Tuesday, August 09, 2016

April on Facebook

The Kid was able to attend the zoo this week with her class (praise that she went and I didn't have to go too. I HATE crowds). Her assessment, "Mama, I made sure to see the llamas because I know how much you love them." 
‪#‎PrettySureIDontLoveLlamas‬ ‪#‎LlamaDoesRhymeWithMama‬


The Kid singing Called To Serve:
Me: No, dude, it's, "...as a triumph song we sing".
The Kid: No, it's, "...as we try out for our king". Because we have to try out for his team to make sure we're good enough for Jesus.


The Kid and her class are preparing for Kindergarten graduation, "There's a song about moving on to first grade, but I don't think I'll sing during that one. Because I don't agree with being kicked out of Kindergarten."


Story: The first time I met Husband was after a 16 hour flight from Japan (we'd talked on the phone for three months before that). When I got off the plane, the only thing I could think about was American food - pizza, hot wings, and Tex-Mex with REAL sour cream. Husband hooked me up and before I partook, I may or may not have rubbed my hands together and said, "Prepare to be impressed." We were reminiscing this morning and he said, "Baby, that's the minute you won my heart."  ‪#‎WhatEveryoneWantsInAWife‬‪#‎HeHadMeFromHello‬ ‪#‎NoReallyHeDid‬ ‪#‎MyNewCountrySong‬‪#‎SheWonMyHeartThroughChickenWingsAndOtherThings‬


The Tater was carrying around a basketball and a soccer ball this morning yelling, "I have two balls!" repeatedly. And, since my sense of humor is apparently that of a 12-year-old boy, I giggled a little. And then The Kid comes in with two giant super balls shoved down the front of her undies and proclaims, "Look! I have two balls, too!" ‪#‎TwoBalls‬ ‪#‎EverybodysGotEm‬


The one time when you're listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at high volumes in your car and your kid is complaining about it and you realize you're officially as old as your parents were when they (and you...oh, my word, I used to haaaaaaate it) used to do the same thing.


The Kid: You know, zebras are compassionate. They never leave anyone behind.
Me: You know what's not compassionate? Guineas. Aunt Stephanie wants to get some.
The Kid: Maybe she should look into getting a zebra instead.


The Kid: That girl from school is cray-cray.
Me: Baby, don't say that word, it makes you sound like a Kardashian.
The Kid: Is that kind of like Satan?


The Kid: Mama, there's something wrong with this sour cream.
Me: That's not sour cream, it's cottage cheese.
The Kid: Well, you shouldn't buy that again because it's bad.


The good news: The Kid has made a command decision that she is going to be packing her lunch from here on out. The bad news: she will apparently be subsisting on Wheat Thins, Cheez-Its, and yogurt.


Tonight's family home evening lesson. It was followed by a screaming fight over a hunk of Silly Putty, so it I'm going to go ahead and say we totally nailed it. ‪#‎imtryingtobelikejesus‬ ‪#‎jesuswantedsillyputtytoo‬


The joy of water balloons. Except The Tater, who is apparently The Wicked Witch of the East would much prefer if there was only water in the ones he's throwing, not the ones being thrown at him.


Me: Hey, wanna get dressed and go to the gym?
The Tater: Nope, I'm good.


"Mama, if you want to do anything stupid enough that you'll be sent to jail, can you at least wait until I'm 12 and old enough to take care of myself?"
Uh....ok.


The Kid: When are we going to make a pie?
Me: Well, I'm not so good at pies. I've never made a good crust.
The Kid: Well, I bet it's not your fault. The recipe was probably bad.


The Kid helped The Tater trade in his kid's toy at Chick-Fil-A for ice cream, "See how I bought you that whole ice cream, Tate? That's called compassion."


The Kid is learning about continents in school, so I told her some of my travel stories:
The Kid: You've been to Africa AND climbed The Great Wall of China?
Me: Uh-huh.
The Kid: Man, that's a lot of stuff to do. How old are you exactly?


