On Facebook - August 2016

I doubt there are many better things in life than a perfectly cooked over-easy egg. #HitTheSpot #IfOnlyIWasntOutOfHomemadeBread


Dancing With The Stars: I'm pretty sure it can't get any better than Rick Perry vs. Vanilla Ice. PS Ryan Lochte looks like much less of a jerk without the blonde/blue hair. #CastingDepartmentForTheWin


The Tater climbed into my bed at 11:30pm (as he does pretty much every night) and continued to scoot me toward the edge of the bed all night long. But then, at 6am, he ran his chubby little hand lightly down the side of my face and whispered, "Mama, you so pretty." #CantBeMadAfterThat#MamasBoy


Me: What did you do at school today?
The Kid: We made rules. I suggested that there'll be no kissing at school. And when I say NO KISSING, I mean NO KISSING.
Me: Why's that?
The Kid: We're definitely not old enough for that.
Me: When will you be old enough?
The Kid: Daddy says I can kiss a boy when I'm 32.
#ExcellentAnswer #ParentingWin #NoKissingZone


Today's business: 1. When the car behind you tailgates you for several miles, finally passes you going 90 miles an hour in a school zone and then gets caught behind the car in front of you. Karma, buddy. 2. At what age can kids be counted on to eat and NOT get food all over their clothing? 3. The Kid gave me a lecture this morning on "the amphibious nature" of frogs. 4. I spoke at church yesterday and was a complete mess the entire time. The Kid said, "Well, mama, you tried hard, but there was way too much crying." 5. T-minus five days until college football. And my birthday! I am accepting all gifts!


I have one kid who won't let me tickle her arm and I have another who's a tickle junkie, as evidenced by an appearance by the side of my bed at 1:30am, a hand slapped in the middle of my chest, and the wailing of, "Mama, tickle my arm!" #CantWaitUntilMorning #HeNeedsRehab#INeedSleep #MaybeIShouldGoToRehabSoICanSleep


The Kid asked me to do her Barbie's hair and then later on, I heard her talking to the doll, "I'm sorry mama messed up your hair do. Doing hair is not one of her many talents." #NotTalented #CantEvenDoMyOwnHair#LetAloneAnyoneElses


You know what the awesomest thing is about having a hair trigger smoke alarm that goes off every. single. time you open your oven? Absolutely nothing.

Husband's greatest joy in life is to tease our children mercilessly:

Husband: I wanted to buy you chicken and fries, but mama wouldn't let me!
The Kid: I think you're the blame on this one, daddy.
Husband: I'm the blame?
The Kid: Yeah, sometimes you lie.
#Pegged #ShesNotStupid

Today, all of Husband's appointments were cancelled, so he asked if I wanted to ride into town with him. Let me tell you, I feel like since we've moved, I've seen less of him than I ever have, so this day felt like a gift. I made my yearly trip to Specs where they didn't even try to pretend they were going to card me. I'm pretty sure it's because I was looking very responsible with my gallon of rum. #DayOutWithHusband#YesINeedThisMuchRum #NoImNotTellingYouWhy

The Tater apparently feels that burping is an essential and required part of drinking out of any beverage bottle. And, since he doesn't always have to burp, he just does a fake one and then invariably and demurely says, "Oh! Excuse me." #ICantHelpButLaugh #IProbablyShouldntEncourageHim

Praise the Lord! Sunday is FINALLY World Female Topless Day - to promote female and male equality in going topless. And let me guess, the people who support it are probably the same ones who think breastfeeding in public is inappropriate. #ForReal #YallStop #UnlessYouNeedToFeedABaby#ThenYouFeedThatBaby

Driving The Kid to school this morning:

The Kid: Mama, you've got to drive on the asshole.
Me: Do WHAT?!
The Kid: The black asshole.
Me: Dude, I have no idea what you're trying to say, but that's not a nice word.
The Kid: THE ROAD!
Me: Oh, asPHALT. The road is made of asPHALT. Not that other word.
#YouKeepSayingThatWord #IDoNotThinkItMeansWhatYouThinkItMeans

