Me: What city do you live in?
The Kid: Beaumont! But I wish to live in Silsbee!
Me: What state?
The Kid: Texas!
Me: What country?
The Kid: McDonald's!
Some ice fell out of the freezer today:
The Kid: Look! You made ice just like Elsa!
Me: I know! It's magic!
The Kid: Well, I'd call it sorcery.
The Kid: You know what daddy said the best part of wearing swimming suits is?
The Kid: Peeing in them.
Discussing the concept of gravity with The Kid after she expressed a desire to go to the moon:
The Kid: I want to go to the outter space so I don't have to wear a seatbelt and I can fly around inside the rocket.
Me: Do you know why they can float around?
The Kid: Why?
Me: Because there's no gravity. Do you know what that is?
The Kid: Hmmm....a sandwich?
While watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:
The Kid: Veruca Salt is whore. Veruca Salt is whore.
Me: Where did you learn that word??
The Kid: You said it. You said, "Veruca Salt is whore."
Me: No, I said she's HORRID.
The Kid: Oh. Mama, what's "whore"?
Me: Uhhh...ask your daddy.
The Kid: Mama, I don't know if you're aware, but today is my coronation day.
Me: Oh, yeah?
The Kid: Yes. So I'm gonna need a coronation dress and some coronation shoes and a coronation cape.
Me: Huh. And will you be needing anything else?
The Kid: Yes. You can call me "Queen" for the rest of my life.
The Kid: Can I have a Cadbury mini egg?
The Kid: But, mama, it's so hard to eat only one so I got ten instead.
While watching Frozen (yes. For the 1,234th time):
The Kid: Why is Hans so mean?
Me: Because he's a jerk.
The Kid: I bet he'd be nice if someone got him some nice, hot soup.
The Kid always wants a bite of my nutella toast in the morning and being the good mother I am, I allow her to have one but only of the crust (my least favorite part). This morning, this, "Mama, I'm going to need a bite without the sharp edges. They hurt my throat."
The Kid: There's a funny smell in my nose. I think I need a cannula.
Me: I don't think a cannula will work, dude.
The Kid: Well, why not? Why else would you put one in your nose?
The Kid: Let's talk about Easter.
Me: No, dude! I'm tired of talking about Easter.
The Kid: But mama! I have a whole list of things for you to discuss with the Easter Bunny.
An 8-ish year-old girl walked up to The Kid today at Chick-Fil-A and said, "You're wearing girl clothes, but you look like a boy." When she walked away, The Kid looked at me and said, "She's like Hans. She's a jerk, too."
And thus you see how well we're teaching our kids to turn the other cheek...
The Kid: Can I have some chips?
Me: Naw, dude, you can't have chips for breakfast.
The Kid: But mama! Chips give me lovely energy!
As we're passing Olive Garden today:
The Kid: Is that where you went to get that nasty chicken that one time?
Me: Yeah, the last chicken I got from there was pretty bad.
The Kid: I don't believe I'll go there now.
Talking about The Kid's aunt who will have surgery Wednesday, "Mama, daddy requests that he be involved with this discussion. Because Aunt Stephanie' s head is important."
The Kid is learning to count in Spanish, Japanese, and French. Except she usually mixes them all up together and "seven" in every language comes out as "machi". When I try to tell her she says, "I just wish you could speak some languages like me."
The Kid has tied her Elsa doll to my massage bolster pillow, claiming that it's a rocket that will send her to the moon. But then, this, "Hans told Elsa she couldn't go to the moon because she's a girl. So she slapped him and told him girls can do anything they want. Right, mama?"
The Kid: Mama, what does "responsibility" mean?
Me: It means something you're in charge of.
The Kid: Oh. Well, I definitely don't want any of those.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
The Kid told me the next thing she wants to learn is the hula. Then, I went to the bathroom and she starts yelling, "I do not want to learn to hula! I've injured my hip!"
PS Her hip is not injured.
Learning about animals and their countries of origin (she was stalling so she wouldn't have to go to bed):
Me: And what's the white bear from Greenland called?
The Kid: Hmmm....an ice cream bear?
Me: C'mon, dude time for a nap.
The Kid: I'm just going to stay downstairs and sleep.
Me: I don't believe you.
The Kid: Oh, mama, I know. I don't believe me either.
Discussing July 4th and what we'll celebrate:
The Kid: Mama, is America really old?
Me: Well, close to 240 years old.
The Kid: So, it was born right before daddy?
The Kid: Mama, I don't know if you know this, but even though I'm little, I can do big things. Mostly with my arms.