On Facebook - July 2017

The Kid whines and complains about what I've made for dinner. Then I take it out of the oven, "What is that? It smells good! Maybe I'll try it! I smells sour cream worthy!" #TheHighestCompliment #SourCreamWorthy

The Kid: Who invented water?
Me: God.
The Kid: That God is full of good ideas.

The Tater managed to get a ball stuck in a light fixture:

Me: Dude, I can't reach it. We'll have to wait for daddy to get home.
The Tater: Yes, daddy can help! He certainly is a big man, isn't he?

Made the kids EXACTLY what they asked for for lunch. Made myself something different. Immediately, they begin to circle my plate like piranhas:

The Tater: I have some of yours?
Me: NO! THIS IS MY FOOD. Go eat your own!
The Tater: You say, "Yes, ma'am", and you give me that food!

Peeled The Tater an orange for lunch, "Wowee, mama! This orange fruit is very tasty!"

Me: Dude! Where'd you get that huge scrape and bruise on your leg?!
The Kid: I got it doing something you told me not to do so it was necessary to keep it secret.
#ToldYouSo #MotherKnowsBest

Sunday's nap interruption brought to you by: The Tater. The Kid comes running into our room to announce that Tater has made "a sauce" in a giant rubbermaid storage container. It included: a bottle of mustard, a bottle of mayonnaise, a bottle of pepper sauce, a bottle of ketchup, most of my cinnamon, black pepper, cupcake sprinkles, onion powder, and red pepper flakes. On top of that, he'd also managed to leave a massive trail from kitchen to living room that was made up of an entire box of Kosher salt mixed with the remaining cupcake sprinkles.  #LordGiveMeStrength#SweptThreeTimesStillSteppingOnSalt #TaterCannotBeTrusted

When you've been married for ten years wherein you've literally never made peanut butter cookies and then you make them and you find that your husband really preferred peanut butter cookies all along.  #YouDontSay#JustWhenYouThinkYouKnowAPerson

The Kid in her prayers tonight, "Please bless we can get answers to our questions like how I can get mom to buy me a fidget spinner..." #SlyAsAFox

I'm currently following an Instagram series where former BYU students take over the BYU Instagram account to highlight the super awesome jobs they got upon graduation. #ImSurprisedBYUHasntContactedMeYet#PuttingMyDegreeToGoodUse #WipingBumsAndProtectingHumanity#BYUGrad #LetMeTakeOver #ItWouldBeAmazingForAllInvolved

At the gym, sweat rolling off my body:
The Tater: Your arms are so sad.
Me: No, my arms aren't crying. That's sweat.
The Tater: Mama, I feel so sad for your arms.
#SadArmsCry #MyWholeBodyWasCrying

The Kid, who "hates ranch dressing" has just found that I use it in both her favorite potato dish and her favorite meat dish.  #Sucka #MotherKnowsBest#IWillGetYouOneWayOrAnother

After making a trip upstairs to put something away, I came back to find that The Tater had gotten ahold of a black Sharpie and colored the entire top of our dining table. Just as I was about to lose it (it's been a long couple of days, y'all), The Kid came and put her hand on my arm and said, "Don't worry, mama, get some fingernail polish remover and scrub, scrub, that'll come right off! I saw it on a YouTube video."  #ItTotallyWorked#YouTubeForTheWin #MySanityIsSafeForFiveMoreMinutes#TomorrowIsANewDay

Y'all, if I had a dollar for every time I say, "Stop that! You're going to break it!" and, "Dude, you're going to spill it!" and, "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?!?!" during the day, I'd be like a quadrillionaire. #OrAtLeastABillionaire#IDontNeedThemToBreakStuff #IAlreadyBreakEnoughStuffByMyself

Today we turned in our library reading logs for the summer reading club. When I told The Kid it was time to read more:

The Kid: Well, we've already turned in our reading logs so I don't have to read anymore. Unless you're going to give me a prize for reading at home.
Me: Your prize for reading at home is that you won't look like an idiot in second grade.
#YouAreWelcome #WinningAtParenting #ReadAndBeSmart#HaveYouHeardYourMotherIsAGenius #FacebookSaysSo

The Kid: What's wrong, mama?
Me: I'm just feeling a little discouraged.
The Kid: Oh, come on, mama, think about Nephi!
Me: What did Nephi do?
The Kid: "When I am discouraged and think I cannot try, I will be courageous and I will reply, I will go; I will do the things The Lord commands!"
#LessonsFromTheBookOfMormon #ThinkOfNephi#BeingDiscouragedIsForChumps

After three weeks of intense research, I have found that The Caddy gets the best gas mileage at 43 mph. Here I come, forty-three. #IDriveACaddy#AndImGoingToDriveItLikeAnOldLady #RollWithItOrGetOutOfMyWay#CashingInOnGoodGasMilage