The Tater's newest thing: climbs up on my lap, buries his head in my chest and says, "I wanna be with my mama." #MamasBoy #PleaseNeverGrowUp#ExceptGrowUpEnoughToStopThrowingTemperTantrums

Something I don't like about myself: I don't do conflict. Like even a little bit. Even the thought of conflict makes my belly hurt. While this can be a good thing, there are certain instances where I get steamrolled because I'm just not mean/outspoken enough. And the times I do try to stand up and make a point, I generally start crying (well, not crying like sobbing, but my eyes tear up), which makes me appear weak and child-like. While I believe that kindness really can accomplish a lot of things, there are times when you HAVE to be the squeaky wheel. And I have no idea how.

The Kid and I have had several conversations about taxes and electing officials you trust to administer them. This afternoon she handed me a bag of fruit snacks to open:

Me: Yes, I'll open them, but there will be an opening tax of one fruit snack.
The Kid: I'm not sure I'd vote for you. That is an unfair tax.
#TaxationWithoutRepresentation

School Pick up on day 1: I show up at 3:30 and end up having to wait 25 minutes to get to the front of the pick up line. Day 2: I show up at 3:38 and The Kid is in the school crying because she is literally the last kid at the school and she's afraid I've forgotten her. #MomFail#IWillGetItRightByTheEndOfTheYear #TheBusIsLookingBetterAndBetter

Second day of school:

Me: Dude, those clothes don't match and it's going to be 95 degrees, don't you want to wear shorts and a t-shirt?
The Kid: Nope. I'm covering all the way up so ants can't get me.
#Naturally  #IGotHerToChangeToShortSleeves #ButThatsIt

Me: Well, how was school today?
The Kid: The boy next to me is shy and he doesn't talk very much. I like him. But the hot dogs at lunch did not taste good. I don't think they buy the high quality ones.
#WellTheyreNotBallParkHotDogs

We had the missionaries over for dinner tonight and they were talking about how The Tater is usually surrounded by little girls in the nursery at church:

Me: The Tater usually does really well with girls for some reason.
The Kid: Yeah, he just wants to share with the girls, not the boys, because he's trying to get himself some hot ladies.
#HotLadiesGoToChurch #NurseryPickUpLines#WannaShareMyFishCrackers #JustKidding#HeDoesntShareCrackersNoMatterHowHotTheLadiesAre

I'm unsure which is more upsetting: the end of the Olympics or the first day of school. Either way, I am entering a stage of depression that will only resolve itself at the advent of the college football season. #IWillMissWatchingAwesomeThingsEveryNight #AndIWillMissMyGirl

Nothing makes me more angry than ant bites on my toes. Also, The Kid has another loose tooth. That means three months of whining and crying, probably interspersed with at least seven attempts by Husband or me to pull it out. Because we never learn. #KillAllTheAnts#AllBabyTeethShouldFallOutAtOnce

"So, mama, if the Wright brothers are named Orville and Wilbur, what are the Left brothers names?"

Me: Hey, what should we have for breakfast?
The Tater: Cookies! And two vitamins!
#BreakfastOfChampions

The Kid: Can I use your sleeping bag to ride down the stairs?
Me: That sounds like the worst idea ever.  
The Kid: That's just because you didn't think of it.

That one time when the gym owner approaches you and asks if you've ever done any power lifting and says they're looking for people to join their power lifting team and says, "You're just really strong."  #OhStop#AndByThatIMeanDontStop  #TellMeMoreNiceThingsAboutMe

Is it wrong to be insanely jealous of a six-year-old? Just signed The Kid up for a dance class, but what I really wanted was to sign ME up for a dance class. Buna, when are the adult dance classes coming?  #ImASuperStar#IveJustNeverHadAChanceToShowIt #CheckOutMyMoves

Turns out that having a super clingy two-year-old at the gym with you is amazingly conducive to HIIT workouts. There's no choice: you have to go as fast and hard as you can in one minute, because for the next minute, he'll be hanging on your leg, needing a drink, or wanting to be held. #WhoNeedsATrainer #IHaveASlaveDriverChild

