On Facebook - April 2017

The Kid as I'm watching Downton Abbey:

The Kid: Mama, they're doing tex.
Me: What does that mean?
The Kid: It's when you lay in bed talking to a boy. I'd steer clear of it, though. It's bad, bad news.
#DoingTex #BadNews #AbsolutelySteerClear#LooksLikeIveGotSomeExplainingToDo

You know what's awesome about having a hurt back? Instead of actually picking things up off the floor, you get to kind of nudge them around with your feet so they're not in the way. Makes me feel just like one of my kids! #MyHouseLooksLikeATornadoHitIt #CleaningLikeAKid#JustKickItUnderTheCouch

That one time when you feel like you're finally getting back to normal and you re-injure yourself putting on pants. PANTS, FOR THE LOVE. If anyone needs me, I'll be laying on a bag of frozen peas, re-watching Downton Abbey and wishing I had a yellow lab. #HowOldAmI #ClothingIsTheEnemy#PantsAreRidiculous #IReallyDoNeedADog

The Kid as we're discussing money, "Mama, have you checked your credit score recently at Credit Karma? It's free. I understand you can lower your interest rates with good credit." #DoesYourSixYearOldKnowAboutCreditScores

The Kid whined and whined for lunch and then only ate half of her grilled cheese:

Me: Dude, why don't you eat it all?
The Kid: Well, I'm waiting to burp or fart to make more room in my stomach.
#IDidAsk #WhyAreKidsSoGross

The Kid: Mom, is it possible for girls to get abs?
Me: Yes. Aunt Nancy has amazing abs.
The Kid: We should get her a va-kini.
Me: Dude, it's a bikini. Not va-kini.
The Kid: Eh. You say tomato, I say toe-mah-toe.
#ThisIsNotAPronunciationIssue#AlsoWhyDoBothOfMyKidsThinkTheyreBritish

The two best things about hurting your back and moving around the house like a 90-year-old woman: 1. I just saved $750/year on our insurance - without having to leave the house. 2. Binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix and being thoroughly convinced that I should dye my hair red.

The Kid: When am I going to be old enough for Twitter?
Me: I'm not even old enough for Twitter.
The Kid: Better call your mom for permission. And then she can teach you how to use it, too. 
#IdLoveToHearMyMotherExplainTwitter#SheCantEvenCheckHerCellMessages

I've asked The Kid to do exactly three things today. And each time, she's magically afflicted with a different ailment. Currently, her throat is scratchy and she insists she needs to see a doctor. When I reminded her that we have no car she said, "Well, how are we supposed to get McDonald's after we go to the doctor then?! This no car thing is really cramping my style." #CrampingEveryonesStyle #WeCantEvenGetToMcDonaldsForHeavenSake#AndWeCantFeelBetterWithoutMcDonalds

When you put out sunflower seeds for the birds and you go outside to find your child pilfering them from the bird feeder. #IPromiseWeFeedOurChildren #StealingFromTheBirdFeeder

When you leave the gym wanting to cry because the workout just didn't go the way you wanted it to. #ItsApparentlySupposedToBeHard#NextWeekIsAReDo #WhyDoIFeelLikeAnOldLady#WhenImObviouslyStillYoungAndSassy

Putting away tonight's dinner and The Tater walks up behind me and says, "Look at all that beautiful meat!" #HesDefinitelyMyChild#MaternityConfirmed #BeautifulMeat

The Tater just brought me a dead flower:

The Tater: Plug it in.
Me: I can't bring it back to life by plugging it in.
The Tater: Plug in dead tablet. Plug in dead flower.
Me: It doesn't work that way, dude.
The Tater (screaming on the floor): PLUG IT IN!
#IPretendedToPlugItIn #TheThingsWeDoForOurKids #ThisIsMotherhood

When you go out to get Husband a Coke float at it's after 9pm and you're all like, "This makes me feel pleasantly wicked." And then you remember you're a grown up and it's actually normal for grown ups to leave the house after dark. #INeverLeaveTheHouseWhenItsDark #IBarelyLeaveTheHouseAtAll#WhenItsDarkItsTimeToSleep

From The Kid this evening as we were peeling crawfish tails, "You know what I like about crawfish boils? When you eat the potatoes, it makes you feel like your lips are on fire. It's not all together unpleasant." #RaisingHerCajunStyle #LipBurningSpice #SearThoseMembrane

Husband downloaded an entire album from Little Richard and was singing it on the bed last night and this from The Kid, "What kind of music is THIS?! Daddy sounds like a wounded dog."  #DontHoldBack#SayWhatYouReallyThink #WoundedDogMusic

Randomly clicking through the state, national, and international powerlifting records and then checking out the competitors on YouTube. Y'all, the girl who holds the current record legit pulls firetrucks in her spare time, is a former collegiate hammer thrower, has been training for over ten years, and is ten years younger than me. #NoBigDealRight#ImA38YearOldStayAtHomeMom #SameSame

The Tater just came, took my hand, led me to the stairs, sat me down and said, "Mama, we need to talk. I need some apple pieces." #SeriousBusiness#LetsTalkItOver #YouGetInThatKitchenAndMakeMeSomeFood

That one time when you hurry through your morning chores so you can sit down and watch your one hour of weekly TV and then find out the Fixer Upper season is over and the DVR has absolutely nothing for you. #StupidTVSeasons #TheyEndWithoutWarning #FixerUpper#GuessIHaveToDoLaundryInstead

It appears long sleeved t-shirt season is officially over (along with college basketball season). Let the mourning begin in earnest. #WhatAmISupposedToWearNow #ImGoingToNeedToGetSomeTriceps#BatWingsMustGo

Riding my bike to the gym this morning, I was stopped by the Jasper County Sheriff's department because there was a dead deer on the side of the road:

Man: Ma'am, did you see anything in regards to this deer?
Me: I see she's dead.
Man: But you didn't see who killed her?
Me: Well, if you stand here for a while and watch for the car with a smashed in bumper, I bet you'll find out real quick.
#HeWasNotAmused #IWatchCriminalMinds #IKnowHowToCatchAKiller#DoYouThinkIHitItWithMyBike #IMeanIKnowILookPowerfulAndAll

The Kid has recently discovered that I am much more inclined to let her make a mess if she calls it an "experiment". #WellPlayedKid