On Facebook - October 2016

Three things I love: My mom, Halloween, and The Great State of Nevada. Happy birthday to all of you. Except not to Halloween. Because it doesn't really have a birthday. Whatever.

The Kid is attempting to adopt an accent. But only on words with a long I in them. Totally works.

The Tater has been sentenced: death by church clothes.

Been rooting for the underdogs all afternoon and the only one that hasn't let us down so far is Texas. And Oklahoma State. As dirty as it makes me feel, we're on for Florida State next. #GoNoles #EvenIfYAllAreCheaters#ThanksForNothingUtah #AndAlsoVirginia #AndYouTooMichiganState

I've had three really good, non-crying days and then this morning, The Kid dug out what was supposed to be my Halloween costume. I cried. Blubbered really. The Kid asked what was wrong and when I told her she said, "What do you mean there's not going to be a baby?! That's ridiculous! Oh, well, don't worry about it, mama, things could always be worse." #ReassuranceAtItsFinest #ThingsCouldAlwaysBeWorse#ApparentlySheDidntGetTheNoBabyMemo #ImStillSad

When you're dropping off your kid at school on book character day and out of the cars are alighting hundreds of little girls dressed as princesses. And then out of your car stomps Stinky Annie, The Pirate (who steals all the underwear from other pirate ships - because you can't be a pirate if you haven't got any undies). #InAWorldOfPrincessesAlwaysBeStinkyAnnie#ASpecialBrandOfAwesome #OneOfAKind

4am this morning, after I've sent The Tater back to his own bed for the second time, it starts to sounds like River Dance is going on in the bedroom above ours. When I go to check it out, he has built himself a "pile of soft" and is running from one end of the room to the other, hurling himself into it and giggling madly. Seriously?  #ItWentOnUntil530#ThenSisterWokeUpAt615ToYellAtTheTV #WhyDoMyChildrenHateSleep#CantWeDoThisAt7  #ThisIsTheFourthDayInARowHesBeenUpAt3#MamasAboutToLoseIt #WhenDoIGetToStartSleepingThroughItLikeDaddy

Having children is basically just a lifetime of not being able to find that-thing-that-was-just-right-here-that-I-can't-find-now-that-I-need-it. Today those items have been a hair brush, my keys, and a flashlight. #StopTouchingMyStuff #KidsAreJustLikePackRats#ButTheyHaveVariousStashPoints#AndTheyNeverRememberWhereThePointsAre #ItCausesMeToSwear

Sometimes it feels brave just to act like yourself when you feel nothing like yourself.

Is it a sign that I'm saying goodbye to a baby on what would have been Carolyn The Elder's 37th birthday? Like I'm sending her a gift back to heaven. #DramaticMuch#TheyShouldntLetMeBeOnFacebookRightBeforeAnesthesia#ButTheyCantStopMeEither #HappyBirthdaySister #YoureWelcome

It really is such a shame this baby will not be born - the due date was Cinco De Mayo. Perfect because 1. I love tacos. 2. I love a good party. 3. I, just like every other red-blooded Cinco De Mayo celebrating American, actually have no idea what Cinco De Mayo celebrates. 4. This has nothing to do with Cinco De Mayo, but The Kid had already decided on a name: Fishy Piss. That's for either a boy or a girl.

When you're reading a book on your Kindle and it says you still have 20% left to read and you're thinking you're going to get all the answers to your questions and then BAM! The book suddenly ends and there's a stupid reader's guide full of more questions. #WhatAFreakingRipOff#IAlreadyHaveEnoughQuestions #AndYetYouGiveMeMoreQuestions#IfIWantedAReadersGuideIWouldGoogleIt

When you're sobbing over your morning Nutella toast (which is really less depressing than crying over, say, oatmeal), and The Tater comes over, puts his hand right over your heart and says, "It'll be ok. Don't cry, mama. I fix it." #ThankGoodnessForInnocence

That one time, when after 2.5 years of trying, you are suddenly and magically pregnant and even more magnificent is the fact that you manage to keep it a secret from *almost* everyone (World's Worst Secret Keeper ten years running). And it's literally days away from when you planned to tell everyone and you go in for an ultrasound and not only is there no heartbeat, whoops, there's no baby either, just an empty sac. And you sit and cry with your doctor and your world just falls apart. And it's stupid.

