God and everyone.

Life as we know it is over. The Tater has learned to escape from his crib (and it only took him five months longer than his sister to figure it).

The Kid, bless her heart, has been having a rough time since her return. Last night, while watching The Minion Movie, husband announced his intent to become evil, which set The Kid off on a crying jag accompanied by her shouting, "No! YOU CANT BE EVIL BECAUSE THEN I'LL HAVE TO BE EVIL, TOO!"

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to pick The Kid up from school a little early yesterday. When we got home she said, "I'm so glad you came to get me early. I don't really want to go to school anymore. When you get home, the day is almost over and then you can't do anything fun!"

The Kid: Mama, what's chaos?
Me: What do you think chaos is?
The Kid: Maybe like when Tater and I cry at the same time.

Almost everyday I wish I didn't live in the city, but especially days like today: It's again time for our neighbor's quarterly back-patio-party. This is where she and her friends gather, speak boorishly, and smoke pot. It. Is. Awesome.

My million dollar idea came to me last night in a dream: a dog training arena that also doubles as a bow staff dojo. Now if that's not inspired, I don't know what is. Ruth D. Ellis and Joanie Tidwell, you'll be happy to know you were featured as bow staff instructors

It is just not my day: my car is broken (yes,again). Didn't make it to the gym on time. IPod was dead. Played solitaire on the gym treadmill (I KNOW, who even knew they had solitaire on a treadmill?!) Solitaire and attempting to walk quickly made me dizzy and nauseated (hey, it's hard,ok). Walked home from the gym to find that the plaster man is here fixing the ceiling and he has the kitchen blocked off, so no post-workout snack for me. Also, no shower since the ripped out drywall is right next to the bathroom. ‪#‎winning‬‪#‎youcantcompliainonmonday‬ ‪#‎andyeticomplain‬ ‪#‎ismellbad‬

It only took The Tater four hours to warm up to the plaster man. He's been following him around for the last fifteen minutes saying, "Hello! How doing?!" followed by, "That's SO funny!" over and over and over. And he now has white paint all the way up his legs.

That one time when you get your speedometer fixed after three years of it being broken and you realize how many people you've probably caused road rage since, based on the sound of your car, you've been going roughly 10 miles below the speed limit the entire time.

The Kid, "Mama, thank you for buying these cookies. They look like something The Joker would use to trick someone into loving him."

Pet peeve #92: Weak, dead fish handshakes. If you're not going to shake my hand properly, keep your hands to yourself.

Today for the first time in three months, I hit the gym for a run. I've been suffering from a very serious mental condition medically diagnosed as "Running is Stupid" since October.

When you meet a crusty old geezer and you're sure you can charm your way into his good graces (after all, don't almost all old men love you?) and instead, he gives you the look of death and says, "Is that all?" Um. Yes. Yes, it is.

The Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: Spaghetti.
The Kid: But I don't want spaghetti because then I'll have to eat naked.

After having the first kid care less about what she wears (or whether she is clothed at all), I am at a loss with the second one being very particular about his fashion choices - there are tears and tantrums. And then there is whatever The Tater's doing, too.

The light saber The Kid brought home from her cruise has been a constant source of contention. Currently, she's racing around the house with it as The Tater follows as close as he is able screaming, "I NEED THE FORCE! I NEED THE FORCE!" And The Kid screams back, "You can't handle the force properly yet!"

Saturday, May 21, 2016

December on Facebook

Got talked into a mall trip yesterday so The Kid could spend a gift card. While we were there:
Me: Hey, while we're here, you want to cut your hair?
The Kid: Do I have to use my gift card to pay for it?
Me: No, I'll pay.
The Kid: In that case, let's cut it ALL off!

It has only recently come to my attention that The Tater calls The Kid "Danna". I don't understand much else of what he says, but it's safe to say he gives Danna the what-for several times every day.

The Kid received a couple of new board games for Christmas and I hate to say it, but she's a chip off the old block: she's a big, fat cheater. I guess that good news is that for one so young, she's quite accomplished at it and thus subscribes to her father's favorite philosophy, "If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough."

9am, almost exactly one hour after all of the Christmas presents were opened, this from The Kid, "Man, I can't wait to see what we get for Christmas next year! I'm starting out on the super duper nice list already!"

There is never a Christmas Eve I'm not homesick for the family Christmas Eve party at Grandma Beryl's. As far back as I can remember, she ALWAYS had shrimp cocktail (she used mini shrimps...and there was always a lot of it, so I might have been the only one eating it). One time I asked her why she always had it and she said, "Well, because I like to feel fancy at least once a year." So, here's to you, grandma! I'm being fancy for you! PS I also miss snow and cold. Christmas at 80 degrees is stupid

After spending the evening at the Brazilian's house:
The Kid: Mama, when you came from Japan, did you learn English on YouTube?
Me: No, dude, I'm American. I grew up in America. That's how I learned English. I only lived in Japan for a while.
The Kid: Oh. Because I was thinking you knew at least as many English words as daddy.