That one time you lock your keys in your car at Walmart and your six-year-old falls to the floor and starts crying, "Now we'll have to live at Walmart forever with all these weird people!" #BeingAMomIsNeverEmbarrassing#NovaleeLivedAtWalmartAndSheWasFine

Walmart Worker: Hey, I could use some help. You want to stay and work here today?
The Kid: Um, no. I cannot work at Walmart. I'm looking for a better job. Like maybe McDonald's.
#AimHighGoFar #OnlyTheBestForUs

The Tater walks in as I'm brushing The Kid's hair:

The Tater: Ohhhhh! You so pretty!
The Kid: Well, I look pretty anyway, but today I have my makeup and Jamberry on, so I look extra good.
#SoHumble #WeAreJustEnhancingOurNaturalBeauty#NeverLoseYourConfidence

Both kids go running through the house, dragging pieces of twine and screaming, "KILL, KILL, KILL" at the top of their lungs:

Me: What on earth are you doing?
The Kid: We're going to lasso a frog! I hear their legs taste like chicken!
#SoDoesRattleSnake #ButYouDontSeeMeTryingToLassoOneOfThose

Husband just made a deal with The Kid that if she'd eat five pieces of broccoli, he'd make her an ice cream sundae. She downed it in about five seconds without gagging or complaining:

Me: Why don't you always eat broccoli if you have no problems with it?
The Kid: Mama, I only eat that crap to get the good stuff.
#ExcellentStrategy  #WeveBeenOutsmarted  #YesAgain

Playing board games with a six-year-old is much what I assume playing with Vladimir Putin is like. She picks the Sorry card, slams it down and shouts, "BOO YA! Why must you be so weak?!"

The Kid: I really want to learn to cook delicious and nutritious meals for our family.
Me: Ok, where should we start?
The Kid: How about with Kraft Mac and cheese?
#SheTotallyGetsIt #DeliciousnessInABox #AndSooooooooHealthy

Our six week trial run as dog owners has apparently come to an end. Our stray has suddenly disappeared and we've not seen hide nor hair of her for a week. The Kid prays every night that she'll come back and The Tater is sad, but not sad enough to stop eating the giant bag of dog food we bought. #DeliciousAndNutritious #SomeonesGottaEatIt

You might think it's a pain to have to take your two-year-old to the gym with you until you're in the middle of a particularly difficult set and he comes over, pats you on the chest and says, "It'll be ok, mama." #GarnersSportsAndFitness #IWasApparentlyStruggling #SoMuchLove

Every time there's a church dinner, I miss Joan Smith (whose job it was to remind everyone there was enough food for seconds and thirds), and Grandma Beryl and her three gallons of Schwann's ice cream. #TheGoldenDays #RubyValleyBranch #NoOneLeftHungry#HitTheDessertTableBeforeTheIceCreamMelts

That one time when your two-year-old throws multiple massive crying/screaming tantrums in the hour leading up to church - causing you to walk huffily in during the opening song, which naturally, is, "Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning", and you can't help it, but when singing, "...now we rest from every care...", you snort and think, "Whoever wrote this obviously never had a toddler." #ImSoReverent#ListTheMerryChildrenScreaming #WhatAPleasingJoyfulSound

Sitting in the bathroom this morning when The Kid walks right in and says, "Mama, why are you taking so long in here? Are you suffering with another case of diarrhea?" #LiterallyCantGetAwayWithAnything#IWasOnlyInThereForTwoMinutes

Olympics Day 8: 1. The gold for the best Olympic interviews of ALL TIME (there are several to choose from) goes to the Irish rowing team, The Brothers O'Donovan. I'm unsure if they're drunk or if they're just Irish, but they're hilarious. And I believe "podium pants" will now become a thing. I could not love them more. 2. Al Michaels literally looks the same as he did 30 years ago. I don't think he ever ages. 3. Another Olympian who must constantly be bored: Usain Bolt. The man looked like he was out for a light jog during his 100m qualifier and he'll look that way after he wins the gold medal and probably breaks another world record. 4. The country pay-out for Joseph Schooling, the man who beat Michael Phelps? Just a paltry $735,000. The Americans get $20,000 for a gold medal. Cheap skates. 4. Also, the leotards for the US women's gymnastics team are ticketed at a cool $1,200 each. Each woman gets 20. Gracious.  #Rio2016  #TeamUSA#TrackAndFieldHasBegun #YAY#ImWorkingOnMySynchronizedSwimmingRoutine

