On Facebook - December 2017

The Tater is after The Kid for taking too long to make him a paper airplane and this, “You can’t rush perfection, dude. If you rush perfection, you end up with crap.” #Amen #YouDontWantCrapDoYou

After the “perfect” paper airplane took a nosedive into the carpet, “Oh, my gosh! I’ve just invented the perfect paper crashing rocket!” #ReinventingThePaperAirplane

Attempting to teach The Kid to ride her new bike is like to kill me. After falling off for the 14th time in 20 minuets, she started to cry, “I just can’t ride a bike! The seat hit my vagina and now it’ll never be the same again!” #WeUseAnatomicallyCorrectWords #AndSometimesIRegretIt

The Tater has spotted a sea shell in his sister’s room:

The Tater: What is it?
Me: What does it look like?
The Tater: It looks like not yours is what it looks like.

Husband is napping on the couch as I’m peeling and cutting apples, The Tater is shoving them in his mouth as fast as I cut, so I get on to him a little, “Mama! I need you to be quiet so daddy doesn’t wake up and eat all our apples!” #GoodThinking #HeDoesntLikeCompetition

Christmas crisis averted: broken bike returned and replaced (and fully assembled, praise the Lord). Even better? After only three tries, I totally fit it into the trunk of my car. #TheCaddyForTheWin #ILikeABigTrunk#ThatsWhatHeSaid

When you’re trying to get out of bed to go to the gym and your kid says, “I’m going to get my iPad and come back so we can do some more snuggling”, you stay in bed. #TwistMyArm#FineIWillSnuggleYouInTheWarmBed

The Tater, after consuming every, single piece of his Christmas candy, purloined Husband's entire stocking-full and proceeded to gorge himself:

Me: Dude, is that daddy's candy?
The Tater: Of course.
Me: But why are you eating daddy's candy?
The Tater: Because. Mine is all gone. His was just sitting on the couch.
#IMean #HeJustLeftItThereForMe

Husband has purchased a keyboard to teach himself how to play the piano (just when you think you know a guy). The best news? The kids have discovered a setting that makes the keyboard sound like squirrels on crack. It’s not annoying. At all.

Just when you think you can’t love a guy more, you overhear him playing Shopkins with his daughter. #SqueezeMyHeartWhyDontYa#ChampionHusbandAndDaddy

Since Christmas Eve is on a Sunday, Buddy The Elf brought the kids new church clothes. The Tater, a long documented hater of ALL THINGS church clothes, opened his gift of a new shirt then fell on the floor screaming, “I don’t like that one!” #WhatsThisCrap#IThoughtIWasGettingSomethingGood

Here it is, the last shopping day before Christmas Eve and I feel like I should be out running around frantically looking for stuff. Instead, I’m at home in my sweats thinking that there’s something I needed to get but I literally have no clue what it is. #TooLateNow #IReallyCantGetOutOfTheseSweats

Today, on the second official day of winter, we are running our air conditioning. #80DegreesOnDecember22 #ThatsTexasForYou#TheKidWantsToGoSwimming

When you’re trying to run a 20 person office with six people. #NoProblem#LetsDoThisThing #MadSkills #KillingIt #TheFluSucks

First official day of Christmas break. I’m fired up because I get to sleep in fifteen extra minutes because I don’t have to drop kids off. Instead, both kids are awake and in our room by 4:30. #LetThePartyCommence#WeDontWaitTill6ToParty #ThatsForLazyPeople#OfCourseYouCanHaveCandyForBreakfast

According to my FitBit, what DOESN’T count as steps: walking to the kitchen to make the kids breakfast. What DOES count as steps: laying in bed petting the cat. #IBelieveMyPathIsClear #GoMakeYourOwnBreakfast#ImDoingMyExerciseHere

When a man at Chick-Fil-A buys your kids ice cream and you a cookie because, “When the man upstairs tells you to bless someone, you do it.” The Kid says, “Free ice cream tastes waaaaaaay better than paid for ice cream!” #ILoveTheManUpstairs #IAlsoLoveCookies#ThisDayJustKeepsGettingBetter

The Kid: If there was a contest in the Olympics for gymnastics, I’d probably win. I do amazing cartwheels.
Me: There is a contest at the Olympics for gymnastics.
The Kid: Well. When do we go?
#ConfidenceNeverLacking #TheCartwheelsReallyAreSomethingElse

