On Facebook - November 2016

Singing to O Holy Night by Celine Dion on the way to school this morning and this, "This is the most beautiful song I've ever heard. But maybe we ought to just listen to her sing it, mama."  #YouMeanIDontSoundLikeCeline#ImOffended

Listening to The Tater play with his new plastic farm animals, "What does a pig say? A pig says, "oink, oink". What does a doggy say? A doggy says, "ruff, ruff". What does a cow say? A cow says, "I am so delicious!"" #ThatsMyBoy #CowsAreDelicious #BeefItsWhatsForDinner

Today at the gym: used chalk on my hands. Because you know, I'm legit. Also because I sweat like a man, but whatever.  #SweatLikeAMan#LiftLikeAGirl #AndAlwaysEatTheGoldfishTaterOffersBetweenSets

When you're looking at bikes with your six-year-old and according to the height chart, you should both ride the same bike. #CMonMan

For The Tater's birthday, we bought him a bag full of plastic farm animals. The Kid is obsessed with the adult pig:

The Kid: Why does this pig have so many penises?
Me: Those are nipples. And it's because pigs have a lot of babies at one time.
The Kid: Why do they do that?
Me: I don't know why. It's just how pigs do.
The Kid: Well, no wonder she looks so stressed out.

When you're watching an Emily Skye leg and butt workout while eating pie for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving. Get it, Emily! I'll just be over here cheering you on. #ExerciseVicariously #ChocolatePeanutButterPie#BreakfastOfChampions #AndThenIWonderWhyMyPantsDontFit

When you don't own a dog but your yard is currently hosting five. And they have the nerve to poop all over and bark at you when you pull into your own driveway.  #ListenHereDogs  #ThisIsMYHouse #DontMakeMeComeOverThere

Driving home from town yesterday, Husband and I are singing at the top of our lungs to Bon Jovi and The Tater is sitting in the back seat, hands over his ears, yelling, "NO! PLEASE HELP ME!" #ParentsOfTheYear#WeWillBeOnTheVoiceNextSeason

ust watched Trolls with The Kid and then tried to discuss the meaning of happiness (the key theme of the movie):

Me: So, you can find happiness in who you are, not in what you have.
The Kid: Yes, that's true. And also in eating Chick-Fil-A every day without exploding.
#ThatsTheNextThingIWasGoingToSay #ChickFilA #MakesEveryoneHappy#SheTotallyMissedThePoint#WhyDoParentsAttemptDeepDiscussionsWithKids

Today at church = my favorite Sunday of the entire year: The primary program (children ages 4-12). The good news: what The Kid lacks in ability to stay on tune, she more than makes up for in enthusiasm and sheer volume. And, since we've moved to a much, much smaller place, she gets more than one chance to talk into the microphone, which is pretty much her wildest dream coming true. #Winning #WeLoveJesus#CanISitCloserToTheMicrophoneMama

Also at The Peters this morning: being the heartless mother I am, I insisted The Tater wear actual pants instead of shorts since it is 40 degrees outside. He's been on the floor crying for the last 30 minutes screaming, "I don't like it big leg shorts! Want another shorts! Want it small leg shorts!" #HowDareIForceHimIntoPants

It is currently 65 degrees in our house (it was 57, but in a move of what I felt to be extreme magnanimity, I asked Husband to turn on the heater so our kids wouldn't freeze their little yellow skins off), and The Kid is standing completely nude in front of the open freezer saying, "It feels so good to be cool for once!" #WouldYouPutSomeClothesOn #ForHeavenSake#ImGoingToLockHerOutsideWhereIts40Degrees

"Mama, books can take you anywhere. Like to the beach or to the woods or Laura and Mary take you to the prairie. And if you read a book about Jesus, it takes you to church." #IfIReadABookAboutJesusDoIStillPhysicallyHaveToGoToChurch#ImCountingIt #MyMamaSaidBooksWouldTakeYouAnywhere

When you sleep with the window open and wake up to a 60 degree house and feel like a champion. #IWasAPolarBearInMyFormerLife#PullOutTheLongSleeveShirts #MyBestLook

At the end of The Kid's school Thanksgiving party, all of the kids were asked to say something they were thankful for and this, "I'm thankful for the hands that prepared this food." #MormonKid #JustThankfulForTheHands#NotTheWholeBody #SheAlsoEndedHerTurnInTheNameOfJesus

The high school football team will be playing in the second round of the state playoffs tonight and as such, they were the guest car door openers at the elementary this morning (LOVE this about where we live). When The Kid got out of the car, "Good luck in your playoff game tonight. I hope you don't lose. Because I've seen you lose and it wasn't very fun." #GivingCompliments101 #NextTimeJustStopAfterGoodLuck

