I would just like to go ahead and thank the person who scheduled me to give a 1.5 hour deep tissue massage this evening. There are many reasons for my excessive gratefulness:
1. I'm not trained in deep tissue massage. At all. As in I've never even seen it done.
2. Interns are not allowed to give deep tissue massages. Ever.
3. A 1.5 hour deep tissue massage takes approximately 523.9 kilojoules of energy. That's enough to power a city of 1.2 bazillion people for an entire lifetime. I have approximately .00000001 kilojoules of energy in my entire body. And it has to last until I die.
4. During the massage I was giving it all I had when the man said, "Ummm...are you using your thumbs? I need some more pressure." Nope. That was my elbow. And unless you want me to stand on your back, that's pretty much all I've got.
5. So there we were with the point of my elbow resting on his rhomboids when he fell asleep. Excuse me there, sir. Right now you have 200 pounds of Erin elbow love resting on your muscles and YOU'RE ASLEEP? WTHeck?
6. I used the fact that he was asleep to my advantage. I think I might have dripped sweat on him (because it's 836 degrees in there). But he wouldn't have known it. Because he was snoring.
So, as I sit here on the couch thinking about icing my forearms, elbows, wrists, and hands due to soreness and fatigue, I would just like to say thanks again to the person who answered the phone and failed to properly identify this man's massage needs.
I'm pretty sure I'm permanently disabled now. And I'm all out of kilojoules.
1 comment:
You're trained in it, I swear. Ever heard of petrissage? Yeah, same thing. If the dude couldn't feel you pressing that hard, he obviously didn't need deep tissue work, now, did he? Are you sure someone didn't do this as a sick joke?? :) Miss ya!
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