On Facebook - September 2016

The Kid to another kid at The Children's Museum, "We have to share with the baby or something bad will happen to us. It's called karma." #NailedThatConcept #SheTotallyGetsIt

The Kid is quite thrilled with her new tumbling class and all of the training she is receiving. She's been doing what she calls "hand stands", which are really just donkey kicks:

The Kid: Can you do a handstand?
Me: Nope, I can't.
The Kid: That means I'm decidedly more talented than you.
#DonkeyKicksAreTalent

Out on the porch stargazing last night:

The Kid: Do you see The Big Dipper?
Me: Nope, I don't.
The Kid: Well, it does take a lot of imagination to see Ursula Major.
Me: It's just Ursa Major.
The Kid: Well, whatever. You still can't see it.
#UrsulaMajor #ItsNotABearItsAOctopusWoman#WhateverItsCalledYouCantSeeIt

Today I....mowed the entire lawn without sweating (and that's saying something), made bread and actually remembered to put all the ingredients in (but made the ugliest loaves ever), went swimming and had to get out at 5 because it was TOO COLD, opened all the windows in the house for the first time since living here, had to make myself up an apple cider vinegar cocktail (which really is a cure-all, but can't someone make it taste better? It is like fire going down your throat), and ate Nutella on graham crackers and almost died of happiness.  #IsItBedtimeYet #ThatsAllINeedToFinishThisDay

The Kid: Why is there always marrying at the end of Disney shows?
Me: Because that's how you get to be the happiest - getting married and having a family.
The Kid: And also having a boy to kiss all the time would make you happy.
#PuckerUpButtercup #ImaKissYouRightOnTheMouth

Had a super fun conversation with Officer Cunningham of the Jasper County Sheriff's office early this morning about catching that "meth cooking bastard" neighbor of mine. After assuring me he "wanted him", he proceeded to encourage me to "aim for his knee caps" should I decide to fire upon said individual. #YesSir #MaimHimForLife

Sixty-one degrees and ninety-five percent humidity today. I can literally see the water rolling off the trees. After a night of precious little sleep, I doubt there's a better activity than sitting in the almost-cold cross breeze created by open windows, partaking of a PBJ, and talking to the two-year-old about Dory. #PleaseHelpMeGetThroughThisDay #WhyDoMyChildrenHateSleep

That one time when you move away from "the city" to get away from your drug dealing neighbors and unknowingly move in right down the road in the country from people who exploded their last house cooking meth (which is why they have to live in a Tuff Shed now), and then the police come to cart them off and they run and are at large and "considered armed and dangerous". #Outstanding #WeAreAwesomeAtPickingNeighbors#IAmAlsoArmedAndDangerous #DontMessWithMe

Husband purchased several packs of gum last night and this morning The Kid was angling to have one, "I just need one pack. He can keep the rest because he's going to want to keep his breath up. Nice and refreshing. Because he has to talk to people." #FinancialAdvisorWithRefreshingBreath#WeWillPutItOnHisBusinessCards

Just made a double batch of bread and as I'm putting it in the oven, realize I've added neither butter nor salt. I take the dough out and try to knead it in and it's just not going to work for me. That's what I get when I try to listen to self-improvement podcasts and bake at the same time.  #ImproveThis#ICanOnlyDoOneThingAtATime#ObviouslyIShouldBeListeningToMemoryImprovementWorkshops

The Kid starts smacking herself on the forehead:

Me: What are you doing?
The Kid: Trying to keep Satan out.
Me: I don't think it's going to work.
Husband: But keep trying just in case.

Pot roast for dinner tonight and this from The Kid, "I'm going to need a whole lot of that meat because meat is good for your muscles and I need to keep my muscles up because I want my body to look like Mariah's."

I lost The Tater for a few minutes this morning and when I finally found him, he was outside sitting on top of my car smacking himself with the antenna. #BecauseWhereElseWouldHeBe #ReasonsMomDrinks

Does anyone else ever have those mornings where you literally question whether or not you're speaking in tongues to your children? Like, "I was speaking English when I asked her seven times to get her shoes on, right?!"

