Saturday, June 25, 2016

February on Facebook

Last week was a big one at The Peters Household: new church responsibilities, church ward split, back to the search for childcare, cutting hours at my job, and a new job for Husband. And, it has chosen to manifest itself upon my the form of a blister on my chin. Um. WHAT?!

Me: If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?
The Kid: You.
Me: Not Jesus? Or Santa Claus?
The Kid: No, mama, I love you.
Day. Made.

4 am:
The Kid: Mama, you gotta get up! We've got a big race to get to.
Me: Dude. It's 4 o'clock. You understand we're not actually in the race, right? We're just handing out water.
Me: Yes, but I see you have not yet prepared the water.

When your single neighbor tells you what his plans are for Friday night and you think, "Yes, my plans are much like yours except instead of going out drinking and dancing with my friends, I'm going to put a couple of corn dogs in the microwave for the kids and hopefully be in bed by nine."

Dream #1: Win the lottery, buy a chalet in Zermatt, Switzerland, and spend the rest of my life drinking hot chocolate and skiing the Alps. Dream #2: Sleep through an entire night without one or the other of my children clawing (literally. You can hear their fingernails on the sheets) their way into my bed in the middle of the night. Probability of either dream coming true: 972 gazillion to one:

When the two-year-old is walking around the house singing Mellow Yellow. Thank you, Minion Movie.

When you go to the gym and your main objective is just to not hurt yourself again. The good news: slow elliptical work gives me plenty of time to work on my lip sync performance of Payphone by Maroon Five. If there was a lip sync version of The Voice, Adam Levine would have chosen me based on that what I did today (and if that wouldn't do it, my rendition of You Don't Know You're Beautiful by One Direction would certainly get me the nod). ‪#‎callmeadam‬‪#‎treadmillperformer‬ ‪#‎peopleattthegymloveme‬ ‪#‎notweirdatall‬

Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks has long been a favorite song of mine. The only beef I have with it is that I believe God answers all prayers, sometimes the answer is just no. Or not right now. But I guess Prayers Where the Answer Was No just doesn't have the same ring to it. PS Today, I am grateful for at least three prayers where the answer was no. Of course, I had to wait ten years to see it, but now, it's magic!

It's raining this morning and this from The Kid, " Mama, aren't we lucky that God sent a car wash to us? Too bad he forgot the giant conveyor belt, because that would be better. I'm gonna have to talk with him about that."

Upon returning home from school, The Kid threw a massive fit (there was weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth) because I declined to take her to the mall to purchase a new toy. She then proceeded to play with a box for the next two hours.

When things look bleak, you call your mother. And naturally, she will tell stories that will remind you that your life could suck so much worse. In our family, that's what we refer to as a "pep talk".

The Kid is watching Scooby Doo and the villain on this particular episode is The Gluten Demon. Terrorizing all those with digestive disorders. And apparently vegans on the side.

We may or may not have taken a kid to church today who was not wearing shoes.  ‪#‎whitetrash‬  ‪#‎justcallustheclampetts‬ ‪#‎atleasthewasdressed‬

The Kid: I put on Chapstick, lip gloss and lipstick!
Me: Baby, more isn't always better, sometimes it's just more.
The Kid: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Dear My Children,
I love you so much. Lord knows I do. But if you break one more electronic device in this house, I'm going to have to sell you to the gypsies.
Your Loving Mother
PS Please, The Kid, stop brushing your brother's hair with the toilet brush.

Me: What'd you learn about at school today?
The Kid: The third president of the United States of Ameica.
Me: And who's that?
The Kid: Thomas Jefferson. And I saw his picture and he's not at all sassy.

When your kid is finally strong enough to open the Chick Fil A play place door by himself so you don't have to keep getting up and down to do it for him and you can FINALLY enjoy your delicious chicken sandwich while it's hot.

3 am: Wake up in the throes of a panic attack
5 am: Calm down enough to attempt sleep
5:15 am: The Spawn of Satan climbs into my bed and commences his Reign of Terror in the form of Elbows to the Sternum and Carotid and The Pinching of Arm Fat
6:05 am: SOS returns to his own room where he apparently finds it necessary to jump on his sister's head
6:07 am: SOS thunders back into my room shouting, "I NEED SOCKS!"
6:15 am: I climb out of bed to prepare myself for a day of work where I will listen to other people tell me how stressed and tired they are
Good grief, but when did sleeping get to be so hard?

