Wednesday, April 12, 2017

On Facebook - July 2016

Husband blessed the sacrament today and this from The Kid, "Was that daddy? He has the most amazingly impressive voice!" #Smitten#ThatsHowHeHookedMeToo

What I wish I could get The Kid to understand: While all people are created equal, all pizzas are not.

Poured The Tater a bowl of goldfish this morning and this, "Leave the fish at the table." #HadAHardNightDidYa #PutItOnMyTab#BartenderAnotherRoundIfYouPlease

The Tater's newest thing - ending all sentences with either, "for me" or "for a minute". My favorite one from today was when I asked him to put the dog outside, "No, I don't do that for a minute."

I think maybe my favorite part of being a mother is listening to The Kid (AKA Mauler #1) instruct The Tater (AKA Mauler #2) on how to NOT maul the dog. #TheDogHasOnlyBittenThemOncce #TheDogWithThePatienceOfJob

The Kid: What are we going to do today?
Me: Make bread, put together that bookcase, and clean the bathrooms.
The Kid: And after that, can we go out and look for diamonds and gold in the front grass?

Because he stands by me, stands up for me, and makes me delicious food. Because he didn't run away after me telling him I loved him after three days of talking on the phone. Because he bought a riding lawnmower. Because he is patient. Because we share the same fanatical love for college football. Because he grows a goatee when I ask him to. Because he likes my curly hair and my love of overalls. Because he's cried with me. Because he moved "to the country" to make me happy. Because life wouldn't be the same without him in it.

That one time when you see that the little piece in front of your neighbor's fence needs mowing, so you do it for him. And then he comes out of his house and thanks you for mowing but wonders if next time you could hold off until a little later because you woke him up. It was 10:45am. #HeSleepsAllDayAndAllNight #HeDoesntHaveAJob #NoMoreServiceForYou

The Kid: I've decided I should be president since I can't vote for Ms. Hillary or Mr. Donald.
Me: Oh, yeah? What's your platform?
The Kid: Free pepperoni pizza for everyone and I would cancel all math tests.

This guy is loved and adored by all of us. The kids race to meet him at the door when he gets home. They fight to sugar him when he leaves. He can get them to do almost anything without whining (is he magic?! Probably. Because I can't.) He maintains his cool (again, by some weird magic) when I am ready to throttle both of them. And again, nothing to do with anything, but since my car is a little iffy, he does all he can to be at home to drive us when we need to go medium to long distances. It gives me a chance to look out the window, which, as we all know, is my very favorite pastime.

January 5, 2007: It was approximately 10 degrees outside with a -72 degree windchill on the day we were married (that might be a SMALL exaggeration). Husband nearly froze his little yellow skin off taking pictures I insisted upon (our photographer went to the wrong instead, my sister took some with my tiny camera). Husband wanted to get married in March in Houston, but I thought Utah in January because I knew what was good for us (in my defense, we were dating/engaged long distance and it was terrible and I just wanted it to be over). Everyone told us being married would be challenging as we "got used to one another", but from day one, being married to Husband has been cake.

Talking about the little dog that has adopted us:
The Kid: She's just a puppy. She'll get bigger.
Me: I don't think so, dude. I think she's a fully grown dog.
The Kid: Then why's she so little?
Me: Some dogs just are.
The Kid: Oh, kind of like people? Like Becky Mahana is an adult and she's little but you're not little.

September 2013: That one time when Husband bought BYU gameday t-shrts for BOTH OF US for my birthday and then as an ultimate sacrifice, actually wore his. I believe I demanded the fight song as well and he delivered. In retribution, he made me watch highlights from the 1990 Holiday Bowl. That, my friends, is called compromise. And that's what makes a marriage work.  #WinningAtMarriage#The1990HolidayBowlMakesMeCry #AntiBYUManWearsBYUTShirt

Me: Dude, will you stop ripping up the paper towels? You're making a huge mess.
The Kid: But mama, I'm using my imagination. How can you deny me proper materials?
#Crap #SheTotallyOutsmartedMe #AboveAllWeMustHaveProperMaterials

Day 3:  #LoveYourSpouseChallenge - post a picture and say nice things. That's how this works.
October 2014. Husband makes me feel like a million bucks. Or maybe a trillion. He says he likes a girl with meat on her bones, which I just happen to have in abundance. This has nothing to do with anything, but another of my favorite things about Husband is that he supports whatever I want to do. In fact, I believe his favorite thing to say is, "If you want to do it, do it!" It's an amazing thing if I've already made up my mind to do something and maybe the most annoying thing ever if I'm wavering and I just wish he'd give me a firm yes or no. Just as a PS to this picture, no Husband is not holding a snake - that is a tree branch - and no, we are not filming the next Brittany Spears video (although, Brittany, if you're reading this, we are available for a small fee). 

