On Facebook - December 2016

The Kid really was born into the wrong family:

The Kid: Who're we inviting over for the big ball drop tonight?!
Me: No one. I'm going to be in bed.
The Kid: Are you going to wake us up when the ball drops to party?!
Me: Nope.
The Kid: I guess I'll just eat my candy bar now then.
#AlwaysLookingForAParty #PartyPooperParents#WeDontRingInTheNewYear #WeSleepItIn

The Kid: If I sweep or mop, can I have $1?
Me: How about if you do ALL of your chores I give you $1.
The Kid: Make it $2 and I'm in!
#HowAboutISmackYouAroundForAWhile

Had a dream last night that David J. Hall and I received a church assignment as "The Official Dance Instructors" for all youth dances. Hip hop was our specialty. And we were AMAZING. #JustinTimberlakeAintGotNothinOnUs#BringingSexyBack #DropItLikeItsHot

Took The Kid for a haircut and the salon was full of Marines in dress uniform, "Wowee, mama, this place is full of a lot of good looking men!" #SheLovesAManInUniformApparently#SayItALittleLouderIDontThinkTheyHeardYou

For The Kid's Flat Stanley project, we were able to send Stanley to my good friend, Gráinne in Ireland. She sent us this photo of a statue of Molly Malone and this from The Kid, "Mama, her nipples are going to fall out of her dress. She must be pregnant. Because that dog down the road is pregnant and her nipples almost touch the road. It's really not good." #WeRevereMolly#AndAllHistorialFigures #WorriedAboutEveryonesBodyParts

If I had $1 for every time I've said, "PUT THAT KITTY DOWN" over the last week, I'd have $701 trillion. #Maybe702Trillion#MyKidsAreAwesomeListeners #ReasonsMomDrinks

When your three-year-old requests a grilled cheese and then absolutely freaks out when you put bread with cheese on it into the pan. #IDontWantItBread #IDontWantItCheese #FellRightOnTheFloor#AndStartedToScream

The Tater's newest favorite movie is Jungle Book. When asked the main character's name he says, "Carolyn!" Because apparently she and Mowgli have the same hair and wear the same clothes.  #RunAroundInYourUndies#BecauseAintNobodyGotTimeForClothes

Every time I inject a holiday turkey, I'm convinced I missed my calling as a Botox injecting technician. Because I'm pretty sure the technique translates straight across the board. #JustHoldStill #ALittleStick#IWillBringMyOwnSyringe#ImComingToTheOfficeAsSoonAsImDoneWithThisTurkey#NicePlumpBreasts

When the three-year-old wakes up from his nap at 7:30 and couldn't care less that Santa can't come until he goes to sleep for the night. #MamaIsExhausted #SantaWantsMomToSleep

When you bring kittens into a home with a six-year-old who is just like her mother was at that age (a mauler...and I can't even be mad), you and Husband discuss whether it really was more humane to bring them home or if those cats might have preferred being left where they were. #CatMauler#IThinkHeLikesItMama #ImPrettySureHeDoesnt

How my kids clean their rooms: Kid #1 always thinks cleaning is a good idea and then takes approximately 900 hours to finish because she gets distracted by all the things she finds under her mess. Kid #2 always thinks it's a HORRIBLE idea, it takes 899 hours to convince him it's not, and then he cleans for 10 minutes straight and is completely done. #IToldThemSantaCantComeToADirtyHouse #WhenIsTheMaidComing

We were in charge of providing a class gift to each member of The Kid's class. The end result: play doh, bubble gum, and flarp (the farting slime). I wonder how many parents will be cursing my name tonight. #EverythingAParentHates #MerryChristmasAllAround

I don't know what time he got up, but when I woke up to get started, Husband already had 48 pigs-in-a-blanket ready to go for The Kid's class party this morning. I may or may not have almost cried.  #PraiseTheLord#TeamWorkMakesTheDreamWork #IWasSleepingInTatersBed#BecauseTaterWasSleepingInMyBed #Again