The Kid learned about baptism at church a couple of weeks ago:
The Kid: I can't wait to get baptized!
Me: Who do you want to baptize you?
The Kid: You.
Me: Well, I can't. I don't have the priesthood. Men have the priesthood and what do women get to do?
The Kid: Um.....cook?


Everyone knows my complete destain for snakes. I've just completed a search on how to keep snakes off of your property, with the best suggestion being to build a pig pen under your porch. Yeah. Because that's better. ‪#‎JustKeepTheSnakes‬


My kids don't always have a cough, but when they do, you can bet it'll include coughing so hard they throw up at 2am. Go away, allergy season.


My new favorite thing about CNN is that anyone who comes on the show and speaks for Donald Trump is labeled "Trump Surrogate". Where does one find a surrogate? And more importantly, can I have one? And then when I don't feel like going somewhere, I'll be all like, "I am unable to attend, but I shall send my surrogate." ‪#‎milliondollaridea‬ ‪#‎mynewcompany‬


The Kid: You served your mission in Japan and daddy served in Mississippi.
Me: If you could choose, where would you serve?
The Kid: Sea World!
Me: I don't think they have missionaries at Sea World.
The Kid: Ok, then Bethlehem. And I can get a pet camel.


The Kid hit her head on the car door after church, "DANG IT! If I had the Holy Ghost, he could have warned me that was there!"


The Kid: Mama, your teeth look like a beaver. I hope they don't grow any longer.
Me: Well, that's not very nice.
The Kid: Well, what's more important? Being nice or being honest?


As a Mormon, it seems to me that rather than marrying someone you like, you should endeavor to search for someone you're not so fond of. That way, when they have a super time consuming church responsibility, you can say, "Oh, that's alright. I didn't like having them around much anyway."


We have a cousin staying with us this weekend and let me tell you, The Kid DOES NOT appreciate the talking competition. She may or may not have told him that he needed to "rest his voice" or he'd wear it out. ‪#‎hellopot‬ ‪#‎imkettle‬‪#‎letsbothbeblack‬


The Kid crawled in bed with me this morning as I was watching a clip of Outlander where the women were fawning over the main male character, Jamie Fraser, "Mama, why do all the ladies like that man? It must be because he has that handsome chin." ‪#‎outlander‬ ‪#‎jamiefraser‬‪#‎yesitsdefinitelythechinthatdoesit‬


The Kid when I picked her up from school, "Today in school we talked about General George Washington and I told my teacher that I didn't think he was all that impressive because I already know two other generals: General Wok and Dollar General."


Me: Today is my last day of work.
The Kid: You should get a new job.
Me: But I don't want a new job. I want this one.
The Kid: Well, you don't always get what you want. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.


When you and Husband have been eating the same diet and you go suit shopping with him and he's gone down two sizes while you're hanging over the top of every piece of clothing you own. ‪#‎youvegottobekiddingme‬‪#‎hedoesntevenexercise‬ ‪#‎fleshyissexy‬


Again this morning, The Kid organized an "exercise party" and wrangled The Tater into doing it with her, "We have to get some exercise so we can have beautiful bodies just like mama's when we grow up!"
PS I didn't have the heart to tell her that my "beautiful body" has not been considered beautiful by society since Peter Paul Rubens and the 1700's. And maybe not even then.


That one time when you hurt your back two months ago and finally get up the guts to try heavy squats again and your back is STILL pulling funny. Because you're apparently 80 years old.


Walked downstairs this morning to find The Kid doing her version of jumping jacks and burpees. When I asked her what she was doing, "Well, mama, I'm feeling pretty down, so I thought I'd get me some endorphins."
‪#‎endorphinsmakeyouhappy‬ ‪#‎burpeesmakemesad‬


The Kid is deathly afraid of cockroaches, but put her big girl panties on this morning and killed one. As she was flushing it down the toilet, she yelled, "Enjoy your time in hell, cockroach!"  ‪#‎wheredidshelearnthat‬ ‪#‎notfromme‬‪#‎okmaybefromme‬


The Kid was reading a book last night and she paused. Thinking she needed help with a word, I supplied the pronunciation, "Don't rush me, mama. There's a comma there, you know."


