On Facebook - May 2018

The Tater: Look! I see the Walmart!
Me: Yup, there it is.
The Tater: Ok, get me out of this car so we can do this thing!

You know, working with teachers at the end of school is almost euphoric. You can’t help but be caught up in their excitement. It doesn’t hurt anything when ALL OF THEM praise their fellow staff members and principal. Here’s to you, Lumberton Middle School! And here’s to my incomparable coworker, Michelle Lyons Lmt, partner in middle school massage crime!

If you’re looking for an outstanding arm/back workout, might I suggest shoveling mud in 90 degree (497% humidity) weather in east Texas? Even better, if you come over (must provide your own shovel), I won’t even charge you to workout with me! #FreeCrossfitWorkout #YoureWelcome#FunctionalFitness #NoButSeriouslyComeOverAndBringYourShovel#AlsoBringMeADrPepper

Me: Why are you so handsome?
The Tater: Because Nicholas is my daddy!
#GotThatRight #ItsInTheGenes

Me: Straight to bed!
The Tater: But we gotta read our scriptures.
Me: It’s too late, dude, we missed that time.
The Tater: But you have your scriptures just right on your phone in your hand!
#WhenYourKidSchoolsYou #ButMama #YouHaveThemRightInYourHand#MyBadDude

Current situation: covered in dirt and sweat and my “helper” has disappeared into the house yet again because helping me is “too hot and too hard”.

It makes me so mad when I’m not strong enough to do things by myself. Like, who put this bolt on here? Thor? #ItCantBeThatHard #ForTheLove#ImJustATinyLittleGirl #OrMaybeNotSoTiny

The Tater: I don't want you to call me Tater anymore.
Me: What should I call you instead?
The Tater: I want you to call me Mr. Nakey.
#Naturally #AndYouCanCallMeLadyEdithVonSassyBritches

The Kid comes running in from the bus with a handful of coins:

The Kid: Look what my friend gave me!
The Tater: You gotta share with me. My friends are all poor.

#JoinTheCrowd #OurFriendsNeedToStepItUp

Using a shop vac to suck putrid water out of the bottom of the swimming pool is maybe not the most fun I've ever had. #NotMyIdeaOfFun#ButItWasOnly147Gallons #AndItOnlyTookTwelveYearsSoItsFine

After nearly three hours in the mid-day sun repairing our pool liner, we’ve learned the following: 1. Humidity sucks. 2. Both Husband and I are better suited to Alaskan weather. 3. My husband is the greatest. 4. We might actually work well enough together to go on The Amazing Race. 5. Sunburns despite three applications of sunscreen are totally possible. 6. I’m pretty amazing with power tools.

Just received a foot massage after which payment was immediately required. The Kid started digging and said, “Mama, I can’t find a $1 bill, so is it ok if I just keep this $20?” #UmNo #900PercentTip

When your neighbors let you borrow their zero-turn mower and it’s pretty much the best day of your life. #TurnsOnADime #KillingIt#DidYouSeeMyLawn #MowsInHalfTheTime #AndIOnlyHitOneTelephonePole

The Tater calls our hose a “water rope”. I hope he never learns the real name.

Today’s amazing thing: I’ve been unable to press any kind of weight off my chest or over my head since an injury last October. Yesterday, the new chiropractor at the office adjusted both shoulders just because he felt like it. This morning, I was able to press both directions (still light weight) WITHOUT pain. #DrPaulForTheWin #Legit #SevenMonthsOfPainJustGone

The Kid: Do you know why I love pizza?
Me: Why?
The Kid: Because it goes so well with bread sticks.
#CarbLoading #BreadGoesReallyWellWithBread#MainDishBreadSideDishBread

The Tater has basically been saying the same prayer over and over for the last two years. For lunch time prayer today he said, “I’m done with that old prayer about eggs and cars. Can you teach me how to pray a new one?” #ImGoingToMissHimPrayingAboutEggs #ThisBoyHasMyHeart#TeachMeToWalkInTheLight

Listening to my kids talking to each other last night:

The Tater: I’m a champion!
The Kid: No, I’m sorry, you can’t be a champion. Champions don’t use potty words and you do.
The Tater: I don’t put words in the potty. I put pee in the potty.
#NoWordsInThePotty #IKnowWhatThePottyIsFor#ChampionsDontUsePottyWords

The Tater asked for orange juice for breakfast this morning and I told him we didn't have any. Fast forward 37 seconds to when he comes running into my bedroom with a cutie orange and a straw.  #FixedThatProblem#BAMOrangeJuice #HeShowedMe

Headed to The Walmart today and before going in, I vocally went over the list so I’d be sure not to miss anything. It included candy and rubber boots for the kids. Upon entrance, I turned to The Tater and asked if he remembered what we needed to which he enthusiastically yelled, “M&Ms AND RUBBERS!” #NailedIt #WinningAtParenthood#WhatAreYouGigglingAtWalmartGreeter #TooMuchBritishYouTube

