Wednesday, March 20, 2013

This Month on Facebook...

  1. The Kid: Mama, let's have a B-D-H.
    Me: A what?
    The Kid: A B-D-H. With bubbles.
    Me: Oh, a B-A-T-H?
    The Kid: Yes. B-D-H.

    It would appear The Kid is on to out little spell-out-the-words ploy.

    We walked into stake conference today to find it was a broadcast from Salt Lake City. The Kid saw the video screen and yelled, "YAY! It's the scream! We get to see a show!"

    Today is one of those days where I want to stay in bed and eat Nutella from the jar.

    The Kid had a sleep over with her daddy last night. She slept until 8. We're doing this every day until the end of time.

    First yoga class today. The good news is that I liked it. The bad news is that I'm severely lacking in the following: fluidity, flexibility, and the ability to breathe correctly.

    Took The Kid to see a friend of mine. When he didn't answer the door on the first knock, she said, "Oh, no, he's not home. We'll just have to go to McDonald's, I guess."

    In other news, I'm 97% sure my mailman is a klepto. Packages that were shipped are mysteriously disappearing left and right.

    If doing yoga means having sore abs and triceps without doing a single crunch or push up, count me in for life.

    While watching Paula Deen on The Food Network:

    The Kid: I want that lady for my mother.
    Me: Yeah, me too, man.

    I did seven MAN push-ups today. SEVEN. That's like thirty-three more than I could do three months ago. Of course, I didn't do seven right in a row. But I did do four. Then I stood up and kissed my biceps. I would have kissed my pecs, but I thought that would be taking it a little to far.

    Last night The Kid was stealing cooked chicken as I was making chicken pot pie. When I put the finished product in front of her she looked betrayed and this is what happened:

    The Kid: Well, where's all the chicken?
    Me: It's in the pot pie, dude.
    The Kid: I need you to find it for me.
    Me: Here's a piece and here's a piece and here's a piece...
    The Kid: Well, put it in my mouth.

    Yesterday at Chick-Fil-A, The Kid found that if you take your cup to the counter, they'll fill it back up for you. She apparently thought this extended to all products and as I walked up behind her, I heard, "I'm gonna need some more chicken. And what about my ice cream?"

    Apparently I spend waaaaaayyyy too much time at the PetSmart pet adoption events. Today I found myself not only answering questions about adpotion fees, but also about the personalities of each individual animal in attendance. Does that make me a Grade III Loser?

    Me: Hey, dude, c'mon, we gotta get ready to go to church.
    The Kid: I can't. I'm busy reading my scriptures.
    Me: Oh. Well, what are you reading?
    The Kid: I'm reading The Book of Warmin'.

    Had a dream last night where I was Wonder Woman. Unfortunately, I was banned from attending The Super Hero Symposium in full super hero attire because I was failing an advanced math class. However, at said symposium, a wild bull was loose so I caught him with my Lasso of Truth. Turns out you don't have to be good at math to be awesome.

    A conversation with Husband this morning:

    Him: Hey, where are you going?
    Me: Back to bed. I don't feel good.
    Him: You're not going to Zumba? You must be REALLY sick

    Me: Hey, dude, who are we reading about in the Book of Mormon?
    The Kid: Leafy, Nephi, and Gollum.
    Me: Oh, yeah? And what does Gollum have to say?
    The Kid: He says, "MY PRECIOUS! AHHHHHH!"

    I've been practicing my Japanese alphabets in the shower with The Kid's bath crayons (best invention EVER!) The Kid climbed in the bath with me last night and was writing on the wall:

    Me: Hey, what are you writing?
    The Kid: My name.
    Me: That doesn't look like your name to me.
    The Kid: That's because it's in Japanese.

    After a moment of extreme exuberance on my part (I'd just done 20 push ups for heaven sake) during Group Power, a lady behind me turned to her friend and said, "Why doesn't she just shut up?!" Because apparently only those who are miserable are allowed at the gym.

    Potty training (round 4) = the bane of my existence. Two hours in and I already want to scratch my own eyeballs out.

    The Kid: Uh oh, the timer is going off. You'd better try to go potty.
    Me: That timer is for you, dude.
    The Kid: I already go potty like a big girl. I think you are having a hard time with your big girl panties. Just go sit on the potty and try, ok?

    The Kid: Jesus wants me to have a tattoo.
    Me: Oh, yeah? When did you talk to him?
    The Kid: Just in the bath.

