Friday, April 21, 2017

On Facebook - February 2017

Me: What's your favorite fruit?
The Tater: Ice cream!
Me: Ice cream isn't a fruit.
The Tater: I think my favorite fruit is chocolate!
#ParentingWin #TeachThemCorrectPrinciples

Amazing news: I've found a workout program that says if I plank everyday for the next 28 days, I'll be bikini ready. That means March 26th, it's on like donkey kong. You're not going to want to miss this. #ExceptYouProbablyWillWantToMissIt#BecauseNoAmountOfPlankingCanChangeGenetics #BeerBelly#IveNeverActuallyHadABeer

Husband brought home a can of Tang. It tastes just like my childhood.

For those of you who are the praying type, please add this to your mantra for the next 45 minutes, "Dear Lord, Please bless Erin that she won't spontaneously urinate on the dead lift platform. Also, help her to not blow chunks or bust a hole in her singlet." #PrayHard #PrayNow#BelieveMeTheLordCares

That one time when you check into your first power lifting meet and you seem to have forgotten a few things: 1. Your muscle shirt. 2. Your muscles. 3. Your bag full of supplements (I totally took a multivitamin and ate scrambled eggs this morning though, so it's basically the same thing). 4. The fact that to weigh in, you have to be down to your bra and panties. 5. The fact that a very large, muscle bound man will inspect your undies to make sure they're "regulation". 6. Any knowledge of what you're supposed to do or where you're supposed to go. #IfYeArePreparedYeShallNotFear#AndImScaredToDeathForGoodReason #DoILookLikeAPowerlifterToYou#SweatyHandsAndSweatyArmpits#AndCanYouBelieveIDontHaveAnySupplements

The Kid: I hope you win your competition tomorrow.
Me: Well, it's my first time, but I'm going to do my best.
The Kid: I've seen a commercial where a guy lifts weights on a rolling chair. So, you can pretty much do anything, mama.
#IReallyDoNeedARollingChair #BecauseINeedMoreOfAChallenge

Tomorrow is my very first powerlifting meet. After 2 months of training, I'm pretty sure I'm set to dominate my fellow middle aged (good grief, but that's depressing) lady dead lift competitors. There's just one problem: I haven't chosen how I'm going to approach the platform. I was thinking about a sumo entry. Then I saw this picture and I was all like, YES! That's it! #ToDoList#PurchaseGladiatorMask #YouHaveToWinWhenYouDoStuffLikeThis#OtherwiseYouJustLookLikeATool

I remember being really little and watching my mom dye her hair and thinking, "Why does she care? She's old, she should just let it be white." Do you know how old my mother was? Forty. FORTY. And now, the karma comes. #AhToBeSixAgain #ImGettingMyHairsDidToday

When your three-year-old prays for his sister in Japanese saying, "Sister, I love you." #MeltsMyHeart #NowIfTheydBeThatNiceToEachOtherAllTheTime

You know, I wouldn't go so far as to describe myself as a brilliant conversationalist, but I feel like I can pretty much hold my own with a multitude of people on a myriad of subjects. That's why it's so totally and completely shocking to me when I meet someone with whom the conversation is nothing but awkward.  #HelloIsAnyoneHome#YouSeriouslyDontHaveAnythingToSay #AreYouInterestedInAnything#ImInterestedInEverything#ExceptDontAskMeWhatAPoetWasThinkingWhenTheyWroteTheirPoem#BecauseIHaveNoIdea

I have found that if I want to hide from my children, the best place to do so is in their bedrooms. #BecauseTheyreAlwaysInMyRoom#TheyllNeverFindMeHereAmidTheMess

The Kid, "Mama, could you please arrange to have another baby in your belly? Except this time, make there be like, one million babies so we're sure to get at least one in the end. And I'd like that baby to be a girl." #YouBetcha#BecauseIHaveControlOverThingsLikeThat#IThinkShesConfusingTheEggWithTheSperm

That one time when you have chicken on the charcoal grill and the grill leg just suddenly falls out from underneath it, pitching your entire meal in the dirt and scattering burning hot coals all over your porch. And then, in an effort to stop the porch from catching fire, you yell to your six-year-old to get you something to set the thing upright again, but instead of going to get it, she stands there and asks at least four questions as you're screaming, "Just get me a hot pad! A hot pad!", and madly kicking coals off the wood. #ImStillMad #IMarinatedThatChickenForHOURS#AndThenTheKidActsLikeShesGoingToStarveToDeath #CriedAndEverything#YouReallyShouldJustLeaveMeAloneForAMinuteKid #Reaaaaallllly

One of our cats purrs the entire time he eats. Reminds me of myself. If I could purr, I mean. #ToDoList #LearnToPurr

That one time at the gym when you're all like, "I think I'll just pick up that 95 pound dumbbell off the bottom row because surely I'm strong enough to do that." And then, that dumbbell flips down, flinging you forward, smacking your head on the top row of weights (you really should have set your feet better) and smashing your finger in between the weights on the bottom row. #ImNeverAsStrongAsIThinkIAm#ImGoingToHireSomeoneToFollowMeAroundToRemindMe#OverConfidenceIsNotAlwaysAGoodThing #MyFingerIsBlack#ItReallyIsAGoodThingIDontDrink#CanYouImagineAllTheStupidStuffIdThinkICouldDo

For my birthday, Husband purchased The Bread Bible so I could become a bread baking crackerjack. Except I'm apparently not a crackerjack. White bread, thou art the bane of my existence. #Seriously#ThirteenCupsOfFlourShouldBePlenty#FiveHoursOfWorkToMakeCrappyBread #IWantLightAndFluffy#IThinkYouCouldBrickAHouseWithThisStuff