Headed to a friend's house who has recently moved from Brazil, so The Kid and I were trying to brush up on our Portuguese:
The Kid: I think I'll just teach them English instead.
Me: That's not kind. It's really hard to live in a country where you don't speak the language, baby.
The Kid: Was it hard for you when you moved to America from Japan?

The Kid: Dolly sure has a lot of kids.
Me: Yes, she's very lucky and blessed.
The Kid: No she's not. She probably has to do laundry all day and night.

Both kids are on a mother-induced scotch tape using moratorium (due to the fact that they used THREE FULL ROLLS in a single day). The elf may or may not have used a little last night to assist in some acrobatics, and The Kid is beyond displeased and is insisting on swift and harsh punishment.

If The Kid's head doesn't explode with Christmas excitement today, I'd say we stand a 72% chance of safely making it to Christmas morning without mishap.

Because I enjoy a little self-torture as much as the next girl, I took both kids to the mall this morning. I lost The Tater twice in quick succession and was about to make it a third when I heard him screaming bloody murder and rounded the corner to find that The Kid had tackled him and was positioned right on top of him whispering in his ear, "If you don't stop running away, I'm going to have to clothesline your face."

Thanks to mom not feeling well, the elf hasn't moved in two days. This morning, I find The Kid yelling at him, "Elf! The whole idea of hide and seek is for you to HIDE so I can SEEK. It's ridiculous when I always know where to find you."

The Kid: This is a picture of all the things I admire. Rainbows, grapes, flowers, necklaces, balls...oh, and you on Tuesdays.

The Kid: Don't tell daddy our secret. 
Me: I have to. He offered me candy.
The Kid: I warn you, daddy never pays up.

To celebrate BYU getting on the board, I made Grandma Beryl's caramel corn at the half. I believe it's what she'd want me to do. ‪#‎ineedbiggerpans‬‪#‎sendangelstothegamegrandma‬

Our house at 6:15am: The Kid has unearthed yet another stash of candy that I didn't know existed, extracted all of the best pieces, and left The Tater with the dregs, after which he runs after her screaming at the top of his voice, "I NEED CANDY! I NEED CANDY!" Good morning.

The Kid: Daddy asked me what I got him for Christmas and I told him it's none of his beeswax, but then he offered me candy, so I told him. I'd do anything for candy.

The Tater has touched the elf. THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END up in this house.

Dear Grandma,
Thank you for the Christmas cards to the kids. And thank you soooooo much for including an entire bottle of glitter inside each card that exploded all over the living room when they opened said cards. Additionally, thank you for including New Year's party noise makers. Because them blowing those while I'm cleaning up sticks-to-every-damn-thing glitter is extra, super festive.

That one time when FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE you start working on Christmas presents THREE MONTHS EARLY and then the night before it's time to give them out, you're madly trying to print labels for said gifts only to find that you've apparently purchased the ONLY LABEL IN THE WORLD that has no template available anywhere. And your computer guru can't figure it out either. ‪#‎merryfreakingchristmas‬ ‪#‎iplannedandistillfailed‬

Well, The Tater is officially trained. Every time I get dressed now and ask him how I look he says, "Oh, pretty mama! PRETTY!" And whenever he wants something he says, "Pretty mama, please?"

After the elf's harrowing freezing experience at the hands of Elsa, today he's relaxing in a hot tub with what The Kid has dubbed "his cute little girlfriend". And nearby? Elsa. Still handcuffed. Because "she needs to remember that she was wrong and she needs to see the elf can still be happy even though she was mean to him."

When you've been in the children's program at church for so long that you go to the ladies meeting and know literally less than half the people in the room.

That one time when the maintenance man doesn't finish working on your plumbing before the weekend and you get the privilege of keeping your two-year-old out of the crawl space beneath the bath tub compliments of the 2-foot hole he left in the wall. ‪#‎winning‬ ‪#‎lookforusonthenews‬

Attended Husband's work Christmas party at one of the nicest restaurants in town last night. Here were my thoughts: 1. Country (meaning me) had definitely come to town. 2. There were dandelion leaves in my salad. I mean, I knew that was a thing, but I'm sorry, dandelions are weeds. 3. A man I'd never met opted to sit next to me based on the fact that I teased him about wearing manly pink nail polish on his toes (after he revealed he slept with his socks on...I don't even know, so don't ask). At the end of the evening, we performed an at-table duet of Feliz Navidad. 4. There was no chocolate option on the dessert menu. If it's not chocolate, it's not dessert. 5. Cocktail hour might be fun if your drink didn't freeze your hand off while mingling. 6. I infinitely prefer those who get funny as they drink to those who sidle up to you and whisper loudly into your face, "I started a little early and I might be tipsy!", like they've just imparted the world's greatest secret. Bless it, lady, but everyone knows already.

