Some Things Are Just WRONG

Here is a list of things in my life that are WRONG:

1. The post man who comes to the office looks like a bum. He seriously does. I met him in the hallway the other day and I thought he was going to knife me and take all of my cash. I didn't even know that he was a post man because he wasn't wearing one sign of post office insignia. Hello, post office worker who looks like a bum! Please wear something to let us know that we are not going to be victims of the next mugging in Beaumont.
2. And speaking of bums....the other day, I was driving down the road and saw one of those, "Please help. Hungry and homeless. God Bless" cardboard carrying sign bums talking on a cell phone. Just a little tip, God Bless Man, people would probably be more likely to give you money if you DO NOT have a cell phone...or at least don't talk on one while trying to appear to be a bum.
3. On to a non-bum topic: yesterday, a patient brought two beautiful chocolate bunt cakes to work. The only problem: the plastic wrap over the top of the cakes smelled like moth balls. Never one to be deterred by a bad smell (especially when there is chocolate cake on the other side of the bad smell), I tore the plastic off and went to work carving myself out a GINORMOUS piece of cake. I was quite satisfied when I got it on the plate and triumphantly returned to my desk. I took one bite and that was the end of it. While the cake itself didn't smell like moth balls, it certainly tasted like it. I started to gag and eventually had to spit it into the garbage can...all right in front of the lady who brought it. Then, I had to make up some story about how the cake had gotten stuck in my throat and how I thought I was going to die. It wasn't a lie exactly...I really did think I was going to die. Death by chocolate moth ball cake. What a sad way to go.
4. I've gained five pounds (on top of the 20 that I put on in my last stint in Japan). Now this is not the "oh well, I've gained weight" kind of five pounds, this is the "DAMN! I can't zip up my skirt" five pounds. I sit at work trying to find positions where I can relieve some of the pressure on my ever expanding gut without looking completely vulgar. I haven't found one so far so I end up having to stand up most of the day. Perhaps this is one way to lose the five pounds?