Saturday, November 01, 2014

The Kid - October 2014

"Mama, I'm going to make you a promise that's going to knock your socks off!"

Me: Dude, I need you to pick up this mess.
The Kid: But mama, I'm just a little, tiny girl, and that much work is hard for me.
Me: Well, it wasn't hard for you to make the mess so it shouldn't be hard to clean up.
The Kid: Mama, do you understand how not fun cleaning is?

Practicing The Kid's part for the kid's program next month:
The Kid: I can follow Jesus by loving other people.
Me: You can also show Jesus you love him by doing what your mother says.
The Kid: Don't be silly. That's how I show Santa Claus I love him.

Driving past some haying fields this morning (with round bales):
Me: All their bales are lopsided. What a shame.
The Kid: Well, they must not have used a Vermeer, then! We should stop and tell them.

After playing at the pumpkin patch, "I sure am sweaty. It's a shame I'm not a pig. Then I could roll around in some lovely mud to cool off."

The Kid upon waking up this morning, "I gotta wake up daddy! It's time to jack-o-lant the pumpkin."
So there you have it. "To jack-o-lant" is now a verb.

Husband: Come here and give me some sugar.
The Kid: Actually, I'd prefer not to right now.

Sitting in my room with a nice, cold beverage when The Kid walks in:
The Kid: Wanna see a really great trick?
Me: Sure.
The Kid walks over, picks up my drink and walks away with it saying, "Ta-da! It's mine now!"

"So, mama, what'd'ya'say, let's head down to the beach today and catch some rays."

The Kid: How old do you have to be to be a ninja?
Me: I don't think there's a specific age, dude.
The Kid: So you're not a ninja?
Me: Nope. 
The Kid: Well, I'm very disappointed by this.

The Kid: What do foxes like to breathe?
Me: I don't know.
The Kid: Foxygen. Get it? It's funny because it's a funny way to say oxygen. Like oxygen, but funny.
Me: Yeah, dude, I get it.
The Kid: Then why aren't you laughing? It's freakin' hilarious.

"Mama! I have magnificent news! While you were in the shower, I noticed those cupcakes on the stove are getting hard, so I took one for the team and ate one for breakfast."

The Kid: Can you put the cutting show on my tablet?
Me: You want to watch House?
The Kid: No, the cutting show.
Me: House is the cutting show. The doctor's last name is House.
The Kid: Well, that's ridiculous.

The Kid: I have to go do my homework.
Husband: What homework would that be?
The Kid: My potions homework.
Me: What kind of school are we sending her to?
Husband: Hogwarts, apparently.

Flipping through the channels when a show came on about the pyramids. The Kid commanded me to stop and said, "You know, mama, from what I understand, the Egyptians built those using incline planes."

WHY, WHY, WHY are kids so gross?! In the past three days, The Kid has:
1. Picked her nose and eaten it. We've talked about this tirelessly. She said, "But mama, I really like it! It's nice and salty!"
2. Stuck her head in the toilet (literally into the water) because she wanted to "smell it".
3. Put USED toilet paper into her mouth because she wanted to see what it tasted like.
I swear, she's going to end up with a disease. GROSS.

Me: Dude, I thought you said you'd keep an eye on Tate while I was in the shower!
The Kid: Well, mama, he pooped his pants. I can't be responsible for him when he smells like that.

The Kid plays with a neighbor girl sometimes:
Girl: I'm Spiderman and you're the bad guy.
The Kid: You know who the real bad guys are? Plaque. They're nasty little germs who eat holes in your teeth. Gotta watch out for them.

Another gem from yesterday's play session:
The Kid: Do you want to sit down and take a chill?
Girl (who was dressed up as Spiderman): Naw. I'm too busy fighting crime.

There's a commercial of a scantily clad woman drinking Dr. Pepper as it dribbles sexily down her chin:
The Kid: Well now, she's just wasting that Dr. Pepper. She should know better.

I was upstairs resting when The Kid walked in with two trick-or-treat pumpkins I'd never seen before:
Me: Where'd you get those?
The Kid: Some guy knocked on the door and gave them to me.
Me: Dude. You know you're not supposed to answer the door unless I'm there. What did the guy look like?
The Kid: I don't know. I was too busy looking at all this delicious candy.
(It was our neighbor)

No comments: