On Facebook - March 2018

The Kid: Can we get some Fun Dip for Easter?
Me: No way. That’s like cocaine for kids.
The Kid: What’s cocaine?
Me: Ask your daddy.
#WinningAtParenting

The Tater: I can't wait until the Easter Bunny comes to lay eggs!
The Kid: The Easter Bunny doesn't lay eggs, Tater, bunnies are not oviparous, right, mom?
#UmYesExactly #TookTheWordsRightOutOfMyMouth#ObviouslyNotOviparous #WhenYouNeedADictionaryToUnderstandYourKid

It’s probably indecent how much I love to be around new parents when their kids do things they said their kids would NEVER DO. Like making a racket in public. #IFeelYouGirl #IAlmostWantToEncourageTheKidToScreamLouder#PleaseTellMeAgainWhatYourKidsWillNEVERDo

My kids are currently fighting over a wire hanger I straightened out to fix the vacuum cleaner. #MomGoalzzzzz #WhatElseCanWeFightOver#PerhapsANiceBallOfLint

The Kid has an assignment to do a research project on an animal that lives in the ocean. We have to send a slip back saying what she'll be researching and when I asked her what she wants to do, this, "I can't just make a decision like that mama. I have to research which one has killed the most people first."  #Naturally #AnythingDeadlyIsAwesome

After working all day with a hydraulic massage table, I’m now convinced I need one. The bad news: they cost $1600. The good news: I am currently taking applications for wealthy benefactors to supply the cash. Sugar daddies also accepted. #ButSeriouslyINeedOne

How is it that no matter what field you’re in and no matter which continuing education class you take, there’s ALWAYS that dude who already knows EVERYTHING. Listen, Darrell, you need to sit down and be quiet, FOR. THE. LOVE. #HeDidntActuallyKnow #ButThatDidntStopHim

I have just now learned that Savage Garden’s 1999 hit, is indeed called, “Live Like Animals”, not “Live Like Cannibals”. Because when the lyrics say, “I want to live like cannibals, I want to live wild and free”, I was always like, “Yeah, wild and free unless someone’s trying to eat you. Then I bet that’d be pretty stressful.” #MisheardLyrics #IFeelBetterNow

School lunch on Wednesday was tacos, which The Kid deigned to eat:

The Kid: I'll eat it because maybe they'll have some leftover Daisy sour cream from the baked potatoes yesterday.
Me: What if it's not Daisy sour cream?
The Kid: What kind of fool buys sour cream other than Daisy?
#YourMotherIsThatFool #DaisyHasAnAdmirer

That one time when someone stops you to affirm that you grew up on a ranch and then says, “And what did you do while the boys were out working?” #IPlayedPattyCake #AndTiddlyWinks#AndFoughtForTheMiddleSeat #SoIWouldntHaveToOpenTheGate#OkThatLastOneIsAbsolutelyTrue

I just love it when my children find the candy stash I've cleverly hidden from them and then proceed to offer me some of it like some magnanimous candy fairy.  #SevenForMe #AndOneForYouMama #YOUAREWELCOME

So. We have a house. A whole. entire. house. And yet, ALL of our animals find it necessary to do their effusive self-grooming RIGHT BY MY HEAD. #ThatSound #ItGrossesMeOut

This morning’s 5am wake up call from The Tater, “Mama! Wake up right now! I need you to make me something delicious!” #IWasDreamingAboutMoreSleep

The Kid: Why did daddy show up on the day you told him you were getting married?
Me: Well, baby, have you SEEN me?
The Kid: You are pretty amazing at cartwheels.
#MarriagesHaveBeenBasedOnLess #ButSeriously#HaveYouSeenMeDoACartwheel #YoudWantToMarryMeToo

The Tater’s newest favorite hobby? Catching the cats then throwing them directly in the dog’s path, which, naturally, incites a riot, exactly the desired result, and then he laughs like a manic and does it again. And again. And again. #WeKnowHowToParty

After several weeks of denying myself real happiness, I finally picked up a couple of bags of Cadbury mini-eggs this week. When I got them out of the shopping bag at home, The Tater yells, "Yum, yum! Chocolate eggs, here we come!"  #AfterMyOwnHeart #CadburyIsSoTasty

Our cats hate my children and therefore, spend their entire existence hiding from, running away from, or madly trying to escape from them. At 5am this morning, The Tater climbed into my bed and one of the cats sat on his chest, started purring, and this, “Mama! What is all this noising? Is the cat going to explode?!”

That one time when you’ve been waiting for strawberries to be $1/pound for TWO YEARS so you can make more freezer jam and then it FINALLY happens and you literally accost an old woman at the strawberry display and you’re all like, “I’M BUYING TWENTY POUNDS AND I’M MAKING FREEZER JAM!!!!!” And she’s all like not at all impressed and stuff. #NoIdeaWhy #ItsObviouslyABigDealLady #DidYouHearMeSayFreezerJam#ImGoingToNeedABetterReactionPlease

After already having had a rough night, I was wide awake at 4am with Miley Cyrus’ It’s The Climb playing over and over and over in my head and all I could think was, “That’s it. I have found it. I’m in hell.”

The Kid: If I eat my asparagus for dinner, can I have ice cream for dessert?
Me: Ask daddy.
The Kid: Can I have ice cream for dessert?
Daddy: I'll think about it.
The Kid: He said he'll think about it but that's just fancy talk for no.
#YouAreWiseForOneSoYoung

Right before bedtime, The Tater made a massive mess with the bath water. I fussed at him and then as I was putting him to bed, he puts his little hand on my cheek, looks straight into my eyes and says, “Mama, I love you sooooo much.” #YoureForgiven #ItsTotallyFineTheBathroomIsALake

It’s 2018. Surely there has to be a better way to do porta potties. #JustSaying

From The Kid, “My loose tooth was really bothering me today. It’s loose enough to come out, but the roots just keep holding on to my mouth!”

That one time when you ask your co-workers if they want to participate in an NCAA bracket challenge and no fewer than six of them reply, “I don’t know what that is”, and you’re all like, “Who ARE these people?!” #WhatchuMeanYouDontWatchTheSports #YourMotherDidNotRaiseYouRight

That one time when you’re close-to-dying-sore after leg day and you’re following a gigantically pregnant woman and she drops something and she turns to ask if you can help her pick it up and the first thought in your head is, “No! I absolutely cannot. If I get down I won’t be able to get back up either!” But then, in the spirit of compassion (and big time guilt), you do your best and end up looking like a giraffe trying to get water. #ImSorryYoureOnYourOwn #ICannotHelpYou #MyLegsAreLiterallyBroken#OkNotLiterally

That one time when you take IQ and aptitude tests at work and your IQ comes back right on the line of “very superior”, but your aptitude rings up at a solid B-. Evaluation: I’m smart as a whip but have a hard time tying my own shoelaces or putting one foot in front of the other. #StoryOfMyLife#BlessIt

Our little town’s festival is this weekend and we’ve been talking about the carnival non-stop and this from The Tater, “Mama do you want to go to the carnival with me? We’ll ride the roller coaster together and you can be my best girl.” #SweetTalker #BestGirl

Making dinner, had to cook the sausage and then remove it to caramelize the onions and this:

The Kid: Are those onions to put on the side if you want them with your sausage?
Me: Nope. I'm going to mix them together in this pot.
The Kid: MAN! And just when I thought you were going to make something good.
#ObviouslyYouWereWrong #ThereIGoAgain #MakingTheNastyFood

Since St. Patrick's Day is a mere two weeks away, The Kid has started working on multiple leprechaun trap prototypes and this, "Well, I've decided one of them will break the leprechaun's legs so we can hold him down and make demands." #IDidntChoseTheThugLifeTheThugLifeChoseMe#MercenaryForHire #FutureMobBoss

My yearly PSA: The daughter of The Judy reminds you that today is the only day of the year that gives a command. March Forth. #MarchForth#MarchFourth #PressForwardSaints

The Kid is warned several (and by that I mean 927) times daily to lay off the cats. Today, she failed miserably and received a scratch right on the face. When she told my friend the story, her reply was, "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry that happened to you." My reply when she was wailing with real tears rolling down her cheeks? "Dude, I can't feel sorry for you. You deserve it." #WinningAtSympathy #WinningAtMothering #ImNotSorryForYou

Husband downloaded a coding app for The Kid this morning but The Tater did not appreciate it taking her attention away from him, “No, Tate, I can’t play! I have to practice my coding. Mamma says if I do, I’ll always have a job and I need an always job!”

The Kid: When I grow up, I’ve decided my best friend and I are going to be computer programmers and live in a mansion with a maid.
Me: You’re not going to get married?
The Kid: I’ve decided against marriage because then I’ll have to kiss someone and it would be disgusting.

That one time where it's rained for like ten years straight at your house and then the sun comes out for 12 hours and your yard immediately sprouts like Jumanji.  #IDidntEvenKnowThingsCouldGrowThatFast #LetsPlantTomatoes#AndRideTheJohnDeere

Me: Well, the laundry is all folded.
The Tater: Wow, mama! Go ahead, give yourself a hand!