The Kid had her heart set on buying a rotisserie chicken at Sam's, but when we got here, they were all gone. On the way out, we spotted a lady who had eight of them in her cart. The Kid pointed and shouted, "There's the chickens! That selfish lady took them all!"

That one time when you look up and realize that you've been working on just keeping your head above water for so long that you no longer have close friends or a single hobby to speak of. The crochet hook is making an appearance today. And my best friends, Chip and Joanna, will be on the TV.

Who has two thumbs and has just ordered themselves up a Bosch mixer?! THIS GIRL! Get ready for delicious bread, jams and jellies. Except not the jams and jellies.

For once in my life, I wish my dreams and my bank account would agree on something.

Me: You are my favorite girl ever and I think you're the prettiest girl on the planet.
The Kid: Even prettier than your sisters?!
Me: Yes.
The Kid: Man, that's pretty. Because Nancy is really, really pretty.

After The Kid's tattoo incident:
Husband: I can't take you anywhere with those tattoos all over you. People will think you're a hooligan.
The Kid: Well, people can think what they think and I'll think what I think.
Me: And what do you think?
The Kid: I think I look FABULOUS.

The Kid found and used all of the remaining minion tattoos from our Valentine box. She came running into my room and yelled, "Look, mama, I have the Minion Pox!" If it was anything besides minions, she'd look like a mini-felon. As it is, she looks like a cartoon board.

The Kid got out of school early today so I took her to lunch and on the way home, "Man, mama, we should have headed home before this heat wave hit. I am sweltering." 
PS It is currently 79 degrees.

A week of limping around like an old lady is not the most fun I've ever had. The good news: my doctor hooked me up with a Tommy Copper back wrap, so I'm sure I'll be 100% by this evening. Because Brett Farve endorses Tommy Copper and he'd never lie to me.

You know you're in trouble when you hurt your back just sitting down on the floor (damn kids!) I mean, I feel just long as I don't move. Now all I need is a recliner and back-to-back reruns of Wheel of Fortune on TV and my transition to old lady-hood will be complete.

I would just like to thank the man at the grocery store who walked by me as I was belting out Livin' on a Prayer and said, "Hey girl, make it your own!" You know it, sir!

When you wake up to find that one of your precious children (not naming names or anything, but TATER) managed to leave an unwrapped Hershey's kiss in your bed overnight and you managed to sleep right on top of it. And, in the dark, melted chocolate kind of looks like blood. ‪#‎thoughtiwasdying‬‪#‎stickymess‬ ‪#‎droppinghimoffatthefirestation‬ ‪#‎orgivinghimtothegypsies‬

Today is National Nutella Day and many people, knowing my love for Nutella, have asked me what I will be making. Making?! I intend to eat Nutella straight out of the jar on a spoon just the way God intended. Fools.

That one time when you're flopping around on the floor looking suspiciously like a beached whale in core class and you get a Facebook notification that your 20th high school reunion is right around the corner (which, you feel is an egregious typo because only old people have 20th high school reunions and you, not being old, are obviously not eligible), so you suck it up and try to do at least three more crunches. Because that'll make a difference.

Now whenever we walk into the gym, The Tater starts yelling, "Gotta dance! Need Fireball!" Because one Pitbull fan in our family is apparently not enough.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

January on Facebook

Today: just the right temperature to leave the door open while sitting on the couch in sweats and a fleece blanket. One room de-junked and cleaned. Burgers and zummos on the grill. A full bag of Sonic ice. College football bowl games on the TV. Husband off of work. Left over caramel corn from the New Year's Eve party last night. I submit that this is the finest New Year's Day in history. ‪#‎amilliondollarsmightmakeitbetter‬ ‪#‎butonlybarely‬

As a mother, my least favorite phrase (which is ALWAYS screeched in firey indignation) is, "Hey! I had that first!" Makes me want to claw my eardrums out with a fork.

A man at the gym taps me on the shoulder and says, "Good for you for being here. I know it's hard for girls your size to make a resolution to lose weight, but you're doing great!" Um...a girl my size? How about I punch you in the throat and then we'll see how you feel about a girl my size.

That one time when your sister-in-law sends your son a card that plays Darth Vader's theme song and when you're nearly asleep, it falls off of your nightstand, begins to play, and makes you think you're under attack from the man who robbed the bank down the street. Not the most fun I've ever had.

A direct quote from CBS Evening News, "Exercise works best when you actually do it." Hard hitting journalism, that.

