Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Jury Duty

Jury Duty is awesome.

As in like the best place to people watch.  EVER.

I thought I'd get there nice and early this morning.

Instead, I barely dragged myself out the door on time with wet hair because Carolyn decided her banana should be smashed and ground into the carpet.

As I was cleaning that up, Carolyn used her clever diversion to plant both of her hands in my Nutella toast and then rub it all over her belly.

By the time I got to the jury panel room, there wasn't a chair to be had and people were already starting to line up two deep in the aisles.

The lady standing next to me was clearly fired up to be there and told anyone who would listen that she was so happy to have jury duty because she "ain't got no job" as she was fired from What-a-Burger last week.

Right at 8:30, a lady got up in the front, banged on the microphone and yelled, "Can y'all hear me in the back der?"

Then she said that if any of us needed to talk to The Honorable Judge Gary T. Samuelson, we should line up in single file in the hallway.

There was a mass exodus because apparently other people who weren't me knew that The Honorable Judge Gary T. Samuelson was the one granting exemptions.

I raced out as well only to be sandwiched in line by Dave and James.

Is there any reason I couldn't have been stuck next to the man who looked just like Bradley Cooper??

Dave smelled like body odor, was on oxygen, and proceeded to tell me the story about when his wife died not too long ago, but it all turned out ok because his girlfriend manned up and went to the hospital to take care of her and then just moved her stuff into his trailer as soon as his wife was pronounced dead. 

So all in all, it was a pretty good experience for everyone involved (except, I'm assuming, his dead wife), and the transition was seamless.

His words, not mine.

James was a toothless wonder who also had a dead wife.

And back problems.

Oh, and isn't it fortuitous that he's standing in line right behind a licensed massage therapist and would I mind just going ahead and giving him a massage right there?

And yes, he's sure I would do a fine job because my hand shake is quite mannish and very strong.

The Honorable Judge Gary T. Samuelson took his sweet time and by the time I finally got to the front of the line, Helen, the girl behind James, had given me an entire timeline of her two year fight to get on social security at the ripe old age of 27.

She looked pretty rough, so I assumed she needed it.

His Honor granted my exemption with zero questions and I took off toward the parking lot, with James yelling, "Erin!  It shore was nice to meet you, baby!"

You betcha, killer.

Hopefully next time, I'll get to stay out of the exemption line and encounter more awesomeness.

Because let's be honest, I really always have wanted to serve on a jury.