On Facebook - November 2017

You guys. I did it. I bought a Shark on Black Friday. It’s the new love of my life. #ExceptForHusbandIMean

You know, there are apparently things that just don’t heal. Last night, as we were decorating for Christmas, the kids pulled out the stocking I bought last year on clearance for a baby I was just sure I’d have before this Christmas. I barely held it together when Husband asked what it was for. #SometimesHeartsStayBroken #RealTalk #WhenYouDontGetWhatYouWant

The kids are currently fighting over Oreos:

The Tater: Cookies are for BOYS.
The Kid: No, Tater, cookies are for closers.

The Tater has been acting like a pill pretty much non-stop for the last week. Today, I heard The Kid giving him a talking-to, "Tater, if you don't start behaving, I'll have no choice but to report your actions to Buddy The Elf." #ThatllGetHim #TattleTale #TaterHasTwoMothers

Walmart greeter to The Tater as we walk into the store, “I saw you trying to escape from your grandma just now. You’ve got to stay with your MiMaw!” #ImHisMother #HisMiMawIs73

Before I started my short cardio this morning I explained to my kids that if they could just let me be for twenty minutes, I’d finish up quickly, then we could go do something fun. Just for entertainment, I counted the number of times they interrupted with, “MOM! I need...”. Thirty-two times. In twenty minutes. #ForTheLove #TwentyMinuteCardioTakesForty#AndIWonderWhyICantLoseWeight

Me (talking to myself): I don't understand why people are so mean to each other on the internet.
The Kid: Well, you know what Taylor Swift says. Haters gonna hate.

That one time when you accidentally mention to your kid that if she wants to help inject the turkey, she’ll need to be up early. And then 4am rolls around, she runs into your room, pokes you in the forehead and shouts, “WAKEY, WAKEY! That turkey’s not going to bake itself!”

The Tater was trying to get some chips from his sister, "You have to take them to mom to give her the opportunity to offer you a bribe. She always makes us eat something healthy before we can have chips." #ShesOnToMe#Accurate #IBribeMyChildren

That one time when you're concentrating really hard on making your first pecan pie and you grab your water bottle and take a giant swig of....warm Karo Syrup. #TheDrinkOfChampions #WhoNeedsGatorade #SoRefreshing

Brought both kids to work with me for an hour today:
The Kid: What is your job exactly?
Me: I’m a massage therapist.
The Kid: So, you’re telling me you spend all day long touching strangers all over?
#UmYesThatsAccurate #ExceptNotExactlyALLOver #ThatsADifferentJob

Tried on some of the new lippy I bought yesterday and then showed it off to The Kid:
Me: What do you think?
The Kid: It's nice! Are you going for a goth look today?
#MaybeItIsALiiiiiiiitleDark #ItLookedAmazingOnMyHand#TakingItOffMadeMeLookLikeTheJoker

The Tater just requested a drink of my apple cider vinegar drink, so I gave him one. As he was grimacing and trying to wipe it off his tongue, "EWWWWWWW! YUCK! I don't even like you!"

The Tater: Hmmm...where are all the chips?
Me: They’re for me, not you.
The Tater: Can you put some chips for you in my bowl?

At Walmart doing some lip gloss color testing on my hand:

The Kid: Mama, are you allowed to do that?!
Me: Well, I have to see if it’ll work on my skin.
The Kid: In that case, let’s crack open some of this eyeshadow!

The Kid: I think we should do some random service this Christmas season.
Me: I think that would be really nice.
The Kid: Yeah, like you could make me some cookies.
Me: You're supposed to do service for other people.
The Kid: I am other people.