Came downstairs to find The Kid throwing Starbursts violently against the wall:
Me: What on earth are you doing?!
The Kid: Nothing. I just want to see what these babies can do.


I made The Tater put on actual clothes to go to church today. He is currently sitting in the corner clutching his jammies, rocking back and forth, screaming, "I NEED JAMMIES! I NEED JAMMIES!"  ‪#‎itotallygetit‬


Me: Dude, have you been playing with the pink hair dye again?
The Kid: No.
Me: What's this pink handprint on the carpet?
The Kid: Cave art from our ancestors?


Driving around the other day and Mark Chesnutt's "Blame it on Texas (Don't Blame it on Me)" came on the radio:
The Kid: Well, I'm blaming him.
Me: What are you blaming him for?
The Kid: I don't know, but I'd never blame anything on my country.
Me: Texas isn't a country.
The Kid: Well, it should be.


On the way to dinner, we were talking about visiting Japan and when we got where we were going there was a family speaking Spanish:
The Kid: HEY! THAT FAMILY IS JAPANESE, THEY'RE NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH!!
"Japanese" Boy: We're Mexican. And we all speak English.
The Kid: Well then, you weren't pronouncing those English words very well.


The Kid has been having trouble with another little girl at school teasing her:
The Kid: I'm going to have to ask for a different super power because when I get mad, I get really super strong and I want to hurt people.
Me: Kind of like The Hulk?
The Kid: No. The Hulk is green. I'm clearly pink.
Me: Well, dude, no beating people up, ok?
The Kid: Fine. I'll just give her a piece of my mind.


During the day, The Tater is 110% mama's baby. However, from 8-9pm, he is daddy's. Because daddy doesn't make him go back to/stay in his own bed. Party all the time with daddy.


In order to keep The Tater from messing with the fish-less fish bowl, I may or may not have told him there's a fish in there. And he may or may not have spent the last fifteen minutes talking to the non-existent fish.


A temple in Harare, Zimbabwe!! When I was there in 1999, I interviewed a couple who used their life savings (and therefore, the hopes of a car, so the father traveled by bus for two hours EACH WAY to work every day) and spent over 24 hours traveling to attend the temple in Johannesburg, South Africa. They were convinced it'd be the one and only time they'd be able to attend the temple. I am about to burst!


That one time when you're cleaning out storage and you find fifty wedding invitations you apparently never sent. Whoops. ‪#‎stillacceptinggifts‬‪#‎perhapsalawnmower‬


Food storage, in theory, is an amazing idea. Until you have to move it all to a new house. Then it's stupid.  ‪#‎Mormonproblems‬ ‪#‎followtheprophet‬‪#‎maybetheprophetcanhelpusmoveit‬


Me: Hey, your teacher said you're having a hard time using your inside voice.
The Kid: How am I supposed to use my inside voice when I don't even know what that is? And beside, I had to respond to my friend, it would be rude if I didn't. And I am not rude, mama.

March On Facebook

The Kid: I really want to visit Washington DC so I can see Mt. Rushmore.
Me: Naw, dude, that's in South Dakota
The Kid: Man! South Dakota has all the cool stuff!


Watching the morning news:
The Kid: I've decided not to vote for Donald Trump.
Me: Oh, really? Why's that?
The Kid: Well, he looks like the kind of guy who would make his own rules and tell us what to do.


"Mama, why are you always making dinner? Why can't we eat out like normal people?"  ‪#‎excellentquestion‬ ‪#‎iwonderthattoo‬  ‪#‎mypoorchildren‬‪#‎forcedtoeathomemadefood‬  ‪#‎inavandownbytheriver‬


Me: Baby, if we end up moving, you probably won't have uniforms at school.
The Kid: And what kind of ridiculous place might that be?


Someone to me today, "Girl, you don't look like someone who was built to run away, you look like someone who was built to stand her ground and fight."
Um...I'm not exactly sure if that's a compliment or an insult.


When you own a carpet cleaner but can't use it because the littlest precious has hidden one of the plugs. FOR. THE. LOVE.


