On Facebook - June 2017

Annual reunion this weekend with the progeny of the Watts girls. The Kid's mind is blown with the amount of cousins that have suddenly appeared in her life (since we live near exactly none of them), "All these people are in our family?! There's like seven million of them!" #NotQuite#TheyJustKeepComing#WeAreAllRelatedAndTheresNothingYouCanDoAboutIt

I just have to put this out there: I consider myself at the very least to be an adequate cook/baker. However, my mother's oven is at least 230 degrees hotter than mine at home no matter what the setting. As such, I have burned literally everything I've put in it this last week despite my very best efforts. #BaconAshAnyone #OrPerhapsAChocolateCakeWithPecanAsh#ICheckedTheCakeAtLeastFortyTimes

Things learned on this trip: 1. It only takes 72 hours of continuous exposure to a single person for The Tater to get used to them. 2. Mice are amazing swimmers. 3. The mail coming is still the most exciting thing going in Ruby Valley. 4. There is nothing in this world more preferable than waking up to a cool morning.

The Tater asked for toast this morning and there's only white bread (at home we eat wheat) in the house. I hand it to him and he freaks out, "I don't want it, white bread! Where's brown bread?" #ICantEvenBeMad#ParentingWin #WhiteBreadIsYuck #BreadSnob

When you have six kids in the house and you make a big bunch of bacon and you turn around to clean up your bacon cooker, and literally before you can turn around again, they descend upon it like the a hoard of locusts. #WheredTheBaconGo #ChildrenAreLikeAThePlaguesOfEgypt#ChildrenICommandYouToDepart #TheWeeHeathens

Attended a bridal shower for a cousin (of which I have hundreds and they're all equally amazing) and brought The Kid along, "Mama! It's like I'm famous here! Everyone is just dying to meet me!" #Paparazzi #SoHardToBeFamous#EverybodyPleaseStepBack

After a thirty minute dice game with my mother, I think it's safe to say she'd be my very last choice for a partner in Vegas. #RollTheDiceBigJudy#NoRollThem #DontDropThem #DiceOnlyGoToSixMom

When you steal your mother's lawnmower while she's teaching her grandchildren to set a gopher trap. #GopherTrappingGrandma#PassingDownThoseTrappingSkills #LawnmowingLoveIsHereditary

Church in Ruby Valley: homemade bread for sacrament and a speaker who says vanity is "wanting a better Tractor than everyone else". #RubyValleyBranchForTheWin #RealLifeLessons #ILoveToBeHome

Mom pulls into a handicapped parking space:

Me: Mom, you can't park here. It's handicapped.
Mom: I deserve it sometimes, ok? I've got problems. That means handicapped.
Me: No, I doesn't.
Mom: Cut me some slack. We have two kids and I'm an old lady. You can't hear and I can't see. We. Are. Handicapped.
#OldLadyGoals #WeAreHandicapped#FirstOneToSayOtherwiseGetsItRightInTheKisser

When you're speaking with your mother and you start to realize that you have the same facial expressions, hand gestures, and speaking patterns. Crap. Call the priest. I need a Judy exorcism. #ExorciseTheDemons#JudyIntervention #IAmMyMother

When you have to sign your life away to get Sudafed. #IAmNotWalterWhite#BreakingBadPartTwo #ForHeavenSake

You know what's not awesome? Being sick while staying at someone else's house. Even if it is your mom's. #AllNightEarAche#WanderingAroundTheHouseAt2am #NoItsNotAThief#UnlessYouCountStealingTheraFluFromTheMedicineCabinet

The best thing about traveling with your mother (other than the sparking conversation): senior discounts everywhere you go. And that includes free entrance into any national park. #OldLadyGoals #TravelCheaply#PickUpARandomSeniorCitizen #AlsoBecauseILoveMyMom

That one time when you have to parallel park in downtown Jackson and you nail it. #NailedIt #PaulNeffWouldBeProudOfThatPieceOfWork#JacksonWyoming #PinkyGsPizza

That one time when you're already away from home and there's a tropical storm predicted to hit right where you live. #Winning #VoluntaryEvacuation#ItsLikeIPredictedTheFuture #IAmazeMyself #TropicalStormCindy

For those of you who've received a second friend request from my mother - she's aware she's been hacked but doesn't know her password to go in and change her password. But she says, "Oh, hey, it's not really a problem because I hardly have any friends on there. I hardly have any friends anywhere!" #OldLadyProblems#WellHowAmISupposedToRememberMyPasswordErin

That one time at breakfast when your mother puts a slice of toasted sweet potato covered with strawberry jam in front of you and explains that she "saw it on TV". Seems legit. #ButItTastesLikeDirt#IMightHaveRolledItUpInMyNapkin

