Sunday, May 22, 2016

January on Facebook

Today: just the right temperature to leave the door open while sitting on the couch in sweats and a fleece blanket. One room de-junked and cleaned. Burgers and zummos on the grill. A full bag of Sonic ice. College football bowl games on the TV. Husband off of work. Left over caramel corn from the New Year's Eve party last night. I submit that this is the finest New Year's Day in history. ‪#‎amilliondollarsmightmakeitbetter‬ ‪#‎butonlybarely‬

As a mother, my least favorite phrase (which is ALWAYS screeched in firey indignation) is, "Hey! I had that first!" Makes me want to claw my eardrums out with a fork.

A man at the gym taps me on the shoulder and says, "Good for you for being here. I know it's hard for girls your size to make a resolution to lose weight, but you're doing great!" Um...a girl my size? How about I punch you in the throat and then we'll see how you feel about a girl my size.

That one time when your sister-in-law sends your son a card that plays Darth Vader's theme song and when you're nearly asleep, it falls off of your nightstand, begins to play, and makes you think you're under attack from the man who robbed the bank down the street. Not the most fun I've ever had.

A direct quote from CBS Evening News, "Exercise works best when you actually do it." Hard hitting journalism, that.

Nine years ago today, Husband nearly froze his little Texas booty off taking wedding pictures with yours truly. Here are nine things I appreciate about him on our anniversary: 1. He married me even though my father warned him I'm "excitable". 2. He still has the nicest hands (and triceps and legs) I've ever seen. 3. No matter the situation, he remains calm (see #1). 4. He makes the best food I've ever eaten in my entire life. 5. He married me because he "likes a lady he can grab a holt of". 6. When I've overdone it at the gym, he massages my poor, old legs. 7. He cleans up under the sink when the garbage disposal throws up. 8. He is positive. Always. 9. He always lets me put my hot feet on his cold legs.

There should be a rule: No kid should be allowed to cry or whine until everyone in the house is fully dressed.

The award for Awesomest Man at the Gym Today goes to the dude who was shouting positive self-affirmations in the mirror after completing five pull ups, "Awesome! That was AWESOME, DUDE! YOU DID IT!" I believe I will incorporate that tomorrow.

This morning The Tater brought me a bowl and said, "I need meat! I need candy!" If there was any doubt he is my child, this confirms it.

That one time when you're used to driving a barely functioning 1996 Geo Prism and you rent a 2015 Chrysler 300 for the day. ‪#‎imnotreturningit‬‪#‎sorryenterpriseitsminenow‬ ‪#‎smooth ride‬

That one time when you triple check to make sure you can walk your 5-year-old to her airplane and then when you get to the airport, it takes five United agents to determine that in fact, you cannot even approach security with her. Um....say what? ‪#‎unitedairlinesFAIL‬ ‪#‎wasalreadyanxious‬ ‪#‎nowimgoingtohurl‬

You know you're outstanding at your job when a patient proposes marriage before the treatment is even over. ‪#‎consummatewinner‬‪#‎massagetherapywinshearts‬ ‪#‎butsorry‬ ‪#‎imtaken‬ ‪#‎pleasedontcry‬

We're 24-hours without the presence of The Kid. Missing her big, but I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. PS I'm not going to lie, it was soooooooo nice to sleep through an ENTIRE NIGHT without her trying to sneak into our bed.

While sister is away, this is how this one rolls - reclining while shoveling Cadbury mini eggs in his mouth as fast as he can. He knows how to party.

Started a new year at church today and therefore, a brand new batch of 11-year-olds. As I was getting ready to start, some of them were watching a video on a tablet so I said, "Hey, turn that crap off."
One of the kids looked straight at me and with great dignity said, "Well, that's salty language."
Best. Church. Moment. Ever.

72-hours The Kid-less and finally got to talk to her - let me tell you, she had absolutely no use for sitting still long enough to say more than a few words. The good news: she's having the time of her life. The bad news: she may never want to come back home. Spoke to my brother for a bit and he said he's been trying to wear her out, but she's been going happily from 7am-11pm. When he suggested a nap she said, "I am not a baby. I don't take naps."

On days like today, where you feel like you did 900 massages, you count your blessings that you work with the best chiropractors in the entire world who are always willing to stay a little late to adjust everything from your hips to your wrists. Best. Job. Ever.

The Kid got off the boat in Cozumel where she was taken for a burrito at Pancho's Backyard. When she got there she said, "How can they not have chicken and fries?!" (My brother says since Saturday, he's pretty sure she's consumed five whole chickens worth of chicken and fries...all her wildest dreams are coming true).