The Kid is convinced that her entire school gets a day off on Friday because I told her teacher they needed a break. #TheAllPowerfulMother#ItsActuallyATeacherWorkDay

Third least-favorite role as a mother (#1 Puke cleaner-upper, #2 Referee): trying to explain to a two-year-old that the reason his electronic device has quit working is because it's dead and needs to be plugged in and not used for a prolonged period of time.  #GoesOverLikeALeadBalloon#IfOnlyElectronicDevicesChargedOnTantrumScreams#ThenTheyWouldNeverBeDead

I just love it when both kids are awake before 4:30am. It gives us time to do so many more activities. #LikeRunningAroundTheHouseScreaming#AndEatingWolfBrandChili #AndFightingOverProperDetectiveProceedures#BecauseWeCantWaitUntil6ForThoseThings

At the end of every day, I try to sit with The Kid and tell her positive things about herself and last night, this, "Mama, I know you're proud of me. I'm a pretty amazing kid. Now, we have to figure out how you can be proud of The Tater, too, because it's probably hard to be proud of him when he has such bad manners."  #ImAwesomeButHeNeedsWork #IHopeHesStillSalvageable

The Kid was going through the medicine cabinet:

The Kid: What's this?
Me: Anti-aging serum.
The Kid: What does it do?
Me: Makes you look younger.
The Kid: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! HURRY UP AND PUT IT ON!
#ApparentlyIReallyNeedIt #WhatAmIWaitingFor #IHaveBeenRem

What I wish someone had told me before becoming a mother: 1. Everything I learned with kid #1 is absolutely null and void on kid #2. 2. I will NEVER feel like I'm doing it right. 3. I will feel frustration and pride within seconds of each other and with equal intensity. 4. I will NEVER react to be woken up in the middle of the night like the mothers on TV - I generally have to refrain from swearing. 5. I can only ask a kid to do something three times before I completely lose it - and apparently that's what it takes for them to do the thing I required in the first place. #MotherhoodIsNotForWeenies#ImGoingToNeedALittleTasteOfSuccess

There's a little boy in The Kid's class who keeps hugging her and pulling her hair, "I told him to knock it off or I'd knock him into next week. I liked him better when he sat still and didn't talk." #ViolenceBegetsLove#BoysAreFromMars #TheKidIsFromNinjaClass

How my morning is going: The Tater wants to make his own toast. So, I give him bread. He makes the toast. He "can't" eat the toast. He throws the toast on the floor. The dog eats the toast. The Tater wants the toast back. He can't have it back. He throws a fit, smacks his head on the cabinet, falls off of the counter (where he insisted he sit while waiting for his toast), and continues to scream, "That's a BAAAAAAD DOG!"  #GoodMorning#ImGoingToEndUpInTheLoonyBin #HeavenHelpMe

There's a stray Tom Cat who keeps spraying my back door. I was joking around about exterminating it and this from The Kid, "Mama, you know it's not polite to kill animals that aren't yours." #NiceManners#YouDontKillPeopleYouDontKnow #ThatsARule

That one time when it's Johnny Appleseed day at school and due to your amazing talent at peeling apples, you volunteer to peel and slice an apple for each student in your child's class so they can make applesauce. Do you know how long it takes to peel and slice nineteen apples? Seven hundred years. #CantIJustBuyApplesauce#JohnnyAppleseedDidntEvenKnowWhatApplesauceWas

The good news for today: The Tater is exactly tall enough to smack his forehead on the bench press bar. Even more good news: he forgets every three seconds that he's exactly tall enough to smack his forehead on the bench press bar. #ISwearHesNotAbused#HeadInjuriesWontAffectHisFutureRight

Me: Let's go see if we can fold the laundry.
The Tater: Nope. I already fold the laundry last week.

