Sunday, March 01, 2015

The Kid - February 2015

The Kid: You know what's ridiculous? 
Me: What?
The Kid: It doesn't snow in Texas. I'll call God and order some. And when I call him, I'm going to ask him why he created mosquitoes, too.

So, mama, I was talking to my underwear and they said they want more, better underwear to come to me.

Talking to her brother, "Tater! You're ruining my cushion bridge! You must depart immediately!"

Me: Do you remember the story of Cain and Able?
The Kid: Oh, yeah, those are Adam's boys.

The Kid walked into the kitchen to find a purple bowl of cooked ground beef on the counter, "I assume this is for me because I love purple and I love meat."

Tried to get a hug and kiss from The Kid just now and this, "Mama, I'm watching my tablet. I'm not available for loving just now."

The Kid: Where was Pocahontas from?
Me: America.
The Kid: Oh, I forgot she was an Indian. 
Me: Yes, an American Indian.
The Kid: Mama, are we American Idiots, too?

The Kid: What did you spend your tooth fairy money on?
Me: I can't remember. That was like thirty years ago.
The Kid: I forgot that you're old. It must be hard to remember stuff when you're so, so, soooooooo old.

The Kid tried Fun Dip for the first time today, "I'm going to go ahead and give this two enthusiastic thumbs up!"

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
The Kid: I have a long time to think about that, mama.

Me: I think you're very clever.
The Kid: Oh, no, mama, I'm not clever. I'm inordinately clever.

The Kid: Uncle Iris is my uncle.
Me: No, he's your step-grandpa.
The Kid: That's impossible. Those step-people are usually wicked. Just look at Cinderella.

Me: We have to go to Target to get birthday gifts for your friends.
The Kid: Well, we usually get prizes for me at Target instead, but if that's what we gotta do, it's what we gotta do.

"Mama, daddy said the Valentine Fairy brought him stuff last night. He's telling lies. You know who makes us tell lies? The devil. Daddy's acting just like the devil!"

I hear The Kid gagging in the bathroom:
Me: Dude, are you ok?
The Kid: Yeah, I'm just trying to throw up so I can have some of Tater's Gatorade.
Me: You don't have to throw up to have Gatorade. 
The Kid: Well, I was unaware of that.

The Kid walks into my room with a wad of toilet paper stuck in her mouth:
Me: What are you doing?
The Kid: Keeping plaque from forming on my teeth.
Me: I don't think that's going to work. The bacteria is already in your mouth.
The Kid: Now seems like a good time to brush my teeth.

The Kid: Daddy, who's your boss?
Husband: His name is Ric. Who's mama's boss?
The Kid: She is her own boss.

"Mama, come tickle me again! It causes a fun sensation where I might pee my pants!"

The Kid: Mama, can you may sing the Door My Boo song?
Me: you mean Dormez-Vous? Frere Jacques?
The Kid: Yeah, whatever. Can you just sing it?

The Kid: Mama, did daddy betray you and kiss other girls?
Me: He kissed other girls before we were married, but I don't think that's a betrayal.
The Kid: I would have kissed him, too. He's freaking handsome.

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