Saturday, May 21, 2016

The Kid - November and December 2015

Me: Dude, I can see you. You can't sneak up on me.
The Kid: How can you see me? I was so careful!
Me: Because I have eyes on the back of my head.
The Kid: I'm going to need to check because sometimes you lie.
Me: Well, they're invisible.

Looking at homework:
Me: Dude, it looks like we need to work on lowercase g.
The Kid: No, I just decided I'm not going to write g's anymore.
Me: You can't just decide to not write one letter.
The Kid: Why not? There's no g in my name, my city, or my state, so I don't need to write it ever.
Good point.

The Kid: Someone ate my Halloween candy and I'm going to find the culprit.
Me: What are you going to do when you find them?
The Kid: Grab them by the balls! 
The Kid: One of daddy's shows.
Me: What do you think it means?!
The Kid: You know, take their balls away.

The Kid always tries to sneak things out of the kitchen by hiding them behind her back. Today it was a knife. Husband called her out on it and she said, "I don't have anything behind my back. I just like to hold my hands behind my back because it makes me look more girly."

Me: Hey, you want to help us cook?
The Kid: Of course! Anything for my mom and dad!
Me: You want to help me shred this chicken?
The Kid: Um, no.
Me: You want to help daddy with the vegetables?
The Kid: Um, no. I think I'll just be the taste tester.

Mama, did you know that if a mama bird doesn't sit on an egg, the baby inside will perish and it'll turn into that nasty yellow and clear stuff?

"Mama, today at school I learned a rhyme about Cinderella. I'm afraid her boyfriend is ugly because she went to kiss a fellow and instead kissed a snake. Does her boyfriend look like a snake, too? Because how can she mistake a snake for a boy?"

Me: Dude, you're being a little bossy.
The Kid: I'm sorry, mama. I'm just pretending to be you.

The Texas Children's Hospital had a radio-a-thon this last week and The Kid has become quite concerned about all of the "cancer kids", so she came home and started making a pile of toys to donate:
Me: Well, that's really thoughtful, dude, but almost all of these toys are Tate's.
The Kid: Mama, boys who have cancer need toys, too.

The Kid: Mama, why does Santa use the same wrapping paper we do?
Me: Because he shops at Target, too.
The Kid: I bet it's because they have popcorn there. Santa's a smart man.

The Kid: I'm feeling apprehensive about going on a cruise.
Me: Apprehensive, huh?
The Kid: Yes, mama. It means, "to be afraid".

The Kid tried using her brand new wand to get The Tater to stop crying and when it didn't work, "The damn thing doesn't work! I got ripped off!"

The Kid: Can we have fireworks for New Year's? 
Me: No, you can't have fireworks in city limits.
The Kid: Well, when I'm mayor, all that nonsense is going to stop.

"You know how you named me? Well, I'd like you to call me Carolyn Moonpie from now on. And I'd like to be to be referred to as Queen of Lexington Street on the side."

Asked The Kid to keep her eye on the popcorn popper as it has a tendency to travel as it pops, scattering the popcorn all over the kitchen and as it starts to pop, she covers her ears and starts screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH, MY WORD, I CAN'T STAND IT, IT'S TOO EXTREME!"

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