The Kid is quite concerned about evil and the epitome of such in her eyes is Darth Vader. We've been speaking about him pretty much non-stop and yesterday, this, "Well, from what you've told me, he appears to have been sufficiently thwarted." #SufficientlyThwarted #MyNewCatchPhrase

Olympics Day 7: 1. The real gold medal winner of last night's coverage was the line judge for the beach volleyball matches. He was not messing around. 2. The best quote of the night was, "Walsh-Jennings is not known for her patience." Kerri! We are twinners! I am also not known for my patience! And our 38th birthdays are only like two weeks apart! So, we are like actual twins - just like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. 3. It must be boring to be Katie Ledecky. Just win by like 900 seconds all the time and have no competition and be draped in gold medals. 4. After the Olympics are over, I plan to find that female shot putter from New Zealand and make her my best friend. Because I'd hate to get on her bad side. Valerie Adams sounds like a pretty benign name, but take my word for it, she's a beast. #Rio2016#TeamUSA #SoManyGoldMedalsSoLittleTime#ShotPuttersMakeTheBestFriends

Dear Missy Franklin,

Look girl, I get it. I mean, I totally do. Back when I was competing at an almost-Olympic level (meaning Single A high school track, but whatever. Same same.), we killed it my sophomore year (state championship and all. In the picture they put in the paper, I look like I'm picking my nose, so I'm calling that a double win) and then came back my junior year and got whipped. And when I say whipped, I don't mean just ordinary whipping. I mean like a cat 'o nine tails whipping. And it was horrible and devastating (because, as you'll remember, I was competing at a high level) and I thought I'd never be the same again. But then, my senior year, I got myself a majorly outstanding bowl cut and crushed the competition. And by "crushed", I mean I came in second a whole lot. And that's almost like finishing first. So don't give up. And perhaps consider a bowl haircut. I mean, no one would even see it with your swim cap on, so...

Your Friend,
Erin

Listening outside The Kid's door as she plays with her dolls, "Hey, Barbie, you're naked as a jaybird! What did you get up to last night? You're going to need to put your clothes back on. You know what daddy says, "modest is hottest". Seriously, I can see your undies."

When you find out your local gym costs $20/month AND they'll let you bring your kids! #Winning #NowICanBeStrongAndRich#AndIfMyKidsWouldBehaveIWouldBeEvenHappier

The Kid: My favorite thing in the world is eating. Each food has it's own unique flavor. What's your favorite thing?
Me: Sugaring daddy.
The Kid: Yeah, that's not too shabby either.

Due to the lack of rain, Husband has asked me to abstain from my usual weekly lawn mowing. I'm pretty sad about it because lawn mowing day is my favorite day of the week: 1. I might have a small crush on my riding lawnmower. 2. I can usually get in at least 30 minutes of lawn mowing before being interrupted by kids (when doing housework, it's roughly every 30 seconds). 3. There is amazing order in lawn mowing - nice, straight lines that stay nice and straight - so you always know where you've mowed and where you haven't. 4. I plug in the iPod and do some AMAZING lawnmower karaoke and seated dancing. I'm probably better there than in the shower. 5. When I'm weaving in between the bushes, sometimes I pretend I'm in a lawnmower rodeo. I win every. single. time.  #ILoveMyJohnDeere#ThereISaidIt #AreThereLawnmowerKaraokeLeagues#IfSoIWouldTotallyCrushIt

When your kid starts barking and whining like a dog any time she feels displeasure. PS Is it wrong that every time my kids get into a screaming fight, I run and hide so they can't find me to tell on one another? #NotAnnoyingAtAll #YouveGotToBeKiddingMe

