Wednesday, April 12, 2017

On Facebook - May 2016

Out changing electrical provider to the local rural electric cooperative. Paul Neff would be thrilled to know that I can tell him how much we'll be paying per kW/hr.

That one time when you rent a moving truck and they call you and say the one you reserved isn't available but they'll give you the next size down for half the price and free mileage. And you end up having to drive an 80 mile round trip twice along with a small mudding side trip (cost would have been $1/mile if they would have charged us) and you're all like, "Sucka!"

The town next to the town we moved to it home to a paper mill. Paper mills smell roughly like a port-a-potty on the third day of the county fair:
The Kid: What is that smell?! Are we in Evadale?
Me: Uh huh.
The Kid: I suspected as much.

That one time when you're like, "I'm just going to pull the moving truck up here and throw in all of these boxes" and then you're all like, "Man, it feels like I'm sinking" and it turns out, you totally are...into mud. And you have no way to pull it out and your cell phone has no service and you don't have a home phone. Awesomest. Day. Ever.

The good news: we have enough space in our new house for each kid to have their own bedroom (not that they need their own room). The bad news: The Tater thinks this is an amazing idea until bedtime, when he clearly needs to be in his sister's bed. On top of that, the house is apparently so big, Tater can't find his way around and is continuously lost, which leads to complete and total meltdowns. It. Is. Awesome.

Today: so incredibly grateful for good friends who show up on a Saturday to pack a truck. And amazed that when you reach your destination people you've literally never met show up to unpack it. Because of these people, total time spent "moving" was less than 2.5 hours. #SayWhatYouWillAboutMormons #TheyShowUpToHelp#MaybeTheMormonsWillHelpMeUnpack

Packing when you have children consists of 10% picking up actual garbage they've hidden around your house and 90% looking for both shoes for EVERY. SINGLE. PAIR. OF. SHOES. THEY. OWN. #WeActuallyHaveABoxForShoes #SoWhyIsThereALWAYSOneShoeUptairs

I'm officially to the stage in packing where organization has gone out the window, "I don't care, just put it in a box and we'll have to find it when we get there."

That one time when you're supposed to be moving tomorrow and you wake up at 2am to the melodious sounds of a child vomiting in their bed...and then in yours...and then on the floor numerous times (again, allergy season, GO AWAY). Because three extra loads of laundry and a clingy child is exactly what you need today. #FeelingOverwhelmed #GoodGrief#CanIJustGoBackToBed

When one of the mothers who signed up to help at field day is allergic to grass - like can't touch it, can't smell it, can't be around it. Uh...I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is not the best use of her talents.

In the middle of the class party, The Kid yells across the room, "Mama, you gotta pick Tater's nose! He has nasty boogies!"

My name is Erin Peters and my super power is to greatly overestimate how much stuff can actually fit into a box and underestimate how heavy it will be once I've shoved everything I can into it. #SoFunToLiftHeavyBoxes#MyOtherSuperPowerIsBeingAwesome #KeepingTheAleeveOnStandby

Tantrum of The Day Brought to You By The Two Year Old: Asked for rolled up ham for breakfast. My apparent mistake was in giving one piece to him, the second piece to his sister, and the third piece to him when clearly he should have had the first two pieces. #WhatWasIThinking #StopTheInsanity#ReasonsMyKidCries

Trying to make The Tater play in the water is met with the same resistance as telling him he's going to a concentration camp. #TaterHatesWater#HesAlsoAppatentlyScaredOfGrass #ButHesEatingLunch#EverybodysLunchNotJustHis

At the doctor this fine Monday morning where The Tater is playing with chairs and this from The Kid, "He might be having fun now but he's going to have to get shots and then he'll be in a world of hurt."

I know I have already solidified my status as a party pooper, but here's my thing: within this last week of school, The Kid will have a graduation ceremony, a field trip, a class party, a field day, and a half day on Friday. Why don't we forget all that and just let the kids out of school a week earlier so we can do whatever we want?

We continue to be inundated by slugs after every major rain storm and salting them is one of The Kid's greatest joys. Much to her consternation, The Tater has taken an active interest in the procedure and tonight, actually had the gall to insert himself and this, "TATER! NO! YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF! TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!" #TheKidTalksInCapitalLetters #TheSheerVolumeIsUnparalleled#MyEardrumsAreLiterallyGoingToExplodeOneDay#TeamworkEqualsHerTellingHimWhatToDo

When The Kid wants to go with Husband to the stake priesthood meeting because she's sure the prophet said there would be steak.  #StakeNotSteak#AGatheringOfPeopleVsDeliciousMeat #MaybeThereCouldBeBoth#WillChurchForMeat

My favorite thing EVER = when The Tater holds his arms out for me to pick him up and says, "Mama, hold it!"

Due to children and various other distractions, I have seen the beginning fifteen minutes of the newest Mission Impossible approximately 213 times. Any day now I expect to see the rest of it.

