On Facebook - June 2016

The Kid: I love the castle in Harry Potter.
Me: I know! The staircases move!
The Kid: I saw! It's stramazing!
Me: Um, that's not a word.
The Kid: It is now. It's strange AND amazing.
#ThatsDefinitelyMyKid #IAlsoMakeUpWords #AndSoDoesGeorgeBus #Strategery

Things I Never Thought I'd Say #762: Did you just put those meatballs in your diaper?! #JustPutThemInWithYourOtherBalls  #ForSafeKeeping#TotallyMakesSense #IDontUnderstandBoys

That one time when you're trying to concoct a homemade flea repellent for The Stray Dog and you realize it's basically the same recipe as the homemade conditioner you use in your own hair.  #ThatExplainsALot#ImFleaFreeForAReason #DualPurposeHippyProducts

That one time when you put some old fried chicken in the outside garbage and come back an hour later to find three neighborhood dogs eating it....along with The Tater. #HesGoingToHaveAnAmazingImmuneSystem#ImRaisingALittleArlissCoates #WhyAreKidsSoGross#IJustThrewUpInMyMouthALittle

Today: Went to Zumba. Worked a few hours at my old job. Drove through a rainbow on the way home. Pretty perfect day if you ask me!

That one time when you move to a new county and find out the sales tax is 2% less than where you used to live. #winning #PenniesInMyPocket

More things: 1. When I thought about working out this morning, I didn't think it'd include pushing a lawnmower out of shin deep mud. By myself. Twice. I'm pretty sure I've strained something. 2. We might be default dog owners. Despite the fact that I told the kids to KEEP THE DOG OUTSIDE, they had her inside pretty much the entire three hours it took me to mow the lawn. I think The Dog already regrets choosing us - between the two kids, she's likely to be mauled to death.

Leftover steak for lunch:

The Kid: Can I interest you in some delicious meat?
The Tater: Nope.
Me: How about some chicken that looks like steak?
The Tater: Yes, I try some of that meat.

You know you've moved beyond exhaustion when you're watching a clip of the gymnastics Olympic trials and when your kid says, "Wow, she jumps really high!", you start to cry because man, you've never seen someone jump that high.

Steak and potato salad for dinner tonight:

The Kid: My favorite part is the steak! It's one of my favorites.
Me: Well, daddy made it, thank him.
Husband: I was happy to do it.
The Kid: And I'm happy to eat it!

I'm currently reading a book where all of the royals are named after a virtue. I've decided my name would be Lady Princess Sassy Von Lovely Pants. #BecauseIfIdLivedBackThenIWouldHaveBeenAPrincess #Obviously#MyNameWasRevealedToMeInADream #Seriously

The Kid, "Mama, can you help me put on this dress? I want to be the prettiest girl at Walmart." #DoesntTakeMuch #WeAimHighInThisFamily#UpNextBeThePrettiestGirlAtTheCountyFair

You never realize how much your kid falls down until they're falling on a broken (and still uncasted) arm. Hint: It's A LOT. #OhTheCrying#SavingAllTheDramaForHerMama

Due to invasion of my bed which included repeated kicks to the solar plexus, I was forced to make a hasty exit at 1am this morning. By 3, not one, but both children had hunted me down and stolen my pillows and blanket. At 5, they found me in yet another bed and decided it was time for a little chat. #HowDoTheyAlwaysFindMe #DoIHaveATrackingDotAttachedSomewhere#OneThatAlertsThemWhenImEnteringREMSleep#AlsoWhenImHavingFunWithoutThem #OrGoingToTheBathroom#OrEatingSomethingIDontWantToShare#DontTheyKnowImMeanWhenIDontSleep

While patting my head, "Mama, I wish you understood how pretty you are even if you don't have straight, beautiful hair like all of your sisters." #YoureAlmostPretty #WeNeedToDiscussHowToGiveACompliment

Parenting Rule #152: Your kid will always poop their pants right before it's time to leave or right when you get where you're going. PS Nine million bonus points and a virtual high five to anyone who helps The Tater show an interest in potty training. Like you don't even have to do the actual training. Just make him want to do it. #IHateChangingDiapers#IAlsoHatePottyTraining #IAmLateBecauseImWipingBums