That one time when it's the middle of September and it still feels like 105 degrees. This does not please me. #IWasSupposedToLiveInRussia#IWasAPolarBearInAFormerLife #WhyMustIDieOfHeatStroke

Husband promised The Kid a movie night if she'd help me clean up without whining, which she promptly did, "Mama! Are you ready for entertainment night? Are you ready for your mind to be BLOWN?!"  #YesIAm #BlowMyMind#AndAlsoMakeMeSomeFries

The thing you forget about having a dog: after getting out of the shower, you must get dressed as quickly as possible or you might end up with a wet nose in a place you don't want it.  #Aieeeeee #StopThatDog#TheKidSaysTheDogIsUnappropriate

Turns out it's not just people The Tater thinks shouldn't be near me, it's Part-Time Dog as well. Anytime she gets anywhere close, The Tater runs over and shouts, "NO! 'Coot Oba!"  #ImHis #AndNoOneElseCanTouchMe#Ever  #EspeciallyDaddy

The Kid: I'm trying to decide if I want to be a cheerleader or a twirler.
Me: Uh, how about a doctor instead?
The Kid: Even doctors have hobbies, mama.
#AndThatHobbyIsCheerleading

The Tater has taken to calling himself by his favorite characters from his favorite shows: George Pig and Sadness. Unfortunately, this relegates me to the roles of Mama Pig and Disgust. #DaddyPigIsAnger#SisterIsPeppaAndJoy #WhyCantIBeJoy

The Kid upon entering the car yesterday, "Mama! Good news! We're doing a fundraiser and we're selling everyone's favorite candles!" #ShesWorkingIt#YankeeCandles #IfYouWantOnePleaseLetMeKnow#WorstFundraisingMomEVER

I love spending an entire hour cooking dinner only to have my child tell me how gross it is. - No Mother EVER
#SorryYouDontLikeIt #ImHavingAHardTimeCaring#ItsBeenALoooooooongDay

Apparently The Kid has been running laps at recess at school to "train" for her next run out of the Cougar tunnel with The Paw Pack, "Mama, there's a new girl at school, but I told her I couldn't play with her until after I was through with my training lap. She found a new friend before I was finished." #NextRunIsTomorrowNight#YouKnowInCaseYouWantToSeeAwesomenessInAction

When you're so excited to get yourself an ice cold Dr Pepper and enjoy your guilty pleasure, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team as soon as the kids are in bed, and then you realize it's not Thursday, it's stupid Wednesday.  #MakingTheTeam#TheyShouldWorkAsHardOnCuringCancerAsTheyDoOnTheseCheerleaders#TheCureWouldHaveBeenFoundYearsAgo 
#WednesdayIsTheRedHeadedStepChildOfTheWeek

The Kid: London is in America.
Me: Naw, it's in England.
The Kid: Oh, well, I thought I was America because they talk like us except more fancy. Must be because they live by the queen.
#FancyEnglish #TheQueenAppreciatesTheEffortImSure

I made the egregious mistake of telling my kids that if they'd let me rest alone in my room for 30 minutes, I'd take them swimming. Fast forward 17 minutes and they've been in here every 1.7 minutes asking if it's been 30 minutes yet.  #NopeNotYet#IHaveToRestBecauseBOTHOfThemWereInMyBedLastNight#ImAboutToGetMean

The Kid had a doctor appointment in town today, so we took her out of school, "I'm so happy to have the day off. That way I'm free to make my own decisions." #DayOff #ExactlyWhatDecisionsNeedToBeMade

The Kid's class has adopted one of the high school football players and they will give him a basket of junk (which preferably will be blue to match school colors) on Friday before "the big game", "Mama, I was thinking about some gum so he can have nice breath when he kisses his best girl." #GoodThinking #ThatWayWeBlessTwoLives

It took The Tater approximately 45 seconds yesterday to root out the peanut butter Twix Husband brought me. When I got out of the shower, his face and hands were covered in chocolate:

Me: Dude, did you eat my Twix?!
The Tater: No! I don't!
#OfCourseYouDont

When you wake up feeling just crappy enough to want to stay in bed, but well enough to be guilt-ridden about doing so. And then the smoke alarm goes off because as you were debating with yourself, the two-year-old has put a corn dog in the microwave for four minutes. #GoodMorning#HelloReality  #AsIfYouCouldEverJustStayInBed

The Kid when she gets in the car at school, "Picture day is tomorrow so that means I only have one night to pick out my outfit. I was thinking my purple cat shirt and those orange stretchy shorts." #ColorCoordinated#OfCourseSheWantsToWearACatShirt#TheOnlyThingBetterWouldBeAWolfShirt

