Monday, April 13, 2009

Complaints...They're All Related

1. I had the same headache all week last week. Like the kind of headache where light and noise make you want to vomit.

2. And because of the headache, I had to lay still pretty much all Friday afternoon and all day Saturday. That meant that I didn't go grocery shopping. No groceries meant no lovely Easter ham, no Easter potatoes, and no Easter pudding.

3. Because I knew there would be no big Easter feast after church, I got to church in the foulest mood. This was when I was again reminded that I am easily the worst Mormon on the face of the planet. The second counselor in the bishopric called me to teach the Sunbeams. In case you don't remember, I was just released from teaching the same group of kids in nursery less than one year ago. That was the class that gave me stomach aches weekly because they were so bad. I almost went inactive. I'm not kidding.

When he asked me I said that I would do it but in in my head I was thinking, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME. THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M TEACHING THAT CLASS AGAIN."

He gave me some speech about needing the cream of the crop to teach the three-year-olds because they're so impressionable. Again, I wanted to shout, "WHAT A LOAD OF BULL. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE LAST TWO PEOPLE YOU HAVE CALLED TO THIS CALLING HAVE ASKED TO BE RELEASED BECAUSE THOSE KIDS ARE LITTLE HELLIANS. YOU'RE JUST GOING DOWN THE LIST."

I went home and cried all afternoon. My headache came back. Really. I'm already praying for myself. And the prayer is, "Please help me not want to beat the snot out of these kids. And please help me want to go to church. And please help that my stomach won't get sick. And please help me that I will still want to have children after teaching this class."

4. It was in this state that I came to work today. The first thing that happened? One of our patients started to vomit violently less than two feet from my desk. I ran to give him a bucket while trying to control my sympathetic vomiter tendencies (other than three consecutive dry-heaves and continuous cold sweats I'm going to go ahead and commend myself for a job well done) and got there just in time for him to vomit right on my shoe, the lady next to him's shoe, and the floor. Awesome.

The Doctor thought it would be a good idea to put him in the break room wherein he vomited repeatedly and had diarrhea...right on one of two chairs where all of us eat lunch. I had to hold my breath for approximately 2 1/2 hours until someone cleaned it up. The smell and the sound almost killed me.

The good news is that the vomit pretty much cleared the waiting room of patients and we were able to go to lunch by 1pm. The bad news is that I still feel queasy, I want to go home, and I'm having to remind myself every 30 seconds that I can't quit this job because then couldn't pay the bills...


Porter Family said...

I know you aren't laughing now, but trust me, this is so good that in a few years you'll chuckle. My only question is if someone is having violent puking episodes why not store them in the bathroom? At least then, when the explosive diarrhea happens, it is more contained. I also commend you on a job well done with the sympathetic puking. I'm proud as can be. And to answer your question, yes, some people on earth are Satan's cronies, but they need love, too. Just from someone else, because I'm seriously done! :) Good luck with the sunbeams. Drugs help. (For you, not them, that's illegal.)

teri said...

Sunbeams has been my cross to bear in life starting with Wes Teichert and the Krenka boy who made me call him Jethro.
I taught two years of it recently as well. Here's how I justify it. Some ladies spend all day every day in that torture. I can probably sacrifice two hours a week to the crying, fighting and tantrums. (Not to mention potty training).
I just tell myself it's not the time for them to learn doctrine. Mostly, it's just to make church somewhat pleasant, so I played a lot of games ... outside, and broke the rules by bringing snack.
I still dry heaved at the boogers and poop and stuff though.
Don't let them win. We're bigger and smarter, hopefully.

Holli said...


MissyK said...

Ask your doctor for Maxolt. It is the best migraine pill I have tried. No more three day migraines for you.

The Livingstones said...

ian alternately loves and hates going to sunbeams. he is the youngest one in the class, and really struggles, at times. we have young women right next door, and it's really funny to listen to them sometimes. they are all boys in the class except one girl - and all it takes is one mention of a crocodile or a sword, and they are off and running. the conversation is pretty funny. however, ian does actually learn things from his class - if we can get him to go. he told me the other day that he saw a picture of jesus with holes in his hands. i'm with teri, though. teach them for 5 minutes, then let them do something else. don't take any crap from them - or else they'll walk all over you. maybe you could invite a parent in - unless the parent is worse than the kid. maybe the bishop.