Sunday, March 01, 2015

Off Facebook - February 2015

Today: faux pearls, jean jacket, and monogrammed canvas bag. Shooooot. I'm officially more Texan than a Texan.

Dear The World,
It is cold and rainy outside and as such, I believe I should be allowed to wear my pajamas, snuggle up under this comforter and watch several episodes of Downton Abbey in a row without interruption or feeling guiltiy. So. If you need me that's where I'll be.
Your Friend,

Dear The Tater, 
The white receptical in the bathroom is known as a garbage - not a 24-hour vending machine for the scrounging of delicious treats.
With Love,
Your Mother

The Tater now refuses to eat anything at Chick Fil A unless it has been dipped in Chick Fil A sauce.

Made soup for lunch and this from The Kid, "That soup looks disgusting but it tastes good. I'd say that's winning."

Teething = karma for who knows what, but I must have done something AWFUL. I'm sooooooo over it.

For the second year in a row, I'm grateful to be the mother of a perpetually positive child. When she saw my mess of an effort on this cookie cake she exclaimed, "Oh, mama! Your cakes are always so amazingly beautiful!" PS She was disappointed in the wording, however, as she wanted it to say, "Thanks for coming to the party and for bringing me all of these lovely gifts."

Oh. My. Word. Group Power today was so hard I could barely hold my arms up long enough to wash my hair afterward. I may have to lay in a prone position for the rest of the day sipping chocolate milk from a straw.

If the soreness in my gluteus is any indication, I may be the next one to ‪#‎breaktheinternet‬. Look out Kim Kardashian. I'm coming' for you.

The Kid picked out her shirt today: 
Me: You're going to wear a Christmas shirt for Valentine's? 
The Kid: Well, mama, it's red and white and it talks about love. Santa needs a sweetheart, too.

Cleaning the house with my best friend, Vanilla Ice. If that doesn't scream Happy Valentine's Day, I don't know what does. Word to your mother.

The "Valentine Fairy" brought The Kid twenty-five packs of Fun Dip, AKA child cocaine. Awesome.

Husband has started watching a TV series about Soviet spies in America in the 1980's. I've discovered why they lost the Cold War: all of them died of STDs since sleeping around was basically the only way they obtained information.

Has anyone else consistently sung the wrong words to a song and then when someone tells you what the words actually are think, "Yeah, my version is better."

The bad news: I've just discovered that I've been doing push ups wrong for over twenty years. Even worse news: Push ups are more difficult when you do them correctly. The good news: I've decided to ignore this discovery and keep doing them however I want.

It's that time of year again: Health Assessment for the health insurance. I detest it. Because they always announce to you that you're overweight in the same manner they'd inform you that you have three days to live. Like it's something you didn't know already. Bad're chubby! News flash: people who are overweight KNOW they're overweight. We see it and are working on it EVERY, SINGLE DAY.

Best part of the day so far? Sitting in the waiting room to have blood drawn with a man who presumably has Tourette Syndrome. His particular tic appears to be yelling, "I don't want to be here, goddammit!"

Tucking in tired kids makes me want to pull my hair out. At least until I'm closing the door and The Kid busts out a "Goodnight, I love you" in Japanese. Heart. Melted.

947th thing I thought I'd never say, "Take those fake teeth out of your undies! For the love!"

Dear My Children,
We've got to help you understand the meaning of "Saturday". We generally have no where we have to be and as such, you may sleep until it's at least light outside.
Your Mother

We have this Chinese print hanging on our wall and this from The Kid, "That's a painting of your home in Japan, right, mama? It was so nice of them to make you a painting so you'll never forget where you're from."

The Tater's fever is finally back down in a manageable range (I don't care who you are, 103.4 is scary), and he has deigned to eat breakfast. But only if it's crackers and brownies. A boy after my own heart.

Finally took The Tater to see the doctor (as suspected, it's a virus), and was thoroughly entertained by the woman trying to convince the nurse that her 14-year-old needs the HIV vaccination and was quite put out when the nurse insisted that there was no such thing, that it's called HPV, "We don't need no damn HPV shot, we needs us the HIV shot!"

I love when the weather is cold enough for me to wear my Wells High School track sweats. They fit a little more snuggly now than they did twenty years ago. When I go on What Not to Wear, I'm hiding these so they don't get thrown away.

Yesterday after The Tater's doctor visit, I made the tactical error of mentioning to The Kid that blisters had been found in The Tater's throat. Since that time, The Kid has insisted on viewing blisters of various origin on my iPad. Now, I can handle A LOT of grossness, but for some reason, skin maladies completely and totally freak me out. I'm all itchy.

Cleaning up explosive diarrhea at 5:30 am while perpetrator of said diarrhea (can you perpetrate diarrhea? I say yes) screams and pulls on your clothes = maybe not the most fun I've ever had. And you're welcome for the visual. If you're lucky, you were eating breakfast when you read this.

The Kid has lost her first tooth. Not the tooth that's been wiggly for two weeks. No, that's too tame for us. The tooth that she nearly ripped out when she decided to bite the handle of the pogo jumper AS she was jumping down on it. After much crying and carrying on, she let Husband pluck it out with tweezers. Praise the Lord.

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