    The Kid: I need some of this lotion for my legs.
    Me: No, you don't.
    The Kid: Yes. I do. I need to look sexy awesome.

    Husband: Hey, I think someone needs a H-T-B.
    Me (confused): An H-T-B? (finally figure out he means B-A-T-H)
    The Kid: No, I don't need an H-T-B. Thank you for offering, though.

    The Kid: We need to go to Walmart. I need some business cards.

    The Kid: I was rubbing a boy at the gym.
    Me: Um....what were you rubbing him with?
    The Kid: Just my hands. I was make a ME-ssage for him.
    Me: Oh, what was the boy's name?
    The Kid: Taylor.
    Me: Did he like it
    The Kid: No, he didn't like it. He LOVED it.

    At the McDonald's play place:
    The Kid: I just kissed that boy.
    Me: dude, you can't just kiss random boys. It's creepy.
    The Kid: But I was nice and he really, really liked it.

    I don't think I'll ever get used to random people telling me that they know me from the gym. I feel horrible because they never even look remotely familiar. In other news, there's a half-clothed dude at a major intersection here in town waving a sign that says, "Honk if You Love Jesus (cuz there ain't no one in this town who doesn't love them some Jesus)"

    The Kid: Dolly's gonna bring me a treat to the gym.
    Me: She's only going to bring you a treat if you go in the potty like a big girl. And you're not doing that.
    The Kid: Oh, mama, now you're just telling stories.

    Me: Hey, did you know so-and-so is having a baby?
    The Kid: Oh, I'm so happy, I like babies. I love babies.
    Me: You do?
    The Kid: Yes, you should have a baby. They're so fluffy.
    Me: You realize I'm talking about people babies and not dogs, right?
    The Kid: Oh. We don't need a baby I guess.

    The Kid while watching Shrek: Mama, sometimes when the music comes on, we just gotta stand up and shake it a little.

    The Kid, when asked what she'd done at her friend's house while I was at work, "I was giving Brian lippy-lip sugars. I love him."

    A follow-up from a previous conversation

    Me: Hey, Becky said you didn't kiss Brian. She said you wouldn't even say hi.
    The Kid: (blank stare)
    Me: Were you just being a little shy?
    The Kid: Yes, I'm a little shy.
    Me: Why? Brian's a nice guy.
    The Kid: Actually, Brian is an ogre.

    Guess how many man push ups I did today?! THIRTY-FREAKIN'-THREE. If I'm not careful, we're going to have a Hulk-like busting out of the shirt.

    I may or may not being having a love affair...with my Pampered Chef ceramic skillet. Seriously. Lurve.

    All public restroom stalls should include holding cells for small children.

    The Number One Thing I Take for Granted: The ability to breathe out of my nostrils. Also, whose fool idea was it to have nighttime cold medicine that only lasts four hours?

    I dreamt last night that I was taking a class at BYU called, "How to Incubate a Dragon". Turns out they wanted me to implant a dragon egg in my belly and let it grow for an entire year and I was all like, "Sure thing!"

    The Kid after I gotten upset at her for making another-for-the-love-won't-you-stop-that mess in my closet: Mama, you're acting just like an ogre.

    Me: Hey, you wanna go to a party with me
    The Kid: A Happy Birthday party?
    Me: No, a baby shower.
    The Kid: No, I don't want to shower with a baby.

    Don't you love it when you've given a presentation in front of people where you may or may not have waved your hands in the air like a mad woman and then arrive home to find that you had giant pit stains the whole time? Awesome.

    Well...I thought I looked like a fool doing Zumba until I joined the circuit training class today and had to do high knees right in the middle of the gym floor. I looked just like Chris Farley.

    The Kid, singing herself to sleep last night, "I'm trying to be like Jesus. Ima gonna get outta his way..."

    The Kid yelling as she was "wrestling" her daddy: I knew you couldn't do it! You're weak, daddy!

    THe Kid: Where are we going?
    Me: The gym.
    The Kid: Are you going to do that sexy Zumba?

    A conversation with The Kid after watching part of The Hobbit:

    The Kid: Hey! Where are the filthy, stinking, orkses?
    Me: I don't know where the orks are, dude.
    The Kid: I think they went to sleep. Then they will come back at night to eat the tiny Hobbitses.

    Should I be worried that my kid talks like Gollum?

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