Monday, April 01, 2013

On Facebook

  1. Me: What should we get daddy for a birthday present?
    The Kid: A birthday sponge!
    Me: What's he going to do with a sponge?
    The Kid: Well, someone should clean the bathtub.

    The Kid: Mama, what's an orphanage?

    Me: An orphanage is a place where babies stay when they don't have mommies or daddies to take care of them.

    The Kid: They should just bring them to our house. You can be the mommy and I can be the sister and daddy can be the boy.

    Happy Birthday to my best boyfriend. The Kid brought us all party hats this morning - in the shape of tupperware containers.

    For Husband's birthday present, I did a Zumba dance for him WITHOUT HIM ASKING. I know what you're thinking. I'm a definite shoo-in for Mistress Sassy Britches 2013.

    Last night was Brahman night at the fair. There was a bull there that was easily the biggest bovine I've ever seen. The Kid took one look and said, "Look, mama! It's an elephant!"

    The Kid: Does Jesus love me and you and daddy?
    Me: Yes, he loves all of us.
    The Kid: Is he going to tickle us?
    Me: Is that what you do when you love someone?
    The Kid: Yes. And you make them fries.

    The real reason I love March Madness (because let's face it, I can't pick a winner to save my life) is because I can watch Charles Barkley at halftime. To Greg Anthony, "Yeah, well, I think you make a lot of questionable decisions. I mean, I would never wear that shirt with that tie..."

    The Kid to her daddy, "I'm gonna need all of your quarters and mamma's gonna need all of your green money."

    I would like to sincerely repent for all of the times I made fun of the football players in high school when they were in full pads doing those up down drills. I had to do a total of 30 of those today and I'm pretty sure I almost died.

    The Kid while watching the last dance on Dancing With the Stars last night: Hey, where's that guy's shirt? He's going to need it to dance.

    The Kid (singing): Baby, we don't even need any music, we make the beat when we move it, you know you're making me hot, hot, hot.

    It just doesn't get more awesome than that.

    The Kid's latest attempt to get some Easter candy:

    The Kid: We need to get some candy for poor people. It will be delicious for them.
    Me: (all touched because she wants to help the poor). Yeah, baby, we can do that.
    The Kid: And I can have some, too?
    Me: I thought it was going to be for poor people.
    The Kid: Yes, for them, but a little for me, too.

    The trainer at the gym calls me by my last name. I don't know if it's because he can't remember my first name or because he thinks I need to relive my high school track days.

    One year ago today, after a four year absence (wherein i grew quite chubby and very, very out of shape), I rejoined the gym. I was scared to death because I was scared I'd feel uncomfortable and judged. Instead, I felt encouraged, welcomed, and yes, even a little sassy. Thank you, Exygon for only hiring the highest quality employees - trainers, front desk staff, group class instructors, and kid's club workers - who now greet my child and I by name every, single day, who support my goals, and who have my best interests at heart. I could not be more grateful.

    Cleaning up puke (especially at bed time) is my all time least favorite parental activity. Good thing Husband cleaned up half because I was about to lose it.

    The Kid (while sitting on my knee): Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sitting on your bee-tella.
    Me: You mean my patella?
    The Kid: Yes. Your bee-tella. I'm hurting it.
    Me: Where on earth did you learn that word?
    The Kid: I don't know, I just already know it.

    Me (singing): He is Risen, He is Risen...
    The Kid: Who has raisins?!

    Turns out that as the Lamest Holiday Mother on the Planet, I was given the perfect kid for me. The Kid's Easter egg hunt was rained out and I didn't have any other plans, so I threw her candy into her Halloween pumpkin and gave it to her.

    Me: The Easter Bunny ran out of Easter baskets. I'm sorry.
    The Kid: Well, sometimes the Easter Bunny just brings Easter pumpkins.

    The best part of Easter? The next morning when you get to fry the leftover ham for breakfast! Also, picking all of the best candy out of The Kid's Easter pumpkin without her knowing it...

    The Kid: I need to use the computer.
    Me: You're already using the TV. I'm using the computer.
    The Kid: Well, you wanna switch and trade it up?

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