Me: Put your shoes on, please.
The Tater: Where are we going?
Me: Mama’s gotta go to work.
The Tater: Oh, are we going to go stand on the street?
#StreetWalker #RedLightDistrict #HowYouDoingBaby #PrettyWoman#TakingMyThighHighBlackBoots #WorkItBabyWorkIt

Day Four, Pink Eye Saga: The Kid comes into my bathroom this morning and says, “Mama, I still have pink eye. And beside, I have hiccups. I don’t think I should go to school today.” #YoureFine #GetDressed #YoureGoing#PlayingOpposom #SomeoneHadTooMuchFunBeingSick

This morning, The Kid sees the bus pull up, runs outside in her undies and starts yelling, “I don’t have to go to school today! I’m too sick to go!” In other news, The Tater has just buried a dog treat in the flower bed in hopes a new dog will grow from it. #SickDay #SoSickSheCanOnlyScreamAtTheBus#MamaLookItsADogSeed #LetsPlantItAndSee

Day Three, Pink Eye Saga: The devil invented eye drops for children. Yesterday, I was trying to be all Mary Poppins about it. Today, it was straight up Andre The Giant vs. The Hulk. Me being The Hulk. Naturally. #OpenYourEye #OkNowBlink #ThatIsNotBlinking #IDontCareIfYouLikeIt#YouDontHaveToWantTo #LikeWrestlingAPig

Having a hound dog in the house seriously handicaps my ability to hide and scare my kids. #SniffsMeOut #LeadsTheKidsStraightToMe#StealingMyThunder

Day 2, Pink Eye Saga: The doctor recommended hot compresses in the morning. The Kid gets the warm towel on her face and, “Oh, this is so relaxing! It would be even better with a foot massage, so why don’t you give me one?” #MilkingIt #SpoiledMuch

Just when you think I'm done on my soap box: Today, I did a whole boat load of 10 minute massages. Out of those, 50% reported having tension headaches 4 times a week. Twenty-five percent reported having tension headaches every, single day. ALL OF THEM were younger than 40-years-old. YOU. GUYS. If this is you, IT IS NOT NORMAL. You don't have to live with headaches. Please, please, please, for the love of all that's holy, find yourself a good massage therapist (happens I know a few). Make a plan. Stick to it. You won't regret it.

End rant.

When you find out your kid has pink eye and she spends every waking moment telling you she can’t touch anything “because she has pink eye” and then proceeds to touch all the things anyway. #LooksLikeSheTotallyGotTheMessage #CloroxWipesAreMyFriend#IfIGetPinkEyeIWillSellHer

The Kid: Can I have some ice cream?
Me: No, dude, it's 9:30 in the morning.
The Kid: But mama, I'm so sick and I might die and don't you want me to die happy?
#ExcellentArgument #IceCreamYouShallHave

The Kid: Why do I have to have allergies?
Me: The problem is that we don't know what you're allergic to.
The Kid: Well, I had to do chores yesterday and then today, BAM, my eyes are swollen shut, so I'm probably allergic to working!
#ChildLogic #ImAlsoAllergicToWork

When your kid wakes up with BOTH eyes swollen shut and you should probably show some kind of empathy or compassion, but instead, you just laugh hysterically and make fun of her because I don't care who you are, it's funny.  #MotherOfTheYear #BenadrylCocktail #IMakeFunOfMyKids#ItBringsMeJoy

The Tater: We have so many plants!
Me: Yes, we do!
The Tater: But we need some more!
#ThatsMyBoy #GoodIdea #TheresNoSuchThingAsTooManyPlants

Brag time: The Kid came home two weeks ago with the news that she needed 50 AR points to be able to attend a game day (I missed the AR memo...or more likely, I saw it and forgot about it) and she was a whopping 30 points short. Since she’d only managed to amass twenty points in the first eight months of school, I didn’t think there was any way she’d be able to do it in a week and I straight up told her so - you know, get her ready to be disappointed and all that jazz (#MotherOfTheYear). Well...she proved me wrong. She read and read and read and her incomparable teacher, Mrs. Shofner allowed her time to take the tests and guess what? She did it. All on her own. Without me nagging. #TheThingsThatMotivateThisKid

The Kid just got out of the bath and ran into my room, “Mama! Amazing news! I’m half blue whale and I know that because I just tooted underwater and it sounded like I was calling to my pod!” 🐳 🐋 #ThatIsGoodNews#UnderWaterGas #ForgetDNATesting #WeAlreadyKnowWeAreHalfWhale

Doing some more gym dancing today when The Tater runs up to me and says, “Mama! You’re not even doing your job. Stop dancing and pick up that heavy thing.” #ImLeavingHimHomeNextTime #JoyStealer