Literally spent the last FIVE hours making Easter dinner of ham, funeral potatoes, and asparagus. Neither of my children will touch any part of it. ‪#‎shouldhavemadecorndogs‬ ‪#‎onlyfortysecondsinthemicrowave‬‪#‎pearlsbeforeswine‬

Eau de fair: cigarette smoke, sweat, sawdust, and animal dung. Oh, and pork-a-bobs. Delicious. PS We are never going to the fair on a Saturday again. NEVER.


This egg hunt is experiencing a temporary delay. So we can open every. single. egg. as we go. And when we do open the eggs, we gasp and scream, "CANDY! It's CANDY!" as if we've never seen candy in our entire lives.


The Kid, "Mama! Your hair is becoming white! It must be because I'm growing up. Or maybe it's becoming white because you're becoming an old lady."


When a house listing states that the house sits on a "huge" lot and when you get there, it's less than an acre. Um. Not huge. ‪#‎ranchgirlproblems‬‪#‎falseadvertising‬  ‪#‎whyisthissohard‬ ‪#‎theneighborscanstillseemeifimnaked‬


That one time when your patient has a tattoo on their shoulder and you catch it out of the corner of your eye and you think it's a spider, so you go ahead and smack it because who wants a spider on their shoulder? You. Are. Welcome.


Me: Did you brush your hair like I told you to?
The Kid: No, I have the hiccups.
Me: So you can't brush your hair?
The Kid: Well, every time my diaphragm moves, it makes the brush strokes uneven.


The Kid, when throwing a fit, bears an uncanny resemblance to a wounded elk.


The Tater at 6:15am as he's pulling the covers off of me, "Wake up! Get dressed! Put on shoes! I need bacon! I want donuts!"




When you have a MAJOR telephone phobia and have committed to make twenty telephone calls in one morning.


Me: Hey, go get a toothbrush and toothpaste and we'll brush your teeth.
The Tater: Can't. Watching the basketball.
‪#‎marchmadness‬ ‪#‎ncaa‬ ‪#‎twoyearoldfan‬ ‪#‎rootingforalltheredteams‬


When the two-year-old says he wants a grilled cheese so you make him a grilled cheese and then he screams at you because he doesn't want it. Obviously. ‪#‎reasonsmykidcries‬ ‪#‎terribletwos‬ ‪#‎whycantireadhismind‬


Chuck E. Cheese is pretty much parent hell. And also, it smells like urine.


We didn't catch the leprechaun, but he did leave us a treasure hunt (wherein The Tater found the treasure before we'd found all of the clues and stood in front of it yelling, "I NEED CANDY!") and we've seen Riverdance on the Today show (their legs flail about as if independent from their bodies!), so consider us all St. Patrick's-ed up!


I made this sign for The Kid's leprechaun trap and she said, "Oh, mama, I really like how you've used exclamation points! They indicate strong feeling."


It thrills me to my toes to see The Kid sounding out words and reading books. Reading is one of the great loves of my life and all I can think about is what the ability to read will open for her. PS I also hope she wants to travel. Maybe as a tennis pro so she can provide for us in our dotage (I was going to say as a professional singer, but if her genes stand strong, there's NO WAY. Bless our hearts.)


How The Kid enjoys the beach, "Mama, look at all of this water and sand! That means we can dig billions of holes and pee anywhere we want! What luck!" ‪#‎publicurination‬ ‪#‎weknowhowtohavefun‬ ‪#‎justlikehermother‬ ‪#‎springbreak2016‬


That one time when you have to wait for the ferry for a looooooong time and the five-year-old needs to potty and you suggest her sand bucket and she freaks out until she literally can't hold it anymore, uses the bucket, and then loudly proclaims that she can't wait to write a paper about it when she gets back to school. Because we know what fun/awesomeness/entertainment is.


Beware the Ides of March! Also, apparently the Ides of any month, but Shakespeare never mentioned those, so we'll just stick with the March ones.


