Thursday, May 24, 2012

Girly Doctor

My anxiety over going to my yearly girly doctor appointment is well documented.

I mean, everyone had something that they're absolutely terrified of, right?

Mine just happens to be the OBGYN.

I sweat, my blood pressure is generally somewhere in the 140/90 range, I'm short of breath, and I kind of feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.

Oh, and I generally cry.

Ok, fine.

"Cry" might be a bit of an understatement.

"Sob" is closer to the truth.

But this time, I'd made up my mind.

I was going to be firm.

No pap smear.

Do you hear me?


When I got there, I didn't see The Girly Doctor's Usual Nurse - the one who knows I require petting and drugs to get through my appointment.

Instead I had The Fill-In Nurse.

This is the conversation I had with her (it was a long conversation):

Nurse:  Looks like you're here for your annual.
Me:  No, I'm not.  I'm here to discuss lab work.
Nurse:  Well, your annual is due, so we'll do that at the same time.
Me:  No, we won't.
Nurse:  What?  Why?
Me:  Because I said so.
Nurse:  That's not a good reason.
Me:  Well, the fact that I said so plus the fact that I don't want to is.
Nurse:  Is your kid a boy or a girl?
Me:  A girl (while also wondering, "Where is she going with this?")
Nurse:  Don't you want to see her get married?
Me:  Um.  Yeah.  I guess so.  Eventually.
Nurse:  Then you need to have your pap smear.
Me:  My kid's future marriage status depends on this pap smear?
Nurse:  Well, yes!  You need to have your screenings so you know if something's wrong.
Me:  There's nothing wrong with my down there.
Nurse:  How do you know?
Me:  (getting increasingly hysterical) I AM NOT HAVING A PAP SMEAR!

At this point, The Girly Doctor's Usual Nurse walked up and The Other Nurse explained the situation to her.

She said, "Oh, well, she doesn't have a history of anything, and if she doesn't want it, we don't have to do it."

I almost puked in gratitude (that's an appropriate response, believe me).

Then she said, "Don't you go to church with the doctor?"

Why yes.  Yes, I do!

"Oh, then we doubly don't need to do one."

As I was prancing happily away, I heard her explain the church comment to the other nurse, "She's Mormon.  She's was practically a nun before she got married.  Believe me, her risk of having anything is loooooowwwwww."

When I finally got in to see The Girly Doctor, I'm pretty sure he was almost as relieved as I was that there was no pap smear involved (I may or may not have caused a huuuuugggge scene at my last appointment).

He gave me marching orders on my hormone therapy and said we'd re-check them in three months.

He didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

In the end, I almost told him that his Fill-In Nurse is a big, fat bully, but I held my tongue.

Because I'm nice like that.


Becky said...

Good for you, Erin! I just love it when women stand up for themselves. :) (Is a "You Go, Girl!" appropriate here?)

Emily said...

Nice job, nun! How do you solve a problem like Erin?!