At the gym:
Man: Have you been lifting your whole life?
Me: No. I just started dead lifting about three weeks ago.
Man: Why do your legs look like that, then?
Me: It's genetic.
Man: Are you Russian?
#YouCanCallMeOksana  #StraightFromTheMotherLand #IDrinkTheVodka#AndWearFurHats #AndLaughInTheFaceOfDanger#ThanksForTheLegsJudy #ViaChicSadenOfCourse

That one time when it's 35 degrees outside and you're sweeping your floor and you sweep up a small lizard who is making his home by your oven. While I generally have no objections to lizards, I do not welcome surprise reptilian visits on any level. And the first thing you think is a swear word and the second thing you think is, "Why does it have to be a lizard? Why can't it be a fluffy orange kitty?"

Listening to Silent Night on the country oldies station and this:
The Kid: Mama, who's Oll?
Me: Do what?
The Kid: Who. Is. Oll? They say he's calm and bright.
#OllIsCalm #OllIsBright #AccentsMakeEverySongMoreFun

If by "clean eating" you mean eating really, really well until 4pm, I'm going to have to say I'm pretty much a clean eating champion. #AllBetsAreOffAfter4#GiveMeAllTheSugar

So grateful to have friends who volunteer their husbands to fix stuff for me. And so grateful for said husbands who show up after working long hours (or on days off) and fix stuff and tell me how grateful they are for the opportunity to serve.  #IMayOrMayNotNeedAnAttitudeAdjustment#IDontThinkIveEverSaidIWasGratefulToServe

When Husband lets you drive his car with the seat warmers. Even though I'm pretty sure my bum will never be as cold as it was that one time when we were riding a non-heated, plastic-seat-having bus in December in Beijing. #LiterallyAlmostFrozeMyCheeksOff #OkayNotLiterally#ButItWasCOOOOOOOLD #AndImPrettySureWeWereLost#WeWereAlwaysLostInBeijing

So. Turns out you can bench press a lot more if you use proper form. #WhoKnew #SometimesFollowingTheRulesIsAGoodThing #GarnersFitness

My kids are currently fighting over a mixing bowl. Happy Wednesday. #ReasonsMomDrinks

I just heard a version of Baby, It's Cold Outside where the lady sounded drugged and the man sounded like Hannibal Lecter. Girl, you'd better leave off singing and get out of there! #Creepy

Is there any reason why all child related "emergencies" occur when you've already poured the milk into your cereal?

The Kid was the taste-tester for the ham I made for the church Christmas party, "Mama, this is the most delicious thing I've ever eaten! It tastes just like a hot dog!" #NotSureThatsACompliment#FourHoursToMakeAHamThatTastesLikeAHotDog

There's a huge crash upstairs and immediately The Kid starts to wail and runs down to confess:

The Kid: There's been a terrible, terrible accident! How was I supposed to know that if you jumped on the toilet seat, it would break?!
Me: Why were you jumping on the toilet seat to begin with?!
The Kid: Because it seemed like a good idea!
#YoureTheReasonWeCantHaveNiceThings #OrAnUnbrokenToiletSeat

The Kid does not like nacho cheese. Clearly we're raising a communist.

Fact about me: I haaaaaate paying for shipping. I will pay more for a product (up to the amount I would have paid for shipping somewhere else) if they offer free shipping. Also: I love coffee creamer in my hot chocolate. So, now all of my secrets are out. #TheSkeletonsAreOutOfTheCloset#NowICanRunForPresident #TransparencyWinsRaces

In bed this morning, sleeping ("sleeping" being relative) in for the first time in maybe 9 years and at 6:45, The Kid runs in, jumps on top of me and says, "Mama, I'm going to need you to get up and make breakfast. Your children are literally starving to death." #ISeriouslyDoubtThat

Teaching The Tater his body parts and when we get to his legs, he has quads, hamstrings, shins, and naturally, the back of his lower leg is not a calf, but his "piglet".  #SameSame #ItsABabyAnimalOfSomeKind