After making exactly no profit yesterday with her lemonade stand (despite running out the door shouting every time she heard a car go by), The Kid has decided to slash her prices to 25 cents a cup. And apparently, we're taking this show on the road, going door to door, "But mama, you're going to have to put on a nice dress. No one's going to buy anything if you look like that."  #IWasntEvenWearingYogaPants#SheHasIncreasedHerProductSelectionAsWell#MagicWandsForJust25Cents

Me: Hey, we need to get together a talk on the Holy Ghost.
The Kid: I'll ask daddy to help me since he knows more than you.
Me: Well, what do you know about the Holy Ghost already?
The Kid: The Spirit is great, The Spirit is good, The Spirit will not lead you into the 'hood.
#YouCanTakeAGirlOutOfBeaumont#ButYouCantTakeTheBeaumontOutOfTheGirl #GettinCrunkOutInTheCountry#WhatWeKnowAboutTheSpirit

Plans for The Kid's shop move forward. The Tater has apparently been put in charge of advertising as he's been out on the porch shouting, "SHOP! OPEN TOMAYO!" for the last 30 minutes while The Kid sings like Ariel. If that doesn't bring the customers running, I don't know what will. #ThereWillBeStuffAvailable #FashionStuff #AndStickers#AndTheresApparentlyASoftOpeningBeforeTheGrandOpening

Someone please explain the psychology behind the following phenomenon: 1. Why kids NEVER want to be clean - taking baths, wearing clean clothes (ESPECIALLY clean undies), and washing hands/face. 2. Why kids are sure that a sibling got more of something than them. 3. Why kids don't want to go to bed.  #WhyAreThereSoManyFights #IHateRefereeing #ParentingIsHard

I just drove my lawnmower to the mailbox. Just because I could. #NailingThisRedneckThing

Just spotted a light blue mid-80's Lincoln Continental. The only thing it was missing was the BNEFF license plate and Grandma Beryl in her wrap around sun glasses! #GrandmaBerylWasAClassyBroad #RidingInStyle#ImPrettySureItWasHerOnlyIndulgenceEver

Dear My Children,

When I ask you if you want me to make you a piece of toast, I want to know if you're interested in eating toast. And then when you tell me you don't want any, I assume that means you are not interested in eating toast. So why, after all of that, do you sit at the table begging a bite (read: twelve bites...or and entire piece) of my toast? I'm sorry, but, "I didn't know toast was so delicious" is not valid in this case.

Love,
Your (Still Hungry and Now Has To Make More Toast) Mother

Me: Tater was very good at sharing with the little girls in nursery today.
The Kid: That's probably because he wants to get married with one of them but doesn't know which one to pick yet, so he's just nice to all of them.
Husband: That's right. Playing the odds.
#HowToGetTheGirls101 #BeNiceToAllOfThem#ThenYouGetThePickOfTheLitterLaterOn #WhatWeReallyLearnAtChurch

Today we witnessed a courting ritual between two lizards and this from The Kid, "Hey, look, mama, it's a boy lizard and a girl lizard and the boy lizard is saying, "Hey, how you doin'?!""  
#ThankfullySheLostInterestQuickly #ThatBoyLizardWasntMessingAround#HeHadSomeBusinessToAttendTo
#Yikes

On the loud speaker at Walmart, "I need the customer who is looking for a fan to go to the fan aisle." #ExcellentSuggestion#IfIWasLookingForAFanThatsWhereIdGo

When you pull into the local Valero and they're playing High on You by Survivor, you know you've moved to the right town.

The Kid and I have had several discussions over the last few days about what does and what does not constitute an instance where she can scream for me at the top of her lungs. Apparently, she believes Dora The Explorer falling down or her inability to change the TV channel is reason enough. #DontCryWolf

A few more things: 1. The Tater is terrible at telling on his sister. He runs into the room and yells, "Mama, I'm hitting me!" 2. He has also started quoting Captain Smeck from Home and walks around the house saying, "Well, well, well...". 3. Today was one of those days where I just couldn't bear facing the heat. Even the thought of it was making me sick. 4. I was just thinking that it's been a REALLY long time since I've had exciting Friday night plans. 5. Dr Pepper is the only thing that has gotten me through this week - thanks to the sleeping arrangements I've been forced into, I've woken up every morning exhausted and with a headache.  #whine  #ImSoTired

Told The Kid about the dog who followed us home while she was in surgery and how we had to take the dog back home in our car, "Man, and I bet she was hot dang it mad when you took her back, too."