Olympics Day 5: 1. Do Katie Ledecky's teeth kind of look like Gru's from Despicable Me? 2. In a show of supremely bad judgement, I turned on the Olympics while cleaning the upstairs floor. Three hours later, I pried myself from the couch. The floor is still dirty. 3. To Kerri Walsh-Jennings - I did not appreciate your close match. Please continue to win handily and contribute to a normal blood pressure for yours truly. 4. The gold medal for the best good luck charm EVER goes to Italian kayaker, Giovanni De Gennaro. Not only does your mustache provide good luck, it is also AWESOME. 5. How many sets of headphones do you really need, Michael Phelps? Because I'd like to have some of your used ones if you're done with them. 6. Nathan Adrian is my new favorite Olympic swimmer. LOVED his post-swim interview. #Rio2016  #ThatsGold #MyMustacheIsAlsoMyGoodLuckCharm

The Kid has been assigned a talk on modesty for church on Sunday:

Me: And what is modesty?
The Kid: Where you don't show all your junk to everyone else.
Me: Um...yeah. The world thinks if you have a nice body, you should show all of it all the time.
The Kid: Modesty must be really hard for you. Your body is amazing!
#BlessYouMyChild #SoHardNotToDisplayMyAmazingBody#IHopeSheNeverFindsOutItsNotAmazing

Olympics Day 4: 1. Michael Phelps still has the longest arms I've ever seen. Like for real. 2. Chad LeClos, bless your heart, but you can't trash talk Michael Phelps unless you can beat him. And it's even worse when the pool side interviewer asks Mr. Phelps what he thinks about your intimidation attempts and he says, "Um, nothing. I think nothing." 3. While watching the women's gymnastics final, The Tater's entire commentary was, "They're wearing clothes! It's amazing!" 4. Is the gymnastics team really that amazing or is the rest of the world just really NOT amazing? Apparently it's a combination of both. 5. You know who I really, really miss at the Olympics? Gary Hall. Bring him back in some capacity, please.  #Rio2016  #ThatsGold#TeamGaryHall #TeamUSA

Me: I'm going to go take a nap as soon as the bread is done baking. Is there anything you need before that? Because if you wake me up again, I'm going to be upset.
The Kid: Oh, mama, please. I have better things to do than wake you up.
#UnlessSheNeedsSomethingOpened #OrNeedsADrink#OrWantsToGiveMeAClueAboutAPartyShesPlanning

There are days where I literally feel like ripping my hair out when dealing with a two-year-old. And then there are days where I smash my finger in a drawer, he runs to me, grabs my hands, plants a sugar on the offended finger and proclaims, "It's ok, mama, I fix it. It's all better." #SugarMeBetter#HeDoesntAlwaysScreamBloodyMurder

Me: Dude, are you sure you don't want to wear your flip flops? They'll be cooler.
The Kid: No, I'm going to wear these boots.

Two minutes later:
Husband: The print on the boots is too much for that dress. Why don't you wear your flip flops?
The Kid: Ok, I'll go find them.

#WhatGives #AlwaysDoWhatDaddySays #IgnoreMomAsMuchAsPossible

Olympics Day 3: 1. Have you seen the lats on that female Hungarian swimmer?! Goodness. 2. I appreciate a little trash talking at the pool. Especially when you back it up. Good on ya, Lilly King. 3. I may or may not have a MAJOR girl crush on Kerri Walsh-Jennings. #ThatsGold #Rio2016#GetItGirls #AllOlympicsAllTheTime

Olympics Day 2: 1. If a 41-year-old can compete in gymnastics, perhaps my Olympic dreams can still become a reality. But I will have to change my name to Oksana. 2. Apparently it is normal for countries to recruit lesser athletes from big countries to come play for their country. If any countries are looking for a new rower, I'm your girl. But I will not consider Qatar. Mostly because I've mispronounced it my entire life. 3. Could the female athletes have more outstanding fingernails? I doubt it. #Rio2016#IMightHaveToHitUpTheWinterOlympics #IdBeAwesomeAtCurling

I am an unmitigated failure at communicating with a two-year-old. According to him, I haven't done a single thing right in at least six months. Even when I do EXACTLY what he's asked me to do, it's wrong. I plan to sell him to the gypsies tomorrow. For real this time.  #MamasNotPlayin #OhTheTantrums#AtMyWitsEnd