"Here, Tater, get inside this box and I'll close you up in it and then push it down the stairs!"

*Guess I'd better intervene.*

Cheers to Merrill Lynch, who provided little plastic yellow construction hats for the kids the kids to decorate at Touch-A-Truck. They were excellent puke buckets for the way home. #IWantToTradeMyKidsInForNonPukingModels#WhyMustThereAlwaysBeVomit

The Kid was telling me about how talented her teacher is:

Me: Isn't it amazing how people are talented and you don't even know until they show you?
The Kid: Yeah, like me with my talent of hopping from foot to foot.
Me: Uh-huh.
The Kid: I try not to do it too much because I don't want to be a show-off.
#SoMuchTalent #SoLittleTime

Husband poached eggs for breakfast this morning. Because we're fancy.

When you've been having the crappiest week known to man, you go against your own personal rules and sit down right in the middle of the day (when you should be cleaning), and watch your favorite childhood movies: Thoroughly Modern Millie and Shag. #TossYourCaresAndCurlsAway#ImGoinToMyrtleBeachToMeetBoys

The Kid on the way to school this morning, "Mama, I'm going to start wearing clothes to bed just in case I start on fire."  #WellYesOfCourse#SpontaneousHumanCombustionIsABiggerProblemThanYouKnow

The Kid: So, when Tater is twelve, he'll get to go to the Wednesday night activities with daddy?
Me: I doubt daddy will still be the young men's president in ten years.
The Kid: Because he'll be dead by then?

Husband told The Kid she could go with him to the usual Wednesday night youth activity at church if she could guess the number he'd chosen between 1-10. Naturally, she guessed 30. And as he's pulling out of the driveway, she's crying and carrying on and this, "I don't know why I can't go! Daddy's math quiz was too hard! Why can't he come up with an easier quiz?!" #NumbersBetweenOneAndTenAreHard #THIRTY

When you spend all morning checking your kid's diaper because SOMETHING smells. Then, after several hours, you realize it's the roast in the pressure cooker. Dinner should be just outstanding tonight. #WouldYouLikeSomeDiaperSmellingMeat #LetMeDishYouUp

You know, I'm 97% sure God was thinking solely of me when steak was invented. And then on top of it, he gifted me a man who knows how to cook one. #GodsGiftToMe #DeliciousnessOnAPlate#HusbandHasRuinedEatingOut #HisFoodIsSoMuchBetter#WinningAtHusbanding

When you wake up and see steam rolling off your (unheated) pool, you know it's going to be a good day. #FavoriteWeatherEver#NowIfItWouldStayThisWay

The Kid, "Mama, maybe when you go to vote for president, when they hand you your ballot, you could just write "boooooooooooooo!" on it and hand it back."

Getting ready for church:

Me: How do I look?
The Kid: Somewhat enchanting.
Me: How are you somewhat enchanting?
The Kid: Well, you're more enchanting than not enchanting.
#FiftyOnePercentEnchanting #FortyNinePercentFrumpy #TwoPercentWin

Had a dream last night that I signed up for a memory improvement class and then forgot to go.  #ItMightHaveBeenANightmare#BecauseThatCouldActuallyHappenToMe

The Kid: Tater, you want to go lay on mama's bed?
The Tater: Nope.
The Kid: You want to go have fun? 
The Tater: Nope.
The Kid: Tater, I have candy!
The Tater: I coming!
#HowToGetYourBrotherToDoWhatYouWant
#KnowTheirWeakness #ExploitIt

Lee Corso cries after a tribute to him on College Gameday. And I cry right along with him. I love you, Lee Corso! #LeeCorso #ESPNCollegeGameday#NotSoFastMyFriend #TwentyYearsOfHeadGear

"Hey, Tater, are you going to finish your sausage? Because I might be in the market for one more piece."

