Thursday, November 26, 2015

The Kid - June, July, August 2015

"Now, mama, I understand you're sick and don't worry, I am here to take care of you. But, I'm going to have to ask you not to touch me because if you do, I'll get sick and then have to hurt you with my ninja moves."

The Tater has been having an emotional couple of days:
Me: Tater, why are you being such a pill?
The Kid: Maybe we should sell him. I know people who could love him better.

Me: Dude, you didn't even want that toy until your brother had it.
The Kid: Well, I can't make a decision until I know exactly what's available.

Hit the kid's Zumba class again today and these gems:
Doing squats, "Mama, with that move, everyone can see my undies. It's not very ladylike."
"I believe I've enjoyed about all I can enjoy."

Me: Hey, go ask daddy to run you a bath.
The Kid: Why? So you two can goof off together?
Me: Goof off?
The Kid: Yeah, like at Chuck E. Cheese.

The Kid: Here's two pieces of money for giving me chores.
Husband: I don't think you understand how chores work.
The Kid: Well, if you get money for getting chores, you should get money for giving them too.

Painted The Kid's fingernails:
Me: Well, what do you think?
The Kid: Wow, mama, I look so fly!
Me: Where did you learn that?!
The Kid: It doesn't matter. It means awesome and that's exactly how I look.

Me: What should we get daddy for Father's Day?
The Kid: A cat.
Me: I think he'd be pretty angry if we showed up with a cat.
The Kid: Well then, how about a disco ball?

Took The Kid on a walk with me this morning in the stroller wherein she was checking out my shadow and this:
The Kid: Mama, I think your bum cheekies are perfecto.
Me: Thanks, dude.
The Kid: They look just like the back end of Calvin.
PS Calvin is a cat. The fattest cat I've ever seen.

The Kid: Does Uncle Jared know about being awesome?
Me: I'm pretty sure he does.
The Kid: That's what I thought.

The Kid: What are we doing today?
Me: Well, I have a doctor's appointment.
The Kid: I knew we were having another baby!
Me: It's not that kind of doctor.
The Kid: Then why is your belly so big?

Allowed The Kid and The Tater to take the iPad and tablet to the auto repair shop to use while we were waiting. On the way there, The Kid starts whining that the iPad (that she was supposed to have charged) is dead. When we got there The Tater was holding the dead iPad and The Kid was playing on the fully charged tablet:
Me: What happened?
The Kid: We made a trade.
Me: That's not a very good trade.
The Kid: Huh. Well, it was a good trade for me!

The Kid was repeatedly blowing up a balloon and releasing the air back into her mouth:
Me: Dude, what are you doing? That's gross.
The Kid: I'm just getting all my breath and spit back. The balloon can't have all of my good stuff.

The Kid has suddenly become very interested in Kind Tut and Ancient Egypt. We spent an hour researching pyramids and mummification procedures:
Me: And this is the picture of what he looked like when they took off the wrappings.
The Kid: Well, they did a terrible job of mummying him because he looks like crap.

Me: Dude, why are you nekked?
The Kid: Well, my bum told me it wanted to feel the sheets on my bed, too.

Me: Hey, you'd better stop. You're going to hurt yourself.
The Kid: Mama, relax. I'm five now. I can do almost anything.

Me: Are you still wearing the same undies as yesterday?
The Kid: Yes. But don't worry, I turned them inside out to the clean side. It's called recycling.
Me: It's called nasty.
The Kid: Is that kind of like recycling?

The Kid: Mama, I'm sure sorry God sent your daddy to a dead zone.
Me: No, dude, God took him to heaven. A dead zone is where your phone doesn't work.
The Kid: Well, that explains why you can't talk to your daddy!

Watching an episode of Friends:
The Kid: Mama, what's a hooker?
Me: It's a woman who hangs out with a man for money.
The Kid: Are you a hooker? Daddy gives you money and you hang out together.

Me: Tater, did you get into your seat all by yourself?!
The Kid: Yeah, I'm teaching him to be awesome. It really is the least I can do.

Asked The Kid if she wanted to jump in a puddle today at the gym, "Mama, I don't have an umbrella with me or my rain boots on, I am completely unprepared to jump in a puddle, you know."

The Kid: I'd like to be president when I grow up. And when I get to be president, I'm sending you to bed before I have to go to bed.
Me: I'd vote for you based only on that. Maybe I'd vote twice.
The Kid: Just like you voted for George Washington?

The Kid: I know why Leonardo daVinci is famous.
Me: Why?
The Kid: Because he painted his mama, Lisa. 
Me: No, dude, he painted the Mona Lisa. 
The Kid: Is "Mona" Italian for mama?

For the last two months, The Kid has been obsessed with slugs. Every time she finds one, she picks it up and lets it crawl up her arms. 
The Kid: Look at how happy this slug is! He likes me! He's all stretched out! 
Me: Naw, dude, you manhandled him! He's dead!
The Kid: Mama, I seriously doubt that.

Me: Hey, did you know you're going to have a new cousin next week? They're going to induce your aunt next Tuesday.
The Kid: Yeah! Just like they reduced you when you had a baby!

Me: Dude, it's time to get ready for bed.
The Kid: But mama, I just started watching my shows!
Me: Well, you've got school tomorrow.
The Kid: Why is school so long? It's really cutting into my show time.

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