Wednesday, September 24, 2014

On Facebook (JULY!)

The Kid: You know what would make me feel so much more cooler? Having some Chick Fil A by the pool.

The Kid: Now, I'm not trying to copy daddy, but I gotta have a cup of delicious orange juice.

For various reasons, we've been discussing death a lot in our house. Today, this, "Mama, if daddy went to heaven, I'd miss him so much! But then the TV would be all mine and that wouldn't be so bad."

Me: Do you know what sound a lion makes?
The Kid: ROAR!
Me: Yeah, but they also chuff. Like this, "Mahuf, Mahuf."
The Kid: Well, my goodness me!

Having chicken and spinach salad for dinner and this, "Mama, why are we having leaves?"

The Kid: When I have a baby, I'm going to name her Elsa. 
Me: What if you have a boy? 
The Kid: Oh, mama, don't be silly. God wouldn't do that to me.

The Kid: I have a brilliant idea. Next time it's the 4th of July, we should live in America.
Me: We already live in America.
The Kid: Well then next time, we should have a better party.

The Kid: Well, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I have to practice my best 4th of July moves.

*These moves include lots of dancing around in her undies while brandishing an umbrella. Oh, and a pink fleece sock on one hand.

Husband got ready to leave for work today, taking the iPad with him, causing a great melting down:

The Kid (crying): I will miss daddy so much! Daddy, please don't go!
Husband: Well, would it be better if I left the iPad?
The Kid (stops crying): Yeah, that would be better.

The Kid made a new friend today at the gym and when it was time for us to go home, he decided he didn't want her to leave. The Kid explained to him that we had to go and then this:

The Kid: Well, ok, then, man, we'll just take you with us. Mama, we're going to take this little dude home.
Me: Don't you think his mother would miss him?
The Kid: Probably not. C'mon, mama! He's my best friend!
Me: Whats' his name?
The Kid: How on earth am I supposed to know?

The Kid: Look, I drew another picture!
Me: Man, you're on fire!
The Kid: What does that mean?
Me: It means that you're awesome.
The Kid: "You're on fire!" means "awesome" in Spanish!

To her daddy, "Well, daddy, I'm sorry, you have a super big day at work tomorrow, so you can't go to Cow Appreciation Day with us because if you don't go to work, you can't buy me presents."

As we're walking out of the gym yesterday, "Mama, don't you want to go sit on the bench over there and share all your secrets?"

The Kid: Daddy, why do you have hair in your nose?
Husband: To keep bad stuff out.
The Kid: Well, it looks like a spider web to me.

Me: Alright, dude, you wanna watch Wreck It Ralph or The Little Mermaid?
The Kid: I want to watch Wreck It Ralph, of course. The Little Mermaid doesn't even wreck anything.

Yesterday was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-Fil-A. The Kid wanted to enter the costume contest and ended up finishing third in her category (The Tater fell asleep right before the judging) and won 10 free meals. When I gave her the cards she said, "What is this? This is ridiculous!"

This morning at 4:30am:

The Kid: Mama, Tater's awake.
Me: I know.
The Kid: I think he's starving to death.
Me: No he's not. I just fed him.
The Kid: Oh. Well as long as we're all awake, we might as well have a little chat.

Had to run back into the gym this morning to return a hijacked towel and told The Kid to stay in the car for the five seconds it took and this, "Well, mama, that's fine, but I certainly hope The Hulk won't get us while you're gone."

Husband has been on a House watching binge. The Kid likes to watch with him and during every episode asks, "Ok, when are they going to do the cutting part?" Perhaps she'll be a surgeon.

The Kid got her birthday card from her grandmother today. It had money AND a balloon included. The money was dumped on the floor in favor of the balloon. Then, when I told her that grandma had sent some money to take her somewhere she wanted to go (thinknig she'd name the water park or Chuck E. Cheese, she said, "Oh, I'd love to go to the Dollar Store!"

The Kid: Today is a perfect day for a nice, refreshing swim. But I'd better do it naked so I don't get my underwear wet.
Me: Well, I'll help you put your swimming suit on.
The Kid: No, thanks. Swimming naked is better.

Me: Dude, corn chips are not a meal. You have to eat a meal.
The Kid: But mama! They have corn in them! Corn is good for my bum!

The Kid is watching a cartoon that has a pirate in it who owns a cell phone.

Me: I didn't know pirates have cell phones.
The Kid: Well,usually they don't. But Red Beard needs one to contact his darling while he's on his ship.

There were some squealing girls at the house next to where we were swimming today:

The Kid: I think those girls sound like Maleficent's bird. Don't you think so?

Me: What should we have for dinner tonight?
The Kid: Tacos! But I don't want any lettuce or tomatoes.
Me: That doesn't sound like a very good taco at all.
The Kid: It is a berry good taco. It's called a one-sided taco.

The Kid: I'm going to need a blanket to make me much more con-ster-ble.
Me: No, dude, it'll just be in the way.
The Kid: Oh. Ok. I'll just wrap myself up in daddy's undies then.

"Mama, I really want to do the splits, but I'm afraid if I go down too far, I'll pee just a little."

Well. Don't we all?

At bubble day and they were trying to explain light refraction to The Kid:

Me: Ok, so what does refraction mean?
The Kid: It means "sequin" in Spanish!

Husband is trying his best to teach The Kid southern manners (totally foreign for this Nevada girl):

The Kid: Why do I have to say "yes, man" to you if you're a girl?
Me: Not "yes, man", it's "yes, MA'AM".
The Kid: Well, that just doesn't make sense.

The Kid: MAMA! I have ascertained that I'm four-years-old today!
Me: You ascertained that, huh?
The Kid: Yes. And my tummy has ascertained that I should stroll into the kitched and have a cupcake for breakfast.

The Kid: Anna and kristoff are getting married today. They're going to have a party later on. I really hope it's funky fresh.

The Kid insisted on playing with The Tater alone in her room. Then, 10 minutes later, I see her sneaking down the stairs:

Me: Where are you going?
The Kid: Downstairs.
Me: What about Tater?
The Kid: Well, I just tied him up and now I'm leaving.

The Kid is getting more and more interested in carting The Tater around:

"Oh, Tater is crying! I believe he could use the benefit of my muscles."

The Kid: Mama, I'm so glad your curly hair is back! Your straight hair was kind of crusty but your curly hair is fabulous, especially with your party nails!

The Kid: I've decided, mama. I'm just not going to kiss cows. They slobber.
Me: Ok. But what about kissing a boyfriend. Daddy's my boyfriend and I kiss him all the time.
The Kid: No, I'm not going to kiss a boyfriend either because I don't want to get a baby in my belly. Babies slobber, too.

The Kid: I need a snack. How about cheese toast with the brown stuff on the top and bottom cut into four triangles?
Me: I'm not making grilled cheese, dude. But, I'll give you some cheese.
The Kid: In that case you'd better give me five units of cheese.

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