Tuesday, March 04, 2014

On Facebook

After a week away, Husband is home! The Kid wasted no time assuring him that she is still his sweetheart, not mine. He bribed her with superballs from The Bank of America store. They light up when they bounce.

The Kid was singing Christmas songs this morning:

The Kid: Two fish know when it is Christmas...
Me: Naw, dude, it's "we wish you a Merry Christmas...."
The Kid: Oh, c'mon, mama.

TV Announcer: There have ben some really great halftime shows in the history of the Super Bowl, but Bruno Mars was one of the best.
Husband: I don't know, I liked Janet Jackson.

Today is National Letter of Intent Day. I'm pretty sure we're the only household in America that knows this - beside those players who are signing and the coaches who are receiving the letters. Husband has given me instructions that I am to call him with updates throughout the day to see who "we" (meaning Texas A&M) signed. Texas A&M should hire him as a recruiting expert.

Husband put Woody Woodpecker on Netflix for The Kid. I snicker every time she runs through the living room yelling, "I got Woody Pecker, I got Woody Pecker!" Because apparently, I'll never be mentally mature enough to act like an adult...

The Kid: Do you think we can buy Grandpa Paul back from Heaven?
Me: I don't think that's how it works, dude.
The Kid: Heavenly Father would give him to us if we had some dollars.
The Kid was sitting on a bench at Wal-Mart when two little Mexican kids sat next to her. She spoke English to them, they replied in Spanish. The Kid, "Why don't you talk right?"

Good thing we're raising a politically correct, culturally sensitive kid.
The Kid is working on her independence and she's proven she's ready to go to college by heating up her own hot dogs. Today, she walked up to me holding one and said, "Well. Got me some lunch."
After discussing what to have for dinner:

The Kid: But I don't like to eat fish, just catch it!
Me: When was the last time you went fishing?
The Kid: Oh, I haven't been fishing in ever so long!
Me: Ever so long? What kind of shows have you been watching?!
The Kid: Your show. The one with the big, yellow dog.
Me: Are you talking about Downton Abbey?
The Kid: Yeah. That's the one.
Absolute best part of the day = walking into the mother's lounge at church to find that someone had snuck in there and written the lyrics to Bruno Mars song, Just the Way You Are on the blackboard. Except, instead of writing "hair", they'd written "hare". I laughed and laughed.
Trying to convince The Kid that it's rude to demand gifts from every person she sees. It's not going well.
The Kid: What are you getting me for Balentime's, mamma?
Me: Uhhh...I hadn't really thought about it.
The Kid: Well, you should think about it. I'm very important.
Why is everyone in this house so against me sleeping? For. The. Love.
At the age of 35, I've decided I'm going to be an.Olympian. The event in which I'd be competing has been narrowed down to speed skating or curling. I'm pretty sure with minimal work, I could get speed skater thighs, but there's much less chance of getting a skate blade to the face in curling, so....
Bought Husband some smoked almonds for a snack. The Kid says, "These bacon walnuts are so delicious! "
The Kid: I got so many valentines! Why?
Me: Well, you can have a lot of valentines, but only one sweetheart.
The Kid: I want you to be my sweetheart.
Me: Thanks, baby!
The Kid: Yeah, you're my sweetheart until daddy comes home.
It is 58 degrees outside and The Kid is currently outside almost completely naked, playing in the hose. When I asked her what she's doing she said, "Well, I'm making compost for the birds to have for dinner."
The Kid: Why are you so exhausted, mama?
Me: Because my head hurt so bad last night I couldn't sleep.
The Kid: Are you lacking symmetry?
Me: Did you just say symmetry??
The Kid: Sometimes if you lack symmetry your blood pressure is high.
Me: Say what? Where did you learn all of this?
The Kid: In California.
I think Husband has a secret love of women's curling. This is the third time this week he's fallen asleep with the remote in his hand while watching it.
The Kid while watching Sweden vs. USA curling match, speaking of the curling stones, "I don't think they have enough of those little vacuums."
The Kid: Did Willy Wonka put the candy in that pinata?
Me: Yup.
The Kid: I hope he didn't put in any of that weird gum because I would appreciate not turning into a blueberry.
It has just now been brought to my attention that Boy George and George Michael are not the same person. I thought one was the other's alter ego.
Husband purchased Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for The Kid last night (after two weeks of her watching Violet Beauregarde turn into a blueberry OVER and OVER on You Tube). We have to keep our eyes on her while she's watching - she keeps trying to slap Slugworth.
Sometimes I have to stop by Sam's Western Store just to huff the smell of rope, leather, and alfalfa. Makes me homesick and happy at the same time.
The Kid: Mama, when we get a house with a yard, we can go to PetSmart and get a dog and a cat. Wouldn't that be something?
The Kid: Your hair is falling out because you're old?
Me: No, everyone's hair falls out. But, it grows back.
The Kid: When my hair falls out I hope it grows back pink. So I can be fantastic.
We've owned Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for 36 hours. It has already been played six times in it's entirety. The Kid is quite worried about Augustus Gloop and his short shorts. However, she can't remember his name, so she refers to him as "the boy who eats like a piggy".
Me: Dude, put on your undies.
The Kid: Why? Where are we going?
Me: We don't have to be going somewhere for you to put on undies.
The Kid: If I put on undies, let's go somewhere nice. Maybe Whataburger.
The Kid: Who lives there?
Me: I don't know who lives there, dude.
The Kid: That looks like old Willy Wonka's place.
I have this dream where I put together beautiful, nutritious, and fabulous meals on a nightly basis and serve them on gorgeous plates at a real dinner table. Real life = a modge podge of chicken nuggets, fries, and corn bread (because that's what sounded good) served on a single chipped plate in the middle of the living room floor and having to fight my 3-year-old for use of the ketchup.
New favorite Olympian = Mr Flisar of Slovenia. Because can you really get more awesome than a handle bar mustache? I submit that you cannot.
Biggest treat of the evening: at 11pm, just as I'm finally drifting off to sleep, Husband stops mid-snore and starts belting out The Candy Man Can from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. He claims to have no recollection of it this morning.
The Kid literally talks almost non-stop. So yesterday, this:

Husband: Hey, let's play the quiet game.
The Kid: What's that?
Husband: It's where everyone is quiet. One, two, three, GO!
The Kid: Well, I've never been quiet before.
Me: What'd you learn about in class today?
The Kid: The Holy Ghost.
Me: What does the Holy Ghost do?
The Kid: Well, he helps you feel comfortable at Chuck E. Cheese when you're eating pizza and helps you remember the recipe so we can make candy. And when you're backing the car out, be careful not to smash him because he's right behind us.
The Kid just had her first Ferrero Rocher. Her response, "I didn't know they made Nutella candy! Excellent! What a great idea!"
Sometimes Husband likes to play hard-to-get when sugaring me and The Kid. The other day as he was doing so, The Kid starts yelling, "Mug him down, mama, mug him down!"
The Kid: Mama, you forgot to turn on my favorite shows! You dropped the ball on that one, man.
The Kid: I hope that tomorrow I will have teeth that look like rainbows.
Words we don't use at our house because they're "not nice": stupid, weird, hate, and sucks. The only person who gets in trouble for using said words? Me. Nothing like being scolded by a 3-year-old.
The Kid (crying): I got an owie! Quick! Put your boob on it!
Me: My boob??
The Kid: That's what you do when Tater cries!
Me: Ummmm....
New dream: to become a giant dancing cookie in Sesame Street Live.
The Kid: Ewww! What is that smell?
Me: Broccoli.
The Kid: I'm gonna need you to take that outside. The smell is getting all over in my nose.

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