Tuesday, August 09, 2016

March On Facebook

The Kid: I really want to visit Washington DC so I can see Mt. Rushmore.
Me: Naw, dude, that's in South Dakota
The Kid: Man! South Dakota has all the cool stuff!

Watching the morning news:
The Kid: I've decided not to vote for Donald Trump.
Me: Oh, really? Why's that?
The Kid: Well, he looks like the kind of guy who would make his own rules and tell us what to do.

"Mama, why are you always making dinner? Why can't we eat out like normal people?"  ‪#‎excellentquestion‬ ‪#‎iwonderthattoo‬  ‪#‎mypoorchildren‬‪#‎forcedtoeathomemadefood‬  ‪#‎inavandownbytheriver‬

Me: Baby, if we end up moving, you probably won't have uniforms at school.
The Kid: And what kind of ridiculous place might that be?

Someone to me today, "Girl, you don't look like someone who was built to run away, you look like someone who was built to stand her ground and fight."
Um...I'm not exactly sure if that's a compliment or an insult.

When you own a carpet cleaner but can't use it because the littlest precious has hidden one of the plugs. FOR. THE. LOVE.

Literally spent the last FIVE hours making Easter dinner of ham, funeral potatoes, and asparagus. Neither of my children will touch any part of it. ‪#‎shouldhavemadecorndogs‬ ‪#‎onlyfortysecondsinthemicrowave‬‪#‎pearlsbeforeswine‬

Eau de fair: cigarette smoke, sweat, sawdust, and animal dung. Oh, and pork-a-bobs. Delicious. PS We are never going to the fair on a Saturday again. NEVER.

This egg hunt is experiencing a temporary delay. So we can open every. single. egg. as we go. And when we do open the eggs, we gasp and scream, "CANDY! It's CANDY!" as if we've never seen candy in our entire lives.

The Kid, "Mama! Your hair is becoming white! It must be because I'm growing up. Or maybe it's becoming white because you're becoming an old lady."

When a house listing states that the house sits on a "huge" lot and when you get there, it's less than an acre. Um. Not huge. ‪#‎ranchgirlproblems‬‪#‎falseadvertising‬  ‪#‎whyisthissohard‬ ‪#‎theneighborscanstillseemeifimnaked‬

That one time when your patient has a tattoo on their shoulder and you catch it out of the corner of your eye and you think it's a spider, so you go ahead and smack it because who wants a spider on their shoulder? You. Are. Welcome.

Me: Did you brush your hair like I told you to?
The Kid: No, I have the hiccups.
Me: So you can't brush your hair?
The Kid: Well, every time my diaphragm moves, it makes the brush strokes uneven.

The Kid, when throwing a fit, bears an uncanny resemblance to a wounded elk.

The Tater at 6:15am as he's pulling the covers off of me, "Wake up! Get dressed! Put on shoes! I need bacon! I want donuts!"

When you have a MAJOR telephone phobia and have committed to make twenty telephone calls in one morning.

Me: Hey, go get a toothbrush and toothpaste and we'll brush your teeth.
The Tater: Can't. Watching the basketball.
‪#‎marchmadness‬ ‪#‎ncaa‬ ‪#‎twoyearoldfan‬ ‪#‎rootingforalltheredteams‬

When the two-year-old says he wants a grilled cheese so you make him a grilled cheese and then he screams at you because he doesn't want it. Obviously. ‪#‎reasonsmykidcries‬ ‪#‎terribletwos‬ ‪#‎whycantireadhismind‬

Chuck E. Cheese is pretty much parent hell. And also, it smells like urine.

We didn't catch the leprechaun, but he did leave us a treasure hunt (wherein The Tater found the treasure before we'd found all of the clues and stood in front of it yelling, "I NEED CANDY!") and we've seen Riverdance on the Today show (their legs flail about as if independent from their bodies!), so consider us all St. Patrick's-ed up!

I made this sign for The Kid's leprechaun trap and she said, "Oh, mama, I really like how you've used exclamation points! They indicate strong feeling."

It thrills me to my toes to see The Kid sounding out words and reading books. Reading is one of the great loves of my life and all I can think about is what the ability to read will open for her. PS I also hope she wants to travel. Maybe as a tennis pro so she can provide for us in our dotage (I was going to say as a professional singer, but if her genes stand strong, there's NO WAY. Bless our hearts.)

