Monday, December 01, 2014

Off Facebook - November 2014

Finally felt well enough to hit the gym this morning, but The Tater and his snotty nose had other plans. So, instead, we're going to head to the post office and expose everyone there to the plague that's descended on our household.

Worst start to the day EVER. Head to the post office where The Kid has an back home to change clothes... on the way back to the store, pulled over for expired license and registration that's not actually expired. But, can I find my current insurance card in my mess of a car? Nope. Can the policeman wait till I pull it up on my phone? Nope. Instead he hands over a ticket explaining that all I have to do to have it dismissed is load up my two children and take them down to the courthouse and show them my current insurance.

1. Not having a current insurance card in your car runs you $246.
2. You can't bring your current insurance card to the county courthouse to have the ticket dismissed, you have to bring it to the municipal courthouse, which is about as hard to find as El Dorado.
3. When you get to the municipal courthouse, there will be fifteen people ahead of you, four of which will be discussing how many warrants are out for each of their arrests and then making fun of the one guy who has less than seven.
4. Your baby will choose this moment to have a massive blow out. Out-freaking-standing.
5. After an entire hour, you get to the window to find that you can't actually take care of the ticket because it takes 24 hours for it to get in the system. Come back tomorrow.

I have lived in this city for eight years and I STILL get lost every time I come downtown. PS I HATE one-way streets.

At a campaign celebration party for a colleague of Husband's. The place is so crowded, every person who walks by with buttons on their back pocket is receiving a thorough goosing at the hands of The Tater. Talk about a party!

A girl from my high school graduating class (of 30 people) was elected mayor yesterday. #1 How on earth did we suddenly get as old as our parents used to be? #2 If I was the mayor, everyone would get free ice cream on Wednesdays and a free trip to the dentist once a year.

I have this dream where I get myself some breakfast and I sit down and eat it. Like I eat the WHOLE THING ALL BY MYSELF. No little hands grabbing, no mouths open like baby birds, no one asking me to get up and get them this-and-that, and me not having to say over and over, "No! This is MY sausage! You have your own! Well, it's too bad that you've already eaten yours. No, you can't even have a little tiny piece."

Call of Duty - Advanced Warfare came out on Tuesday. Husband rushed right down and purchased it. Because apparently automatic gunfire in our living room is necessary to drown out the semi-automatic gun fire at the drug dealer's house 400 yards away.

Upon walking into church today, a lady I've literally never seen before poked me right in the belly and said, "Hey, anyone ever tell you that your hair looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket?"
Uh...who are you again?

Today was the children's program at church. The Kid has been looking forward to it for months. After it was over, she ran up to me and said, "Oh, mama! I LOVED IT! Let's do it again next week! 
Just as a PS, I have been in this ward for eight years. I've seen the children's program from the congregation exactly once. The good news is that five of the seven years I've been on the stage, I was able to sit next to my favorite little boy of all time...not that he's very little anymore.

The Tater is grateful for two things: #1 That The Kid is currently uninterested in almost all food. #2 We don't have a table, so her left-over food is generally left in the supremely desirable and accessible location of the floor.

Last night I dreamt I was summoned to the White House to be informed that I was being nominated for the brand new position of Cheerleader General. I was all excited until they handed me my potential uniform, which was nothing more than a bra and panties. I got up, threw it at President Obama and shouted, "You mistake me, sir! I am an athlete, not some dancing trollop! Shame on you!"

Danced to Fireball by Pitbull yesterday in Zumba. Today, I watched the video for the song and there's AMAZING NEWS. I look EXACTLY like the girls on the video when I dance. I mean, it's uncanny. Of course, I do wear more clothes. A lot more clothes.

The Yoga Instructor Extraordinaire is instructor of the month at the gym!! Up next, Instructor of the Year! Everyone send him love feelings!

Mother of the Year Moment: The Kid was whining repeatedly about something or another and without thinking, I turned around and said, "You know what happens to little girls who whine, don't you? They grow horns out the top of their heads and then everyone knows they're whiners."

I think housework should be a group effort. Like, I'll come and clean your toilets if you fold my laundry. Because there's something everyone can at least tolerate, right? Or, perhaps I'll just get a sister wife.

A 20-something girl at the post office literally just stopped me to ask where on an envelope to place the stamp. Uhh....c'mon, now!

Well, I was headed for the gym, but there's a baby who is uncharacteristically wanting to snuggle and give sugars climbing my legs. Back to bed we go!

When I went to drop The Kid off this morning the director of her program pulled me aside and asked if I had a clergyman I could confide in. When I gave her a blank stare, she explained that The Kid was telling everyone that her daddy left and CPS came to our house. I'm not entirely sure she believed me when I said that Husband is out of town on business and when The Kid says "CPS", she means the UPS truck.

Driving through the hood listening to Snoop Dog. I submit that this day cannot get better.

Blending up the Cajun turkey injecting liquid and rapping along with my old friend, Vanilla Ice while The Kid, for some reason, insists on fondling the turkey because it feels "bouncy". I don't think it can get better than that.

I was going to try to get some Black Friday deals on a few toys for my kids today. But then, they both spent the entire day yesterday playing with the laundry basket and I decided just to get them a each a box and a can of silly string.

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