Saturday, May 21, 2016

December on Facebook

Got talked into a mall trip yesterday so The Kid could spend a gift card. While we were there:
Me: Hey, while we're here, you want to cut your hair?
The Kid: Do I have to use my gift card to pay for it?
Me: No, I'll pay.
The Kid: In that case, let's cut it ALL off!

It has only recently come to my attention that The Tater calls The Kid "Danna". I don't understand much else of what he says, but it's safe to say he gives Danna the what-for several times every day.

The Kid received a couple of new board games for Christmas and I hate to say it, but she's a chip off the old block: she's a big, fat cheater. I guess that good news is that for one so young, she's quite accomplished at it and thus subscribes to her father's favorite philosophy, "If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough."

9am, almost exactly one hour after all of the Christmas presents were opened, this from The Kid, "Man, I can't wait to see what we get for Christmas next year! I'm starting out on the super duper nice list already!"

There is never a Christmas Eve I'm not homesick for the family Christmas Eve party at Grandma Beryl's. As far back as I can remember, she ALWAYS had shrimp cocktail (she used mini shrimps...and there was always a lot of it, so I might have been the only one eating it). One time I asked her why she always had it and she said, "Well, because I like to feel fancy at least once a year." So, here's to you, grandma! I'm being fancy for you! PS I also miss snow and cold. Christmas at 80 degrees is stupid

After spending the evening at the Brazilian's house:
The Kid: Mama, when you came from Japan, did you learn English on YouTube?
Me: No, dude, I'm American. I grew up in America. That's how I learned English. I only lived in Japan for a while.
The Kid: Oh. Because I was thinking you knew at least as many English words as daddy.

Headed to a friend's house who has recently moved from Brazil, so The Kid and I were trying to brush up on our Portuguese:
The Kid: I think I'll just teach them English instead.
Me: That's not kind. It's really hard to live in a country where you don't speak the language, baby.
The Kid: Was it hard for you when you moved to America from Japan?

The Kid: Dolly sure has a lot of kids.
Me: Yes, she's very lucky and blessed.
The Kid: No she's not. She probably has to do laundry all day and night.

Both kids are on a mother-induced scotch tape using moratorium (due to the fact that they used THREE FULL ROLLS in a single day). The elf may or may not have used a little last night to assist in some acrobatics, and The Kid is beyond displeased and is insisting on swift and harsh punishment.

If The Kid's head doesn't explode with Christmas excitement today, I'd say we stand a 72% chance of safely making it to Christmas morning without mishap.

Because I enjoy a little self-torture as much as the next girl, I took both kids to the mall this morning. I lost The Tater twice in quick succession and was about to make it a third when I heard him screaming bloody murder and rounded the corner to find that The Kid had tackled him and was positioned right on top of him whispering in his ear, "If you don't stop running away, I'm going to have to clothesline your face."

Thanks to mom not feeling well, the elf hasn't moved in two days. This morning, I find The Kid yelling at him, "Elf! The whole idea of hide and seek is for you to HIDE so I can SEEK. It's ridiculous when I always know where to find you."

The Kid: This is a picture of all the things I admire. Rainbows, grapes, flowers, necklaces, balls...oh, and you on Tuesdays.

The Kid: Don't tell daddy our secret. 
Me: I have to. He offered me candy.
The Kid: I warn you, daddy never pays up.

To celebrate BYU getting on the board, I made Grandma Beryl's caramel corn at the half. I believe it's what she'd want me to do. ‪#‎ineedbiggerpans‬‪#‎sendangelstothegamegrandma‬

Our house at 6:15am: The Kid has unearthed yet another stash of candy that I didn't know existed, extracted all of the best pieces, and left The Tater with the dregs, after which he runs after her screaming at the top of his voice, "I NEED CANDY! I NEED CANDY!" Good morning.

The Kid: Daddy asked me what I got him for Christmas and I told him it's none of his beeswax, but then he offered me candy, so I told him. I'd do anything for candy.

The Tater has touched the elf. THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END up in this house.

Dear Grandma,
Thank you for the Christmas cards to the kids. And thank you soooooo much for including an entire bottle of glitter inside each card that exploded all over the living room when they opened said cards. Additionally, thank you for including New Year's party noise makers. Because them blowing those while I'm cleaning up sticks-to-every-damn-thing glitter is extra, super festive.

That one time when FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE you start working on Christmas presents THREE MONTHS EARLY and then the night before it's time to give them out, you're madly trying to print labels for said gifts only to find that you've apparently purchased the ONLY LABEL IN THE WORLD that has no template available anywhere. And your computer guru can't figure it out either. ‪#‎merryfreakingchristmas‬ ‪#‎iplannedandistillfailed‬

Well, The Tater is officially trained. Every time I get dressed now and ask him how I look he says, "Oh, pretty mama! PRETTY!" And whenever he wants something he says, "Pretty mama, please?"