After two more episodes of The Crown, a few more things: 1. Along with my proper crown, I'm also going to need a double or triple string of real pearls. Or at least fake pearls that click like real pearls. 2. I would like to adopt the babies that play Prince Charles and Princess Anne. 3. The amount of smoking that goes on almost gives me a real life headache. Like the smoke is seeping through the TV. #TheCrown #IReallyDoNeedPearls

The Kid: When will God give you another baby in your belly?
Me: I don't know.
The Kid: Don't worry, I'll talk to him for you.
Me: (under my breath) Bully him is more like it.
The Kid: Oh, mama, I never bully. I've taken the anti-bullying pledge at Buna Elementary. Ms. Darla says we'll make bullying extinct.

Two things: 1. I thought I could squat at least 300 pounds...turns out I can only do it five times and then I feel like I'm going to die. 2. After 30 minutes of watching The Crown, I'm absolutely positive I will be needing a proper crown. #GarnersFitness #300PoundsFeelsLike900#IHaveToGetMyCrownBeforeIBlowOutMyKnees

When your kid asks for several jars of your Mormon peanut butter for the school food drive and you, in your miserliness, think about refusing because you can't just buy that stuff anywhere. #HoardAllTheMormonPeanutButter#SelfishMuch #CanIInterestYouInACanOfDicedTomatoesInstead

The Kid's friend from school has apparently picked herself up a little boyfriend and The Kid does not agree with her choice, "Mama, he gets color changes all the time. He does not make good choices at school. Love is always a bad idea."

I am officially can-no-longer-play-soccer-in-flip-flops-for-an-hour years old.  #GoodGriefMyFeetHurt #AndSoDoesMyEgo #ISuckAtSoccer#AndIWasPlayingAgainstATwoYearOld

The Kid just sat down in front of me with a bottle of lotion and started rubbing my feet, "Mama, I'm rubbing your feet because you've had a really rough day. And it's about to get worse. I've decided I'm going to be a pop star when I grow up." #YouCanBeAnythingYouWantAsLongAsYouKeepRubbingMyFeet#TheRealWayToMyHeart

Best call of the day brought to you by the Kansas game when a player tried to camouflage his blue uniform by laying on the blue grass in the endzone: flagged for excessive trickeration. Because we allow some trickeration, but that? That was excessive. #YouCanOnlyTrickOtherPeopleTHISMuch#AndYouWentOverboard #TricksyKansas#OnceBYUWasFlaggedForIntentionToDeceive#JustMakingUpPenaltiesAsWeGoAlong#CanWeGetAPenaltyOnMikeGundysMullet

I open the door and walk outside this morning:

Me: Ahhhhh! It feels so good out here!
The Kid: Yeah, but it'd feel even better if we were naked!
#BecauseEverythingIsBetterNaked

Getting the kids ready for bed last night:

The Kid: Since daddy's not here, do you need us to snuggle you and keep you company?
Me: Nope. Go get in your own bed.
The Kid: I'm going to take that as a yes.
#NoMeansNo #WhatPartOfNoDontYouUnderstand#BothKidsEndedUpInMyBedAnyway #ItsAKingSizeBed#YetTheyPileUpLikePuppies #GetOffOfMe

A friend posted about hair earlier this evening, which led me to over an hour of watching YouTube videos on how to get that great beachy wave. The best one? A teenage girl holding pink foam curlers in her hands as if they were made of gold, "Like I don't even know what these are called. I found them at Walmart. But they are by far the best thing for curling my hair!" Um....they're called, wait for it, CURLERS. And they've been around since God was a boy. #YouDidntJustDiscoverThem #MyGreatGrandmotherUsedThemToo#Literally#DespiteWatchingAllOfThoseVideosIWillNeverBeAbleToDoMyOwnHair#BecauseImSpecial

The Kid and The Tater are downstairs playing when I tell them it's time to clean up and get ready for bed and apparently The Tater is not pulling his load as The Kid starts screaming, "TATER! I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT!" #SheMightHearThatSometimes #ButNotFromMe #OkMaybeFromMe#ButNotInThatEarSplittingScream

When you walk down the craft aisle in any store and you get the sudden irresistible urge to create something. Then you remember you don't have a creative bone in your body. #Crap #MakingUglyCraftsSince1990

The Kid: Is that show, Bad Moms still out?
Me: I don't know.
The Kid: I don't think you should watch it. Because then you might be scared that you're a bad mom.
#ThanksForNothingKid #AWellPlacedComplimentGoesALongWay

Today that the gym: I lifted heavier and did more reps than I've ever done. And, since there wasn't anyone around to do it, I gave my self a pat on the back and an enthusiastic "o-tsukaresama" and then missed Japan so much I could hardly breathe. #OTsukareSamaDeshita #SweatingLikeAMan#GarnersFitness #DropItLikeASquat#AlsoDropItLikeALungeButNoOneEverSaysThat

The biggest shock of last night: I made pizza for the kids and fish for me. The Kid said she wasn't hungry and The Tater wanted my fish. #WhatIsTheWorldComingTo

Sitting at the kitchen table studying my scriptures when The Tater walks in and says, "Please open your arms for love me mama's boy." #HeReallyIsAMamasBoy #PleaseNeverGrowUp #ForLoveMeMamasBoy

The Kid talked me into buying her her first diary at the school book fair:

The Kid: I need somewhere to write all of my secrets. The Tater can't see them or else he'll tell all of his nursery buddies.
#SixYearOldSecretsAreTopSecret #TheNurseryKidsAreDyingToKnow

Me: Hey, you ready to go to the gym?
The Tater: Nope. Gotta eat eggs and sausage.
#Priorities #AHealthyBreakfastMakesYouAWinner

You know your kid has been watching too many You Tube surprise egg videos when, with everything he brings you, he says, "Let's open it up and see what's inside!"  #Surprise #ItsAPieceOfHam

You know your kid has been watching too many You Tube surprise egg videos when, with everything he brings you, he says, "Let's open it up and see what's inside!"  #Surprise #ItsAPieceOfHam

I remember before I had kids when I used to sleep through the entire night and then wake up and follow an actual schedule. #WhatHappened#LittleMidnightVisitors #And1amVisitors #And3amVisitors#CallingAnAudible #InsteadOfGoingToTheGymImGoingToCleanUpPuke#AndThereHadBetterBeANapInMyFuture

The Kid: Will you give me cooking lessons?
Me: Sure. Then when you're in college and you're a good cook, you'll get all the boys.
The Kid: In that case, I don't want to learn to cook.
#WeDontNeedNoBoys #AWayToABoysHeartIsThroughHisStomach

Making Grandma Beryl's caramel corn in Grandma Phyllis's pan. #ReppinTheFam #ThoseTwoWereRealDames #SundayWin

That one time when you wear your church clothes to Walmart and for all the looks you got, you may as well have been dressed in your evening gown and $11 million diamond necklace. #QueenOfSheba #ImTooSexyForWalmart#IGotMuchBetterService #ImWearingMyCrownNextTime

That one time when Texas A&M loses to a team BYU beat several weeks ago and you want to gloat but Husband is so sad. #NoGloatZone#ButBYUDidBeatMississippiState

I have a church meeting today that is scheduled to begin at 12:30. It is apparent that the women's organization was not consulted in the planning because if they were, there would either be a delicious potluck lunch planned OR the meeting would begin after lunch time. #WouldItBeWrongToBringABucketOfChicken #AndAPackageOfOreos

The Kid: I was telling my class how different Tater and I are. For instance, he has a penis and I have a china. How much more different can you be?
Me: Please tell me you didn't say that out loud.
The Kid: Of course I did.
Me: Of course you did.
#ForTheLove #ReasonsMomDrinks

On a scale of 1-10, how bad would it be to say, drop your kids off at Chuck E. Cheese and come back for them six hours later? Because if it's below a five, I'm totally doing it. #ThanksForCaringForMyKidsChuckE

The Kid just did her first load of HER OWN laundry. I may or may not be crying tears of happiness in the corner. #WatchMyBabyFly#BecauseDoingYourOwnLaundryIsTheBeginning#UpNextIsGettingAJobToSupportHerParents

There is apparently a girl in The Kid's class who is both bossy and a bully, "So, I told her that she'd catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, mama. To be a good friend you need honesty, generosity, and kindness. And honey."  #FriendshipLessons #GetOutTheHoney

I ordered a few of my favorite books to read to The Kid and then just had to read my very favorite one, which I almost finished in a couple of hours:

The Kid: Did you read all of this right now?
Me: Yes.
The Kid: It must be a freakin' page turner!
#FreakinPageTurner #ILoveToRead

We are on Halloween hangover mode. Both kids were up at 5 rummaging through their candy stash, screaming at one another, and watching TV and I just let them do it. #5amWillBe4amNextWeek #SoThatsAwesome#TimeChangesAreStupid #TheKidIsAlreadyPlanningThanksgivingActivities