My anxiety over going to my yearly girly doctor appointment is well documented.
I mean, everyone had something that they're absolutely terrified of, right?
Mine just happens to be the OBGYN.
I sweat, my blood pressure is generally somewhere in the 140/90 range, I'm short of breath, and I kind of feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.
Oh, and I generally cry.
"Cry" might be a bit of an understatement.
"Sob" is closer to the truth.
But this time, I'd made up my mind.
I was going to be firm.
No pap smear.
Do you hear me?
NO PAP SMEAR.
When I got there, I didn't see The Girly Doctor's Usual Nurse - the one who knows I require petting and drugs to get through my appointment.
Instead I had The Fill-In Nurse.
This is the conversation I had with her (it was a long conversation):
Nurse: Looks like you're here for your annual.
Me: No, I'm not. I'm here to discuss lab work.
Nurse: Well, your annual is due, so we'll do that at the same time.
Me: No, we won't.
Nurse: What? Why?
Me: Because I said so.
Nurse: That's not a good reason.
Me: Well, the fact that I said so plus the fact that I don't want to is.
Nurse: Is your kid a boy or a girl?
Me: A girl (while also wondering, "Where is she going with this?")
Nurse: Don't you want to see her get married?
Me: Um. Yeah. I guess so. Eventually.
Nurse: Then you need to have your pap smear.
Me: My kid's future marriage status depends on this pap smear?
Nurse: Well, yes! You need to have your screenings so you know if something's wrong.
Me: There's nothing wrong with my down there.
Nurse: How do you know?
Me: (getting increasingly hysterical) I AM NOT HAVING A PAP SMEAR!
At this point, The Girly Doctor's Usual Nurse walked up and The Other Nurse explained the situation to her.
She said, "Oh, well, she doesn't have a history of anything, and if she doesn't want it, we don't have to do it."
I almost puked in gratitude (that's an appropriate response, believe me).
Then she said, "Don't you go to church with the doctor?"
Why yes. Yes, I do!
"Oh, then we doubly don't need to do one."
As I was prancing happily away, I heard her explain the church comment to the other nurse, "She's Mormon. She's was practically a nun before she got married. Believe me, her risk of having anything is loooooowwwwww."
When I finally got in to see The Girly Doctor, I'm pretty sure he was almost as relieved as I was that there was no pap smear involved (I may or may not have caused a huuuuugggge scene at my last appointment).
He gave me marching orders on my hormone therapy and said we'd re-check them in three months.
He didn't seem to think it was a big deal.
In the end, I almost told him that his Fill-In Nurse is a big, fat bully, but I held my tongue.
Because I'm nice like that.