Nine years ago today, Husband nearly froze his little Texas booty off taking wedding pictures with yours truly. Here are nine things I appreciate about him on our anniversary: 1. He married me even though my father warned him I'm "excitable". 2. He still has the nicest hands (and triceps and legs) I've ever seen. 3. No matter the situation, he remains calm (see #1). 4. He makes the best food I've ever eaten in my entire life. 5. He married me because he "likes a lady he can grab a holt of". 6. When I've overdone it at the gym, he massages my poor, old legs. 7. He cleans up under the sink when the garbage disposal throws up. 8. He is positive. Always. 9. He always lets me put my hot feet on his cold legs.

There should be a rule: No kid should be allowed to cry or whine until everyone in the house is fully dressed.

The award for Awesomest Man at the Gym Today goes to the dude who was shouting positive self-affirmations in the mirror after completing five pull ups, "Awesome! That was AWESOME, DUDE! YOU DID IT!" I believe I will incorporate that tomorrow.

This morning The Tater brought me a bowl and said, "I need meat! I need candy!" If there was any doubt he is my child, this confirms it.

That one time when you're used to driving a barely functioning 1996 Geo Prism and you rent a 2015 Chrysler 300 for the day. ‪#‎imnotreturningit‬‪#‎sorryenterpriseitsminenow‬ ‪#‎smooth ride‬

That one time when you triple check to make sure you can walk your 5-year-old to her airplane and then when you get to the airport, it takes five United agents to determine that in fact, you cannot even approach security with her. Um....say what? ‪#‎unitedairlinesFAIL‬ ‪#‎wasalreadyanxious‬ ‪#‎nowimgoingtohurl‬

You know you're outstanding at your job when a patient proposes marriage before the treatment is even over. ‪#‎consummatewinner‬‪#‎massagetherapywinshearts‬ ‪#‎butsorry‬ ‪#‎imtaken‬ ‪#‎pleasedontcry‬

We're 24-hours without the presence of The Kid. Missing her big, but I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. PS I'm not going to lie, it was soooooooo nice to sleep through an ENTIRE NIGHT without her trying to sneak into our bed.

While sister is away, this is how this one rolls - reclining while shoveling Cadbury mini eggs in his mouth as fast as he can. He knows how to party.

Started a new year at church today and therefore, a brand new batch of 11-year-olds. As I was getting ready to start, some of them were watching a video on a tablet so I said, "Hey, turn that crap off."
One of the kids looked straight at me and with great dignity said, "Well, that's salty language."
Best. Church. Moment. Ever.

72-hours The Kid-less and finally got to talk to her - let me tell you, she had absolutely no use for sitting still long enough to say more than a few words. The good news: she's having the time of her life. The bad news: she may never want to come back home. Spoke to my brother for a bit and he said he's been trying to wear her out, but she's been going happily from 7am-11pm. When he suggested a nap she said, "I am not a baby. I don't take naps."

On days like today, where you feel like you did 900 massages, you count your blessings that you work with the best chiropractors in the entire world who are always willing to stay a little late to adjust everything from your hips to your wrists. Best. Job. Ever.

The Kid got off the boat in Cozumel where she was taken for a burrito at Pancho's Backyard. When she got there she said, "How can they not have chicken and fries?!" (My brother says since Saturday, he's pretty sure she's consumed five whole chickens worth of chicken and fries...all her wildest dreams are coming true).

Today's Challenge De Jour: calf extension max (which, let's be honest, was not nearly as cool in execution as it was when the idea was conceived). Machine max = 350. Erin max = 330. I might have felt awesome about it until I realized that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE cares about calf extensions. Congratulating yourself about it is akin to congratulating yourself for remembering to breathe. ‪#‎challengefail‬ ‪#‎breathingishard‬

The Kid will be back in three days. My sister-in-law said today that she's pretty sure the boat is going to have to stop to restock chickens despite the fact that The Kid had steak and a cinnamon roll for breakfast.

We pick this one up at the airport tomorrow - where she will be forced to come home and be disappointed in her daily life for at least the next ten years. It's so hard when you reach your peak at the age of five.

Me: Today we're going to pick up sister at the airport!
The Tater: Nooooooooo! Don't want it!

Putting The Kid to bed just now:
Me: Did you sugar Uncle Jared and Aunt Margaret good night while you were gone?
The Kid: No, that would be gross.
Me: Why? 
The Kid: Well, they have different spit.

Me: So, did you miss us while you were gone?
The Kid: I saw Captain Hook on the boat.
Me: So, you missed us?
The Kid: I don't think you understand how entertaining Captain Hook is, mama.