That one time when your sister's friend brings a kayak to the lake and you're all like, "I totally do the rowing machine at the gym sometimes. I got this." Yeah. Sooooooo not the same thing. #TheresWind #AndWaterCurrents#AndImHoldingAThreeYearOldOnMyLap #AndIHaveNoSenseForSteering

My family has unearthed a great treasure - a VHS tape of highlights from the 1996 WHS Lady Leopards basketball season (made by Mama Lana). We. Were. Amazing. I think I'm going to single handedly bring back the double sock trend. And I don't know if it's just the VHS or if we really were just that fast. #WearTwoPairsOfSocksAndRuleTheWorld#SeniorNightWithMyDad #BowlHairCut #NoLeftHandedDribblingSkills#WhoompThereItIs #WeSureFellDownALot

Get on an airplane at 92 degrees and 98% humidity, get off at 55 degrees and 22% humidity. #AlmostHeaven #ButNotWestVirginia#AVacationForMySweatGlands

In a DFW bathroom, two ladies speaking Spanish to one another and The Kid decides to inject herself into their conversation:

The Kid: Hola!
Lady: Hola! ¿Cómo estàs?
The Kid: I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU! I DON'T EVEN SPEAK SPANISH!

As we exit the bathroom, "Mama, that was an amazing opportunity to communicate and practice my Spanish skills!"
#UmYes #PracticingThoseSkillsRightUp #WayToCommunicateTheKid#IfYouDontUnderstandYouShouldAlwaysYellAtPeople#ThenTheyllTotallyUnderstandYou

The Tater talking to himself, "Gotta get on a plane, see grandma, give sugar sugar on the lippy lips. Pucker up, buttercup, grandma!"

When you're trying to pack and both kids have very strong opinions on what should and what should not be packed. Except they think that things like 900 hair ties and two rolls of toilet paper should take precedence over pretty much anything else. #WhoNeedsUndies#ButINeedThisGiantStuffedAnimal #AlsoABagOfCatFood

Do you ever have days where you just shouldn't have gotten out of bed? Today: broke mower belt #1, friend offers husband to go pick up a belt and fix it for me (which he kindly does, giving up two hours of his time). Refuse a ride to the gym from another friend because I have to finish mowing before we leave on a trip. It proceeds to rain heavily for two hours. Two hours after that, I decide to head out and mow what I can before dark. Get halfway done, run over a piece of AstroTurf the neighbor's dog dragged into our yard and break belt #2. #IsThisAFreakingJoke #WhenIsItTimeForBed#TheLawnLooksTerrible #IWantToThrowThingsAndScream#AstroTurfIsInvisibleInRainSoakedGrass

Finally saw Beauty and The Beast. I liked it. I couldn't love it because with every facial expression from The Beast I thought, "Oh, my word! It's Matthew Crawley!" Luke Evans and Josh Gad were my favorite part. The Kid thought it was really something that Hermione was able to make the crossover and find a new boyfriend despite the fact that she felt that Harry Potter really ought to have played The Beast (But, why, mama? Why isn't that Harry in beast form?), which led to a long conversation about how Harry was never Hermione's boyfriend (WHAT?! Don't be ridiculous!) #TheQuestionsNeverEnd#CantBelieveSheQuestionedMyHarryPotterKnowledge#BeautyAndMatthewCrawley

Of course Husband would be at Scout Camp when I have an itchy, sunburned back and my beggar children have run off with my generally heavily guarded back scratcher. Isn't that why we get married? So there's someone around to reach our hard to reach places? #OrDidDavidLarrabeeLeadMeAstray #BobbiKingKnewAThingOrTwoAboutIt

Husband has departed for Scout Camp (entirely against his will) and has only taken half of his usual pillow stash.  #PillowPaloozaForMeTonight#MyPrecious

The Tater just got bucked off his rocking horse and screamed like he was dying. The Kid runs over, pets his hair and starts singing in Japanese, "O yasumi, o yasumi, aishiteiru..." #GoodNightILoveYou#SometimesMyKidsGetAlong #SometimesTheyreSweetToEachOther#CalmedHimRightDown

Much to The Tater's delight, Husband bought oranges at the grocery store yesterday. He's had three today. Every time he wants one, he brings it to me and says, "Mama, crack my orange, please!" #IWillNeverCorrectHim#CrackingAnOrangeIsBetter

That one time when you hit Dillard's, your three-year-old son immediately locates the mannequins in lingerie, heads straight for them, starts running his hands up and down their legs and loudly exclaiming, "Oh, she's so pretty! She's so beautiful!" #NotEmbarrassingAtAll #ReasonsMomDrinks#HeLikesTheLadies

1. Had to do some fancy wrangling to get to town today to have blood work done. Except I didn't know I had to fast. They treated me like a criminal and told me to "just come back tomorrow" even after I'd explained my transportation situation. It was all I could do not to punch someone. 2. I'm reading a book about child behavior. I already know my children could not be more opposite and apparently the way I'm supposed to handle their personalities is also completely opposite (I know, obviously). Absolutely nothing is the same. It makes my head spin.

