Thursday, April 13, 2017

On Facebook - January 2017

When you hit the local high school girl's basketball game and they play the same offense you played in high school. And the other team has six girls a la Austin High School. #ThatOffenseIsAtLeastTwentyYearsOld #Nostalgia#FormerPointGuard #IUsedToThinkIWasAStar #WellsHighSchool#MyMusclesAreBiggerNow #AndSoIsMyNeckWaddle

Me: Dude, something smells. Did you poop your pants?
The Tater: Nope. It's the kitty poop his pants.

When you have an in depth, rather long conversation with a man at Tractor Supply about cats, you know you live in the right place. #IveFoundMyPeople#YoureSpeakingMyLanguage #HeOnceHadFiftyCats #ExcessiveMuch

The Tater was being naughty and looking to me to laugh at him:
Me: That's not funny, dude.
The Tater: It is a little funny, Mama Pig.
#GoodGrief #TooMuchPeppaPig

I've said it before and I'll say it again: it is ALWAYS disappointing to find out you're not as strong as you think you are. #SquatDepthIsStupid#ICouldLift900PoundsIfIDidntHaveToSquatParallel #OkMaybeNot900#ButAtLeast895

To say that dinner was unsuccessful this evening is a massive understatement. At one point, both kids were howling (bypassed simple crying straight away) because they were sure they were being force fed poison in the form of vegetables and noodles and then one proceeded to run upstairs and wail about how she's probably going to starve to death because her mother refused to make her something different. #IAmNotAShortOrderCook #GoAheadAndSTARVE#IfSheDoesntEatWithMeSheDoesntEatAtAll #ReasonsMomDrinks#MomImSorryForEveryMealIveEverComplainedAbout

The Kid comes home from school, runs in the door, and immediately bears down on the kitties screaming, "COME HERE, KITTY!" When both of them bolt she turns around and says, "Why don't the kitties come to me?!" #IHaveNoIdea #ICantEvenImagine#CouldBeBecauseTheyDontLikeBeingMauled #ButWhatDoIKnow

When you have to be on a phone call with an automated system, your kid is screaming bloody murder in the background, and the system just keeps repeating, "I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Let's try that again." And then you're madly punching the 0 button and muttering hotly under your breath, "JUST TRANSFER ME TO A REAL PERSON, FOR. THE. LOVE." #AtLeastICanExplainTheScreamingKidToARealPerson#AndThenTheyGetToHearHimScreamToo#YouAreWelcomeCustomerServiceMan

Me: Do you know what my favorite thing about you is, baby?
The Kid: That I'm cute?
Me: No, I love that you are always positive in every situation.
The Kid: Well, that's a super power, actually. AND I'm cute.
#ThePowerOfPositivity #PositivityIsASuperPower

That one time when you're attempting to plank (yes, on purpose) and your 40-pound three-year-old flings himself on your back shouting, "Ima RIDE THE PONY!"  #ThisPonyDoesntDoRides#ThisPonyHasTheWeakestCoreOnThePlanet#ThisPonyDoesntNeed40ExtraPounds #NowGoGetThePonyADrPepper#STAT

The three-year-old has just discovered that the vacuum actually sucks stuff up. He's currently screaming because I banned him from using it after fishing out batteries, pencils, Christmas candy, and a Barbie doll head. #HesGettingAShopVacForHisBirthday#ThinkAboutHowMuchFunHeCouldHave

The Kid: Mama, I have amazing news! Even if I run around naked on St. Patrick's Day, you can't pinch me because my eyes are green!
Me: That is good news.

This morning at 5:45, The Kid walks into our bathroom and announces that she is bored. Because apparently she'd already accomplished her list for the day in the two hours she'd been awake (and thundering around the house) before that. Just an FYI, but her "appropriate time to get up" alarm would not go off for another forty-five minutes.  #ReasonsMomDrinks#IHaventHadADrPepperInThreeDays #TodayIWillHaveOneBefore8AM#MyHealthAssessmentSuggestsIGetMoreSleep

That one time when you decide to go ahead and ride your bike to the gym because "it's not that far and the road is flat", but forget to factor in the fact that you've not actually ridden a bike any significant distance on purpose for fifteen years and riding a bike when you have to is stupid (Mia Ardans Krenka, just like snowshoeing). And three people stop to help you along the way because you apparently look quite verklempt and perhaps even a bit nauseated. And then you get to the gym and you've forgotten that it's squat day. #ThisDayIsStupid #WeHadToGetSomeoneToBringUsHome#ImSorryICantSquat #BecauseMyQuadsAreOnFire

My least favorite day of the year: taking the health assessment for insurance purposes. Results are in: I'm chubby. Tell me this, which chubby person on this earth is going to take this assessment and be all like, "What?! I'm chubby?! Ridiculous!" We know already, y'all. Really, we do. Also, they recommend I get more sleep. Again, thanks a million. #ThingsIAlreadyKnow#CantIJustCopyLastYearsAssessment #NothingHasChanged#ExceptIMightTakeUpDrinkingAfterTakingThisHealthAssessment

In an effort to gear up for the inauguration, it's time to binge on The West Wing (while peeling millions of apples). #JedBartletForPresident#SamSeabornIsMyFavoritePartOfTheShow

The Tater has been toting around a black, sequined purse for the last 24-hours and referring to it as his "handbag". Because apparently he's an 80-year-old woman at heart.

And during last night's game:
The Kid: Why do they keep calling that man Dak?
Me: Because that's his name.
The Kid: His mother must not have liked him very much.

At the end of the Cowboys/Packers game last night:
The Kid: YES! My team won!
Me: I thought you were rooting for the Cowboys with me!
The Kid: Mama, the Cowboys were dead to me like twenty minutes ago.
#YouAreDeadToMe #ThanksForNothingCowboys

Today: a school holiday. Meaning we have no where to be and can sleep as long as we want. Both kids hit the floor running at 3:45 because "the sky's awake (damn you, Frozen, it was most definitely NOT awake) and we're hungry".  #IsThisAJoke #HowIsItNotAJoke #NoSeriously#TheTantrumsWillBeginInTMinusOneHour

With the college football season ending, it's time for me to jump on the NFL playoff bandwagon. I was going to go all Texas, but the Texans let me down last night and the Cowboys look like they've already given up. Looks like I'm in for the Packers because #1 I love cheese and #2 I'm a huge fan of the girlfriend of Aaron Rodgers. #SolidReasoning #IPutSomeThoughtIntoThis#GoCowboysAnyway #GoPackers #GoDak #GoAaron #GoDez#ILoveOliviaMunn

You know, my whole life I've been entirely aware that I favor my mother. But even at that, it's always a shock when I look in the mirror and see her staring back at me. It's the eyes, I think. #HolyCrap #IAMMyMother#TheSadenGenesAreStrongWithThisOne #MyEyesDisappearWhenISmile#ButIveEarnedTheCrowsFeetAllByMyOnesies #AtLeastIHaveCoolTeeth

"You know, mama, it's really ok that we had to kill a pig for breakfast. Because bacon is delicious!" 🥓 

When you're waiting for the bus with your kid on January 12th and you're being eaten alive by mosquitoes. 

For the first time this evening, they had the blinds open to The Kid's tap class. When she came out, "Mama, I'm so glad you got to see. I was even better than usual tonight!" 

The Kid has just received her first taste of being a sturdy girl: she'll serve as a base in her tumbling class recital. #BlessHerHeart #SheWillNeverBeAFlyer#AllAboutThatBase #SeeWhatIDidThere

When you're folding laundry and for the first time in your ten year marriage, ALL undies and socks have matchers. And even better, Justin Timberlake comes on during the folding process and you stop to partake in a litte impromptu dance party with The Tater who is yelling, "THAT'S A GOOD DANCING SONG!" #MyLifeReallyIsSoExciting #MatchingSocks#ThePrideOfPrinces #JTMakesEverythingBetter #CantStopTheFeeling#TheTaterHasGoodTasteInMusic

The bonus of not having a car: The Kid's dream of being a bus rider has come true. It's apparently the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her. #AndTheBusComesRightToOurDoor #ItHasTintedWindows#SoItsAlsoMysterious

That one time when your car is broken down and you can't get to the gym so you decide to do a Zumba workout at your house despite the fact that you haven't done Zumba in over six months and you're all like, I can totally do this, and then after about three songs (where you only remember half the choreography, so it's really just a lot of jumping around), you're dripping sweat and huffing like a hippopotamus after a 50 yard dash. Me. This morning. It. Was. Not. Pretty. #ZumbaIsNotForWimps #ItMadeThingsJiggle

I'm over January. January is like an entire month of Mondays. #BrokenDownCar #TaterGaveTheCatABloodyNose

You know what's stupid? When cars break down. Stupid. Stupid. Stoooopid.

Thoughts on the NCAA championship tonight: 1. I'm pleased as punch to see Steve Sarkisian get a second chance. But I'm still not rooting for Alabama. 2. The head referee has got to be 50 if he's a day and did you see his GUNS?! And his amazing tan? Flex 'em up, there killer! #NationalChampionship #Espn #SteveSarkisian #RefereesWithMuscles#YourNextPinUpCalendar

Does anyone have a cure for the after-school-whines? I thought she was hungry, so I fed her. She's already had an hour of physical activity. I let her take a bath. And still...I can handle a lot of things but whining is not one of them.

