It takes a lot to embarrass me.
I mean, like, maybe I just don't know the social norms and maybe I'm always saying embarrassing things and I just totally don't know it. Ignorance is bliss, my friends.
And that's why it's so funny to me how embarrassed I get for other people.
You know, when they're saying something and you think, "Dude. You should stop. Like now."
I get so embarrassed for them that I can't even look them in the eye. I look at the ground. Sometimes I close my eyes. I don't know if I'm trying to block them out or if I'm inadvertently trying to use my powers of telekinesis to get them to stop.
Last night we went to Outback with some friends - compliments of a $50 gift certificate from Marsh Waterproofing (thank you, Marsh! I have no idea who you are or what you do but I love you and Merry Christmas!).
We had this waitress. The one that kept telling us that she'd be back in "two shakes of a lamb's tail". It was cute the first time. Not so much the seventh.
She was also highly annoying in many other ways that are too numerous to mention, making the meal extremely uncomfortable - even for Husband, who loves watching Hell's Kitchen, which makes squirm. I'm not even going to go into how uncomfortable The Real Housewives shows make me.
Toward the end of the meal she was sharing with us her tendencies when she's had too much to drink.
Friend Kyle, ever trying to be the friendly jokester (which is a good thing, because all of the rest of us were too horrified to speak) said, "Yeah, Erin's a lot like that. Good thing she's pregnant and can no longer drink."
Waitress looked at me and shouted, "You're pregnant?"
Then, she stomped her foot and said, "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
All of us at the table froze.
Oh crap.
Kyle had just opened a can of worms.
She then proceeded to tell us that she just like totally wanted a baby like totally so bad but like her soon-to-be-fiancee had like totally had a vasectomy and so like they were thinking about "going halvsies (halfsies?)" on a baby (uhhh...what does that even mean?)
I was staring at the floor.
Because that's what I do.
There were all these thoughts running through my head.
Thoughts like, Ok, did that seriously just happen?
And, Oh, good Lord, please NEVER, EVER have children.
And, Your soon-to-be fiancee is either 1. An idiot 2. Oblivious to the fact that you're the weirdest girl on the planet or 3. Both of the above.
And finally, Wait a second. I'm eating dinner out. I don't think I should have to hear about the viability of your soon-to-be fiancee's sperm. Oh, and by the way, if Fiancee is shooting blanks, your chances of ever having a baby are like -100%. Just so you know.
I was beyond embarrassed for her.
We hightailed it out of there as fast as humanly possible - after, of course, Holli got her free water-to-go.
It was easily the worst experience with a waitress I've ever had.
What about all of you? Ever had anything funny/embarrassing happen? Either as a customer or as a server?
Please say you have. I don't want to be alone in this.
3 comments:
I had a waiter at the Olive Garden tell me about how he likes to get high before his shift because it makes things go smoother. He was actually pretty smooth so I guess it works.
When I worked in osaka in Provo as a waitress they made me wear a silky bathrobe "yukata" thing and it was so hot that I would just have my underwear underneath. Bad idea since any movement of air or me turning would cause the silky bathrobe to part and I would flash the customers. Dinner and a show!
But after several incidences, I wised up and safety pinned the crap out of that sucka.
Lol! Erin, that was a hilarious, sadly accurate recounting of the awkwardness that was our waitress. You forgot to mention that she kept saying she was scared Nick was going to stab her whenever she tried to pick up a plate. Umm... We might be "healthy" people anxious to chow down on a bloomin' onion but last time I checked we're not barbarians!
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