The first thing on The Kid's agenda upon returning home last night was to grab her tablet and head for her room explaining, "I need some privacy time. They never left me alone on that boat."

Just downloaded Whitney Houston's 1985 How Will I Know. Because it came on the overhead at work the other day and I totally lip-sync killed it. Like a boss. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), the patient I was working on was face down and missed the entire performance. The good news is that my next performance will probably take place on the treadmill at the gym - in front of God and everyone.

Life as we know it is over. The Tater has learned to escape from his crib (and it only took him five months longer than his sister to figure it).

The Kid, bless her heart, has been having a rough time since her return. Last night, while watching The Minion Movie, husband announced his intent to become evil, which set The Kid off on a crying jag accompanied by her shouting, "No! YOU CANT BE EVIL BECAUSE THEN I'LL HAVE TO BE EVIL, TOO!"

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to pick The Kid up from school a little early yesterday. When we got home she said, "I'm so glad you came to get me early. I don't really want to go to school anymore. When you get home, the day is almost over and then you can't do anything fun!"

The Kid: Mama, what's chaos?
Me: What do you think chaos is?
The Kid: Maybe like when Tater and I cry at the same time.

Almost everyday I wish I didn't live in the city, but especially days like today: It's again time for our neighbor's quarterly back-patio-party. This is where she and her friends gather, speak boorishly, and smoke pot. It. Is. Awesome.

My million dollar idea came to me last night in a dream: a dog training arena that also doubles as a bow staff dojo. Now if that's not inspired, I don't know what is. Ruth D. Ellis and Joanie Tidwell, you'll be happy to know you were featured as bow staff instructors

It is just not my day: my car is broken (yes,again). Didn't make it to the gym on time. IPod was dead. Played solitaire on the gym treadmill (I KNOW, who even knew they had solitaire on a treadmill?!) Solitaire and attempting to walk quickly made me dizzy and nauseated (hey, it's hard,ok). Walked home from the gym to find that the plaster man is here fixing the ceiling and he has the kitchen blocked off, so no post-workout snack for me. Also, no shower since the ripped out drywall is right next to the bathroom. ‪#‎winning‬‪#‎youcantcompliainonmonday‬ ‪#‎andyeticomplain‬ ‪#‎ismellbad‬

It only took The Tater four hours to warm up to the plaster man. He's been following him around for the last fifteen minutes saying, "Hello! How doing?!" followed by, "That's SO funny!" over and over and over. And he now has white paint all the way up his legs.

That one time when you get your speedometer fixed after three years of it being broken and you realize how many people you've probably caused road rage since, based on the sound of your car, you've been going roughly 10 miles below the speed limit the entire time.

The Kid, "Mama, thank you for buying these cookies. They look like something The Joker would use to trick someone into loving him."

Pet peeve #92: Weak, dead fish handshakes. If you're not going to shake my hand properly, keep your hands to yourself.

Today for the first time in three months, I hit the gym for a run. I've been suffering from a very serious mental condition medically diagnosed as "Running is Stupid" since October.

When you meet a crusty old geezer and you're sure you can charm your way into his good graces (after all, don't almost all old men love you?) and instead, he gives you the look of death and says, "Is that all?" Um. Yes. Yes, it is.

The Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: Spaghetti.
The Kid: But I don't want spaghetti because then I'll have to eat naked.

After having the first kid care less about what she wears (or whether she is clothed at all), I am at a loss with the second one being very particular about his fashion choices - there are tears and tantrums. And then there is whatever The Tater's doing, too.

The light saber The Kid brought home from her cruise has been a constant source of contention. Currently, she's racing around the house with it as The Tater follows as close as he is able screaming, "I NEED THE FORCE! I NEED THE FORCE!" And The Kid screams back, "You can't handle the force properly yet!"

Saturday, May 21, 2016

December on Facebook

Got talked into a mall trip yesterday so The Kid could spend a gift card. While we were there:
Me: Hey, while we're here, you want to cut your hair?
The Kid: Do I have to use my gift card to pay for it?
Me: No, I'll pay.
The Kid: In that case, let's cut it ALL off!

It has only recently come to my attention that The Tater calls The Kid "Danna". I don't understand much else of what he says, but it's safe to say he gives Danna the what-for several times every day.

The Kid received a couple of new board games for Christmas and I hate to say it, but she's a chip off the old block: she's a big, fat cheater. I guess that good news is that for one so young, she's quite accomplished at it and thus subscribes to her father's favorite philosophy, "If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough."

9am, almost exactly one hour after all of the Christmas presents were opened, this from The Kid, "Man, I can't wait to see what we get for Christmas next year! I'm starting out on the super duper nice list already!"

There is never a Christmas Eve I'm not homesick for the family Christmas Eve party at Grandma Beryl's. As far back as I can remember, she ALWAYS had shrimp cocktail (she used mini shrimps...and there was always a lot of it, so I might have been the only one eating it). One time I asked her why she always had it and she said, "Well, because I like to feel fancy at least once a year." So, here's to you, grandma! I'm being fancy for you! PS I also miss snow and cold. Christmas at 80 degrees is stupid

After spending the evening at the Brazilian's house:
The Kid: Mama, when you came from Japan, did you learn English on YouTube?
Me: No, dude, I'm American. I grew up in America. That's how I learned English. I only lived in Japan for a while.
The Kid: Oh. Because I was thinking you knew at least as many English words as daddy.

Headed to a friend's house who has recently moved from Brazil, so The Kid and I were trying to brush up on our Portuguese:
The Kid: I think I'll just teach them English instead.
Me: That's not kind. It's really hard to live in a country where you don't speak the language, baby.
The Kid: Was it hard for you when you moved to America from Japan?

The Kid: Dolly sure has a lot of kids.
Me: Yes, she's very lucky and blessed.
The Kid: No she's not. She probably has to do laundry all day and night.

Both kids are on a mother-induced scotch tape using moratorium (due to the fact that they used THREE FULL ROLLS in a single day). The elf may or may not have used a little last night to assist in some acrobatics, and The Kid is beyond displeased and is insisting on swift and harsh punishment.

If The Kid's head doesn't explode with Christmas excitement today, I'd say we stand a 72% chance of safely making it to Christmas morning without mishap.

Because I enjoy a little self-torture as much as the next girl, I took both kids to the mall this morning. I lost The Tater twice in quick succession and was about to make it a third when I heard him screaming bloody murder and rounded the corner to find that The Kid had tackled him and was positioned right on top of him whispering in his ear, "If you don't stop running away, I'm going to have to clothesline your face."

Thanks to mom not feeling well, the elf hasn't moved in two days. This morning, I find The Kid yelling at him, "Elf! The whole idea of hide and seek is for you to HIDE so I can SEEK. It's ridiculous when I always know where to find you."

The Kid: This is a picture of all the things I admire. Rainbows, grapes, flowers, necklaces, balls...oh, and you on Tuesdays.

The Kid: Don't tell daddy our secret. 
Me: I have to. He offered me candy.
The Kid: I warn you, daddy never pays up.

To celebrate BYU getting on the board, I made Grandma Beryl's caramel corn at the half. I believe it's what she'd want me to do. ‪#‎ineedbiggerpans‬‪#‎sendangelstothegamegrandma‬

Our house at 6:15am: The Kid has unearthed yet another stash of candy that I didn't know existed, extracted all of the best pieces, and left The Tater with the dregs, after which he runs after her screaming at the top of his voice, "I NEED CANDY! I NEED CANDY!" Good morning.

The Kid: Daddy asked me what I got him for Christmas and I told him it's none of his beeswax, but then he offered me candy, so I told him. I'd do anything for candy.

The Tater has touched the elf. THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END up in this house.

Dear Grandma,
Thank you for the Christmas cards to the kids. And thank you soooooo much for including an entire bottle of glitter inside each card that exploded all over the living room when they opened said cards. Additionally, thank you for including New Year's party noise makers. Because them blowing those while I'm cleaning up sticks-to-every-damn-thing glitter is extra, super festive.

That one time when FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE you start working on Christmas presents THREE MONTHS EARLY and then the night before it's time to give them out, you're madly trying to print labels for said gifts only to find that you've apparently purchased the ONLY LABEL IN THE WORLD that has no template available anywhere. And your computer guru can't figure it out either. ‪#‎merryfreakingchristmas‬ ‪#‎iplannedandistillfailed‬

Well, The Tater is officially trained. Every time I get dressed now and ask him how I look he says, "Oh, pretty mama! PRETTY!" And whenever he wants something he says, "Pretty mama, please?"

After the elf's harrowing freezing experience at the hands of Elsa, today he's relaxing in a hot tub with what The Kid has dubbed "his cute little girlfriend". And nearby? Elsa. Still handcuffed. Because "she needs to remember that she was wrong and she needs to see the elf can still be happy even though she was mean to him."