It’s awfully hard to order a birthday surprise when UPS delivers said gift straight into your child’s hands. #YouHadOneJob

The Tater has already had two full-blown meltdowns this morning. 1. He brought me a popsicle and asked me to open it. So I did. Apparently I did it wrong. 2. He asked me to put some cereal in a bowl. So I did. Apparently he doesn’t like the cereal he asked for. #IFeelLikeImTakingCrazyPills#WeepingAndWailingAndGnashingOfTeeth #HesATyrant

Today is The Kid's school field trip. She woke up at 4 to "get ready so she wouldn't be late", which included waking me up so she could tell me all about it. So. That's awesome.  #ThisAfternoonShouldBeAwesome

The Kid: Hey, can I have some of this?
The Tater: You betcha.
The Kid: How do you know about "you betcha"?
The Tater: Because I'm awesome.

Great news. I've just finished watching part of a documentary on heart disease and diabetes. This, coupled with several other food/disease based documentaries have brought my attention to the fact that I can no longer eat the following or else I'll die a premature and grotesque death: Red Meat. Chicken. Pork. All fish I actually like. Any non-organic fruit or vegetable (also, any imported fruit or vegetable). All dairy products. Eggs. Simple carbohydrates. Complex carbohydrates that are not "responsibly farmed". So, basically what I'm saying is that if you need me, I'll just be over here eating dirt. Or my $9 organic avocado. #DirtIsSoDelicious#AndJustThinkOfTheNutients #PerhapsIWillGetAWormForProtein#ICanAlsoEatQuinoa #WhichIsBasicallyLikeEatingDirt#WillWorkForOrganicAvocados

Started the morning with a super frustrating weigh-in and then went to the gym and tried to work out the frustration:

Me: Well, dude, I think that's about all I can do for today. I hope it's enough.
The Tater: You betcha. Mama, you are enough.
#IAmEnough #ThatsProbablyNotHowHeMeantIt #ButThatsHowImTakingIt#HeReallyJustWantedToComeHomeToMakeTaterTots#ShouldWeGoHomeMama #ShouldWeGoGetSomethingToEat

Have you ever met someone who's supposedly famous but you literally have no clue who they are? And then they offer to sign something for you and you're all like, "Um, ok...sure...let me just find something for you to, uh, sign for me" when really you want to say, "Nope, I'm good, I actually don't know who you are." #IDontNeedYourAutograph #WayToBeFamous#MaybeIWillStartOfferingToSignStuffForPeople

The Tater walked into my closet this morning as I was getting dressed, "Mama, I really like all of these dresses! You look so pretty in this blue dress!"  #ThanksDude #AndYoureSoHandsome

After Halloween, we had a giant bowl of candy that disappeared from the kitchen counter. We looked and looked for it. Fast forward to today when I surprised The Tater, who was quietly sitting in his closet right by mounds of candy that he'd poured in one of his drawers. When I caught him, he started to cry and said, "I think a sucker will calm me down."  #Tricksey#CandyAlwaysCalmsPeopleDown #NothingLikeASugarHigh

All week, The Kid begged and begged for money to go to the book fair, which I categorically refused because I knew she would spend it on pens and sparkly notebooks instead of actual books (now who else would do that....oh, ME!) Anyway, her soft-touch father relented and gave her some cash and guess what she came home with? An invisible pen and a sequined diary. This morning she came to me with her diary and said, "Mama, I'm happy daddy loves me enough to let me buy this diary. Now I have a place to write my dazzling dreams and sparkly secrets."  #Indeed#SoManyDreamsAndSecretsForTheSevenYearOld#SheHasThreeOtherDiarie

The kids came home this morning covered in dirt, smelling like smoke, and completely euphoric. Husband came dragging in after having to spend the night with The Tater tucked inside his sleeping bag because he was freezing his little yellow skin off. #TheKidWasUpAt445#GivingMathProblemsToTheOtherLeader #WhenCanWeGoAgainDaddy

Tonight, Husband has BOTH KIDS out camping, which marks the first time in The Tater's life where I've spent a night away from him. He'll be four in ten days. #SeparationAnxiety #MeNotHim #HeHasATentAndCheetos

Tip of the day: please, for the love of all that’s holy, please never say the following to a massage therapist, “Oh, you can’t hurt me. Go as hard as you want.” Because we can. And we’ll take you at your word. And you’ll see. #MassageTherapy #NoButSeriously #ICanHurtYou #AndIProbablyWill

The Tater has reached my very favorite stage of development - where he adds an “es” on the end of pretty much every plural word, making him sound like Gollum. #Fruitses #Breadses #

Something else EVERYONE has an opinion on and will expound upon with no prompting whatsoever: changing your diet/losing weight/getting correct nutrients. #DudeIDidntEvenAsk #InFactIDontEvenKnowYou#ButYesGoAhead #IdLoveToHearWhatINeedToDoToLoseWeight#NoDontStopNow #TellMeEvenMore

The Kid: Where are you going today?
Me: I’m working out at the prison today, dude.
The Kid: If any of those prisoners escape while you’re out there, just karate chop them, mama. And if that doesn’t work, don’t hesitate to bite.
#BrawlingTipsFromMySevenYearOld #JustDoTheKarateChop

1. According to my Fitbit, I made 12,000 steps today at work. That’s five miles. And that’s really far. 2. At lunch, I walked to the liquor store for my yearly 1/2 gallon of rum. What I didn’t take into account was the fact that I’d have to walk back the entire way on a very busy street clutching my brown paper sack - looking like an alkie. 3. I did my very first curbside grocery pickup today. And it might have been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

When you get home from work at 7:45pm and Husband has Filet Bryan complete with sun dried tomato butter sauce and goat cheese waiting for you on the stove. #ThisIsAGoodMan #HeKnowsTheWayToMyHeart#SaintNick #ButNotSantaClaus

I overfilled the bath for The Tater just now and when I went to let some of the water out, he starts screaming like I've cut off his toe:

Me: What on earth is the problem?
The Tater: I can't even take a bath! The bath is drinking all the water down gone!
#OhForTheLOVE

Dusted off the old Fitbit today. If you see me walking in tight circles staring at my wrist later on this afternoon, I’m not crazy, I’m just a step-nerd. #10000Steps #AndNotEvenOneMore #WhichWayToTheGym#HowManyStepsDidYouDoToday #FalseFeelingOfBeingAwesome

That one time when your kids have been up since 4:30am and it’s almost dark outside and you think, “Surely it’s almost bedtime” and then you look at the clock and it’s 5:38pm. #DaylightSavingsTimeBlows#NoOneAroundHereSleeps #

It’s absolutely amazing how fast you can go on rollerblades when you don’t have to push a stroller. The only things you’re stopping/slowing down for are: 1. When you realize that the Kenyans could still run twice as far in the same amount of time. 2. When Whitney hits the high notes - ain’t nobody disrespecting Ms. Houston in that manner. 3. To drop your very best blading dance moves. 4. To talk to/pet every dog that comes to greet you. Except The Bully Dogs - you go faster than ever when they hit the road. 5. To wipe the sweat that’s rolling down every, single body plane since it’s 80 degrees with 96% humidity at 9am on November 4th.

Today The Kid’s class was supposed to dress up as famous/influential people:

The Kid: I want to be Jo-Jo.
Me: What if you wore this and dressed up as Jackie Kennedy instead? She was a president’s wife. He was shot when he was the president.
The Kid: She was married to Abraham Lincoln?!
#NailedIt #WeAreAwesomeAtHistory #MamaWasJackieKennedyYourFriend#HerCostumeLookedNothingLikeJackie

Last night I hopped on the Astros bandwagon so hard, there wasn’t room for actual fans. PS Can I borrow an Astros shirt from somebody? Preferably blue, orange makes me look sallow. #IStillHaveStandardsYouKnow#ITotallyWentToAnAstrosGameOnce #IEvenAteAHotDogThere

Another thing I never thought I'd say, "PLEASE STOP DOING NAKED CARTWHEELS!"  #ForTheLove #PutOnYourFreakingClothes#AintNobodyWantToSeeThat

Cleaning upstairs when I hear a huge bang from another room:
Me: Dude, what are you doing??
The Tater: I HAVE NO IDEA, MAMA!