From The Tater, “Mama, how about we go home and you do some laundry and then we snuggle and take a nap?” #AKidAfterMyOwnHeart
When you go to pay your property taxes on the last possible day and end up in a line a mile long where everyone but you knows someone else but they talk to you like you’re family anyway. #SmallTown#PartyAtTheCourtHouse #HowsYourMomAndThem
After 10 days of circling and posturing, The Battle For Total Domination was fought last night at Casa de Peters. Ultimately, The Cat came away the victor as Doug The Wonder Dog came away with a bloody ear and a bruised ego. #ThatsAMeanCat #TheDogWasProperlyCowed #WhosInChargeHere
That one time when you’re watching the lunar eclipse and three minutes before totality, the moon dips behind the trees and you miss it. 🌙#AntiClimactic #CutDownAllTheTrees
That one time when you finally feel strong enough to go through all of the baby clothes but instead you find yourself boo hooing on the phone to Husband about how you just can't do it. But then, immediately after you hang up the phone, the four-year-old comes running into the room and slams his elbow into your face (while trying to execute an "amazing spin"), giving you a bloody nose and you think, "You know, I might just be strong enough after all."
On the way home from church yesterday, there were cows right by the road:
The Tater: That’s a bull, he has horns.
The Kid: Horns don’t make a bull, Tater, test-mi-cles do.
The Kid: Horns don’t make a bull, Tater, test-mi-cles do.
Today during church, The Kid was being extra squirmy:
Me: What are you doing?
The Kid: I’m trying really hard to die.
Me: Why?
The Kid: So I can go be with Grandpa Paul and Aunt Carolyn.
Me: You know if you go to be with them you can’t be with me, right?
The Kid: I’m pretty sure I’ll like them better anyway.
The Kid: I’m trying really hard to die.
Me: Why?
The Kid: So I can go be with Grandpa Paul and Aunt Carolyn.
Me: You know if you go to be with them you can’t be with me, right?
The Kid: I’m pretty sure I’ll like them better anyway.
A house right by the church was toilet papered last night and this from The Kid, “Whoever did that should be ashamed of themselves! They’ve gone and wasted perfectly good toilet paper!” #SomeoneBuysThatToiletPaperYouKnow#MamaDidYouEverToiletPaperSomeone #YouShouldBeAshamedToo
I’m in the bathroom getting ready for church when The Tater starts screaming at the top of his lungs:
The Tater: Move your leg! Get out of the way!
The Kid: Oh, Tater, you’re being over dramatic.
The Kid: Oh, Tater, you’re being over dramatic.
My life goal used to be to travel the world and write for Lonely Planet. Now, my life goal is to make it through an entire bedtime routine without my kids saying they can’t find their toothbrushes. #Goalzzzzz#YourToothbrushIsLiterallyOnTheBathroomCounter
The Kid: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: You’ll have to buy your own toilet paper. You’ll literally be spending money on something you flush down the toilet.
The Kid: I’m not going to buy toilet paper. I’m going to buy seeds.
Me: Seeds for what?!
The Kid: For plants so I can use leaves instead of toilet paper. It’s renewable.
#OhOfCourse #BumWipingLeaves
Me: You’ll have to buy your own toilet paper. You’ll literally be spending money on something you flush down the toilet.
The Kid: I’m not going to buy toilet paper. I’m going to buy seeds.
Me: Seeds for what?!
The Kid: For plants so I can use leaves instead of toilet paper. It’s renewable.
#OhOfCourse #BumWipingLeaves
The Tater: Do you have lots of hearts?
Me: I just have one.
The Tater: Is it just really big?
Me: It’s normal size.
The Tater: I think you have three hearts. One for me and one for sister and one for daddy.
#Truth #MyHearts
Me: I just have one.
The Tater: Is it just really big?
Me: It’s normal size.
The Tater: I think you have three hearts. One for me and one for sister and one for daddy.
#Truth #MyHearts
The Tater had a rough night and slept in this morning. When he woke up just now, he found me in he kitchen:
The Tater: Why do you get up, mama? Can we just snuggle in bed and eat some bacon?
Me: Uh...I guess so.
The Tater: Come on. You’re so beautiful, mama.
#ImSuchASucker
Me: Uh...I guess so.
The Tater: Come on. You’re so beautiful, mama.
#ImSuchASucker
Got home from work last night to find The Kid dressed in a dance costume wearing copious amounts of makeup:
The Kid: Mama, can’t I please enter the beauty pageant?
Me: What would you do for the talent portion?
The Kid: Well...I can hop on one leg and talk at the same time. I bet that would be the best talent there.
#ImSureItWould #JustLikeLittleMissSunshine
Me: What would you do for the talent portion?
The Kid: Well...I can hop on one leg and talk at the same time. I bet that would be the best talent there.