That one time when you arrive home from house hunting to find your neighbors involved in a domestic dispute that involves the F bomb for ten straight minutes at an ever increasing volume and ends with the male urinating on the female all in front of both of your children. And you think, "ANY OF THOSE HOUSES WE LOOKED AT! ANY OF THEM! WE'LL EVEN LIVE NEXT TO THE METH LAB!"


When the dude at the gym jumps off the scale and yells, "I'm down 2.5! Two point FIVE!", you naturally run over and give him a high five. Because we believe in celebrating all success. PS My gym towel this morning smells like beef jerky. Delicious.


Husband was called as Young Men's president today at church and immediately The Kid started crying, "This is a really bad idea. Now he'll never be home and then who will be nice to me?" ‪#‎notme‬ ‪#‎meanmom‬ ‪#‎loveathome‬


The Kid climbed in bed with me proclaiming that she came to snuggle and when I moved over so we could:
The Kid: Why are you so close to me?
Me: Uh, you said you wanted to snuggle.
The Kid: Well maybe you could snuggle me from farther away.


Me: Didn't I tell you three times to brush your teeth?!
The Kid: I can't! I can't find a toothbrush!
‪#‎everynight‬ ‪#‎seventoothbrushes‬ ‪#‎onthebathroomcounter‬


Our church ward was split two weeks ago and this morning from The Kid, "Mama, it sure is lucky they put you and me in the same ward or else how would I get to church?!"  ‪#‎boundarylines‬ ‪#‎rightdownthemiddleofourhouse‬‪#‎goodluckgettingtochurchkids‬


Due to the copious amount of rain we've received, we've been inundated with cockroaches and slugs. The Kid believes it is her personal mission to joyfully guide these critters to "their next life". As for me, the only rejoicing comes in the fact that they're not snakes.

When you're one lunch-make away from Spring Break, your kid gets a bag of cereal, two pieces of cheese, and half an orange. ‪#‎overit‬ ‪#‎motheroftheyear‬‪#‎winning‬


The Kid, dressed in a Batman shirt, runs into the kitchen with a can of Wolf brand chili and says, "Mama, I know how you feel about The Wolf, but Batman needs this if she's going to continue to rescue people and do good in her community." ‪#‎herfatherschild‬ ‪#‎batmanpoweredbywolf‬‪#‎shamelessproductpromotion‬


One month away from the weights = eight months of progress down the drain. The good news: Today was my first official performance of karaoke How Will I Know by Whitney Houston. And I'm not even exaggerating when I say it was a resounding success.


The Tater's newest thing: brings me the church hymnal, throws it in my lap and screeches, "SING, MAMA, SING!"


The Kid walked in as Husband and I were discussing a third child:
The Kid: Mama, do you want another baby?
Me: Yes, but it's just not working out.
The Kid: Well, maybe if you started talking about it in your prayers...


Within the last three months, we've had five packages we've ordered delivered to the wrong address. Of course, the USPS has no idea what that address is and cannot retrieve said packages, leaving us to fight with the sellers to either request a refund or a resend on the package. All I know is that whomever is actually receiving them is getting some really nice, really FREE stuff.


When you buy your kid some books for her Easter basket and hide them in a super secret place she'd never look and she finds them in less than 24-hours. ‪#‎notsosecret‬ ‪#‎shessneaky‬ ‪#‎happyfreakineaster‬


"Mama, today at school we studied Dr. Seuss and I hate to have to tell you this, but Yertle the Turtle was a jerk."


The Kid: I wish Abraham Lincoln was still alive.
Me: Why's that?
The Kid: Because even with his beard he looked better than that guy who wants to be president now. That guy's hair almost blows away in the wind.


My mom says, "I only like people who are nice to my children." And I never understood why until I had my own. Bless my co-worker's heart, The Kid pulled her around and talked her ear off on Saturday and she acted like there was nothing else she'd rather be doing.


When you have to wait for over an hour to vote with your two-year-old, I believe your vote should count twice. In other news, try explaining a primary election to a five-year-old only to have her insist that her name be put on the ballot for president of the primary. ‪#‎firstworldproblems‬ ‪#‎americanproblems‬‪#‎mother problems‬