A talk in church on Sunday where skiing was mentioned made me homesick for this: Japan, ski weekends, onsens, good (real) ramen, Brittany Spears Greatest Hits, and my two best girls, Gráinne and Thanet. #IReallyWasntAGreatSkier #ButIAtLeastLearnedHowToStop#TheRamenWasAmazing #AndISureLookCuteInThatBeanie#ItHadSequinsOnIt

Me: Hey, dude, can you help me?
The Kid: I’m pretty busy right now.
Me: What are you doing?
The Kid: I’m standing on my head. And humming.
#YesThatDoesMakeYouBusy #ByAllMeansContinue

The Tater’s new, super fun habit: when eating any finger food (which, for him, is pretty much all food), he takes a bite and rubs his hand over his hair. Because apparently just having spaghetti on his face is not enough.

After being awake half the night cleaning up throw up (the result of a cough, not the dreaded stomach bug that’s also going around), my one and only wish is that I had the secret, magical power to get back in bed and go back to sleep for a couple of hours. #HowDoesOneGetSuchPower#ThePukerWasAwfullyChipperFor2AM

Today in the children's class at church, the kids were making Christmas cards for sick children as a service project. The Kid brought the project home and has been diligently working on making card after card before she finally started to cry, "Mama, I just don't know what to do, there are so many sick kids and they all need a card so they know I love them, but I am just so tired!"  #ThisGirl #SheLovesBig

The Kid has The Tater set up under the table with paper and crayons:

The Kid: I’ve hired him and put him to work.
Me: Doing what?
The Kid: He’s coloring pictures for you for Christmas. It’s called outsourcing. I’m paying him in beads.
The Tater: Ima need two beads to start work. And two dollars.
#DemandADownPayment #OutsourceThis #HesNoDummy

The Kid knew her entire alphabet before she was two. The Tater has just turned four and shows no inclination or interest in learning his letters - I brought out the foam letters The Kid learned on and this is exactly how it went:

Me: What’s this one?
The Tater: I don’t know. Let’s throw it high in the air!
Me: What’s this one?
The Tater: I don’t know. It looks like a magnet! Let’s stick it to the fridge!
Me: What’s this one?
The Tater: I don’t know. Let’s boing it off your squishy belly!
#IThinkHesTotallyGettingIt #IShouldHaveBeenATeacher #NailingParenthood

When your co-workers have to jimmy your gas tank open for you since your tank-door release button has suddenly decided to stop working. #RunningOnFumes #IWorkWithGreatPeople #NoOfficerThisIsMyCar#ImNotStealingGas

When you hurt your back while attempting to do up the zipper on your kid’s jacket. #RealLife #HowOldAmI #LastTimeIHurtMyBackIWasPuttingOnPants#PraiseTheLordIWorkForAChiropractor

Me: I’m not eating sugar.
Also me: I should just take the whole pan of caramel corn upstairs so I don’t have to walk back down if I want some more.
#NailingIt #StreamlinedSugarConsumption

The Kid has a makeover game downloaded on her tablet where the first order of business on every makeover is to pluck the uni-brow and chin hairs and then wax the girl’s upper lip. #RealLife #Legit#ShowThemWhatTheyHaveTookForwardTo#DontLeaveHomeWithoutYourTweezers

Speaking to The Tater about his musical performance at the church Christmas party last night:

Me: Did you do some good singing? 
The Tater: YES!
Me: It was amazing.
The Tater: No, it was not amazing. It was VERY amazing.

We just walked out to get the mail and The Tater decided we should go just a little farther. About half a mile down the road, he sits down on the road and starts to cry, “It’s too cold! It’s ridiculous! You need to pick me up and take me home!” #HereLetMeCarryYouHalfAMile #All45PoundsOfYou#YouWantToKnowWhatsRidiculous

Last night, in the madness of trying on his Santa suit, Husband left the packing box for the beard and wig right by our bed. The Kid found it and read it this morning and Husband shouts, “I hate a smart kid!” #WhyDidSheHaveToLearnToRead #NowSheKnowsAllOurSecrets

The Tater just opened the front door and started to cry, “MAMA! What happened to all the lovely snow?!” ⛄️ 

“Mama, when it snows, I understand that there’s this game where you make balls out of the snow and throw them at one another.”