When you've been in the children's program at church for so long that you go to the ladies meeting and know literally less than half the people in the room.

That one time when the maintenance man doesn't finish working on your plumbing before the weekend and you get the privilege of keeping your two-year-old out of the crawl space beneath the bath tub compliments of the 2-foot hole he left in the wall. ‪#‎winning‬ ‪#‎lookforusonthenews‬

Attended Husband's work Christmas party at one of the nicest restaurants in town last night. Here were my thoughts: 1. Country (meaning me) had definitely come to town. 2. There were dandelion leaves in my salad. I mean, I knew that was a thing, but I'm sorry, dandelions are weeds. 3. A man I'd never met opted to sit next to me based on the fact that I teased him about wearing manly pink nail polish on his toes (after he revealed he slept with his socks on...I don't even know, so don't ask). At the end of the evening, we performed an at-table duet of Feliz Navidad. 4. There was no chocolate option on the dessert menu. If it's not chocolate, it's not dessert. 5. Cocktail hour might be fun if your drink didn't freeze your hand off while mingling. 6. I infinitely prefer those who get funny as they drink to those who sidle up to you and whisper loudly into your face, "I started a little early and I might be tipsy!", like they've just imparted the world's greatest secret. Bless it, lady, but everyone knows already.

You know, they really should make an adjustable toilet for the day after leg day. That's going to be my million dollar idea.

You know, it really is such a waste that neither Husband nor I married someone who is perpetually cold. Here next to him, I can literally feel the heat rolling off of his body. And all I can think is that maybe I should go turn down the air conditioning just so I can stand to stay by him.

After over five months of heavy weight training, I finally put on my big girl panties and broke the 300 (315 to be exact) pound squat barrier. I had to put on the Rocky IV soundtrack to get it done, but whatever. Do something that scares you today and tell me what it was!

I have just learned they will be remaking Dirty Dancing with Abigail Breslin as Baby. I'm sorry, but did no one see her dance moves in Little Miss Sunshine? Although, to be fair, I am a far more amazing dancer now than I was ten years ago (I mean REALLY), so maybe she will benefit from the same phenomenon. ‪#‎dancingfool‬  ‪#‎dontdancebythemirrors‬ ‪#‎themirrorslie‬

Nothing like going out to get the mail and being privy to a domestic disturbance across the way. Unfortunately, they were using so much slang and so many swear words, I'm not even sure what anyone was mad about. And for a cheeky eavesdropper like me, that's pure torture. The good news: no one had a gun. Or a knife.

Every year, as the leaves fall off the tree in our apartment's courtyard, I swear I'll buy a rake to rake them up with. And every year, I talk myself out of it because who buys a rake they're only going to use once a year? And every year, I'm out in the courtyard sweeping up leaves with a broom, looking like a fool.

Life really is better before the kids find out money makes the merry-go-round at the mall move. Life is also better when your car doesn't break down (yes, again) and you're not stuck at the mall (Sears) in the first place.

Life really is improved upon by owning a sports bra that fits.

A good marriage = being with a person who recognizes and appreciates all of the random movie quotes you inject into daily conversation.

Lessons in The Kid speak:
What she says: Tater, do you want to go upstairs and play?
What she means: Tater, do you want to come upstairs so I can tell you not to touch any of my stuff, tell you no seventy-six times, and make you scream bloody murder for thirty minutes?

When you find out someone who is really, really ridiculously good looking is also one of the nicest people on the planet. I mean, you can't have nice AND good looking, you must choose one. Obviously I've chosen good looking.

Since the putting up of the Christmas tree, there have been approximately nine million crying fits as The Tater has been divested of pilfered ornaments, which he continues to call, "my pretties".

When you wake up at 4am and can't go back to sleep because Shania Twain' s "I'm Gonna Get Ya Good" is on replay in your head. Even a dream about an axe murderer would be better.

Dear People,
If you've never had a massage before telling a massage therapist they can "go as hard as they can" is a very, VERY bad idea. Because we will. And you'll be sad.
Your Friend, 

Stopped at Target on the way home from picking The Kid up at school yesterday. She got out of the car and proceeded to drop her drink, spilling all of it. She starts crying saying over and over, "I just worked so hard to get that drink!" She cries so hard, she starts to cough. She coughs so hard, she pukes. She's so distraught over the puke, she walks right through it and tracks it all over the carpet. And I'm just standing there wishing there was a rewind button. Good grief.