Can someone please explain to me The Tater's obsession with doing headstands right by my face? And therefore, subjecting me to endless kicks to the face, knees to the ears, and toes to the jugular?

The Kid: Mama, when are you going to die?
Me: I don't know.
The Kid: Can you at least wait until I'm twelve?
Me: I'm pretty confident I can eek out another six years.
#HowOldDoesSheThinkIAm #ShortLifeExpectancy

Update on The Winner of The Character Award: 1. After winning The Medal, we went to Chick-Fil-A where they gave The Winner a free fruit cup to celebrate her accomplishment. The Winner now thinks that she will get free stuff wherever she goes as long as she is wearing The Medal. 2. The Medal apparently must be kept sparkling clean at all times as evidenced by the trail of baby wipes left around the house. 3. The Tater is not allowed to touch The Medal. The Winner admonishes that if he's really good, maybe someday he can "have a medal to be responsible for". 4. According to The Winner, she was awarded The Medal because "being nice is her specialty". 5. The Winner slept with The Medal last night.  #MaybeSomedayYouCanBeAWinner#ObnoxiousMuch #IMightArrangeForTheMedalToGetLost

The Kid: Mama, I feel funny.
Me: Are you sick?
The Kid: No, I just feel different. It must be because I'm practically a first grader.

The Kid to her friend after winning the character award, "It really is a shame you didn't win the character award. Maybe you'll do better in first grade." #WayToShowCharacterKid #TryHarderNextTime

This happened today. I cried. The Kid won the character award:
Me: Way to go! You won the character award!
The Kid: Yes, I did.
Me: Do you know what that means?
The Kid: I have no idea. But look, I got a medal!  #winning#WhoCaresAboutCharacter #CheckOutMyMedal

Two things: 1. The positive self-affirmation guy is back at the gym this morning. And he's not shy about it. Day. Made. 2. After almost an entire year of using the hack slide machine, I found out you can recline it. Um...I've been kneeing myself in the gut this entire time because I did not know that. #YoureGoodEnoughYoureSmartEnoughAndEverybodyLikesYou#NoKneesToTheGutEqualsBeingAbleToBreathe

Me: What does a lion say?
The Tater: Roar!
Me: What does a dog say?
The Tater: Ruff.
Me: What does daddy say?
The Tater: I love you!

The Kid is constantly asking me to buy Lunchables, which I refuse to do. So, this morning I cut up ham and cheese and put them with crackers for her lunch and this, "Wowee, mama, you pack a mean lunch!"

That one time when your appraiser calls you with a laundry list of problems from your almost-new home that you didn't even know existed and then you worry about it for 30 minutes before he calls you back to say....he appraised the WRONG HOUSE. #facepalm #seriously #thanksfornothing#YouHadOneJob #FeelsLikeImTakingCrazyPills

Had a dream last night that Kate Middleton and I were BFFs. We tried on the crown jewels followed by fabulous hats and a spot of tea. I even had an accent. It was just like my real life.  #ITooHaveJewels#AndMyBritishAccentIsOnPoint #GiveMeACallKate

The Kid: I want to make a maraca with these two cups but what can we put inside?
Me: How about rice?
The Kid: Well, that won't work. What if we get hungry and need a snack and we open this up and all we have is uncooked rice?! Lucky Charms would be better.
#YesYoureRight #IWasUnawareItWasASnackMaraca #MyMistake

The Kid and I were discussing Independence Day, "Yes, and on the 4th of July we were free from slavery and Betsy Ross sewed a flag and General George Washington and Rosa Parks rode a bus together." #ThatIsAbsolutelyCorrect #TotallyNailedTheHistoryLesson #Winning#HopeYouEnjoyedThatBusRideGeorge

The Tater has started watching a YouTube video where Spiderman is trying to save a crying baby. Every time I hear it, I panic a little and start looking around for a baby to pick up. Then I realize that it's a video and I don't actually have a baby.

The Kid is completely baffled as to why she she has her graduation ceremony next week and then still has to go to school for another week after that. I admit, I feel pretty much the same way.

The Kid: I don't ever want to be an adult.
Me: Me either.
The Kid: But mama, you're already older than the hills.

A couple of things today: 1. I hate the stair master and everything it stands for. 2. I need the gym to begin a remedial core class. 3. Driving Husband's car is like being on vacation - everything inside works including the champion air conditioner. 4. I packed exactly one box today.

The Tater's newest movie obsession = The Croods. Husband says it's because the main character acts just like me.

When two different women complain about filling out their birth year on an intake form because they're "so old". And then you look and both of them are younger than you (and you're not even close to being old). #goodgrief#YouAreNotOld #AgeIsANumber #OldIsAnAttitude

Because things very rarely make sense with a two-year-old:
Me: Hey, guess what?
The Tater: I don't like broccoli.
Me: I love you.
The Tater: I. Don't. Like. It. Broccoli.
Me: You don't like broccoli?
The Tater: Nope. I don't.

