Sunday, February 01, 2015

Off Facebook - January 2015

For those who pray about sports, start praying for Auburn. Not that I care about Auburn, but if they win, it's free Bloomin' Onions at Outback tomorrow. Wisconsin wins and it's nasty coconut shrimp. Believe me, God cares.

Happy eight years to my best guy: the one who makes me laugh, the one who acts as the calm side of my brain (being that I don't have one of my own), and the one who never lets me or anyone else we know forget that I said "I love you" first (hey, it took me 28 years to find him, I wasn't taking any chances. Good thing he's so calm because I said it pretty fast and in other's minds, it might have been super creepy fast).

I've said it before and I'll say it again: #1 stupid thing about being an adult is having to spend money on toilet paper. That's one of those things that should automatically be supplied from heaven so I can spend the $25 on something fun. Like a massage. Or beard removal.

Sixty degrees on January 6th. Now if we could just keep The Tater away from the cigarette butts, we'd really have something good going on.

There is nothing more delightful to The Tater than when his sister leaves her food unfinished and unguarded.

Bless Husband's heart! He managed a surprise anniversary date - like arranged the baby sitter and everything. I kind of like him.

The #1 food that I just can't make myself like (and believe me, I've tried. And tried. And tried): sweet potatoes. I. Just. Can't.

My car is almost 20 years old. It's not beautiful, but it runs. The most recent issue is that the gas tank cover sticks and requires two people to open it. Today I asked a random man at the gas station. He took my keys to flip it open while I pulled the lever and then said, "Shouldn't I use something that won't scratch the car?" Uhhh...did you even look at my car?! There's barely any paint left to scratch! PS I filled up my car for less than $15. I almost cried.

Confession: I cannot get enough of Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. I would watch it all day every day if I could. There's just one thing: I want to slap ladies who spend thousands and thousands of dollars on a dress they'll wear once. I may or may not yell at the TV, "Forget the dress and send that money to me! I could buy a new car with that, you jerk!"

All public restrooms should be equipped with cages for small children. Child lockers, if you will. Because do you know how crappy it is to have a bathroom emergency in a public place and right in the middle of it, your one-year-old thinks it's a good idea to crawl under the divider into the next stall over and there's literally nothing you can do about it? I'm writing my Congressman.

Dear The Cart Man at HEB,
While I so appreciate the fact that you came over to collect my buggy, you really shouldn't walk up behind a single lady like that. I almost katate chopped your head off. I mean, my entire body is a weapon and you were lucky to escape with your life. Mmkay?
Your (tough talking) Friend,

Zuppa Toscana on the stove, Gladiator on one channel and Forrest Gump on the other. Can this evening get any better? I sumbit that it cannot.

Husband claims to hate business trips. However, I have a hard time mustering any sympathy because #1 He actually gets to go.places #2 He gets to fly alone (and therefore, doesn't have to schlep seventeen bags full of snacks, extra clothes, and keep-kids-busy crap) #3 He often calls me from his hotel room while relaxing in a kid/toy free bath.

You know what's not awesome? Puke. Puke is not awesome.

Had a dream last night that one of my friends was dating Sam Heughan. Pretty sure I've never been that jealous in a dream before.

Had our first parent/teacher conference for The Kid today (which went well since she apparently listens to instructions better at school than she does at home). Husband drove from work to pick me up to take me because he knows I don't like to drive in the rain. Now that's a man.

Does anyone pay attention to the Trending box on your Facebook page? I am giggling like a 12-year-old-boy at this one "Coach Bill Belichick says 'no explaination for allegedly underinflated balls'".

I've finally come up with my million dollar idea: a body scanner that tells you whether or not you're contagious. It'll be installed at the doors of every school, church and business. If it comes up positive you have to go home (and of course, you get paid sick leave). Either that or I am quarantining my entire family until the end of time.

After some intense research (AKA watching two hours of Fixer Upper on HGTV), I've decided we're moving to Waco. I haven't actually told Husband yet, but whatever.

It is apparently time for our neighbor's semi-annual party where all of her friends come over for the entire weekend to sit on her back patio in order to loudly drop the F bomb every third word and roll and smoke doobies. I guess it's better than living next door to the meth lab (that's 400 yards away). We're so lucky.

I am homesick for all the times in my life where I thought I had a lot of responsibilities but actually didn't. Like college. Or Japan. But I only want to go back to those times if I can keep what I know now so I can be all like, "This is a cinch! Let's par-tay!"

Two packets of oatmeal for breakfast. The Tater was magnanimous enough to leave me three (cold) bites.

As I was "checking out my form" in the mirror during weights class, I also discovered a large hole in my gym pants on the upper thigh. Nothing says classy like gratuitous flashing of thigh chub. You. Are. Welcome.

Wahoo! Vista Academy, here comes The Kid! Batten down the hatches!

Despite the fact that i have a major telephone phobia, I totally just made two telephone calls. Like a real, live adult!

Will everyone PLEASE STOP promulgating the myth that muscle weighs more than fat?! For the love! A pound of muscle and a pound of fat weigh ONE POUND. Now, if you want to talk about density, we might have something.

We've got a couple extra littles at our house today and we all know what that means: extra bowls that can be swiped from when people aren't paying attention. The Tater proclaims this The Best Day EVER!

So. Turns out that if you don't eat any of the cupcake batter, you can actually get 24 cupcakes out of one batch! WHO KNEW?!

Watching my Dominos pizza tracker - did you all know that now your pizza making process is commentated by a man with a phone sex voice who proclaims, "Oh, yeah, all that extra to see how hot it's going to get." Uh....I did only order pizza. Right?!

In regards to Trivia Crack: I believe someone has rigged my iPad to land on the art category 33% of the time. The problem? I have a D+ average in that category - something I am reminded of with each ridiculous art-related question.

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