Sunday, December 09, 2012

Living By Days

Another TMI post.  You've been warned.

Dear Everyone I Know,

Please, for the love, won't you please stop asking me if/when Husband and I are having more children?

Number one, it's none of your damn business.

Number two, it's kind of a sensitive topic right now.

For over a year (and especially since May), I feel like I've not been living an actual life, but living by days in a menstrual cycle.

Day one:  mark the calendar

Day three-seven: take medication

Day ten-eighteen:  urinate on a stick.

Positive stick:  mark the calendar.

Day 21-23:  blood drawn

Day 24-27:  head to the doctor to be poked and prodded and stared at in a confused manner and asked if I was sure I'd counted right because-I-should-be-pregnant-by-now.  And then told that fingers-crossed-that-day-one-doesn't-come-when-it's-supposed-to.

I leave feeling sad, frustrated, so bloody tired... 

Then when Day 1 comes like clockwork it's like...I don't even know. 

Infuriating.  Disappointing.  Exhausting.

I wonder if I should just give up because obviously this is not working and besides, I'm tired of the stupid medicine making me mean and causing me to faint at the gym (twice, thank-you-very-much).

I wish I were five years younger so I didn't feel so frantic.

Everyone always tells me that so-and-so had babies when they were whatever-age.

And I just want to punch them in the face.

The good news is that other people being pregnant doesn't bother me as much as you might think.

Because let's be honest, pregnancy s-u-c-k-s, and I don't envy that.


Please don't ask. 




Walker Family said...

I remember doing that, too, from March to December of a particular year (which wasn't the first time, either)--counting days, taking one kind of med on certain days, having blood drawn, taking another med on other days, and numerous negative pregnancy tests. It's horrible. We also had a stake president tell us that when people asked about us having kids to look them in the eye and say, "it's none of your damn business!" The comments we had from some people were horrible. Good luck! I wish there were something I could do to make it better!

oblivious said...

I would like to give you a hug. I was told when I was 19 that if I wanted to ever be pregnant I would have to go through exactly what you are going through right now. When those people ask you question like that, I think you should look them dead in the eye and ask, "And when was the last time you had sex with your spouse?" When their jaws drop in shock or they say something along the lines of how dare you ask me that, simply tell them asking about your sex life is none of their damned business. Then thank them for being so thoughtless, rude, and cruel.

I'm cheering for you! If you feel the need to stop the meds, just do it. The stress of taking them, marking days, constantly peeing on a stick, having sex on a schedule, etc can actually cause your body to reject the idea of pregnancy simply because of the stress you are going through. Besides, if you believe that Heavenly Father loves you, then He is very much aware of what you are going through. I don't understand a lot of things that happen in life but, I firmly believe we will be given every righteous desire according to His perfect timing.

Love your guts! said...

I try not to say too much in these situations because you never know what is going to hurt someone. So, I just say I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for how difficult childbearing has been for you. And I think you are a wonderful mother and I've enjoyed learning more about you and your talents through your blog and Facebook. Thanks for sharing!

Holli said...

Erin, this breaks my heart because I can still remember that hollow ache I carried in my stomach for so many years. Before we had Holland, I would burst into tears at the mere mention of pregnancy. And, then people say things, many innocently, that are so callused. I had several well-meaning people make comments about how I "must enjoy having one because it's so much easier." As if it was a choice...

It is probably the most painful thing I've ever, ever been through.

All I can tell you is that the Lord has a plan for you and your family. It's hard to see the plan now. It's hard to be in the midst of so much struggle. But, someday, you'll understand it and you'll feel at peace.

We are really, truly, honestly praying for you.

BexxT said...

<3 That is me sending hugs and love your way because screw other people and their thoughtless comments. Whip back with a deeply personal question- if these people are in church, word will get around pretty fast to back the eff off.

I wont tell you that whatever happens is god's will- because I generally don't find much comfort in that. Just know that there are a lot of people out here hoping for you. And know that sharing this struggle isn't too much information- but a lifeline to people who understand and love you.

Shannon Ivy said...

Been on and off that journey for 4 1/2 years. Unfortunately no success for me. But I emphasize with what you are going through!