Friday, April 19, 2013

On Facebook

  1. While playing with Play-Doh:

    Me: Hey, what're you making?
    The Kid: I'm cutting chicken.
    Me: Oh. What are you going to do with it?
    The Kid: I'm going to take it to Old McDonald's so they will make delicious chicken bites for me.

    The Kid: Hey, what you doing?
    Me: I'm cutting up chicken for dinner.
    The Kid: Mamma, I am not encouraging this.

    The Kid can't open her bedroom door by herself, so when she's ready to get up in the morning, she calls, "Mama, please open the door!" But this morning instead I hear, "Jesus, please help my mama open the door!"

    Went to Target today:

    Me: Hey, the Easter baskets are 50% off! Let's get you one!
    The Kid: No, I don't want an Easter basket. The Easter Bunny will pee in it.

    The Kid: Hey, where are my scriptures? Ima read about The Lord.

    There were were some kids having a link sale outside of Sam's today:

    The Kid: What are they doing?
    Me: Raising some money.
    The Kid: Can we raise money?
    Me: What would we use it for?
    The Kid: So Jesus can come stay at our house.
    Me: I don't think you ned money for Jesus to stay at your house, dude.
    The Kid: Oh. Then we can buy the piggy some goggles.
    Me: Because that would be the obvious second choice...

    Had a dream that I was being robbed last night. However, since I had absolutely nothing of value, they wanted me to make a CD of all of my Pitbull songs for them. And while I was making it, I just did some push ups.

    Things that need to be invented ASAP: a remote with a finder alarm (ours has been lost for days) and exercise pants with a trap door so you can potty when nasty and sweaty without having to wiggle and jiggle in and out of them.

    The Kid is obsessed with any arrow on any sign. She says, "look! There's an arrow! It's saying, "Come on in and get some things!"

    Turns out The Trainer at the gym is a former professional baseball player. When I asked him about it he said, "Yeah, I was, back when I was awesome." It was then that I had to share my learned wisdom with him. Awesomeness is not in what you do, it is a state of being. And I know this because no matter what I do, I'm still awesome.

    First thing this morning, The Kid brings me a band-aid and says, "You're welcome to put this on me, mommy."

    The dude at freebirds just called me "love" seventeen times in 30 seconds. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda dug it.

    The Kid: What are you doing?
    Me: Dishes and laundry.
    The Kid: Oh, you're working like Cinderella?
    Me: Yeah, dude, just like that.

    The Kid: Mamma, your name is Steak.
    Me: Your name is Little Miss.
    The Kid: Together we are Little Mistake.
    Me: Yeah, that sounds about right.

    Me: Hey, the ladies at church said you had a hard time listening today.
    The Kid: Lucifer made me do it.

    The Kid now insists on watching all of her You Tube cartoons in Spanish. If I put them on in English, she yells, "No, I don't want Eng-lit! I want Span-nit!" I figure she'll be fluent by tomorrow.

    The Kid: Santa Claus came and stole all of my presents.
    Me: That's not really how Santa Claus works, dude.
    The Kid: Yeah, mamma, it is.

    The Kid: Excuse me mommy, can you do me a big favor? If you would make me some cheese toast, I would really appreciate it.

    Making The Kid's bed is like unearthing a 40 pound pack rat stash. I swear that girl's gonna be a hoarder.

    The Kid: What are we going to do next?
    Me: We're going home to take a nap.
    The Kid: We can stop at Holiday Inn for that.

    The Kid: Look, mama! I'm a doctor!
    Me: Yes, I know, you're Dr. Peters!
    The Kid: No, I'm just Dr. Hayes.

    Me (yelling): No, dude! If you do that again, I'm gonna have to spank you!
    The Kid: I'm sorry. Do what, now?

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