Our school is playing Husband's alma mater tonight in their homecoming football game:

Me: Daddy might want to wear red and sit on the other side.
The Kid: Does he want to look like a fool on purpose?

Me: You'd better go to bed to rest up for your homecoming party and Paw Pack run tomorrow.
The Kid: Well, mama, it is a fairly important party.

A couple of days ago, after much prodding, The Kid admitted to having a crush on a boy in her class. She said she didn't want to tell us because she thought we'd think it was "weird":

Me: I had a crush on a boy when I was your age. There's nothing wrong with admiring someone.
The Kid: I hope someday someone admires me as much as I admire him.
Me: They will. But it'll take a special boy to admire someone as special as you.
The Kid: Obviously.

That one time when your two-year-old is playing with his Elmo app and from across the room, you hear, "The word of the day is incest!", so you race across the room questioning the appropriateness of the app only to find that the word of the day is "insects", not "incest". Close. That was a close one. #DefendingVirtueOneAppAtATime

When I read the scriptures, I have to underline both to pay attention and to remember later what I thought was important (and also because it's pretty). Yesterday as I was reading, The Kid says, "Mama, when you're all done crossing everything out in that bible, can I borrow your colored pencils?" #IfYouDontWantToFollowJustCrossItOut #EditingTheBibleIsMyNewJob

Husband found a hockey mask at the store for $1. So naturally, he bought it to scare the kids. Because that's not a mother's worst nightmare.

Caught The Kid opening a second can of soda after I'd told her no, "Mama, this is all just a big misunderstanding." #IWasPerfectlyClear #NoMeansNo#CommunicationError

Tater-isms: 1. When he wants me to tickle his face he says, "Mama, give me the beautiful." 2. When he wants to snuggle he says, "I gotta be nice to The Mama." 3. When he's going to do a somersault he says, "I gotta do a "watch this"."  #Taterisms #WhyMustLittleKidsGrowUp#IHaveToRememberHowCuteHeIsWhenHeThrowsTantrums

The Tater comes and stands right in front of me:

Me: Can I help you?
The Tater: Yes. I need a bowl of Cheetos.
#DontWeAll

That one time when you're on medication that makes you dizzy, but you've had three really good days in a row, so you're all, "I think I'll rollerblade five miles today", and you end up sitting by the side of the road 2.5 miles away from home, just trying to get your equilibrium back. #DecisionMakingFail#TheStupidHumidityIsBack

The Kid: What's for dinner?
Me: Leftovers.
The Kid: But mama, don't you want to think outside the box?

I used to be skeptical at how much knowledge kids supposedly lost over summer vacation. But now, I guess I have to believe it because my kid completely forgets how to get ready for school between Friday night and Monday morning. #YesYouNeedShoes #YesYouNeedClothes#IfYouWantToEatYouWillNeedALunch #ItCantBeThatHard #ManicMonday

As I'm watching General Conference, The Kid and The Tater keep walking by, carrying various items:

Me: What are you doing exactly?
The Kid: We're setting up our Power Ranger Academy. Obviously.
#OfCourse #SillyMeForAsking

That one time when it's 1am and you're awakened by what appear to be shrieks of death and dismemberment from your children's room and you haul yourself out of bed and up the stairs in record time and when you get there, the six-year-old immediately stops the racket, looks you in the eye, and says, "My nightlight isn't plugged in." Never mind that she literally has four other night lights in her room that ARE plugged in. And then you have to spend the next hour calming down the two-year-old because she's managed to freak him out completely.
#ImGoingToHaveToAcutallySellYouToTheGypsies#TheStrawThatBrokeTheCamelsBack