How The Kid enjoys the beach, "Mama, look at all of this water and sand! That means we can dig billions of holes and pee anywhere we want! What luck!" ‪#‎publicurination‬ ‪#‎weknowhowtohavefun‬ ‪#‎justlikehermother‬ ‪#‎springbreak2016‬

That one time when you have to wait for the ferry for a looooooong time and the five-year-old needs to potty and you suggest her sand bucket and she freaks out until she literally can't hold it anymore, uses the bucket, and then loudly proclaims that she can't wait to write a paper about it when she gets back to school. Because we know what fun/awesomeness/entertainment is.

Beware the Ides of March! Also, apparently the Ides of any month, but Shakespeare never mentioned those, so we'll just stick with the March ones.

That one time when you arrive home from house hunting to find your neighbors involved in a domestic dispute that involves the F bomb for ten straight minutes at an ever increasing volume and ends with the male urinating on the female all in front of both of your children. And you think, "ANY OF THOSE HOUSES WE LOOKED AT! ANY OF THEM! WE'LL EVEN LIVE NEXT TO THE METH LAB!"

When the dude at the gym jumps off the scale and yells, "I'm down 2.5! Two point FIVE!", you naturally run over and give him a high five. Because we believe in celebrating all success. PS My gym towel this morning smells like beef jerky. Delicious.

Husband was called as Young Men's president today at church and immediately The Kid started crying, "This is a really bad idea. Now he'll never be home and then who will be nice to me?" ‪#‎notme‬ ‪#‎meanmom‬ ‪#‎loveathome‬

The Kid climbed in bed with me proclaiming that she came to snuggle and when I moved over so we could:
The Kid: Why are you so close to me?
Me: Uh, you said you wanted to snuggle.
The Kid: Well maybe you could snuggle me from farther away.

Me: Didn't I tell you three times to brush your teeth?!
The Kid: I can't! I can't find a toothbrush!
‪#‎everynight‬ ‪#‎seventoothbrushes‬ ‪#‎onthebathroomcounter‬

Our church ward was split two weeks ago and this morning from The Kid, "Mama, it sure is lucky they put you and me in the same ward or else how would I get to church?!"  ‪#‎boundarylines‬ ‪#‎rightdownthemiddleofourhouse‬‪#‎goodluckgettingtochurchkids‬

Due to the copious amount of rain we've received, we've been inundated with cockroaches and slugs. The Kid believes it is her personal mission to joyfully guide these critters to "their next life". As for me, the only rejoicing comes in the fact that they're not snakes.

When you're one lunch-make away from Spring Break, your kid gets a bag of cereal, two pieces of cheese, and half an orange. ‪#‎overit‬ ‪#‎motheroftheyear‬‪#‎winning‬

The Kid, dressed in a Batman shirt, runs into the kitchen with a can of Wolf brand chili and says, "Mama, I know how you feel about The Wolf, but Batman needs this if she's going to continue to rescue people and do good in her community." ‪#‎herfatherschild‬ ‪#‎batmanpoweredbywolf‬‪#‎shamelessproductpromotion‬

One month away from the weights = eight months of progress down the drain. The good news: Today was my first official performance of karaoke How Will I Know by Whitney Houston. And I'm not even exaggerating when I say it was a resounding success.

The Tater's newest thing: brings me the church hymnal, throws it in my lap and screeches, "SING, MAMA, SING!"

The Kid walked in as Husband and I were discussing a third child:
The Kid: Mama, do you want another baby?
Me: Yes, but it's just not working out.
The Kid: Well, maybe if you started talking about it in your prayers...

Within the last three months, we've had five packages we've ordered delivered to the wrong address. Of course, the USPS has no idea what that address is and cannot retrieve said packages, leaving us to fight with the sellers to either request a refund or a resend on the package. All I know is that whomever is actually receiving them is getting some really nice, really FREE stuff.

When you buy your kid some books for her Easter basket and hide them in a super secret place she'd never look and she finds them in less than 24-hours. ‪#‎notsosecret‬ ‪#‎shessneaky‬ ‪#‎happyfreakineaster‬

"Mama, today at school we studied Dr. Seuss and I hate to have to tell you this, but Yertle the Turtle was a jerk."

The Kid: I wish Abraham Lincoln was still alive.
Me: Why's that?
The Kid: Because even with his beard he looked better than that guy who wants to be president now. That guy's hair almost blows away in the wind.

My mom says, "I only like people who are nice to my children." And I never understood why until I had my own. Bless my co-worker's heart, The Kid pulled her around and talked her ear off on Saturday and she acted like there was nothing else she'd rather be doing.

When you have to wait for over an hour to vote with your two-year-old, I believe your vote should count twice. In other news, try explaining a primary election to a five-year-old only to have her insist that her name be put on the ballot for president of the primary. ‪#‎firstworldproblems‬ ‪#‎americanproblems‬‪#‎mother problems‬

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