Me: Isn't this My Little Pony? Why are they walking around on two legs like people?
The Kid: Well, mama, there are two dimensions in Equestria.
#WellOfCourseThereWouldBe #WhereHaveIBeen#CanIHaveAnotherDimensionInMyLife #OneWhereIDontFoldLaundry

Day 2: Love Your Spouse (PS Spouse is a word no one should ever use. Just like moist. And penetrate.) Celebrating marriage for all to see. 
Halloween 2006. My mom and I dressed up like cows and my dad said our costumes were "vulgar" because our udders were just hanging out there for everyone to see. Husband and I were relatively newly engaged (and by that, I mean that I'd told him we were getting married and when and BAM! Engaged!), so he couldn't balk when it was time for this photo. And that's what I love about Husband - despite my love of doing funny things just for the picture, he's never embarrassed by me. Or if he is, he never shows it. And also, he look goooooood in blue.

Day 1: I love Husband. There are so many variations on this "challenge", so I'm just doing it my own way. 
I knew I loved Husband before I ever clapped eyes on him. Here's a picture of us ten years ago almost to the day. Celebrating a time when we both had more hair, less belly fat (but not, apparently, before I had three chins), and were blissfully ignorant of anything the future might hold for us. This was before cell phones with good cameras on them and also before the "selfie" was a thing. It was a good time historically speaking.

When you buy wasp spray and wield it like Wyatt Earp. If only I had a holster and an ankle length black duster, my life would be complete. #GoAheadSkinThatSmokeWagon  #TellEmImComingAndHellsComingWithMe#KillAllTheWasps #BiggestWaspsIveEverSeen  #AndTheyreRed#WhichMeansTheyreEvil #TakeThatSucka

The Kid walks out of my closet crying:
The Kid: I just heard a song so beautiful it's making me cry happy tears.
Me: Really. What is it?
The Kid: Shut Up and Dance.

The Kid walks into my bedroom carrying a can of whipped cream and says, "C'mon, mama, how about a little birthday squirt." #WeKnowHowToParty

On this day six years ago, this one came rocketing into our lives (ok, more like they pulled her scratching and clawing) and changed us forever. She's smart. She's funny. She genuinely cares about people. She loves her tablet. She's almost always positive. She loves pizza and taco soup. She's the first to offer a sugar or a love. She has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. Happy, happy birthday, The Kid! #SixYearsOld #WhereHasTheTimeGone #TheKid#SheIsAcceptingAllGifts

You never realize how much flailing your kids do until you have an open container on an airplane. #BathedInAppleJuice #AndBackWash#AndImPrettySureIHaveSoggyGoldFishStuckToMyBackside

That one time when you're flying with little kids and you tell them they should eat breakfast since they'll be hungry and you won't have time to eat at the airport and they promise with all their little pea-pickin' hearts that they're not hungry and no, they definitely won't whine about being hungry at the airport. #SurpriseWeAreHungry  #FiveYearOldLogic#IDidntKnowYouMeantIShouldEatBreakfastThisMorning#IThoughtYouMeantTomorrow

"Mama, I sure am happy you suggested this nice bath to help warm up my cold, cold heart." #SoThatsHowYouDoIt #BathsAllAround

As a mother of young children, it is extremely rare to be touched without someone wanting something from you. Or hanging on you. Or whining at you. Fast forward to last night when my mother played with my hair (my favorite thing EVER) for over an hour and expected nothing in return. Best. Night. Of. My. Life. #PleaseBeNiceToMe #ImJustLikeADog#AllIWantIsForSomeoneToPetMe

The Kid's first casino experience in lovely Wendover, Nevada. We walk in and she says, "Look at all of these giant video games! This place is AMAZING.!" #BendOverWendover #NevadaGirl #winning#GrandmaDigsTheBuffet #EatingAt4pmWithAllTheOldPeople#WeActuallyHadToStandInLine

Re-reading the letters my dad sent me at the beginning of my mission when I was really, REALLY struggling to assimilate to Japanese culture, language, companion and missionary work in general. I'm pretty sure I didn't understand back then as I understand now the anxiety he and my mom felt for me at that time and exactly how hard they prayed for me. Makes me miss him even more.

That one time when you find your kid eating a candle because it still had chocolate frosting on it. Guess chocolate really does make everything better.  #DeliciousWaxTreat

I don't have any pictures of the sister The Kid is named after at my house, so since we've been back in Nevada, I've shown her several and this, "I really like this picture of Aunt Carolyn. She looks so pretty. Pretty and maybe a little feisty."

At church with my mother and stole a piece of her gum, "Erin, hey, I'll tell ya, I can't chew a whole piece or else I get carried away." #WeChewLikeCows#MoreOldLadyGoals #AlwaysHaveGum

With all of the things that have happened within the last week, I believe country music (specifically Tracy Lawrence) holds the answer: 
If the world had a front porch,
Like we did back then,
We'd still have our problems,
But we'd all be friends,
Treating Your Neighbor,
Like he's your next of kin,
Wouldn't be gone with the wind,
If the World had a front porch,
Like we did back then.
#JustBeNice #KindnessBegetsKindness #FrontPorch

As we land, the pilot comes on the speaker to thank us for flying with his airline and The Kid yells, "And I thank you for flying us here! Thank you for bringing us to Utah!"

That one time when you're packing and you think, "Heather Griffitts Porteralways says to pack extra clothes for you and your kids in the carry on, but I'm not sure I need to since we've never had an issue before." But, at the last second, you throw some in. Fast forward six hours when you're at DWF covered in child vomit... #Delicious #TwoThirtyOneLadiesHelpedMe#TheyllGoStraightToHeaven

That one time when your remain-clothed-at-all-times obsessed child strips down to his diaper and takes off in the middle of the airport while your back is turned. In his defense, it was approximately 900 degrees inside. #HowAboutALittleAirConditioningBeaumont #HeGotOutOfHisClothesFast#HeMayHaveAFutureAsAStripper #SomethingToLookForwardTo

At the risk of sounding like an 80-year-old woman, Werther's Originals are DELICIOUS. In 40 more years, I'm going to stock my purse with them and force them on small children while probably completely freaking out their mothers as to why I'm making their children take candy from me. It's going to be awesome. #LifeGoals #IAlsoPlanToSwearALot#AndMaybeDyeMyHairPurple

The Tater got in trouble this morning for being by the pool without adult supervision. As I was hauling him back in the house, The Kid raised one finger and said, "Might I suggest a punishment?" #MightISuggestYouMindYourOwnBusiness #BusyBody #NoseyRosie

Remember the old chicken farmers from Napoleon Dynamite? I'm pretty sure I just met one of them. It took everything I had not to say, "I didn't understand a word you just said."

1. It's really hard to exercise effectively when you don't sleep well. 2. Between the Jasper County Sheriff and the THP, it's a really good idea to NEVER speed in Buna. 3. We just scored a new (to us) couch thanks Jaime Scott Holman. And getting it upstairs was maybe the most outstanding thing I've ever done.

The Tater all during Finding Dory, "There she is! I find it, my Dory! The end!" #Ellen #WeFoundDory #NineHundredTimes #AndHeWasntQuietAboutIt

That one time when you wait ALL DAY for a fridge repair appointment sometime between 8-5 and they never show up, so you call the service line:
Me: Someone was supposed to come today to fix our refrigerator and they never showed up.
Service Guy: Let me check on that for you. Yes. It appears he was unable to make it.
#IJustToldYouThat #NextAvailableAppointmentIsInTwoWeeks

Things I say seventy-five times EVERYDAY:
1. I'm not talking about what we've having for lunch. We JUST finished breakfast.
2. Come in or go out, but CLOSE THE DOOR!
3. You can't have candy right now. That's like having a beer for breakfast.
4. No, ice cream is not healthy.
5. If he's bothering you, go somewhere he's not!
6. That's enough, dude.
7. No, we don't kick. Or hit.
8. Why are you naked??
10. Stop letting the dog in the house!

We attempted to talk The Kid into letting us pull her front tooth (it's literally hanging sideways), which led to over 30 minutes of her squealing, crying, and hyperventilating followed by this, "Please just give me a spanking! I just want to be spanked instead!"  #SheStillHasHerTooth#KidOneMomAndDadZero  #GoodGrief

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