I am an unmitigated failure at communicating with a two-year-old. According to him, I haven't done a single thing right in at least six months. Even when I do EXACTLY what he's asked me to do, it's wrong. I plan to sell him to the gypsies tomorrow. For real this time.  #MamasNotPlayin #OhTheTantrums#AtMyWitsEnd

Olympic observations so far: 1. They really ought to raise the nets in volleyball. When the girls are blocking with their armpits, it's too low. They're tall as trees (the women, not the nets). 2. The Puerto Rican women's volleyball team is abnormally good looking. 3. I think I missed my calling as a rower. I think I could have been really, really good at it (I blame my desert upbringing denying me the opportunity). #Rio2016#IShouldHaveBeenAnOlympian

When you're .7 seconds away from entering REM sleep in a delicious and almost-unheard-of afternoon nap and your six-year-old thinks it's an opportune time to haul out her brand new, portable alarm clock, set it by your head, and press the default button because she thought you'd want to "hear the beautiful music". #IveKilledMenForLesserThings#WhoseIdeaWasItToBuyHerThatClock #ImConfiscatingTheBatteries

Is it wrong that I enjoy swimming so much more on Saturdays when daddy is around? When all of the "hey, watch this!" comments are not directed at me? When they hang on him and fight over him and yell in his ear? And complain about who got to have more fun and who played with which toy more?  #IfItsWrongIDontWannaBeRight

Doubling a bread recipe today while trying to do about ten other things. While taking the finished bread out of the oven, I notice the melted butter that was supposed to go IN the bread sitting on the counter NEXT TO the bread. Do you think if I sit them really close together, they'll absorb one another?  #Fail #ThisDayMightKillMe #LowFatBread#IThinkWeWillJustGoSwimming

That one time when you're buying new beds for your kids and your husband says, "Just get these. It's not like we're going to be sleeping in them" and you insist on getting the queen size semi-soft one, much to his dismay. Fast forward 2.5 months and I'm pretty sure I've slept in those beds (and not in mine) more than both kids combined. Makes me wish we'd gotten even better beds...  #MusicalBeds  #At1am #StupidestGameEVER#IJustWantToSleep

There's a very good chance I'm addicted to Simply Lemonade. I curse the Ibotta app for giving me a coupon for my first purchase and starting me down this slippery slope.  #ItsSOOOOOOGood  #Its113DegreesOutside#SoWeMustStayHydrated

ISO: A new friend with access to a chain saw and a Bush Hog who also possesses a MAJORLY destructive nature to rid our property of all of the stupid planted-on-purpose bushes. Big plus if they're willing to accept payment in the form of lasagna and chocolate cake.

How is it that some people make getting dinner on the table look like no big deal? I'm telling you, by the time Husband gets home at night (usually 6:30-7), I feel like I'm just stumbling across the finish line of a marathon. And then there's supposed to be edible food on the table, too?! 

When your husband goes to Houston for business and, knowing you had a rough day, brings you back two boxes of Buc-ee's fudge.  #BlessYouMyChild#IEatMyFeelings #AndTheyTasteLikeFudge #ForgetTheFlowers#GetThatGirlSomethingDelicious

The Kid to the elementary school registrar when we signed her up for school yesterday, "There's something you should know about me. I'm the bravest shot taker in the entire world."
#ItsTrue #SoMuchBraverThanHerMother

That one time you move to a "small town" and then go to the elementary school to enroll your kid only to find out that the school serves over 700 students. Incidentally, that is almost 150 more students than the school she would have gone to had we stayed in the city (and about 500 more than the school she attended last year). And that begs the question, with a census count of 2,142 people in our town, where are all of these chi'rens coming from? #SmallTownMyFoot #GraduatingClassWillBeFiveTimesTheSizeOfMine

Bought some new Play Doh today. The Tater walked up to me with a big blob of it:

Me: What is it?
The Tater: It's an elephant.
The Kid: Looks like a big pile of crap to me.
#JustGoAheadAndSayWhatYouThink #StraightShooter #KeepHimHumble

The Kid: Mama, do you love your bladder?
Me: I don't don't think anyone loves their bladder. It's just a body part.
The Kid: I love my bladder. But I love my liver better.