Today's Challenge De Jour: calf extension max (which, let's be honest, was not nearly as cool in execution as it was when the idea was conceived). Machine max = 350. Erin max = 330. I might have felt awesome about it until I realized that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE cares about calf extensions. Congratulating yourself about it is akin to congratulating yourself for remembering to breathe. ‪#‎challengefail‬ ‪#‎breathingishard‬

The Kid will be back in three days. My sister-in-law said today that she's pretty sure the boat is going to have to stop to restock chickens despite the fact that The Kid had steak and a cinnamon roll for breakfast.

We pick this one up at the airport tomorrow - where she will be forced to come home and be disappointed in her daily life for at least the next ten years. It's so hard when you reach your peak at the age of five.

Me: Today we're going to pick up sister at the airport!
The Tater: Nooooooooo! Don't want it!

Putting The Kid to bed just now:
Me: Did you sugar Uncle Jared and Aunt Margaret good night while you were gone?
The Kid: No, that would be gross.
Me: Why? 
The Kid: Well, they have different spit.

Me: So, did you miss us while you were gone?
The Kid: I saw Captain Hook on the boat.
Me: So, you missed us?
The Kid: I don't think you understand how entertaining Captain Hook is, mama.

The first thing on The Kid's agenda upon returning home last night was to grab her tablet and head for her room explaining, "I need some privacy time. They never left me alone on that boat."

Just downloaded Whitney Houston's 1985 How Will I Know. Because it came on the overhead at work the other day and I totally lip-sync killed it. Like a boss. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), the patient I was working on was face down and missed the entire performance. The good news is that my next performance will probably take place on the treadmill at the gym - in front of God and everyone.

Life as we know it is over. The Tater has learned to escape from his crib (and it only took him five months longer than his sister to figure it).

The Kid, bless her heart, has been having a rough time since her return. Last night, while watching The Minion Movie, husband announced his intent to become evil, which set The Kid off on a crying jag accompanied by her shouting, "No! YOU CANT BE EVIL BECAUSE THEN I'LL HAVE TO BE EVIL, TOO!"

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to pick The Kid up from school a little early yesterday. When we got home she said, "I'm so glad you came to get me early. I don't really want to go to school anymore. When you get home, the day is almost over and then you can't do anything fun!"

The Kid: Mama, what's chaos?
Me: What do you think chaos is?
The Kid: Maybe like when Tater and I cry at the same time.

Almost everyday I wish I didn't live in the city, but especially days like today: It's again time for our neighbor's quarterly back-patio-party. This is where she and her friends gather, speak boorishly, and smoke pot. It. Is. Awesome.

My million dollar idea came to me last night in a dream: a dog training arena that also doubles as a bow staff dojo. Now if that's not inspired, I don't know what is. Ruth D. Ellis and Joanie Tidwell, you'll be happy to know you were featured as bow staff instructors

It is just not my day: my car is broken (yes,again). Didn't make it to the gym on time. IPod was dead. Played solitaire on the gym treadmill (I KNOW, who even knew they had solitaire on a treadmill?!) Solitaire and attempting to walk quickly made me dizzy and nauseated (hey, it's hard,ok). Walked home from the gym to find that the plaster man is here fixing the ceiling and he has the kitchen blocked off, so no post-workout snack for me. Also, no shower since the ripped out drywall is right next to the bathroom. ‪#‎winning‬‪#‎youcantcompliainonmonday‬ ‪#‎andyeticomplain‬ ‪#‎ismellbad‬

It only took The Tater four hours to warm up to the plaster man. He's been following him around for the last fifteen minutes saying, "Hello! How doing?!" followed by, "That's SO funny!" over and over and over. And he now has white paint all the way up his legs.

That one time when you get your speedometer fixed after three years of it being broken and you realize how many people you've probably caused road rage since, based on the sound of your car, you've been going roughly 10 miles below the speed limit the entire time.

The Kid, "Mama, thank you for buying these cookies. They look like something The Joker would use to trick someone into loving him."

Pet peeve #92: Weak, dead fish handshakes. If you're not going to shake my hand properly, keep your hands to yourself.

Today for the first time in three months, I hit the gym for a run. I've been suffering from a very serious mental condition medically diagnosed as "Running is Stupid" since October.

When you meet a crusty old geezer and you're sure you can charm your way into his good graces (after all, don't almost all old men love you?) and instead, he gives you the look of death and says, "Is that all?" Um. Yes. Yes, it is.

The Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: Spaghetti.
The Kid: But I don't want spaghetti because then I'll have to eat naked.

After having the first kid care less about what she wears (or whether she is clothed at all), I am at a loss with the second one being very particular about his fashion choices - there are tears and tantrums. And then there is whatever The Tater's doing, too.

The light saber The Kid brought home from her cruise has been a constant source of contention. Currently, she's racing around the house with it as The Tater follows as close as he is able screaming, "I NEED THE FORCE! I NEED THE FORCE!" And The Kid screams back, "You can't handle the force properly yet!"

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