#ImSureItWould #JustLikeLittleMissSunshine
The Cat hates The Dog so much, he is now willing to cuddle up with The Tater, Mauler Extraordinaire, for protection. #DesperateTimesDesperateMeasures
When your home teacher, who used to work for a master chef, comes over just to make your family dinner. #LoveOneAnother#HeSpeaksMyLoveLanguage #ItInvolvedCreamAndGarlicAndBread#AndStrawberryShortcake
Me: Do you have your shoes on?
The Tater: Yes!
Me: No, you don’t.
The Tater: (gasp) What has happened? They have disappeared!
The Tater: Yes!
Me: No, you don’t.
The Tater: (gasp) What has happened? They have disappeared!
In other news, turns out Doug is terrified of thunderstorms. #ItWasALongNight
There’s going to be a point in my life where I’m allowed to go to the bathroom by myself again, right? I mean, RIGHT?! #MomsInTheBathroomTimeToParty#HowManyPeopleCanWeFitInTheBathroom #AndNowWeHaveAddedADog
We’ve been dog owners for six hours and here’s what we’ve learned so far: 1. This 45 pound dog thinks he’s a lap dog. 2. If he’s going to be outside, he has to be on a leash or he goes wherever his nose takes him. 3. For having the shortest legs on the planet, he’s got hops. 4. Ground beef is not safe on the stove. And our dinner is now in his belly. 5. There is still a dispute going on over his name - but it looks like Doug (and therefore, Husband) is going to win. 6. We may have alienated our cats for good by bringing him home.
Husband: I hate dogs! I hate cats!
The Kid: Well, then why do we have cats?
Husband: Because I love your mother more than I hate cats.
The Kid: Well, then why do we have cats?
Husband: Because I love your mother more than I hate cats.
Me: Dude, what should we do today?
The Tater: Absolutely nothing.
#MyKindOfKid
The Tater: Absolutely nothing.
#MyKindOfKid
That one time when you’re in the middle of a massage and a song comes on the overhead and before you know it, you and the male patient are in a full-blown duet of A Thousand Miles a la White Chicks. #HowDidYouKnow#ILoveThisSong #HeStartedIt #AlwaysAPartyAtWilsonChiropractic#ISingWhenIMassage #AtNoExtraCost #YouAreWelcome
Made a deal to forgive the remainder of The Kid’s debt (a whopping $1.24) for a 20 minute foot massage. For at least five minutes of the massage, she proceeded to run her hands up and down my legs while chanting, “Make that mo-nay! Make it rain!”
This morning: gathering pieces of ice to experiment how various thicknesses would react in various situations. On the way back to the house, I dropped the biggest piece:
Me: Ah, crap, I dropped the best one!
The Kid: That’s ok, mama. Let’s call this an experiment in how to remain positive in any situation.
#ExperimentInPositivity #AndAlsoInBreakingIceWithHammers
The Kid: That’s ok, mama. Let’s call this an experiment in how to remain positive in any situation.
#ExperimentInPositivity #AndAlsoInBreakingIceWithHammers
Husband is in bed watching Netflix and I jump up to leech his heat, “Mmmmm....you smell good. Just like fried chicken.”
It is currently icing at our house - not snow, not sleet, and not hail. There’s approximately four one millionths of an inch of accumulation on our porch steps and guess who just almost fell and broke a hip going out to get the mail. #SoSlippery #TheRoadsAreASkatingRink #TheCaddyNeedsChains#ImStayingHomeUntilSaturday
The Kid has gone into debt to both her father and me to purchase two things she HAD to have. As such, she’s just had her first experience with the loan officers setting the terms and demanding payment. And guess what? This system is apparently “really, really unfair”. #WeDidntEvenAskForInterest #AndThisIsWhyWeDontGoIntoDebt#HerDaddyNowOwnsHerSonicGiftCard #IWantColdHardCash
Papa John’s has opened in our town, in direct competition with Pizza Hut, but does that even matter in Casa de Peters? No, it does not. Because our home’s Pizza Nazi “does not like Papa John’s sauce choice.” #TheirSauceIsGrodyMama
The Kid has a talk today in primary. I asked her if she wanted me to help her write some things down so she'll remember what she wants to say and, "No thanks, mama. I've got everything I need stored in my little noggin here." #ImTerrifiedOfWhatsInHerNoggin #YouNeverKnowWhatSheWillSay
The Tater walks into our bedroom, wedges himself between me and his father in our bed and whispers, “Don’t worry mama, you’re my girl. Let’s have a sugar on the lippy lips.”
In order to quell fights, I now read in the hallway right in between rooms so both kids can hear. But, this way I can’t tell when kids fall asleep and often read way longer than they’re listening. Tonight:
Me: Are you asleep?
(No answer from The Kid)
The Tater: Yes, I am!
Me: (laughing) No, you’re not!
The Tater: Stop laughing! I am sleeping so hard!
(No answer from The Kid)
The Tater: Yes, I am!
Me: (laughing) No, you’re not!