I just love it when the first thing I hear in the morning is both of my kids screaming at the top of their lungs. - No Parent Ever

A few things: 1. I am hoping our back acre will dry out sometime before 2018 so I can mow it. As it stands, it's a bloody swamp. 2. I mowed the front acre and now there's a cardinal and two blue jays that visit regularly. 3. Tate calls macaroni and cheese Chuck E. Cheese. 4. I miss the gym so much. And by that I mean the Kids Club. Also, the weights because I have no access to heavy stuff. 5. The Kid thinks that if she can't have fun, no one should be able to have fun as evidenced by her crying jag out by the pool when we snuck out to swim for a bit while she was asleep. #IFeelLikeAHighSchooler#GotCaughtHavingFun

I swear to you, being the mother of a two-year-old is exactly like being a cheerleader for a hockey team. Offense, offense, defense, def...offense...WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?

For the first time since we moved, I had the opportunity to go for a run (read: shuffle). At least until The Tater decided to relinquish his role of rider to that of running partner. He probably ran a good half mile total. In rain boots. On the wrong feet. #GetOutAndRun#TaterIsNotAFanOfTheNeighborhoodDogs #WeCollectedSixDogsAllIn

This morning: fired up the ole John Deere D130 in an effort to mow our jungle of a lawn before it rains again (and as someone who used to have to wake up before dawn to bale hay while the dew was still on it, I actually had to google how wet grass can be and still be cut), and naturally, The Kid, convinced that she should have the first ride, tripped and fell down the porch steps and landed on her broken arm while assuring first position over her brother. #ThisIsWhyItTakesNineHoursToMowTheLawn#SheDidntBreakHerOtherArmThough #SoIGuessWeAreBlessed

Since The Breaking of the Arm, there has been precious little sleep to be had in this house. Kids in our bed, us in theirs (Tater refuses to sleep alone, so wherever there's a warm body, he's there), us on the couch, kids on the floor, etc. So, can anyone explain to me why I look and feel like death warmed over but both kids are running around squealing as if nothing is wrong? I'm too old for all nighters.

That one time when you tell your kid she's fine when her arm is not only broken, but will require (outpatient) surgery:

Nurse: I understand you have to have surgery.
The Kid: Yeah, but my mom told me they'd give me the good drugs.

#MyMomTalksAboutDrugs #WeOnlyLikeTheGoodOnes #DrChapmanRules#IAlsoRule  #AnotherParentingWinInTheBooks

Husband drove us all in to town today to run errands while he did a few work things:

Husband: Man, it's after four and we only did like four things.
Me: Yes. That's how it is with kids. That's why I never get anything done.
#RealityCheck #ILoveBringingKidsToTheDoctor#TheOnlyWayToHaveMoreFunIsPokingYourselfInTheEyeWithAFork

I am in a never-ending state of decorating paralysis. I have all of these blank walls and no idea what to do with them. #BlessMyHeart#IAmSooooooNotADecorator #HelpTheDecorativelyHandicapped

The Tater calls an umbrella a "Cinderella". I don't correct him. Also, while I was speaking from the pulpit today in church while holding him, he may or may not have said, "Mama, I poop!" three times. Praise that he's hard to understand.

Husband asked for chili to go on top of his macaroni and cheese:

The Kid: But look out mama, because he might slap you.
Me: What?
Husband: I said it's so good it'll make you want to slap your grandma

Dear The People of Buna,

Thank you for always stopping to make sure I'm ok when I'm parked on the side of the road talking on my phone. However, I assure you I am not in need of assistance, nor am I a creeper, my cell phone just (still) doesn't work at my house and driving up the road is the only way to make phone calls.

