On Facebook - May 2017

That one time twenty years ago when you were forced to take a humanities class (which, bee-tee-dubs, you started out hating and ended up LOVING) and you were all like, "When am I ever going to use this?" And then, when you're 38 and you dominate at Trivial Pursuit because of it, you're all like, "BAM! Merci beaucoup, Dr. Don Marshall!"

Using the bathroom stall at church when there's a knock on the door and two little Tater feet underneath it:

Me: Who is it?
The Tater: SPECIAL DELIVERY!
#EveryoneGetsSpecialDeliveriesInTheBathroom

When you find out how many of your friends were deprived in their childhood - really, it's so, so sad. I mean, their lunch ladies never even made brownies OR cinnamon rolls for them! Can you imagine?! Then again, not everyone could have THE BEST LUNCH LADIES IN THE WORLD (and even better, I got to live with one of mine!) #LunchLadyBrownies#BestLunchLadiesInTheLand #ILoveAllThreeOfThem

Sitting down to work on a new crochet project:

The Tater: What you making?
Me: A blanket.
The Tater: We already have blankets.

After nearly a month of no little middle-of-the-night visitors, I was beginning to feel quite smug about being able to sleep all night. Then, within the last week, at least one of our children (usually both) has visited at least once a night. As such, it is 3am and no one in this house is asleep. #RippedOff #GoToSLEEP #NoItIsNotTimeToPlay

That one time you order yarn online and it takes weeks and weeks to get to you and when it finally arrives, you realize you ordered it from The Netherlands. #OfCourseIDid #ItWasHalfAsMuchAsAmericanYarn#AnotherSignHaveAnOldSoul #ICrochetWhileWatchingWheelOfFortune

No, but seriously, how long can one, single Xanex last? I feel like a zombie. A zombie who, according to my doctor, is "healthy as a horse". He even said it twice. I'm going to go ahead and assume he meant a quarterhorse and not a Clydesdale or a dumpy French pony. #CanYouPleaseSpecifyWhichBreed#IdLikeToBeHealthyAsSomethingMajestic #LikeAUnicorn #XanexIsNotFun

Today I did the-thing-that-terrifies-me-that-no-one-else-understands. My doctor offered to prescribe a Xanax to get me through it with minimal histrionics, I took him up on it faster than a fat kid takes an offer of cake. The whole time I was there, I kept wondering when it was going to start working. Turns out I just took it an hour too late - on the way home and for several hours afterward, I lost time. Thanks to Husband, there's video proof wherein I talk about inappropriate things for a prolonged period time and giggle hysterically at everything I say. #ThisIsWhyGodMadeMeAMormon#DrugsAndIDontGetOn #FeelingLoopy #AndNowIHaveAHangover

What no one tells you before you become a mother: you will spend 94.3% of your time trying to get your kids to take care of their personal hygiene, reminding them again and again to remain clothed, and threatening them that if they don't eat the food they just begged you to make, so help me, there will be violence. The additional 5.7% is spent finding things you've never touched, but are apparently expected to know the location of at all times. #IDontKnowWhereYourToysAre #OkSoMaybeTheyWereThrownAway#IDontKnowWhoThrewThemAway #ProbablyBigFoot#AndWhereAreYourClothes #ForTheLove

If you want to feel old, may I suggest working out at the same time as the entire male and female high school powerlifting team? #1 They lift 100 pounds more than me. Literally. #2 They're speaking, and it sounds like English, but I can barely understand what they're saying. I need a class in teenager-ese. #DidITalkThatFastInHighSchool#IDidntUnderstandAWordYouJustSaid #INeedATranslator#AndYesPleaseDownloadThatBarForMe

We get in the car and The Kid hands The Tater something:

The Tater: Thank you, sister.
The Kid: Oh, no, Tater, it was absolutely my pleasure.
#ChickFilAWorkerInTheMaking

When you find out you're expected to do your kid's hair and makeup for her dance recital. I don't even know how to do my own hair and makeup. #WhatExaxtlyIsThePurposeOfBronzer #AndWhereOnEarthDoIPutIt#ImSorryMyKidLooksLikeAClown #ItWasLiterallyTheBestICouldDo

The Kid: I think we should put a jar by the door for everyone to put their change in to give to charity.
Me: Oh, yeah? What charity?
The Kid: Did I say charity? I meant Carolyn.