The Kid insisted on purchasing kumquats at the grocery store:
The Kid: Ugh, I do not like these.
Me: I tried to tell you.
The Kid: Mama, sometimes I just have to try things for myself, you know. Besides, it was kind of succulent.

The Tater's newest thing: any time he doesn't want to do something he screams, "I don't like broccoli!" #NapsAreBroccoli#ChangingADiaperIsBroccoli #PuttingOnShoesIsBroccoli

Yesterday as we were waiting in the car for Husband outside of the church, The Tater started fussing wanting to leave and this from The Kid, "Tater, you know we can't leave until mama is done plucking her beard." #ThisIsWhatHavingChildrenIs #CantGetAwayWithAnything#YesICarryTweezersAtAllTimes

These two: the ones I waited and prayed for (PS We're still waiting and praying, so if there's another for us, now is a good time to send him/her). The ones I rejoice in. The ones who make me so mad sometimes I could spit. The ones who make me laugh until my throat hurts. The ones who help me feel so much love, I'm afraid my body won't be able to contain it. The ones who make me look at the world in a completely different way. The ones who are happy with sticks and boxes to play with and raw hot dogs for dinner. The ones who learn and grow and discover and take me with them. The ones who hug and sugar and snuggle. Thank you for letting me be your mother - despite all of my imperfections (which are many), my lack of patience, and my inability to draw anything beyond a stick figure. #MothersDay2016 #IPromiseImDoingMyBest #ImYourMother#AndTheresNothingYouCanDoAboutIt

The Kid: Today is Mother's Day and you can pick what we have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
Me: I was hoping for pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.
The Kid: Ok, get in the kitchen and make it!
#happymothersday #ForYourPresentYouGetToCookYourOwnFood  #Yay

Does anyone else ever have days where you feel just crappy enough to not want to get out of bed but well enough to feel really, really guilty about it? #SomeonePleaseComePlayWithMyHair #AndRubMyBack#WhiningInHashTags

The Kid heard a story on the radio several weeks ago about drugs disguised as Skittles in the schools in our area. Since then, she's been very (and I mean VERY) concerned that someone will trick her into taking some. We've had several conversations about it and today, this, "And that is why we don't take drugs. Uh-uh, not THIS family."

The Kid: What did you do today, mama?
Me: Went to a Cinco De Mayo party.
The Kid: Yes, and I'm just so busy with school, I don't even have time for things like that.

The Kid: Today is my imaginary friend's birthday.
Me: I thought that was yesterday.
The Kid: No, this is a different friend.
Me: Huh. Exactly how many imaginary friends do you have?
The Kid: Nine hundred million.

Husband brought The Kid lunch at school today - chicken tenders instead of chicken nuggets:
Me: Hey, daddy said you didn't want the chicken he brought you today.
The Kid: Well, there was too much meat on that chicken.

When you're packing the house (yes, still...or rather, I should say again since I took a two week hiatus) and the two-year-old holds his arms up to you and says, "Mama, I need snuggle up a little bit", you drop everything and snuggle.

I have been informed that today is The Kid's imaginary friend's birthday.
Me: Is she going to have a pool party?
The Kid: I seriously doubt it mama. She's a fairy.

The Kid: Mama, what does michibite mean?
Me: In Japanese, it means "to guide" or maybe "to show the way".
The Kid: Well it sure is a good thing Jesus understands Japanese so he can show those people how to get to heaven.

That one time you're involved in a conversation where the other person keeps using the phrase "brain thrust" (in place of brain trust) and you can't manage to pay attention to what they're saying because you're too busy imagining two brains thrusting and parrying with wee fencing foils. #ImSorryWhatDidYouSay #MyBrainWasBusy #BrainThrust #FencingBrains#SometimesIEntertainMyself

I just love it when I go to dry my hands in the bathroom and instead find a giant glob of toothpaste on the inside of the towel. - No Mother Ever

The Kid: Mama, you should have another baby girl. Tater, don't you want a baby sister?!
The Tater: Nope. I'm good.
#TaterIsTheBaby #NopeImGood  #WeDontNeedNoMoreStinkinBabies

My favorite people = those who can't sing, but sing REALLY loudly to make up for it. Either way, they're champions.

Puke in the car on the way to a church meeting an hour away from home = maybe the least amount of fun I've ever had. Praise the Lord that the town has a Walmart for clean clothes and 409. The good news is, The Puker now "feels like a million bucks". I swear, I am being punished for being so squeamish about puke in my younger years. #SympatheticHurler#IDislikeVomit #MyKidsDontGetSickAlot #ButWhenTheyDoThereWillBePuke

The Kid was explaining one of her shows to me and then this, "It's really complicated, mama. I don't think you can understand."
#MomApparentlyIsntSmartEnough #ThatsBecauseTheShowIsStupid

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