At the very least, I consider myself an adequate cook. I'm not amazing, but I can read and follow a recipe with the best of them. That being said, in the last week, I've made at least three things that are completely inedible. What's happening?! #OneWasSoGrossEvenTheStrayDogsWouldntEatIt#AndThatsSayingSomething#BecauseTheyAteSomeMoldyGreenBeansLastWeek

Got an email today where the subject line was, "I Have The Answers To All Of Your Questions". #Finally #IveBeenWaitingForYou#TellMeCanYouAnswerAllOfTheKidsQuestionsToo#BecauseThatWouldReallyBeSomething

When you catch your kid singing "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister:

Me: What's that you're singing?
The Kid: The awesomest song ever written.
#WinningAtParenting #ThanksToDaddy  #RockAndRollAtThePetersHome

The Black Mystery Dog (which shall henceforth be known as "Part-Time Dog") joined us again on our morning constitutional (running directly in front of me once, nearly causing me to throw out a hip...I'm not kidding, it's sore. Like a grandma. Luckily, I was able to stay on my feet, not ending up in a heap on the asphalt), and has spent the day here with us. The Tater, who really feels that ALL DOGS ought to fetch is not impressed with Part-Time Dog's non-fetching proclivities. After several attempts at enticing PTD with various thrown materials, he turned to me and said, "Mama, doggy's broken." #JustFetchItForTheLove #TheDogHasOtherRedeemingQualities#LikeSheDoesntBiteWhenATwoYearOldTriesToRideHer  #OrPullsHerEars#WouldItBeWrongToNeverTakeHerBackToHerHouse

The Tater is FINALLY showing some interest in the potty - but only after bath time. He climbs up on the stool, turns around and says, "I can't do it, mama! I ran out of pee!" #IDontKnowHowToPottyTrainABoy

Had a dream last night that I was enrolled in a tap class and I'd ordered a blue sequined leotard and high heeled tap shoes. Because apparently my subconscious is fancy.

The Kid's request for dinner: chicken noodle soup and refried beans. Because that goes together.

Now every time The Tater asks me to tickle his arm, he whispers, "Oh, that's so beautiful!"

Got to the gym and just wasn't feeling it. So instead, I held a one person impromptu Zumba class. Right in the middle of the cardio room. Because that's the only place big enough to move that much. And let me tell you, doing so officially made me the town weirdo - you should have seen the looks that were coming my way....I might as well have had two heads. #ImNotWeirdIJustDontWantToWorkOut #DancingIsForWinners#GirlsJustWannaHaveFun

There should be certain times in your life where you have an "exercise bank". Like when your two-year-old kicks you in the kidneys all night long, you can wake up and be all like, "Yeah, I have large deposits in my exercise bank, so I can skip this morning. And also the entire rest of the month." #ExerciseBank #WhyDoIHaveToExerciseEveryDay#BecauseIdLookLikeABelugaWhaleIfIDidnt#IMightLookLikeABelugaWhaleAnyway

After trying to explain to The Kid why love bugs are stuck together all the time, this, "Man, I never want to be in love. Being stuck together with a boy like that would not be my favorite thing." #IDidntMentionThatTheBoyBugDiesWhenTheyreDone

When your kid wakes up with labored breathing and a cough like a barking chihuahua, you keep her home from school. But, apparently said cough and inability to breathe deeply don't actually hamper her in any way as she's chasing her brother around the house, screaming as loudly as she can with a hoarse voice. #IfYoureSickYouShouldActSick#MaybeSheCouldNotActSickAtSchool  #SoundsHorribleLooksFine

Thank you to everyone for the fabulous birthday wishes! I had maybe the best birthday I've EVER had on Saturday - Husband worked extra hard to make me feel special, made delicious food, gave thoughtful gifts, and let me keep the thermostat on 72 the entire weekend. I have a feeling 38 is going to be a winner of a year! #HappyBirthdayToMe #Big38#IAskedToKeepMyBirthdayMinionsAllYear #RequestDenied

Roughly once a week, I get this crazy delusion that I will be able to take a long, hot bath all by my onesies.  #TheDoorsDontLock#MyPeaceLastedAllOfSeventeenSeconds #NotOneKidButTwo#ThisIsNotASwimmingPool #WouldYouStopKickingMe#WheresDaddyAndWhyArentYouWithHim

The Tater came home from church with a picture of Jesus surrounded by little children:

Me: What did you learn at church today?
The Tater: Jesus loves Tater!
#JesusAlsoLovesMamaAndDaddy #HesNotSureIfJesusLovesSister

Bribing The Tater into putting his church clothes on (I'm seriously at the end of my rope on this issue):

Me: If you just put these clothes on, I'll give you some candy.
The Tater: Don't need it candy. Need it chips.
#LetsMakeADeal #IfHeAskedToPlayWouldKnivesIWouldLetHimAtThisPoint

Ty Detmer on the sideline, looking like the champion he is. It makes my little 1990 heart thrilled beyond measure. #NowWin#BecauseEvenIfYoureAChampionICantSupportALoser #BYUFootball#ArizonavsBYU #TyDetmer #TheManTheMythTheLegend#WhoDoITalkToAboutStartingTheGamesEarlier #ImAnOldFreakingLady#Its10pmAndIAlreadyMightDie

Today is my birthday (I plan to start every post today with that sentence, just so you know), and I've been banned from the kitchen all day long (The Kid is the warden and she keeps saying, "Don't even THINK about going in there!") I thought that'd be an amazing thing except 1. I apparently spend pretty much all day everyday in or around the kitchen - I kind of have no idea where to go or what to do and 2. It's absolutely KILLING my nosey little self not to know what's going on in there. There's already been pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream and judging from the smell, there will be Cajun food for lunch. #HappyBirthdayToMe #Big38#ThereWillBeManyPostsToday #BecauseImNotAllowedInTheKitchen

At last night's game, The Kid was sitting with one of her little friends, cheering her heart out. That is until they tried to spell things, "B-U...I don't know how to spell Buna. It's a shame they're not called the Carolyn Cougars because I can spell that." #JustSpellWhatYouKnow#WhoCaresAsLongAsYouYellLoud

Today's Stuff: 1. I signed up to be Room Mom of The Kid's class. They told me there would be four parties throughout the year. Yesterday they gave me THREE PAGES full of parties and events. More than four. 2. There are at least two boys in The Kid's class who look like they're 12. Man-boys. 3. The Kid is currently recruiting for Grandparent's Day. So, if you want to come stand in for her Grandparents, let her know. She says she'll pay you a nickel. 4. The Kid is slowly but surely finding out that we do things without her while she is at school. And this does not make her happy. Yesterday we were read the riot act for going swimming. 5. It is officially September. And every year, I think fall will come. And it never does.

Does anyone else have a meal that they could eat and eat and eat and never get tired of it? And even when you're done eating it and stuffed full, you just wish you could have more of it? Zuppa Toscana, people. Good grief, but I could eat that for every meal and be completely happy for the rest of my life. #HusbandOnlyJustToleratesIt #AndTheKidsWontEatIt #MoreForME

When Husband takes the day off and plays Twisted Sister and Kiss at loud volumes during breakfast:

The Tater: Mama, I don't eat breakfast. Gotta dance.
#IDidZumbaWhenHeWasInMyBelly #FridayNightFever#TheNextJohnTravolta #IfHeFindsHisRhythm

"Mama, I decided I don't want you to produce me a baby sister, I'd like a brother instead. Because I really, really want someone in the family named Mr. Crazy Pants."  #OhOfCourse #ExcellentNamingSuggestion#WeArePuttingHerInChargeOfNamingEverythingFromNowOn

Yesterday I had the opportunity to work with the incomparable Wilson Chiropractic team at Exygon for a few hours. Let me tell you, Travis Dugger, gym manager extraordinaire, is a handy man to have around in the event of a (minor) emergency. That's a thing, right? Minor emergency? Or is it not an emergency if it's minor? Either way, it was a pleasure to work with such classy people and organizations.  #WilsonChiropractic#ExygonHealthAndFitness #MassageTherapist #ILoveMyJob

The Kid: Mama, when do you plan to produce a sister for me?
Me: Whenever God sends us one, I guess.
The Kid: Your mom produced sisters for you, it's only fair you produce some for me.
#SisterProducer #SlackingOnTheJob #AboveAllThingsMustBeFair

When you have to use the toilet in the kindergarten/first grade wing of the school and you almost fall right on your rear end because they've installed the smallest toilets known to man. Curse you, tiny toilet!