The Tater: Stop laughing! I am sleeping so hard!
Heard Justin Timberlake’s new song, “Filthy” today where one of the main lyrics is, “put your filthy hands all over me” and look, I get it’s supposed to be sexy and stuff, but all the mother in me could think was, “Man, that sounds terrible. I spend a good portion of every day asking my four-year-old to keep his filthy hands OFF of me.” #DontTouchMe#GoWashYourHandsTheyreFilthy #AndNowYouSeeWhyImAFailureAtFlirting
When you run out of the bougie face lotion your husband gifted you so you run down to The Walmart and buy your old brand and immediately have a severe allergic reaction wherein your face feels like it’s going to fall off and you tell husband and he shows up at your place of work to take you to lunch bearing another bottle full of the good face lotion. #ThisManIsASaint#10MillionHusbandPoints #HeKnowsTheLadiesAtTheCliniqueCounter#ILoveRunOnSentences
When an elderly man schedules a massage so he can learn how to give his wife a massage and then when you comment on what a sweet thing that is he says, “You have to understand, my wife is special. She’s my treasure.” #MenAroundTheWorldTakeNote #ThisIsHowYouDoIt #50YearsOfMarriage
When your kid, who literally survives on corn dogs and Nutella sandwiches asks for fish for dinner. #WhatchuTalkinBoutWillis#WhoAreYouAndWhatHaveYouDoneWithMySon #CleanedHisPlate#SalmonIsSoooooTasty
Me: Hey, dude, let’s go to the library.
The Tater: That sounds absolutely terrific. We’re amazing readers in this family!
The Tater: That sounds absolutely terrific. We’re amazing readers in this family!
Came to school to eat lunch with The Kid. One of her classmates introduced herself, “Hi! My name is Alexis and I lie to my mother.” #Terrific#AreYouEvenTellingTheTruthNow
When you go to the gym and find you have Nutella on your workout clothes. #SeriouslyDude #AtLeastActLikeYouBelong
How morning goes in my house:
Me: Did you get your pants?
The Tater: No. But I got some chocolate chips!
Me: Dude. You need pants.
The Tater: No, thanks, I’m good.
The Tater: No. But I got some chocolate chips!
Me: Dude. You need pants.
The Tater: No, thanks, I’m good.
Our neighbors up the road have their cattle in a temporary corral right by the road:
The Kid: I bet those cows are planning an escape.
Me: What makes you say that?
The Kid: Mama, don’t you know that all animals in big groups like that are always planning something sneaky?
#SneakyAnimals #TheyreAlwaysPlanningSomething#TrickseyLittleHobbitses
The Kid: I bet those cows are planning an escape.
Me: What makes you say that?
The Kid: Mama, don’t you know that all animals in big groups like that are always planning something sneaky?
#SneakyAnimals #TheyreAlwaysPlanningSomething#TrickseyLittleHobbitses
That one time when The Kid walks into the bathroom saying she’s fixed her hair for church and she looks like Hamish from Braveheart. #OhItsWonderful #ILoveHowYouveTiedYourHairInKnots #YallSeriously#ISwearWeWashAndBrushHerHair
A glimpse into my life so far today:
“Mama, Do piranhas eat bananas?”
“Mama, what’s the smallest breathing thing?”
“Mama, if you were a monkey would you like other monkeys?”
“Can cats blow bubbles? Well, can they whistle?”
“If you have another baby, I hope it’s a chinchilla.”
“Mama, I don’t know what it is, it’s a noise coming out of my bum.”
“Mama, what’s the smallest breathing thing?”
“Mama, if you were a monkey would you like other monkeys?”
“Can cats blow bubbles? Well, can they whistle?”
“If you have another baby, I hope it’s a chinchilla.”
“Mama, I don’t know what it is, it’s a noise coming out of my bum.”
The Kid has just walked into my room requesting a washable marker so she can draw a “third eye” on her forehead to be able to “cleanse and purify and feel the spirits around her” and also so she can “be all seeing”. #UmmmmOk #WhyNotDrawAFourthEyeAsWell#JustThinkWhatYouCouldDoWithThatOne
When you’re in bed and Husband is up showering and the kids are running pell mell around the house so you roll over to look at the clock and see how egregious your laziness is and it’s 5:30am. Five. Thirty. AM. #ItsStillChristmasBreak #NoOneHasToGoAnywhereUntil8
As I’m trying to concentrate on a project I’m making, The Tater comes over, grabs my face, and turns me to look at him:
Me: What do you want, dude?
The Tater: I want to make you happy. Pucker up, buttercup.
The Tater: I want to make you happy. Pucker up, buttercup.
When it’s currently warmer with 10% higher humidity in Ruby Valley, Nevada than in southeast Texas. #TwilightZone #FeelsLike22 #JustLikeTaylorSwift#BabyItsColdOutside #TheTexansAreFreezing #HotChocolateAndFootball
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