Monday, January 25, 2016

October on Facebook

I’m not saying I want Donald Trump to be President but I never want to live in a world where Donald Trump isn’t running for president. - Dana Carvey
Me, too, Dana. Me, too.

Roses bloom beneath our feet, all the earth's a garden sweet, making life a bliss complete, when they share the iPad.

The good thing about appearing in public as Super Girl: at least 20 high fives and three car shoutouts from complete strangers. The bad things: a cape whipping in the wind is not nearly as majestic as it appears on TV. Mostly, you just feel like the string around your neck is going to choke you to death. And also, going to the bathroom in a cape? Not as easy as you might think.

That one time when you thought it would be a good idea to dress as Super Girl at work for Halloween and then you look down and realize your cape is literally wrapped around your only-his-second-appointment patient's head. And when you profusely apologize, he says, "Oh, I thought that was part of the treatment." Yes. Because I'm in the business of suffocating people.

My mother has joined the Smart Phone Having Community. She immediately emailed me to tell me to send pictures of the kids to her via text. Once I text her, she emails me to let me know she got them. Bless her heart. Will someone teach her what the reply button is for?

Darth Vader had a rough Trunk-or-Treat. The good news is that the crotch of his costume had Velcro releases, so everytime he threw a fit (every 2.5 minutes) he reached down and ripped his pants off a la a male stripper. Now if that's not entertainment, I don't know what is!

Brought lunch to The Kid today:
The Kid: Thanks for bringing me lunch today, you're the best mom ever! And I never want a different mom!
Me: It's a good thing. You're kind of stuck with me.
The Kid: You know who else is stuck with you? Daddy. He can't get rid of you even if he tries.

Sometimes, when your husband is the better (and much more willing) cook, you are relegated to the more menial duties of prep and clean up. The good news is that my knife skills are incomparable and we have a dishwasher that actually works!

After yesterday's tithing lesson, The Kid paid her tithing for the first time today. When I told her to hand the envelope to a member of the bishopric she said, "No, mama, this is a letter for God. Brother Daws is not God and he might steal it."
When I told her that Brother Daws holds the priesthood and has a special calling from God she said, "Well, you didn't tell me he has special powers. He can have the money!"

#1 reason why teaching the 4/5 year-olds at church is awesome: they lavish you with compliments. In the space of fifteen minutes, I was told how beautiful I am, what lovely hair I have, and how pretty my toenails look. Winning!

That one time when The Kid wanted to know how many seeds there are in a pomegranate so you buy one and proceed to extract seeds and a quarter of the way through she says, "Mama, we could have known faster if we had just downloaded a video about pomegranates." ‪#‎whyamisoold‬‪#‎handsonisnotbetter‬ ‪#‎theinternetknowsmorethanmom‬

That one time when you think it would be a good idea to wrestle with your husband and it's a little less the playful frolicking you imagined, a little more Lennie from Of Mice and Men. PS He really was trying to be gentle.

Last night's mandatory Amazing Race dream: returned to Zimbabwe with my study abroad group only to find that the school we were supposed to work with had been closed. Instead, we traveled the country doing hip hop concerts which, naturally, were repeatedly interrupted by troops of baboons climbing on the stage. You know I don't like a baboon.

The Kid has reached the magical age where Eenie Meenie Minie Mo is the ultimate decider of her fate. And it cruelly decided on Chick Fil A over McDonald's last night. Life is just not fair.

An arm workout after an entire morning of deep tissue massages? Maybe the worst decision I've ever made. Except maybe that bowl cut I had my senior year of high school. That was pretty bad.

Homemade pepperoni pizza for dinner tonight. My mother used to make homemade pizza and I was always so upset that it was square and not round like Pizza Hut (as far as i knew, the most delicious pizza on the planet). Because I was an ungrateful wretch. ‪#‎sorrymom‬ ‪#‎damnkids‬‪#‎55milestothenearestpizzahut‬

Just had my first official chiropractic adjustment. I can now take a deep breath without pain in my back AND the headache i had? Gone. It might be the best day of my life.

Wake Up Call This Morning: The Kid screeching, "MAAAAAMAAAA!" repeatedly at the top of her lungs while sitting on the toilet. Because there was a cockroach. And she couldn't get off of the toilet until I'd taken care of it.

The bad news: I went straight from the gym to the grocery store wherein I kept smelling a wet dog. Wet dog smell = coming from me. The good news: I actually worked out in my workout clothes and didn't just put them on to appear as if I'd worked out. WINNING!