I've just taken a vocabulary test on Facebook that says my vocabulary consists of 34,600 words, putting me in the "genius" category along with .08% of the population.  #IGuessedOnThirtyPercentOfTheQuestions#LongestFacebookTestEVER #IfYouPersistUntilTheEndYoureAGenius#FacebookKnowsGeniusWhenItSeesIt #AndItsRightHere#TenPercentOfMyVocabularyIsSwearWords

The Kid: HELP ME, TATER! I NEED HELP!!
The Tater: Nope. I not help you. It's not an emergency.
#HeToldHer #CryingWolf

You know, as the mother of young children, sometimes the price of getting things done is just a bit too much to ask. Immediately following the gym today, I completed two hours of yard work. As I was finishing up, both kids come busting out of the house, completely naked, screaming like they'd cut their own hands off. When I entered the house I found: 1. A half-drowned cat 2. Large puddles of water from one end of the house to the other 3. Poop marks all over the furniture (Tater had removed not one, but TWO dirty diapers - first one to potty train him gets $10 million) 4. A bath tub clogged (yet again) with an entire bar of soap 5. A one-gallon pitcher of red juice spilled on the kitchen counters and floors  #Seriously#IHaveAHeadache #ChildrenForSale#TwoHoursOfOutsideWorkEqualsTwoHoursOfInsideCleanUp#AShowerAndALittleMoTabToCalmDown#IAlsoSacrificedMyFeetToTheFireAnts #ThoseStupidThingsAreEverywhere

The Kid, in a fit of bedtime tears, confessed she's scared to death of second grade. I suggested we make a list of all the things that will be awesome about it. So far the list includes: 1. Pizza Friday 2. Chicken Fried Steak Wednesday 3. Chicken Ring Tuesday #AndThatAboutCoversIt#CafeteriaFoodForTheWin #SheRejectsEverythingISuggest

You know things are really going downhill when your hurt your hand while doing dishes. DISHES, for the love! #ThingsAreFallingApart

The Kid: Let's run down to the dollar store to get some mac and cheese.
Me: We can't. I'm wearing my swimming suit. You only wear your swimming suit to the store in emergencies.
The Kid: But it is an emergency! We're out of mac and cheese!
#GoodCall #ItReallyIsAnEmergency

"Mama, even though it's my birthday, I'm going to go ahead and take a nap. That will give you the opportunity to sneak my presents into the house and wrap them. Just let me know when you're done. I know it will take a while because there's probably a lot of presents." #NailedI

"Well, since it is my birthday and I'm basically the second boss, I will allow The Tater to have a popsicle for breakfast. And for my present, I'd like a baby sister. So go ahead and get me one." #SecondBoss #IWillAllowIt

Am I the only parent in America who's had it up to HERE with summer food rationing? No, child, you CANNOT have your third popsicle of the day. No, you can't have a snack, you literally JUST ATE twenty minutes ago. No, you can't have more chips, you and your brother ate THE ENTIRE BAG yesterday while I was in the shower. No, you already had some juice, you have to drink water. Over it. OVER IT. #IFeelLikeAPrisonWarden#NaturallyTheyDontWantWhatIMakeForDinner#ThereAreAlwaysCrumbsOnTheTable

That's it. I'm starting a Go Fund Me account to buy myself a small tractor. I obviously need one. #NoButSeriouslyIDo #IWillLetOtherPeopleUseItToo

At Husband's request, I purchased 400 foam bullets for The Tater's nerf gun. FOUR HUNDRED. It takes three minutes to load the maximum of 25 bullets. It takes three seconds to shoot them out - straight at the ceiling since he's still not strong enough to hold the gun level. #SevenHoursOfReloading #ForTenMinutesOfActualShooting

An OBGYN appointment with both kids in tow...maybe not the most fun I've ever had. Especially when The Kid asked the ultrasound tech if she could hop up on the table and put her feet in the stirrups "just to see what it feels like". #ItFeelsLikeViolation

Y'all, I am being persecuted. PERSECUTED, I say! My brand new mower drive belt just snapped. For a total of three belts in one month. I've checked everything that I know how to check and found nothing wrong, which leaves only one option: Satan did it. #GetTheeHenceSatan #MyLawnLooksTerrible#YesAgain

Potty training is going to be the death of me. Five accidents in three hours. One success. #ItCantBeThisHard #IveTriedEverything #LiterallyEverything

Two things: 1. The Tater has found his man parts. About every 30 seconds, he pulls his undies out and says, "Oh, there they are! 2. The Tater pronounces "macaroni and cheese" as "wack-a-mo-nee cheese". I don't think I'll ever correct him.

There are several fields we drive by on the way to the gym. This morning, each and every cow in the field was being accompanied by an egret, which I find absolutely hilarious. I pointed it out to The Kid and this, "Well, mama, that's what I'd call a symbiotic relationship."  #OfCourseYouWould#SymbioticRelationship #IJustThoughtItWasFunny

When you're fresh out of patience and it's still two hours till bedtime. #DeepBreathing #HideInTheBathroom #TakeTheJarOfNutellaAndASpoon

The Kid: So, who's your favorite president?
Me: I don't know.
The Kid: I like Abraham Lincoln. Because he was tall and he wore that awesome hat.
#AndThatsAllWeWantInAPresident #TheyReallyShouldBringBackHats.

Rolled out in The Caddy today for the first time. Ways it's better than my old car: 1. It's five years newer. 2. Working AC (!!!!!!) 3. Power windows and locks (I've never owned a car with either one). 4. Working CD player AND tape deck (time to get out the old Air Supply tape!) 5. Working door handles on all doors. 6. Working speedometer (five years without a working speedometer was AWESOME). 7. Working gas gauge. 8. Gas tank that is openable without help from other gas station patrons (most of whom I scared to death when I approached them).

So, basically, it's like a dream. Except maybe if you see The Caddy around town, you don't park next to it. Or behind it. Or anywhere in its vicinity. Because it's like 900 feet long and I'm kind of having difficulty backing it up.
#IDriveACaddy #DoYouNeedARide #OnlyOneDollarPerPassenger

When your kid brings you a cat covered in ketchup and says it's the cat's fault because "he basically dove into it". #OfCourseHeDid#BecauseCatsLoveKetchup #KetchupInTheCatsEar

Weeding a flower bed in Texas when you've been gone for three weeks is enough to make a saint swear.  #AndIAintNoSaint #WeedsToMyElbows#AndIHaveToWeedBetweenThornyRoseBushes #RipEmAllOutISay#Its972DegreesOutside #BathingInMyOwnSweat#HowsThatForAMentalPicture

Standing around the corner listening in to The Kid trying to convince The Tater to play a game to which he is vehemently opposed, and The Kid starts singing, "Carolyn knows best, take it from your Carolyn, it'll be fun, I swear...."  #TooMuchTangled #MyLifeIsAMusical#SaveTheDramaStickWithMama

The Kid has been watching a YouTube show called "Real or Fake", which investigates whether videos and pictures on the internet are real or fake (hence the creative name), which has been freaking her out. When I suggested she stop, she said, "But Mama, I have to watch it so I know what's out there and I don't die."  #GoodPoint #RealOrFake

That one time when your fresh-out-of-the-bath three-year-old, in a show of extreme boyishness, decides now is the prime time to kick the cat that's casually strolling by. Unfortunately, he fails to account for the towel on the backswing, which naturally, takes him out and he proceeds to face plant on the bathroom floor, producing copious amounts of blood spurting from his nose and lips that drips onto your literally-just-washed-it bathroom rug. When asked if he's ok, "NO! That cat is too big!"  #ItsCalledKarmaDude#HoldStillWhileIShoveATamponUpYourNose

When your kids refuse to eat homemade macaroni and cheese because you made it with rotini noodles and those "taste funny". #IMightStrangleYouChild #HowDoesABigFatPlateOfNothingSound#WhiningIsApparentlyWhatsForDinner

1. It is 90 degrees with 230,457% humidity which = hotter than hell. 2. It took us 32 hours yesterday, but we finally changed the belt on the lawnmower. We are now the owners of a brand new socket set. 3. Had a MASSIVE sunscreen fail while mowing the lawn and am now sitting in bed heavily anointed (and quite sulky) with apple cider vinegar and lavender oil at the hands of The Kid who has never understood the term, "Dude! Be gentle!" 4. I'm pretty sure my ear is getting MORE clogged. How can that even happen at sea level? 5. After three kid-free weeks, The Cats are now back in hiding.

Travel hangovers: totally a real thing. #MyKidsAreNotExperiencingOne#IAmExperiencingOne #PleaseJustLetMeSleep #CantThinkCoherently#INeedABreakfastBurrito

1. I dropped $35 cash out of my pocket on our first flight. Makes me want to hurl. 2. Before I dropped my cash, I paid $1 for a banana. One. Single. Banana. 3. I love flying out of SLC early in the morning and seeing all of the brand new, baby missionaries. I just want to hug them and say, "Welcome to the hardest two years of your life (until now). Bless you!" 4. You know what's awesome about flying with a clogged ear? Absolutely. Nothing. Is. Awesome. About. It. 5. I am hoping for a nap when I get home...maybe after I mow the lawn. Because I've missed my lawnmower.

The Kid at the family reunion lunch yesterday:

The Kid: I'm going to go outside and sit with my family. Look! There's one in a BYU shirt!
Me: Yeah, sit by that one. Not the one in the nasty red shirt.
#ParentingWin #WinnersWearBYUShirts

When you're cooking with your mother and she keeps turning down the heat on your pans and asking, "Erin, do you really need that much butter?!" #YesMomIDo #WhyArentThingsCooking #DontTouchTheStoveMom

When you send the-one-who-always-wakes-up-early along camping with her cousins (insert evil laugh here) and the other one is still sleeping, you feel pleasantly wicked still being in bed at 7:20. #TheDogJumpedOnTheBedAt6 #OrElseIMightStillBeSleepingToo