Saturday, May 21, 2016

The Kid - January and February 2016

De-junking the house this fine January 1st and after several trips running things up and down the stairs for me, The Kid didn't come back. I found her hiding in her closet. 
Me: Dude, you didn't come back and there's more work to do.
The Kid: How can there possibly be more work to do?!

The Kid: Mama, I asked Tater if he wanted to date a lemon!
Me: Do you even know what a date is?
The Kid: Of course I do. It's where you leave your kids home and go out and squeeze each other a lot. I thought Tater would like to squeeze a lemon.

The Kid: Fish don't eat people.
Me: Sharks do sometimes.
The Kid: Yeah, but I bet they only want to eat fat people so they can have a lot of food at one time. No shark would ever want to eat me. I'm waaaaaaay too small.

I've been trying to convince The Kid, a breakfast avoider, that she must eat breakfast if she is to concentrate at school. Yesterday she got into the car at pickup and admitted that she'd gotten her number on the board AGAIN (for talking too much.....imagine!), And said, "Mama, I tried really hard to be good, but I guess I just forgot to concentrate. I must have eaten the wrong breakfast."

The Kid is preparing to depart on a Disney cruise with her aunt and uncle:
The Kid: I can't wait to see all of the characters! Minnie, Mickey, Goofy, and probably Jesus!
Me: I don't think Jesus is going to be there.
The Kid: isn't Jesus Disney?
Me: No, dude, he's heaven.

The Kid: Mama, did you know Shirley Temple was a famous artist?
Me: No, she was an actress. Grandma Judy used to love her when she was little.
The Kid: Shirley Temple must be older than the hills.

The Kid: I can't be friends with Jordan at school anymore because she said boys stink and it hurt my feelings because I really like daddy.

The Kid took a digger on her scooter just now, " Man, I can see why they say you shouldn't do these tricks at home. That was seriously dangerous. Good thing my head is constructed of heavy bones."

To a PetSmart worker, "I adopted a fish once. It didn't go over so well."

The Kid has had a loose tooth for over a month:
Me: Hey, how's that tooth? Should we pull it out?
The Kid: No, I'm going to wait for Valentine's Day so the Tooth Fairy and the Valentine's Fairy can meet.

The Kid: I'm creating an execution potion.
Me: And you think tap water's going to do it?
The Kid: Well, mama, we have Beaumont water.

Husband and The Kid were having a discussion about the Valentine's Fairy:
Husband: But that's not fair.
The Kid: You know what mama says about fair, "Life is NEVER going to be fair."
Husband: Especially when dealing with mom?
The Kid: Uh-huh.

The Kid: Mama, shouldn't you put your lipstick on?
Me: I already did. Is it not pretty enough?
The Kid: Mama, we should always try to look our best.

Handed The Kid a paper towel to clean up a mess:
The Kid: Mama, is this Bounty?
Me: Yes, it is.
The Kid: Oh, good, because it has 100% absorbency.

The Kid talking to herself while doing homework, " Well that's not right! Shame on me!"

"Mama, last week, I was having a hard time understanding the difference between sacrifice and funeral, but don't worry, Scooby Doo cleared it right up for me. A sacrifice is when you cause someone to die and a funeral is when you go to see their soul go to heaven."

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