You know, they really should make an adjustable toilet for the day after leg day. That's going to be my million dollar idea.

You know, it really is such a waste that neither Husband nor I married someone who is perpetually cold. Here next to him, I can literally feel the heat rolling off of his body. And all I can think is that maybe I should go turn down the air conditioning just so I can stand to stay by him.

After over five months of heavy weight training, I finally put on my big girl panties and broke the 300 (315 to be exact) pound squat barrier. I had to put on the Rocky IV soundtrack to get it done, but whatever. Do something that scares you today and tell me what it was!

I have just learned they will be remaking Dirty Dancing with Abigail Breslin as Baby. I'm sorry, but did no one see her dance moves in Little Miss Sunshine? Although, to be fair, I am a far more amazing dancer now than I was ten years ago (I mean REALLY), so maybe she will benefit from the same phenomenon. ‪#‎dancingfool‬  ‪#‎dontdancebythemirrors‬ ‪#‎themirrorslie‬

Nothing like going out to get the mail and being privy to a domestic disturbance across the way. Unfortunately, they were using so much slang and so many swear words, I'm not even sure what anyone was mad about. And for a cheeky eavesdropper like me, that's pure torture. The good news: no one had a gun. Or a knife.

Every year, as the leaves fall off the tree in our apartment's courtyard, I swear I'll buy a rake to rake them up with. And every year, I talk myself out of it because who buys a rake they're only going to use once a year? And every year, I'm out in the courtyard sweeping up leaves with a broom, looking like a fool.

Life really is better before the kids find out money makes the merry-go-round at the mall move. Life is also better when your car doesn't break down (yes, again) and you're not stuck at the mall (Sears) in the first place.

Life really is improved upon by owning a sports bra that fits.

A good marriage = being with a person who recognizes and appreciates all of the random movie quotes you inject into daily conversation.

Lessons in The Kid speak:
What she says: Tater, do you want to go upstairs and play?
What she means: Tater, do you want to come upstairs so I can tell you not to touch any of my stuff, tell you no seventy-six times, and make you scream bloody murder for thirty minutes?

When you find out someone who is really, really ridiculously good looking is also one of the nicest people on the planet. I mean, you can't have nice AND good looking, you must choose one. Obviously I've chosen good looking.

Since the putting up of the Christmas tree, there have been approximately nine million crying fits as The Tater has been divested of pilfered ornaments, which he continues to call, "my pretties".

When you wake up at 4am and can't go back to sleep because Shania Twain' s "I'm Gonna Get Ya Good" is on replay in your head. Even a dream about an axe murderer would be better.

Dear People,
If you've never had a massage before telling a massage therapist they can "go as hard as they can" is a very, VERY bad idea. Because we will. And you'll be sad.
Your Friend, 

Stopped at Target on the way home from picking The Kid up at school yesterday. She got out of the car and proceeded to drop her drink, spilling all of it. She starts crying saying over and over, "I just worked so hard to get that drink!" She cries so hard, she starts to cough. She coughs so hard, she pukes. She's so distraught over the puke, she walks right through it and tracks it all over the carpet. And I'm just standing there wishing there was a rewind button. Good grief.

The Kid - January and February 2016

De-junking the house this fine January 1st and after several trips running things up and down the stairs for me, The Kid didn't come back. I found her hiding in her closet. 
Me: Dude, you didn't come back and there's more work to do.
The Kid: How can there possibly be more work to do?!

The Kid: Mama, I asked Tater if he wanted to date a lemon!
Me: Do you even know what a date is?
The Kid: Of course I do. It's where you leave your kids home and go out and squeeze each other a lot. I thought Tater would like to squeeze a lemon.

The Kid: Fish don't eat people.
Me: Sharks do sometimes.
The Kid: Yeah, but I bet they only want to eat fat people so they can have a lot of food at one time. No shark would ever want to eat me. I'm waaaaaaay too small.

I've been trying to convince The Kid, a breakfast avoider, that she must eat breakfast if she is to concentrate at school. Yesterday she got into the car at pickup and admitted that she'd gotten her number on the board AGAIN (for talking too much.....imagine!), And said, "Mama, I tried really hard to be good, but I guess I just forgot to concentrate. I must have eaten the wrong breakfast."

The Kid is preparing to depart on a Disney cruise with her aunt and uncle:
The Kid: I can't wait to see all of the characters! Minnie, Mickey, Goofy, and probably Jesus!
Me: I don't think Jesus is going to be there.
The Kid: isn't Jesus Disney?
Me: No, dude, he's heaven.

The Kid: Mama, did you know Shirley Temple was a famous artist?
Me: No, she was an actress. Grandma Judy used to love her when she was little.
The Kid: Shirley Temple must be older than the hills.

The Kid: I can't be friends with Jordan at school anymore because she said boys stink and it hurt my feelings because I really like daddy.

The Kid took a digger on her scooter just now, " Man, I can see why they say you shouldn't do these tricks at home. That was seriously dangerous. Good thing my head is constructed of heavy bones."

To a PetSmart worker, "I adopted a fish once. It didn't go over so well."

The Kid has had a loose tooth for over a month:
Me: Hey, how's that tooth? Should we pull it out?
The Kid: No, I'm going to wait for Valentine's Day so the Tooth Fairy and the Valentine's Fairy can meet.

The Kid: I'm creating an execution potion.
Me: And you think tap water's going to do it?
The Kid: Well, mama, we have Beaumont water.

Husband and The Kid were having a discussion about the Valentine's Fairy:
Husband: But that's not fair.
The Kid: You know what mama says about fair, "Life is NEVER going to be fair."
Husband: Especially when dealing with mom?
The Kid: Uh-huh.

The Kid: Mama, shouldn't you put your lipstick on?
Me: I already did. Is it not pretty enough?
The Kid: Mama, we should always try to look our best.

Handed The Kid a paper towel to clean up a mess:
The Kid: Mama, is this Bounty?
Me: Yes, it is.
The Kid: Oh, good, because it has 100% absorbency.

The Kid talking to herself while doing homework, " Well that's not right! Shame on me!"

"Mama, last week, I was having a hard time understanding the difference between sacrifice and funeral, but don't worry, Scooby Doo cleared it right up for me. A sacrifice is when you cause someone to die and a funeral is when you go to see their soul go to heaven."

The Kid - November and December 2015

Me: Dude, I can see you. You can't sneak up on me.
The Kid: How can you see me? I was so careful!
Me: Because I have eyes on the back of my head.
The Kid: I'm going to need to check because sometimes you lie.
Me: Well, they're invisible.

Looking at homework:
Me: Dude, it looks like we need to work on lowercase g.
The Kid: No, I just decided I'm not going to write g's anymore.
Me: You can't just decide to not write one letter.
The Kid: Why not? There's no g in my name, my city, or my state, so I don't need to write it ever.
Good point.

The Kid: Someone ate my Halloween candy and I'm going to find the culprit.
Me: What are you going to do when you find them?
The Kid: Grab them by the balls! 
The Kid: One of daddy's shows.
Me: What do you think it means?!
The Kid: You know, take their balls away.

The Kid always tries to sneak things out of the kitchen by hiding them behind her back. Today it was a knife. Husband called her out on it and she said, "I don't have anything behind my back. I just like to hold my hands behind my back because it makes me look more girly."

Me: Hey, you want to help us cook?
The Kid: Of course! Anything for my mom and dad!
Me: You want to help me shred this chicken?
The Kid: Um, no.
Me: You want to help daddy with the vegetables?
The Kid: Um, no. I think I'll just be the taste tester.

Mama, did you know that if a mama bird doesn't sit on an egg, the baby inside will perish and it'll turn into that nasty yellow and clear stuff?

"Mama, today at school I learned a rhyme about Cinderella. I'm afraid her boyfriend is ugly because she went to kiss a fellow and instead kissed a snake. Does her boyfriend look like a snake, too? Because how can she mistake a snake for a boy?"

Me: Dude, you're being a little bossy.
The Kid: I'm sorry, mama. I'm just pretending to be you.

The Texas Children's Hospital had a radio-a-thon this last week and The Kid has become quite concerned about all of the "cancer kids", so she came home and started making a pile of toys to donate:
Me: Well, that's really thoughtful, dude, but almost all of these toys are Tate's.
The Kid: Mama, boys who have cancer need toys, too.

The Kid: Mama, why does Santa use the same wrapping paper we do?
Me: Because he shops at Target, too.
The Kid: I bet it's because they have popcorn there. Santa's a smart man.

The Kid: I'm feeling apprehensive about going on a cruise.
Me: Apprehensive, huh?
The Kid: Yes, mama. It means, "to be afraid".

The Kid tried using her brand new wand to get The Tater to stop crying and when it didn't work, "The damn thing doesn't work! I got ripped off!"

The Kid: Can we have fireworks for New Year's? 
Me: No, you can't have fireworks in city limits.
The Kid: Well, when I'm mayor, all that nonsense is going to stop.

"You know how you named me? Well, I'd like you to call me Carolyn Moonpie from now on. And I'd like to be to be referred to as Queen of Lexington Street on the side."

Asked The Kid to keep her eye on the popcorn popper as it has a tendency to travel as it pops, scattering the popcorn all over the kitchen and as it starts to pop, she covers her ears and starts screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH, MY WORD, I CAN'T STAND IT, IT'S TOO EXTREME!"