The Kid was loudly enumerating all of The Tater's offenses for the day when he runs over, stands in front of her, puts his hands on her chest and says, "Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, girl." #CalmHerDown #EasyGirl

That one time when you've been out of homemade jam for two weeks and you've given up all hope of ever being happy again. Then magically, in your wild freezer search (always an adventure at this house) for good ground beef, you unearth an entire quart of the stuff. #MyLifeIsComplete#JamHoarder #INeedMore99CentStrawberries

"Mama, I believe I'm dehydrated. My brain feels fuzzy and my cartwheels are suffering."

The Kid was forced into her first interaction with aerosol hairspray today, "Mama! That's like poison in a can! Are you trying to kill me?" #BetterHopeBigBangsNeverComeBack #TheyRequireOneCanPerDay#PreferablyAquaNet

Command decisions: 1. We will be eating off of paper plates all summer so I can have fun instead of doing dishes. 2. I am going to live in my swimming suit. If you don't want to see me in my swimming suit, don't come over. If you DO want to see me in my swimming suit, you've chosen wisely. I look good.

Yet another example of how uncool I am: I legit just had to Google how to use Snapchat. #IDontKnowWhatImDoing #Obviously#ButNowWeCanBarfRainbows

That one time when you're mowing your lawn, the cutter belt falls off, and as you jump off to fix it, your shorts fall down to your knees....just as the Mormon missionaries pull into the driveway. #HowYouLikeThemApplesElders #HotMess#IveBeenWorkingHardOnMyPosteriorChain #MightAsWellShowItOff#HowYouDoin #LookingsForFree #TouchingsGonnaCostYa

Me: Man, I really want to mow the lawn but the ground is still soggy and it's supposed to rain again this afternoon.
The Kid: Mama! You're a Peters. We don't let rain stop us!
#AintNobodyGotTimeForRain

Carrying a five gallon bucket of water:
The Kid: Man, you're strong!
Me: Well, I workout. Wanna see my muscles?
The Kid: You really are very impressive.
#ThisIsWhyIHadKids #InstantGratification #ConstantPraise#TellMeAgainHowImpressiveIAm

Just heard on the radio that Napa, CA has a super strict 10pm noise curfew. #IShouldMoveThere #OldLadyAtHeart #IveFoundMyPeople#TurnItDownForTheLoveOfAllThatsHoly #AuditorySensitivity

That one time, when after living in your home for a year, you finally (ghetto) fence your pool. And then, two days later, the three-year-old decides to climb that fence and go for a swim all by his onesies. I don't think I've ever moved that fast in my life.

When you've missed the gym and you're trying to workout to YouTube videos at home: 1. Said videos are prefaced by adds for French Toast at IHOP. So delicious. 2. The children keep dropping the cat and all the throw pillows right under your feet, so it's like working out in a field of landmines. 3. The Kid keeps having to "rest" because "I'm just all out of moves, mama. I mean, I can't just make them up at the spur of the moment, you know." 4. The Tater falls down and screams as if he's been dismembered every time you tell him you need the chair to do your lunges with. 5. The Tater also feels that me playing catch with him in the middle of chair lunges is not too much to ask. I assure you, it is. too. much. to. ask. Especially as he's yelling, "Ima throw the football at mama's head!" #AtLeastWeHaveGoodMusic#WearingMyKneeSleeves #LikeABruiser

Speaking to my mother about family reunion planning and this, "Well, Erin, I got some pancake mix and syrup for breakfasts. And a big can of peaches. Oh, and a can of olives." #WellWeDontNeedAnythingElseThen#NowItsAParty #AsLongAsTheresOlivesWeWillPartyTillDawn

The current situation at our house: 1. Spent 30 minutes making homemade play doh. Kids played with it for less than five. 2. The Tater has been up since 4:45 and he's not afraid to let everyone know it. 3. The cat who isn't smart enough to remain hidden is being mauled mercilessly. 4. Cinnamon rolls are rising. 5. The Tater has procured the fly swatter and a small ball. Before taking a wack at the ball, he proceeds to yell, "FORE!" every, single time.  #SummerVacation #MomImBored #IDontWantToDoThat #OrThat#OrThatEither

The Tater, at the ripe old age of 3.5, has figured out how to take his diaper off but categorically refuses to be potty trained:

Me: Dude. If you won't go in the toilet, go outside and pee!
The Tater: I don't pee outside. I don't have any woo-tah in my pee-nee. I already pee by your bed.
#FacePalm #ReasonsMomDrinks #ImAboutToLoseIt