After the elf's harrowing freezing experience at the hands of Elsa, today he's relaxing in a hot tub with what The Kid has dubbed "his cute little girlfriend". And nearby? Elsa. Still handcuffed. Because "she needs to remember that she was wrong and she needs to see the elf can still be happy even though she was mean to him."

When you've been in the children's program at church for so long that you go to the ladies meeting and know literally less than half the people in the room.

That one time when the maintenance man doesn't finish working on your plumbing before the weekend and you get the privilege of keeping your two-year-old out of the crawl space beneath the bath tub compliments of the 2-foot hole he left in the wall. ‪#‎winning‬ ‪#‎lookforusonthenews‬

Attended Husband's work Christmas party at one of the nicest restaurants in town last night. Here were my thoughts: 1. Country (meaning me) had definitely come to town. 2. There were dandelion leaves in my salad. I mean, I knew that was a thing, but I'm sorry, dandelions are weeds. 3. A man I'd never met opted to sit next to me based on the fact that I teased him about wearing manly pink nail polish on his toes (after he revealed he slept with his socks on...I don't even know, so don't ask). At the end of the evening, we performed an at-table duet of Feliz Navidad. 4. There was no chocolate option on the dessert menu. If it's not chocolate, it's not dessert. 5. Cocktail hour might be fun if your drink didn't freeze your hand off while mingling. 6. I infinitely prefer those who get funny as they drink to those who sidle up to you and whisper loudly into your face, "I started a little early and I might be tipsy!", like they've just imparted the world's greatest secret. Bless it, lady, but everyone knows already.

You know, they really should make an adjustable toilet for the day after leg day. That's going to be my million dollar idea.

You know, it really is such a waste that neither Husband nor I married someone who is perpetually cold. Here next to him, I can literally feel the heat rolling off of his body. And all I can think is that maybe I should go turn down the air conditioning just so I can stand to stay by him.

After over five months of heavy weight training, I finally put on my big girl panties and broke the 300 (315 to be exact) pound squat barrier. I had to put on the Rocky IV soundtrack to get it done, but whatever. Do something that scares you today and tell me what it was!

I have just learned they will be remaking Dirty Dancing with Abigail Breslin as Baby. I'm sorry, but did no one see her dance moves in Little Miss Sunshine? Although, to be fair, I am a far more amazing dancer now than I was ten years ago (I mean REALLY), so maybe she will benefit from the same phenomenon. ‪#‎dancingfool‬  ‪#‎dontdancebythemirrors‬ ‪#‎themirrorslie‬

Nothing like going out to get the mail and being privy to a domestic disturbance across the way. Unfortunately, they were using so much slang and so many swear words, I'm not even sure what anyone was mad about. And for a cheeky eavesdropper like me, that's pure torture. The good news: no one had a gun. Or a knife.

Every year, as the leaves fall off the tree in our apartment's courtyard, I swear I'll buy a rake to rake them up with. And every year, I talk myself out of it because who buys a rake they're only going to use once a year? And every year, I'm out in the courtyard sweeping up leaves with a broom, looking like a fool.

Life really is better before the kids find out money makes the merry-go-round at the mall move. Life is also better when your car doesn't break down (yes, again) and you're not stuck at the mall (Sears) in the first place.

Life really is improved upon by owning a sports bra that fits.

A good marriage = being with a person who recognizes and appreciates all of the random movie quotes you inject into daily conversation.

Lessons in The Kid speak:
What she says: Tater, do you want to go upstairs and play?
What she means: Tater, do you want to come upstairs so I can tell you not to touch any of my stuff, tell you no seventy-six times, and make you scream bloody murder for thirty minutes?

When you find out someone who is really, really ridiculously good looking is also one of the nicest people on the planet. I mean, you can't have nice AND good looking, you must choose one. Obviously I've chosen good looking.

Since the putting up of the Christmas tree, there have been approximately nine million crying fits as The Tater has been divested of pilfered ornaments, which he continues to call, "my pretties".

When you wake up at 4am and can't go back to sleep because Shania Twain' s "I'm Gonna Get Ya Good" is on replay in your head. Even a dream about an axe murderer would be better.

Dear People,
If you've never had a massage before telling a massage therapist they can "go as hard as they can" is a very, VERY bad idea. Because we will. And you'll be sad.
Your Friend, 

Stopped at Target on the way home from picking The Kid up at school yesterday. She got out of the car and proceeded to drop her drink, spilling all of it. She starts crying saying over and over, "I just worked so hard to get that drink!" She cries so hard, she starts to cough. She coughs so hard, she pukes. She's so distraught over the puke, she walks right through it and tracks it all over the carpet. And I'm just standing there wishing there was a rewind button. Good grief.

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