That one time when your doctor's office calls to confirm your pregnancy (gender) ultrasound appointment and you're all like, "I'm not pregnant anymore" and they're all like, "Your chart says you'll be 20 weeks on Monday" and you're all like, "My body says otherwise". And then you hang up and cry. #NoteToSelf #NextTimeRememberToCancelTheAppointment

After following Emily Skye for almost six months, I finally did one of her free workouts this morning thinking, "How hard can it really be? It's lunges and squats without weights, for heaven sake!" Famous last words of a fool. #EmilySkye #DrippingSweat #SixRoundsNoRest

This morning for breakfast: thrice warmed oatmeal. This in no way indicates culinary fanciness, but rather bespeaks the fact that I'm a mother of small children (one of whom hurled all night..don't even get me started on this recurring theme of my life). And it's only taken two hours to actually sit down to it.  #ThrowUpIsTheBaneOfMyExistence#PraiseTheLordForWashersAndDryers

If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here huffing Almond and Vanilla extract as I "make Christmas cookies".  #OHEMGEE #HeavenSmellsLikeThis

I bench pressed today. Voluntarily. According to the chart on the wall, I'm right on par with an average 9th grade boy. So there's that. #WinForTheDay#SoStrongUpInHere

The Tater just requested Alvin and the Chip-monkeys. I didn't correct him.

The Kid: Mama, what's a falcon?
Me: Dude, you just read a book about a falcon. What is it?
The Kid: All I know is that it's one tricky little bugger.
#FalconsAreTricksy

Day three of morning rain. The Tater and I are snuggled up on the couch watching the Today Show and drinking hot chocolate as he yells repeatedly, "Mama! Tickle my leg! I need candy!" #WeSentDaddyToWork#AndTheKidToSchool #KellyClarksonIsCoHostingOnToday#ThatShouldBeARegularThing #ILoveHer

Every week at church, it's a struggle to make sure The Tater doesn't grab an entire handful of sacrament bread out of the tray. Today I was too late and this from The Kid, "Mama, leave him alone. He's just really excited about the body of Jesus." #AHandfulOfBread #IndicatesExcitement

We own a four bedroom, 2400 square foot house. And yet, our entire four person family is currently literally piled up on top of each other on the three square foot couch. #WhyMustWeAlwaysBeTouching#PleaseRetreatToTheRemaining2397SquareFeet#IAmClaustrophobicAndIWillScream

The Kid: What do you want for Christmas?
Me: I'd like for my kids to not fight.
The Kid: Well, that's not going to happen.

The Kid has a couple of friends over to play this evening and when we pulled out the pepperoni pizza for dinner, this, "Well girls, welcome to heaven." #OoooBabyDoYouKnowWhatThatsWorth #OoooHeavenIsAPlaceOnEarth#TheySayInHeavenPizzaComesFirst

My mother just called to let me know that for Christmas I am getting a bracelet that doubles as a flashlight and a stun gun. #CouldIBeAnyMoreLucky #MerryChristmasToMe#ButNotToAnyoneWhoTriesToTouchMe #BeautifulAndFunctional#ILaughedSoHardISnorted

Oh, to have the confidence of a six-year-old. The Kid told me that today she's trying out to sing a solo at her first grade Christmas concert. Y'all, bless her heart, but she's kind of tone deaf.

I feel like I'm a pretty dedicated worker-outer. Like, I only miss days during the week of Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And sometimes in January. And February. Any who, yesterday, for the first time in my life, I did an entire (heavy) dead lift workout. And today, I'm so sore, I can literally feel each individual muscle fiber in my gluteus maximus and hamstrings. You should watch me try to stand up from a seated position. Like a turtle on it's back. #ImTooOldForThis #WhyIsItSoHard

When you have to take your kid to dance class at 7pm and it feels like the freaking middle of the night. #ItsDarkOutside #AndHasBeenSince530

Do you ever really want to help someone/an organization, but they just make everything so complicated that you give up? And then they can't figure out why they're constantly begging for help.