Due to my lack of fundraising prowess, we are now owners of copious amounts of chocolate covered almonds. And The Tater doesn't mind at all -he sucks the chocolate off and stores the almonds in his cheeks a la a tiny chipmunk. Almond count upon removal? NINE. Winning.

Touch-a-Truck. Where we hardly touched any trucks, but you'd better believe we picked us up a son-cone.

The ESPN commentators are constantly making a big deal about how tall the BYU wide receivers are but every time I see their tall, skinny legs I think of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, "Look at you, I could snap you like a chicken!"

As someone who grew up in the great state of Nevada, it always makes me laugh when people are excited about slot machines in the grocery store or make a big deal over legal prostitution. PS Whenever there was a school fundraiser, Donna's Ranch was the first door I knocked on. Those were some generous ladies.

This morning as I was dozing in my bed, The Kid walks in with the fattest slug I've ever seen sitting on her palm, shoved it right under my nose and said, "Let's kill him!"

Found out last week that there's a kid in The Kid's class who's allergic to peanuts. So, in an effort to go peanut butter-less, I started wracking my brain and thought, "The Kid likes pizza, ergo she'd like pepperoni and mozzarella cheese skewers." WRONG. She licked one of the pepperoni pieces and started dry heaving, "Mama, I just can't."

I wish the following were Olympic sports: apple peeling, bubble gum bubble blowing, toenail painting, and losing keys.

At every other college football game in America, they play DJ Snake. At BYU, they play Yo-Yo Ma. And PS Did anyone else see Hoge's hair before he put on his helmet?! It's like Riley incarnate!  ‪#‎classicalmusicmakesyousmart‬‪#‎evenatafootballgame‬ ‪#‎fearthecoiffure‬

The Tater would like some gumbo. But no broth. And no sausage. And no rice. So basically, when The Tater says he wants gumbo, what he means is that he'd like a giant bowl of chicken. And PS heaven help the person who tries to give him anything else. ‪#‎reasonsmytoddlercries‬ ‪#‎givehimwhathewants‬

Man: You know who I really hate? Those missionaries in the white shirts and ties that come to your door and want to talk about Jesus.
Me: You mean the Mormons?
Man: Yeah, THEM. I thwacked one in the forehead once. If they come to your door, you should throw something at them. 
Me: I'm a Mormon. And I used to be one of those missionaries.
Man: But you seem so nice.

Topics broached today: legal prostitution, the piriformis as the king of muscles, handgun efficacy, catheter usage, tamale making proceedures, goats grazing the national cemetary, and how to execute the making of a pumpkin that looks like a flamingo. This just goes to prove that I will literally talk to anyone about anything. Never a dull moment.

Joined the lunch-time workout crew today. There were approximately three other people at the gym and two of them were in my way the entire time. Finally, when I asked if I could use the machine they were holding court in front of, this, "Oh, you was wanting to use this machine? I don't think you is strong enough." When I assured them I was and then proceeded to lift more than them, "Daaaaaamn, girl, you isn't messing around!" ‪#‎strongestbumcontest‬ ‪#‎ialwayswin‬ ‪#‎notevenverymuchweight‬

Today's realization: I make the same noises at Zumba as I do when moving cattle. Also, there was a song in today's routine and I swear it was saying, "Eat the cookie dough, gotta eat the cookie dough." And so I will.

That one time when you got to the gym and couldn't figure out why you're so hungry when you just finished breakfast but then you get home to find more than half of your breakfast sitting on the table uneaten. The real question is, what on earth was I doing while I thought I was eating breakfast?

That one time when you're watching the Indiana game and #81's last name is Fuchs, but due to an unfortunate font usage, the "h" looks just like a "k". Bless it.

Today is apparently National Boyfriend Day (who do I talk to about getting a National Erin Neff Peters Day?), so here is my main squeeze (who, by the way, brought me an entire bag of Sonic ice after work today) ‪#‎nationalboyfriendday‬ ‪#‎peopleseyebrow‬ ‪#‎couldwebemoresassy‬

The Kid has just informed me that she wants to be Princess Leia for Halloween (which is about the seventh thing she's mentioned). When I got on the Internet to look at costumes and asked her which one she liked best, she pointed to the gold bikini one saying, "Why would you wear white when you can wear gold?!"  ‪#‎goodpoint‬ ‪#‎blingbling‬

Being the magnanimous mother I am, I hauled two giant, identical boxes home for the kids to play with over the weekend thinking how brilliant I am since there would OBVIOUSLY be no fighting as both boxes are EXACTLY THE SAME. I could not have been more wrong. ‪#‎theoneyoudonthaveisbetter‬‪#‎reasonsmytoddlercries‬ ‪#‎parenting win‬

No comments: