Tuesday, April 07, 2009

New Super Ninja Torture

If anyone is looking for the newest Ninja torture technique, I'm proud to say that last night, I found it in the form of a gluteus massage.

Last week The Instructor kicked us all out of class because everyone except me refused to give/receive a rear end massage claiming that "butts are gross". Naturally, they were looking at my partially covered cheek while saying all of this. Thanks a lot.

The Instructor brought in Female Instructor thinking that a female could break down The Girls' innate need for modesty. Female Instructor takes no crap. She didn't care if people were whining and complaining, they did the massage anyway.

When it came my turn, I was placidly lying on the table when suddenly I felt the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I looked back only to find Female Instructor kneading my bum right up against the bone and telling Bird Girl, "Yeah, look. She's got some knots here. She's got some real problems. We're going to have to work those out."

What she failed to notice was that I was writhing in pain, biting the face cradle to keep from screaming. And, even after she asked whether or not it hurt (the answer was , "Well hell, yes! Do you think my face is normally this contorted? Don't answer that."), she continued to grind and stretch and pinch all the while muttering about knots and back pain. Meanwhile, I was fighting my instinct to clench my cheeks and shout bad words.

I've never been more relieved to see a massage end.

This morning my gluteus and low back are so sore I can barely walk. If I bruised easily, they would be a mass of black and blue.

And that leads me to this question: Who on earth are all the clients they keep talking about that actually like that kind of massage? Whoever they are, they're gluttons for punishment.

5 comments:

MissyK said...

Are you sure that this is a good massage program? They all sound like a bunch of crazies.

Erin said...

I don't think it's the school that's a problem (and yes, it is accredited). A lot of people down here are just special. Seriously. Welcome to Beaumont.

Amy said...

she was doing it WRONG!! even if you had knots, it would not have hurt like that....missyk is correct, they are a bunch of CRAZIES!!!

Erin said...

Well, I didn't say they're not crazy...

Porter Family said...

Remember the old addage 'if it hurts, don't do it'? Well, in certain cases, it applies to massage. I can't say that as a professional I haven't left bruises on my patients before. There's just certain areas (extensor muscles, biceps tenson, and IT band) where a transverse friction massage is called for due to the poor blood supply--I've never done one on a rear end before, though. When you finished your class, come up here for a weekend and I'll teach you the real stuff. :)