*throws a snowball at her*

“Ouch! Why would you do that to me?!”

#ItsCalledASnowballFight #TheKidsFirstSnowExperience#ItDoesntSnowHere

That one time when you get a call from the school nurse for the-Kid-who’s-never-sick (saying The Kid is running a fever), so you call in to work and rush home to pick her up and when you get her she seems to be crying in what appears to be genuine agony that continues for thirty minutes non-stop because her ear hurts. So, you set her up at the table with a Dr Pepper and a serving of chicken noodle soup and start preparing a concoction to put in her ear and as you’re coming out of the bathroom to administer it, you hear the thumping of what turns out to be several cartwheels in a row punctuated by banshee squeals. #DrPepperWorksMiracles #BeHealed#CanYouFakeAFeverAtSchool #IThinkIveBeenHad

The Tater, hiding in his closet this morning, “I don’t like to wear pants! I don’t want to go to work!” #PantsAreTheDevil #IFeelYouDude

This day. Where it’s cold and wet outside. And there are snotty noses. And we were up half the night. Therefore, fleece blankets, hot chocolate, movies, and what The Tater calls, “sweeping pajannas”. All we need now is a delivery of lentil and sausage soup from Carrabba’s and our lives would be complete. #SnugglingWithMyBaby #NotNesessarilyByChoice#WipingNosesAndFaces #LivingTheDream

The Tater is sick. Naturally, that means his sleep pattern is off. Well, more off than usual. This morning at 12:30, I found him sitting at the kitchen counter. When I walked in, he looked up and said, “Hey, mama! What’s for breakfast?” #Nothing #GoBackToBedForTheLove

When you go to the doctor’s office and the scale says you weigh 16 pounds less than your scale at home. #Winning #HowMuchForTheScale#BasicallyReadyToModelVictoriasSecret

When you make the last payment on something you’ve been paying for the last three years and you’re all fired up for all that “extra” money. And then you remember you’re an adult and “extra” money is not actually a thing. #MONEY #JustPutItTowardSomethingElse

That one time when your FitBit app sends you a notification applauding your 18 minute workout that took place while you were sitting quietly in a pew in the middle of sacrament meeting at church. #KillingIt #SpiritualWorkout#FeelThePower #TheSpiritGotMeAllLike

I have been informed by a (younger) co-worker that I Facebook incorrectly. Apparently when someone comments on your post, you’re supposed to go back and like every, single one of them or reply to each one individually. #WhoKnew #MyBad #IJustReadTheCommentsAndMoveOn

Walked into the bathroom to find The Kid messing with my lipstick:

Me: Dude. You have plenty. You don’t need to put any more on.
The Kid: Well, in that case, I’m leaving. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Me: Man, I’m having a hard time.
The Kid: Try doing a booty shake.
Me: You think that’ll help?
The Kid: It always helps me feel better.

It’s 7:25 on a Saturday morning. Thanks to our preciouses, we’ve been awake since 5. Husband is currently in the kitchen cooking sausage, blaring Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On A Prayer, and singing at the top of his lungs. #WeKnowHowToParty #HalfwayThere #BreakfastInBed

That one time when you start taking an herbal sleep supplement and it smells just like the old calving shed. #HaveYouBeenBirthingAnimalsAgain#NopeThatsJustMySleepSupplement

The Kid just totally took a digger out of the swing into a perfect face-first slide. As I was waiting for her to start crying, she picked up her head and said, “We’ve just learned two very important things here. 1. I would win at baseball and 2. You said I couldn’t fly, but apparently I can.”

That one time when you go to the park and the only other lady there plops herself down on the bench right next to you with her four cell phones and starts talking at you about how her selfies in the park excursion is going. #UmWeDontKnowEachOther #AndYoureSuperCreepy#AndNoOneNeedsFourPhonesForSelfies #AndWhyAreYouSittingSoClose#IHaveSpacialIssues #PleaseMoveBack15Feet

I’ve just been informed by my FitBit app that I’m “killing it”. #IKnowRight#ItsADailyThing #ConstantAwesomeness #PleaseValidateMeFitBit