When the hospital billing office calls and says they'll knock 50% off of your bill because you've been so consistent with your payments. #HappyValentinesDayIndeed #YoureSpeakingMyLanguage#WhoElseHasADealForMe #ImGoingToCallAround

When you, looking like death warmed over, slam feminine hygiene products on the counter at the local store, the greeting from the male adolescent checker dies on his lips and he proceeds to check you out as quickly as possible, carefully avoiding eye contact. #YouAreWiseForOneSoYoung#ThisInstinctWillServeYouWellInLife #DontMessWithThatLady#SheLooksLikeHell

You know what's awesome about being sick and having a three-year-old who, after every time you get comfortable, bolts for the swimming pool carting one of the cats to throw in because, "this cat is all dirty, needs a bath". Nothing is awesome about it. Absolutely nothing. #AhSuchARelaxingDay #ThisIsWhyMomsStaySickForWeeksAndWeeks#ImPrettySureMyHeadIsGoingToExplode#IWasntFastEnoughAndOneCatGotABathAnyway

Due to conditions beyond our control, we had to bring our children to the adult session of our church conference:
The Kid: Why is it so quiet? Is this a funeral?
Me: Nope. It's because there are no kids here.
The Kid: It's because adults are no fun.

Husband to me at 11am (after The Kid woke me up at 4:45 to ask if I was interested in wrapping a birthday present for her friend), "You need to put some pillows under your head and close your eyes. I think that's in the best interest of everyone in this house." #MamaNeedsANap #MamaIsBeingMean

That one time when you're feeling like you're really making progress and getting strong and then you see the results from a high school powerlifting meet where the girls literally half your size (and also less than half your age) are lifting more (A LOT more) than you are. #WhyAmISoOld#TheseGirlsWeigh100Pounds #TheySquatThreeTimesTheirBodyWeight#YouthIsSoArrogant #WithoutEvenTryingToBe #MeAndMyOldLadyKnees

When you're feeling just crappy enough to not want to do anything and you have a snotty three-year-old using you as a pillow, you really ought to be able to order up some rainy weather so sitting inside isn't such a waste. And, as long as I'm wishing for stuff, I'd like the metabolism of a 16-year-old boy, a new car, and the ability to weld correctly. #IMeanAsLongAsWeAreWishing #IMightCouldAlsoUseOneMillionDollars#AndHairThatWouldNeverTurnWhite

The Kid, while working on a school project about what she wants to be when she grows up:
The Kid: I just don't know what to pick! What if I pick the wrong thing?!
Me: Well, dude, it's not like you're locking it in for the rest of your life. You can change your mind, you know.
The Kid: Well, that's a relief. Because I really cannot choose between a cheerleader and a pop star until I'm seven.
#WhenIWasSevenIWantedToBeAPoliceOfficer#ThankGoodnessYouCanChangeYourMind #IWouldBeATerriblePoliceOfficer#NowIWantToBeATravelWriter

If you're ever trying really hard to eat better and you think, "yeah, but one little soda won't hurt", might I suggest putting on a wrestling singlet and standing in front of a mirror? That'll cure you right there. #ImSorryICantWearThisInPublic #AintNobodyWantToSeeThat#PutTheSodaDownAndBackAwaySlowly

The good news: the daffodils are out. The bad news: so are the snakes. #IDontLikeASnake #KillThemAll #DeadOnTheRoad#ButTheFlowersArePretty

Is it too much to ask for a body that looks like Lady Gaga's without having to work for it? Also, I'd like my name to go into a drawing for her sparkly boots. #AndMaybeAlsoForHerBedazzledShoulderPads #IWillWearThemToTheGym

When you leave Husband home from church to take care of a sick kid and come home to a freshly made bed and five loads of folded laundry. #HeDoesTheWork #ChampionHusband #IHATEFoldingLaundry

The Kid: I don't understand why Groundhog's Day is in February. Of course there's going to be six more weeks of winter. It's February for heaven sake.
Me: I agree with you, baby.
The Kid: It's probably so no one has to use their little pea brains.
#ThisKidDoesntEvenKnowWhatWinterIs #ShesFromTexasForHeavenSake#ItDidSnowOnceThreeYearsAgo #TheEntireCityClosedForTwoDays#DontWorryWeSurvived #ButOnlyJust

The Kid: So. Mama. You want to hit the local cemetery sometime?
Me: Why do you want to go to the cemetery?
The Kid: Well. I'd really like to read some names.
#ImRentingHerOut #ToThoseLoonsWhoLookForTheirAncestorsInCemetaries#AndByLoonsIMeanMormons #WaitImAMormon#IGuessThatMakesMeALoon #AlthoughIveNeverSearchedACemetaryBefore#IHavePlayedFootballInOneThough #SameSame

Last night's movie: Beauty and The Beast. When The Beast died, The Tater turned to me and said, "Oh, man! I really sorry, mama."

Apparently my loud music and dancing were just too much for The Tater to be able to concentrate on the latest episode of Peppa Pig. He brought me my iPod and said, "Mama, put the tiny dance in your ear and go dance over there by yourself." #IDontDanceMama #EarphonesAllAround#ExcuseMeForHavingAGoodTime

When your kid who HATES anything healthy begs and begs for drinks of your protein shake that also includes kale and a banana. #InsertEvilLaugh#TricksyMama #ITakeMyVictoriesWhereICanGetThem#MyLifeReallyIsSoExciting #ASupplementToHisCorndogOnlyDiet

My Thursday bike ride to the gym takes me by a big field full of cows and hay. It would remind me of home except: 1. The cows are a different breed. 2. The field is always green. 3. The air outside is so thick you can almost eat it. The good news: the field smells like heaven and I'm pretty sure the cows really like it when I stop to talk to them. #ITalkToCows#ThatProbablyMeansImCrazy #ILoveTheSmellOfHay

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