Just me and the grannies today at the post office. We complimented one another's nails and reminisced about the good old days while waiting for the postal worker to figure out international postage. A good time was had by all.  #IHangWithTheGrannies #WeGetAlong#ProbablyBecauseWeHaveTheSameBedTime

The kitties breathed a collective sigh of relief as The Kid headed off to school today. They are semi-free from tyranny for a good seven hours every day for the next five months. #DontWorry#SheWokeUpAtFourToGetHerMaulingTimeIn

It literally took 45 minutes this morning to find weather appropriate clothing for both kids and then attempt to help them realize they actually needed it. In the end, The Tater left the house in shorts and a (non-zipped, screamed about it for twenty minutes) jacket and The Kid went in her pirate wench dress with a pair of (very, very forced) sweatpants underneath.  #Fine#FreezeToDeath #SeeIfICare

That one time when you're headed somewhere, realize you've forgotten your keys, and your child slams the (already locked) door, leaving you literally out in the cold (ok, cold for Texas). And immediately, The Kid starts to wail, "What are we going to do for food and shelter?!" And that leads to both of you slogging through the mud in the crawl space, looking for a spare key that fell through the cracks in the porch five months ago as The Tater repeatedly screams, "That's a big, huge spider, mama!" And naturally, you do not find the key, but The Kid exclaims loudly over everything she does find, leading you to falsely believe you are SAVED every seven seconds. And in the end, after you're unable to pick the lock (it looks so easy on TV), you're forced to execute a massive break-in and drive like a bat out of hell to get where you're supposed to be. #IdBeATerribleCriminal#AndIHaveNoGraceInSituationsLikeThis #AlsoNoPatience#WouldYouStopCryingForTheLove #WeWillNotDieNorStarveIfWeCantGetIn

In ten years: one really (really) long distance relationship. Two homes. Eight jobs (between the two of us). A scary hospital stay. The loss of two parents. Fertility treatments. Miscarriages. Two children. One move. Owning our own home. The same two cars. Celebrating our 30's together. Laughing until I snort. And I still rejoice in the fact that when we were talking about getting married (and by that I mean I was talking and he was listening), I said, "Let's not do an engagement ring though, ok? Let's spend that money on the most comfortable bed we can find." This man: the only one in the world that deals beautifully with my special brand of crazy. I love you everyday. Even on Tuesdays. And even if my calves are bigger than yours. #10thAnniversary#DoubleDigits  #LikeABoss #NailingThisMarriageThing

Huge crash upstairs, followed by wailing, and the thunder of little feet racing to get to me to win the tattletale race:
The Kid: Tater just pushed me and I think he's damaged my spleen!
Me: Do you even know where your spleen is?
The Kid: Well, I do now, since Tater hurt it!
#OfCourseHeDamagedYourSpleen #HeDidntDamageYourTongueThough

The Tater's newest saying, "Mama, I don't try to kick the cat. He's a good guy."

I have this conversation with The Tater at least twenty times everyday:
The Tater: Mama, please help me.
Me: What do you need?
The Tater: I just sad.
Me: Why are you sad?
The Tater: ....mama, please help me.
#AndRepeat #AgainAndAgainAndAgain

Dear McDonald's,
Thank you for creating the worst kid's meal toy in the history of EVER (an elephant that sings one line from a song over and over and over). And even better, you've made it respond to any kind of loud noise my children make, so as they're screaming at each other in the back seat, your toy is loudly singing, "Don't you worry 'bout a thing, don't you worry 'bout a thing, BABY!" It. Is. Awesome.

The Kid stopped in front of a photo of a weightlifting model at the gym this morning:
The Kid: Daddy doesn't look anything like that.
Me: Why not?
The Kid: Well, he doesn't have any of those short stretchy pants. And also, he doesn't have abs.
#AlsoNoSprayTan #ButLuckilyMyAbsDoLookLikeAFitnessModel

"Mama, guess what Tater has done! He's spilled grape juice all over the floor! He's an abomination!"

I hear a cat yowling and find The Kid with it in a death grip:
Me: Dude! Let him go!
The Kid: But yesterday at church Holli said you should hug someone when they feel bad.
Me: I'm pretty sure the five love languages don't apply to cats.
The Kid: Because cats only have three love languages?

The Kid used some of her own money to purchase a pack of gum. Currently she is racing around the house with it as The Tater runs after her screaming, "Sister! Share with your brother!"

"Mama, I just saw on YouTube that a lot of people didn't like 2016. But we got cats in 2016 and that's not bad for anyone." #Indeed #SoundLogic#HappyNewYear #2016WasAwesomeBecauseOfCats

No comments: