Wednesday, April 01, 2015

From Facebook - March 2015

Pretty Woman is on ABC Family. Because nothing screams "watch this with your children!" like a show about a prostitute.

Do you know how long it takes to get out of shape? One week. That's how long. Been done with my workout for 40 minutes and I still feel like I'm going to hurl.

I think my back is broken. It hurts just enough to remind me that at my advanced age, I probably shouldn't attempt to dance and do dead lifts at the same time regardless of the amount of weight on the bar.

Another year and here we are again! The only day that gives a command! We celebrate The Judy today as we March Fourth.

Reorganizing your pantry when you've pulled a muscle in your back is a bad idea unless you have a four-year-old who thinks you're playing a super fun sorting game with her and she willingly does all the lifting. It also doesn't hurt when every three minutes she says, "Wow, mama, you sure are doing some good, hard work here!"

Husband has changed the language of my Facebook to Russian. I can't figure out how to change it back because even the menus are in Russian. Guess I'll wrap myself up in some animal fur, have some vodka, and start shouting "NYET!" at anyone who passes my house so I feel a little more at home.

Husband is generally an outstanding grocery shopper. But this past trip, he cam home with chunky peanut butter and strawberry jam. What happened? Has our love died?

Slow night for the Domino's delivery dudes. Five of them are standing outside discussing the quality of Bath Salts in the city (apparently sub-par for those who are in the market). Cream of the crop right there.

What does it say about me that the only recipe I have committed to memory is cookie dough?

I have AMAZING NEWS! Peanut Butter Twix has a "new recipe", which is really just the old recipe resurrected! Night. Made.

Poor The Kid came out of school with swollen eyes (apparently due to newly acquired allergies) and by the time we got home, they were almost swollen all the way shut. Having never had allergies, I'm kind of at a loss. However, a shot of Benadryl and a bag of Cheetos seems to have taken care of it. At least for now.

Something I've just realized about myself: I can do hard things but only if they're fun hard things. And that, people, is why I sing and dance at inappropriate moments during weights class. Because if I didn't, I'd just sit on the floor and cry instead. And no one wants to see that.

Overheard after Group Power today (two girls I've never seen before):
Girl 1: Did you see the girl next to me?
Girl 2: The one all in black? Kind of chubby?
Girl 1: Yeah man, she was lifting twice what I was. She was really gettin' it!
That's right! Respect the chub!

Gave both kids a small amount of chips for lunch. The Kid downed hers and is now hopping around The Tater like a vulture, waiting for a crumb, ANY CRUMB!! to fall from hus chubby little hands.

The Kid allowed me to shop at her store this morning. A cake mix, some milk, and two boxes of cookies only cost $74 million. I'm a bargain shopper.

I have just learned from a Jeopardy contestant that competitive karaoke leagues exist! Why have I never known this?! And where do I sign up?

Despite the fact that I am a fully grown woman, I absolutely abhor eating the crusts on my bread. Do you think if I started cutting them off and throwing them away that I could justify it by saying that I'm trying to reduce my caloric intake? I say yes.

On a regular day, having a broken down car would be a major disadvantage. But today, I can stay home watching basketball all day and be like, "Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make it to the store. My car is broken, you know."

Winner of The Best Name in the Tournament So Far: Basil Smotherman of Purdue. Please pronounce Basil like an Irishman.

Was able to squeeze in a very brief nap this afternoon wherein I had a dream that Husband and I were trying to make a big decision and every time Husband ask me what I thought, I'd screech, "WHAT WOULD LORD MELTON SAY? WHAT WOULD HE SAY?!"
That's a product of not enough sleep and too much Outlander.

The Kid has been awake since 3am with an earache/infection. She's been mean, crusty, whiney and weepy the entire time, and ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING calls for a complete breakdown so it's been super awesome. She's finally feeling marginally better, so instead of shouting at me and her brother, she keeps yelling, "EAR! STOP BLINKING!" I have no idea what she's talking about. When's nap time?

If I ever have to sit in one place doing something for more than 20 minutes, you'd better bet that when I stand up, underneath me is going to look like a pack rat has been there. A pack rat named Tater (who for some reason, thinks it's his job to shove anything and everything he can find under my immobile legs).

Two things: 1. BYU should think about cancelling half-time from here on out and 2. The comentators have used the word "penetrate" forty-seven times. Penetrate = one of the worst words ever.

Happy Sex Patrick's Day from our family to yours! And yes, I've tried numerous times to convince The Kid that it's called "St. Patrick's Day", but she's not having it (PS we failed to catch the leprechaun...and we're very disappointed).

Leprechaun Trap. Check. The Kid says, "That leprechaun is going to see this and think it's freakin' awesome. We'll catch him, give him a happy meal, and make him tell us all of his secrets."

Up at 4 with kids with fevers, snotty noses and upset tummies. By 10, everyone is miraculously healed - except for the mother who has gritty eyes and zero patience or sympathy remaining.

I'm going to go ahead and blame the Ides of March (mixed with Friday the 13th) for how church went today. An exercise in futility, as it were.

In yesterday's mail I received a pamphlet from my insurance on how to have a healthy pregnancy and also a pamphlet on how to sign up for my AARP benefits. The assumed message is, "While you're still technically young enough to bear offspring, you are also old enough to enjoy discounts at fine eateries such as IHOP."

At the gym, two people were having a conversation about their weight loss programs and what they eat, "Oh, for breakfast I had canned tuna and a boiled egg. And I always carry a packet of tuna in my bag for when i get hungry."
Uh....if that's what it takes to lose weight, I'd rather just be chubby.

The kids took shifts last night - tag teaming to make sure I was awake every two hours on the dot. At 5am, The Kid walked in and said, "Mama, I believe it's time we talked about my birthday."

Why, why, why must I sweat like a man?! And why, after over eight years of living in Texas, am I not used to the humidity?

Putting together a little play list for an activity tonight. The Tater was dancing right along with me until Gangnam Style was over...then there was whining, crying, and pulling on clothes until I put it on again. This has been repeated six times. It appears he has a taste for the Asian as well. That's my boy.

The good news: Totally nailed Group Power today. The bad news: my gut is right in the way of nearly every exercise ever.

Today is one of those days where all I want is to 1. Go to the bathroom BY MYSELF 2. Eat MY OWN food without having to share or box out and shove it in my mouth 3. Hug and kiss Husband without being shoved, whined at, or pulled on by both kids. I don't feel like I'm asking a lot.

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