The Kid: Why are those hot dog things called Sumos? Is it because you get fat when you eat them?
Me: They're called Zumos. Not Sumos.
The Kid: How is that any different?

The Kid woke me up at 3am to relate her nightmare wherein there was a disease going around called "The Dot" and the only cure for it was eating pie. #ThatsNotANightmare #MoreLikeADreamComeTrue #IveGotTheDot#AndTheOnlyCureForItIsMorePie #IWillHaveChocolateLemonAndPecan

Speaking again of my cousin's wedding:
The Kid: Who are her flower girls going to be?
Me: I don't know if she'll have any.
The Kid: Well, that's lame. If she knew what was good for her, she'd ask me.
#OfCourse #HotMess #WeThankYouForYourAdvice

Husband runs his hand up my leg at church and whispers into my ear:
Him: Spanx?
Me: ...*nods head*
Him: You were raised right.
#HeAlwaysKnowsJustWhatToSay #SweetTalk #YouWereBroughtUpRight#SteelMagnolias

If my ability to clean up dropped fruit punch is any indication, I'd be terrible at cleaning up a crime scene that includes blood splatters. #SoDontAskMe#IWillJustBeYourAlibi #ItGetsFreakingEverywhere

The Kid and I discussing the fact that she doesn't have enough money to buy me a gift for Mother's Day:

The Kid: But it's ok, because the best gift you can have is me and Tater, right?
Me: Right. I wanted you and prayed for you for a long time. You're both miracles.
The Kid: Except Tater wasn't much of a miracle because he bit your nipples when you were just trying to feed him, right? I can't believe you kept him around this long.
#MothersDay2017 #MyBabiesAreMiracles#ExceptSometimesWhenTheyreNot#AndTheKidWillRemindMeWhenThoseTimesAre

Received my cousin's wedding invitation in the mail today and was discussing it with The Kid:

The Kid: Did she let him kiss her already?
Me: I assume so.
The Kid: She really should have held out until he bought her a house. He must be a handsome devil.
#SeriouslyWhereWasHerHead #HeMustBeAHandsomeDevil#KissingPreHousePurchaseIsForbidden

Today was The Kid's end-of-the-year music concert wherein she again tried out for and succeeded in securing a solo (I'm pretty sure she was the only one who tried out). And I'll tell you, if it wasn't precisely in tune, at least it was loud. The Tater, however, was overly impressed as he clapped wildly and shouted at the top of his lungs, "THAT WAS AWESOME! THAT WAS AMAZING! WOWEE!"

There's a snake in our yard. A snake. A big. black. snake. The Kid saw it first and you would have thought it was a bear. Not that I blame her. I don't like a snake, myself.  #OhTheStramash #INeedToBorrowASnakeKillingDog#IDontLikeSnakes #AnySnake

Husband: I want some of your candy.
The Tater: You really don't want any.
#JediMindTrick #TheForceIsStrongWithThisOne

I just found The Tater halfway up the driveway with a backpack full of clothes:
Me: Where are you going?
The Tater: I going to the library.
Me: Well, can I have a sugar bye?
The Tater: Yes, please. Now I see you after supper.

When you put a pork roast in the oven to cook overnight and the smell dictates your dreams.  #IDreamOfMeat #PulledPorkSammy

There was a tornado warning today, which The Kid interpreted as an actual tornado:

The Kid: At school, we had to sit in the corner for a long time for the tornado, but my friend and I told everyone Jesus and the Holy Ghost are with us, so we'll be ok.
Me: Well, that was nice.
The Kid: Yeah, but I also made plans with my friend to cook our meals together in case you were already dead.

She said, "Well, other parents were picking up their kids and you never showed up, so I figured you were dead and I thought that I'd just take over your bed if that were true."

Today was the first time in two weeks that I haven't woken up with pain shooting down my back/bum. I plan to be twerking like Miley by tomorrow. With the assistance of Aleve and a heat pack. Because I'm apparently 80. #BackItUpAndDropItDownLow #StartTwerkingLikeMiley#MaybeIShouldGetAWalkerOrACane#AndIWillPutWerthersOriginalsInMyPurse

Me: Can I have a love?
The Tater: That's impossible. Stand back, mama.
#SeeIfIGiveYouAnyMoreCandy