Your (New) Friend,
Erin

After 24 hours of solid research, it has been determined that a five-year-old's broken arm hurts 74 times worse if: 1. She doesn't get to pick what's on TV and 2. She walks into our bedroom at 1am to find that unbeknownst to her, her brother has sneaked out of her room and into our bed. #ThereWereRealTears #MyArmHurtsAndIWantToSleepInYourBed#AreYouAwareMyArmIsBroken

That one time when you have to go to a different pediatrician because your pediatrician is out of town and a fellow patient takes off her flip flop and smacks her one-year-old in the face with it. And let me tell you, she held nothing back. #WinningAtMothering #MakesMeLookLikeMotherTeresa

Had a dream last night that I was best friends with LeBron James. Then, we got our four wheeler stuck and he didn't know how to get it out and I was all like, "I'm sorry, LeBron, but I can't be friends with someone who doesn't know stuff like that."

The kids in the back seat fighting over a bag of Cheetos:

The Tater: Give me! I need it Cheetos!
The Kid: Fine, Satan, just take them!

The Kid: Can we get Pizza Hut with cheese in the crust for lunch?
Me: Nope.
The Kid: But mama, it's full of creamy goodness!
#TheAdvertisingIsWorking #PowerOfSuggestion#ISayNoNineMillionTimesADay

Made the rookie mistake of telling The Kid that there are prizes for the summer reading program when she reaches 100 books. She started yesterday and is 17 books in, "Mama, I plan to have a nice prize by next Thursday."

Had one of our neighbors stop by today to make sure we'd "found a church in the area". When I told her we have and told her which one she said, "The people who lived here before were Pentecostal but at least they believed in Jesus." Um...thanks for welcoming us to the neighborhood. PS I also believe in Jesus. #TheNeighborsAreMormon #GetOutThePitchforks#NoCookiesForHer

The Tater has suddenly become obsessed with eggs. Every time I open the refrigerator, he begs and begs to be granted one raw egg to run around the house with. Yesterday he tripped and fell with two different eggs (praise that we have hardwood floors now) and then had a massive conniption when I wouldn't give him another one. Later, I found him climbing the refrigerator shelves and was too late to save the entire dozen he had in his hands. #ScrambledEggsAnyone #NoIDidNotGetThemOffOfTheFloor#WhatWouldMakeYouThinkThat

The Kid just fell asleep at the table and the other one is asleep in my bed. They were up at 4:30 screaming at one another over a difference of opinion on blanket usage.  #HeavenHelpMe#TheyBothHaveTheirOwnBedsAndTheirOwnBlankets

The Kid: We sure were lucky to get a house with a pool.
Me: Yes, we were.
The Kid: That Jesus must think we're really something to bless us so much.
Me: ...

A conversation between my children:

The Kid: Do you ever wonder what you'll look like when you grow up?
The Tater: Nope.
The Kid: Well, I hope it's not like Frankie Fishlips. Because he is not at all attractive.

Me: You're supposed to be taking a nap!
The Tater: Nope, I don't take a nap. I poop my pants.

The Relief Society presidency gifted us a basket full of welcoming treats today. As soon as The Kid clapped eyes on it, "Mama, allow me to carry that heavy, heavy basket for you."

PS Other reasons why I appreciate the Buna ward: they keep the air conditioning on in every room for the entire three hour meeting block, they give us free giant zucchini, and they don't lallygag through The Spirit of God (I've never sang that song at such a lively clip).

Trying with everything I have to teach The Kid about putting healthy food into her body:

The Kid: Mama, can I have some Oreos?
Me: How about some strawberries or something more healthy?
The Kid: Oh, give me some milk to dip the Oreos in and BAM! Healthy!
Me: Will you drink the milk when you're done?
The Kid: Nope. I'll pour it out. Milk is nasty.

#NailedIt #WeKnowWhatHealthyIs

Due to rain and flooding, our road was closed all day yesterday. It may have addled The Tater. He's been carrying a raw egg around all morning. #IStillHaveNoPhoneService #ToUseThePhoneDriveUpTheRoad#ButOnlyHalfAMile

It is amazing what kids will find to fight over when you're cleaning a literally empty apartment. One found a butter knife in the cupboard and the other one has apparently never seen such an amazing item in their entire life. #Seriously #MaybeIShouldJustBuyNineMillionButterKnives